I have been in an EA for nearly two years. My marriage has been suffereing much longer than that. The OW has been a friend, a lover, an incredible sex partner, but I am starting to wonder (after reading through some of these posts) what I should do. BS suspects the affair but I have denied it all along. We separated recently and now I am beginning to see something in her that I find desirable. I don't know how to tell her about the EA, but I know we cannot reconcile unless I do. My fear is that she will never let me back into her life if she finds out the truth.<BR>

please note that <BR>EA = Emotional affair <BR>and <BR>PA = Physical Affair<P><B>The OW has been a friend, a lover, an incredible sex partner<BR></B><BR>this is an EA/PA <P>youre in a fog and straddling the fence you need to decide what you realy want..... if its your mistress then why hurt your wife by telling her but if its your wife she has a right to know and you two can move on together from there. beware if its your wife you want the only way to get rid of the OW is by NO CONTACT you need to decide what you reallywant first <P>good luck<BR><p>[This message has been edited by LuvOnTheRox (edited September 01, 2001).]

Welcome BH,<P>My suggestion ... use the separation time wisely. By that I mean stop all contact with OW. Be introspective and think about what happened to get you and your wife (your marriage) to this place of discontent. Print the EN Questionaire here and fill it out. You'll then know what your ENs are. Share yours with your W and have her do the same.<P>Read everything on this forum regarding Infidelity (SAA) and it's causes, also Her Needs/His Needs. <P>If you decide it's your wife and marriage that you want (which is the wisest decision) start Plan Aing your wife. Eventually you need to tell her about the A (Radical Honesty).<P>You see BH, you could pursue the A and I can guarantee you'll end up in the same boat and back here again, new relationship same issues, because you need to find out what it is in you that contributed to the marriage discord. You are 100% responsible for 50% of your marriage. <P>I sense you still love your wife and as you stated, are starting to feel "in-love" (desire) feelings for her again. That's excellent and a sign there is a good chance of recovery.<P>Make your marriage bullet proof and stay here and learn. Then educate your wife by bringing her here also. You both can have what you want and badly need from your marriage using MB's principals. <P>One other thing, when you tell your wife about the A, which I bet she already suspects, she will be hurt where there just aren't words. She will experience an array of intense emotions and will be angry with you. Be compassionate, honest and take responsibility for your part, BH. Being a BS, I can't tell you how much the A changed my life and marriage, a complete loss of innocence. But there are so many couples here that have survived and their marriages are thriving. The A was a wake up call for them and made their marriage more fulfilling then they ever dreamed possible.<P>Keep the faith and know there are very wise people here that can help you and your wife navigate thru this very challenging time in your marriage.<P>Love and Prayers,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited September 01, 2001).]

Thanks for the clarification on the abreviations. Yes, it is EA/PA. I just sent OW an email telling her I needed to spend time with my kids today. She sent a response to which I am almost afraid to open. BS is trying so hard to make us work and I am beginning to come out of the fog a bit and am finally feeling the guilt. I know the right thing to do, but doing so will hurt two women that I care so much about.

Yes, there will be a lot of hurt on both sides and that is something you must face. You must be accountable for your actions and you have a lot to deal with. I congratulate you on recognizing the fog and for coming here for help.<P>You know in your heart you MUST end it with OW and completely end contact - always. You will be in pain and she will be in pain. BUT - your wife will be going through a pain and hurt that she has never experienced before. Believe me, the betrayal of my H has hurt me like nothing else. Coming clean with your wife and showing total honesty, remorse and committment to rebuildling your marriage will count for so much.<P>Read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley and another excellent one is After the Affair by Janis Abram Spring. That one is also on cassette! <P>Strength to you.

Thanks to all for the support. It's time I take some steps in the right direction. I know it won't be easy, and I also realize there's a chance for failure, but I have got to stop the irresponsible and self destructive behavior that has brought me here.<P><BR>

I went over and spent the afternoon and evening with BS and the kids, BS invited me to stay the night. Altough BS has had no interest in sex for the entire marriage, I felt the desire as always. She knows this has been one of the biggest issues in the marriage and has finally pledged to do something about it, although there was nothing happening between the sheets that night. If I don't initiate, then nothing happens. Sunday night we had dinner together as a family, put the kids to bed and watched a movie. BS fell asleep o nthe sofa. After the movie ended, I could tell she wanted me to stay, but I didn't want the disappointment of going to bed wanting to make love, and nothing happening, again. So I opted to go back to my place. <BR>It almost made me feel like calling up the OW after I got home and inviting her over for one of our marathon romp sessions, but I didn't. I have avoided physical contact with OW all weekend and have communicated only via email. OW is wondering what is going on, why the distance. I cannot bring myself to tell her the truth just yet. Call me a procrastinator. <BR>I know there's plenty of material here about restoring intimacy, but what to do when you just really need to have your sexual needs met and your choice is OW who can offer an incredibly fantastic time physically and with whom you love deeply, or BS who will just "accomodate" your needs, show no intrest, and pretty much make you feel like you could have just taken care of yourself in the shower and spared messing up the sheets? <P>Please forgive if I sound bitter. The bitterness of NEVER having sexual needs met in this marriage is what created my resentment and led me to having the EA/PA. <P>Any suggestions?<P>

BH, I suggest you buