Faith,<P>I'm not sure what the .. is, but okay.<P>H and I had a wonderful night tonight. He was supposed to go book some shows, but decided to get pizza and some movies and stay home. OW (that broke it off) has been calling all night to other phone. H finally answered it after the movie went off (couldn't figure out who would be calling so late). It was HER!! I asked him when he got off the phone who it was and he said "X" and her drunk friends. He said she was supposed to call back in a couple of minutes. He's on the phone with her now. By the tone of his voice when he said and her drunk friends, he's not too happy with her right now. He did ask me to bear with him for the next couple of days and when he shows me HIS E-MAIL on Sunday I will understand. I about fell off the couch. He also asked me to not get too mad over the internet that I would understand on Sunday. Gotta go.

Sorry, I'm back. Have to make this quick though. I covered it up pretty well, I think. He also acknowledged that I didn't rant and rave about what I saw last night. I'm shaking so bad right now; I feel like a leaf. I think there is major trouble in paradise. She is LB'ing very badly. Gonna go now before he gets off the phone. Someone help me. I have to get through the next couple of days very carefully. Oh yeah, the movie we watched tonight was "Family Man". Almost made H and me both cry. If you haven't seen it--WATCH IT. Also made H think deeply. Hope I can get some sleep tonight. I feel like I've drank about 15 cups of coffee in 5 minutes. Gosh, I'm shaking so bad I can hardly type right. I hope this makes sense because I'm rambling and I know I am. If he doesn't get off the phone soon, I'm probably going to be climbing the walls. Someone please reply to this. Just say you read it.

Hey dumplin--<P>I read it...just stopped in real quick...I have to back up a few posts and read...<P>But I am out here...<P>Cali

Ok, they're still on the dang phone. I'm losing my confidence now. They got off the phone for about 5 or 10 minutes and I asked H if there was anything he needed to talk about. He said yes, he had alot he wanted to talk about but not right now. She was supposed to be calling back. I'm beginning to get depressed and very down now. I can't handle the roller coaster ride much longer. I just don't understand. What's next in this dang game??????

Update - They finally got off the phone after about two hours total talking. I left while they were still on the phone to go get some more cigarettes. When I got back, H was off the phone. He told me he was sorry he didn't know she was going to call. He also told me about the e-mail that she sent him telling him it was over. She said she wanted to call occasionally and see how everyone was doing (I thought yea right-it's to see if we're still together, but I didn't say anything) and he told her that was okay. He asked her not to come to any more of his shows and she said she would respect that. Then he said, "If she holds to it, I don't know. If she starts calling every night, I don't know." <P>I'm not sure exactly what the conversation was-gave him his space, but that's what he told me. His last statement really made me wonder what is going on, but he didn't offer to say and I didn't ask. Nothing was mentioned about our relationship-I didn't want to push anything. H did tell me he loved me when I walked in the door though. What I think is that she was drunk and upset and he was trying to calm her down. I may be wrong, but that's my guess.

As much as we all would like clean breaks, immediate and total repentance and all the other good stuff, unfortuately the fog lifts SSLLLOOOWWWWLLLYYY.<P>These are all good signs and time for the very best Plan A you can possibly do. Keep working on yourself. Just b/c he acts nice and says I love you, don't expect he's ready to hear YOUR needs and hurts yet, that could take months, but you can wait it out 'cause it's worth it.<P>Don't panic about Sunday. Remember waffling??? PT broke up with Robert at least a dozen times and came after him like CRAZY once he came home! Didn't matter. <P>If you don't remember anything else, remember this...<P>SHE'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM. SHE'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM. SHE'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM.<P>Got it???? If you DON'T fix that marriage, if it's not her, it'll just be someone or something else. If you DO, no one, not even her, can get in it again. That's your focus, ok?<P>Good stuff happening here, maybe. Just remember, it'll go back and forth. Don't let his negative actions (there will be some) affect YOU. You stay the course that you've mapped out for yourself and you'll be fine.<P>Hang in there. You can do this.<P>Love,<P>Lori

Thanks Lori. I think that's why it upset me to see him in the personals. It felt like he was just looking for someone else to replace her. I'm scared to be happy just yet, I'm afraid it may blow up in my face. I seriously think he is getting irritated with her though. I'm doing my best to work on myself and my marriage. H is noticing changes and acknowledging them at least. He thanks me for things I've done and tells me he notices the changes I've made. Hopefully, I'm headed on the right track. I'm going to have the monitoring software removed from my computer (I think). For one thing, it is too painful to see and another, I know he wouldn't like it at all!!<P>Once again, Lori, thanks for your help and all your advice.<P>Love,<BR>Anna

I missed this today somehow. Great news, dumplin! Sounds like you are getting positive results. Keep on Plan A'ing - its' working - plus with OW out of the picture (hopefully)he will continue to notice you. (((pat on the back.<P>wwwwhhheeeeeeeeeeeeee roller coaster...

Thanks Faith!<P>Sorry I haven't updated anyone lately. I'm having the weekend from he!!. Our phones were out yesterday all day and part of today. Storms, I guess. Yesterday, coming home from work, I hit a BIG tree limb that had fell across the road. It was pouring rain and I didn't see it in time to stop. I'm fine, but the Jeep isn't!! The limb was so big I thought it was a tree that had fell into the road. I was only two driveways from my house!! It's a long story, but I didn't get any tickets (amazing) and no one was hurt. I'm borrowing a van from my grandparents until I can figure out what the insurance is going to do with my Jeep.<P>H is on the net constantly in chat rooms when I'm not here or I'm asleep. H will lay down with me and then get up after I'm asleep. Besides, that I guess everything's going okay. At least as far as I know. I'm having problems. Maybe it's stress, but I had to literally bite my tongue last night to keep from LB'ing. I don't know what was wrong with me, but everything he said just rubbed me the wrong way. I didn't LB, but it took everything in me not to. Especially when he was talking about how broke we are all the time-I wanted to tell him to get a "real" job that we didn't have to invest half of everything he made back into it. I didn't say it, but while he was complaining I really wanted to. I make double what he does and what he does make goes right back into it. I get so tired of hearing him b**ch about money when we're suffering because I'm trying to be supportive and let him follow his dreams. Like tonight, he's playing at a club he's always wanted to play at, but the pay is by the door (if no one shows up-they don't get paid). I'm happy for him and I would love to be there, but of course I can't go because I'm too jealous. Now he's invited tons of women off the net to be there to meet him. I don't know if he'll ever let me have the opportunity to go to his shows because of the past. I'm trying not to be jealous, but with his actions it's hard not to be. I could handle women at shows if I knew that he wasn't leading them on. The drunk ones that just happen to be there are okay. They're even laughable at times.<P>Sorry, like I said, I'm not having a good weekend. Wish me luck not LB'ing this weekend. At least he's not as bad on the net as he used to be. He's not just doing it in front of me and his conversations don't seem near as bad. AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRHGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!! Just feel like screaming at someone and don't really know why.

((((((dumplin))))))<P>bad weekend.... i'm sorry. I'm glad you are not hurt from your run-in with the drunk tree-limb .<P>I'm so glad you are seeing some improvements at home. yippee!!! We love to see positive signs, huh? even if they seem small sometimes. <P>Have you read the Harley books? Love Busters really helps me learn to bite my tongue and learn to communicate in a non-LB way. Now that you've been plan A'ing for a while, and you have much better control over outbursts, etc., you may want to think about communicating some of your "complaints" with your H in a non-LB way.<P>Plan A is all about meeting his needs, avoiding LB's, and working on yourself, but you also have to communicate the fact that you need him to quit chasing OW. Make that OWs. (plural). <P>I know you are just venting, and we certainly don't mind at all, but I jsut wanted to make that suggestion about the books, if you haven't read them yet. His Needs, her Needs, Surviving an Affair, and Love Busters.<P>take care of you. k?

Thanks Faith. I don't really know if things are getting better around here-I think he's just getting better at hiding things. His work phone was just ringing and I went and star 69'ed the number. It's some number in Boston. We live in Arkansas. It's the same number that he told me the other day was a phone survey by the Health Dept. Don't ask me where he came up with that from, but I work for the state and I know that a phone survey wouldn't be coming from Mass. for the state of Arkansas. Also they wouldn't call back three different times that I know of.<P>I'm getting sick of all the lies. I've also noticed a pattern with his "I love you's". He will tell me that as long as no one else is around to hear him. If he's on the road with the band and we talk on his cell, he won't say it. If someone is here at the house when I talk to him on the phone, he won't say it. If no one else is around, he has no problem saying it. What's the deal with that crap? Is he telling everyone the story he told OW? Does it make it easier for him to have his little flings and the other band members (two are his brothers) think we're living together separated.<P>Don't get me wrong-I don't think he's having a PA anymore, but I know he talks to alot of women and I'm sure they also talk while he's on the road or the come to his shows.<P>I'm so frustrated and ready to just blow up. I know it sounds selfish, but I wish he would get his head out of his butt and decide what he wants. One way or the other--no more I love you when no one else is around crap. It makes me sick. I feel cheap and used. Makes me want to grab him and shake him so dang hard till his brain is back in the right spot in his head.<P>I know this goes against Plan A and all the principles of MB, but I'm TIRED of being lied to and screwed around. Just need to vent before he comes home and I blow up on him.<P>What should I do when the sight of him turns my stomach? Act like I'm happy and keep Plan A'ing like I don't know what he's doing? Kick him out? Leave? Scream? Cry?

when's he coming home?

He's home. Dang power went off - started storming again. He's here now. What do you think?

I think you need to put on your best Plan A hat. Stay out of his way if you have to, but fill his needs if you can. admiration, domestic support, affection, sf.

Okay, stick with Plan A. What is the best tactic for that when someone turns your stomach? <P>I can sit here and type and I don't have to worry one bit about him snooping and reading what I'm posting because he doesn't care (IMO). Most people would be concerned that H would find this site and start reading their posts--I have no fear of that. Maybe one day I will, but I doubt it.<P>Went and read the Triggers post and literally laughed out loud at the "You have mail" thing. H is playing the PlayStation and recording new songs for the band off the radio. Doesn't even seem too concerned that I'm over here typing like crazy. He did ask me if I was alright and I told him yes.<P>Big question--how do I get any sleep tonight when I know the minute I drift off he's prob going to be in the chat rooms or personals again? Or reading his private e-mails? I would like to be able to confront him about it, but I can't really mention the monitoring software. I have to actually catch him before I can mention it. If not, the only other thing is for him to think I've checked the History again on the puter and that's another no-no in his mind. It's invading his privacy.<P>Power's flickering again. Hopefully it will stay on though.

Just another update for everyone.<P>I am getting really tired of Plan A. Everytime I'm around him all I can think of are the things he has done and what he's doing now. OW is still calling and since they are split up I'm supposed to be just fine with it. I'M NOT! I can't stand it. I'm about ready to just give up and leave. H refuses to discuss anything about us and always said he gets a headache whenever I bring anything up. I'm tired of trying to meet his needs while mine are being ignored. I feel like the well is going dry. I can't even laugh at his jokes hardly anymore. He says he needs time to figure out if he wants to go all out and work on our relationship or not. I don't know how much longer I can stand it. By the time he figures it out, I don't know if I will care or not. I'm sitting here on the computer trying not to cry while he's holed up in the band room (where the other phone line is) listening to tapes. All I can think is he's waiting for me to go to sleep so he can call her. Or he may call her while I'm in here since I'm not supposed to interrupt him while he's working. Another got "your head up my butt" thing. He says all he's concerned with right now is getting along with me. I told him that I'm going to stop trying and just get along with him from now on. He then said he didn't see why we had to get into over this again. He refuses to talk about us and he says he hopes I don't bring it up again.<P>I'm just sick of it. I'm so tired of trying. He mentioned leaving again and I almost told him to go ahead. I need some advice from someone please. Before I go out of my mind.

dumplin,<BR>I've been wondering how you are doing.<P>If you haven't done it in a while, go to the Plan A/B forum (I think.. if not, then Just FOund Out) and read the Plan A 101 and Plan B 101 posts. This will help your head figure out what you are doing, and should be doing. I know - it's our hearts that we have to try to keep in line. It hurts to do Plan A. TO give and give and give, and get nothing in return. But the thing about Plan A is it's an investment, for which you may not get a return for a while. You have to decide if you're willing.<P>Remember, Plan A is about YOU too. Are you doing things for yourself? taking care of yourself? sometimes distancing yourself from H from time to time helps. <P>I believe it is too soon, but at some point, if he keeps threatening to leave, you may have to agree with him, and let him go - just so you two can figure things out. let the cage door open - so to speak.<P>How often do you bring up "us" conversations? YOu shouldn't any more than about once every 2 weeks. He DOES need a little time to "think", and giving him the best, positive, upbeat, loving dumplin there is, will be all you can do to "keep him" around. Talking about "us" is a lot of pressure and negativity for him. If you push too hard, you may get results you don't want.<P>and, I don't think you should be the one to leave... you are the one trying to save the marriage<P>just a few thoughts for ya.... I hope they help a tad.... plus a big hug... {{{{{{dumplin}}}}}<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited August 27, 2001).]

It's funny that you mentioned bringing it up every two weeks because those were his exact words. "I hope you don't bring this up again in two weeks." His exact words.<P>I got a pretty good laugh last night. The OW is from Louisiana and H and I were watching some nature show. Actually, he was watching it and I was reading a book trying to keep my distance so I wouldn't blurt out something stupid. The show was based on swamp critters and H looked up and said that show must be in Florida or "Lose your Anna". I looked up and laughed and repeated "Lose your Anna"? He said yeah, that's what happens when you there isn't it. I told him he hadn't lost me yet. (Oops, shouldn't have said yet.) He said I love how you say yet and I just matter of factly told him, "Well you haven't decided what you want yet so you haven't lost me yet." Might have been the wrong answer, but he seemed to take it well. Of course, that phrase, "Lose your Anna", is still stuck in my head this morning. I will never be able to say the name of that state without thinking that now (on top of hating the state because she's there).<P>Also, he said something about me not liking him and I told him that I did like him. I then told him that sometimes I wish that I didn't like him. He said that hurt and I told him that if I didn't like him it wouldn't hurt so bad and I wouldn't care what he did. That seemed to satisfy him.<P>I don't know--it seems like everytime he says something I just want to scream. I feel like telling him to crap or get off the dang pot. He handles his business dealings and other people like that so why shouldn't he have to put to the same standards. I know that won't work and I won't say it, but sometimes I feel like screaming it at the top of my lungs.<P>I think what I'm going to do is to wait and set a certain time limit (not letting him know) to see how things are. If things haven't changed then I'm moving to Plan B. I think I'm going to give it until New Years and either fix it or end the pain (Plan B). I love him, but I can't let him just tear me down to non-functional.<P>Understand what I'm saying?

Help me! I'm LB'ing all over the place. I'm so damn mad that I just want to shake him until his brain comes out of this fog it's in. He said tonight that he thought we had a chance, but now he's not sure. I told him he hasn't even given us a chance. He asked what he was doing and I told him she's still calling. Well, I'm not calling her was his answer. Sorry, bud, you don't run from the phone when she calls. He's on the phone for at least an hour if no one interrupts. <P>I didn't even get to mention the internet crap.<P>I really need someone to tell me how to get over this anger. I was doing so good and now I'm back to where I'm brimming and ready to blow at a moment's notice.<P>I'm seriously considering Plan B if he doesn't start to give something on his end. I just can't handle the rejection and the pain anymore. I don't know if he will leave or not so I may have to leave to actually do Plan B.<P>I don't know--I'm waffling as bad as he is right now. When I'm not around him, I feel fine and I feel like I can put up with the crap. The minute I get around him though, that all changes. I want my Husband back, not this alien brain that's getting the best of both worlds.<P>Anna

dumplin....<BR>just a suggestion.. but I'm wondering if some people are staying away from your thread because it's addressed to LostVA. It may be time to start a new one.<P>Why don't you copy and paste your last post and start a new thread, asking for help with your plan A. I want you to get as much help from the others as possible. you may want to give a brief summary at the beginnning of how long you've been in Plan A.<P>You're in a very difficult and frustrating situation. I wonder if you'll get more help on a new thread. ok?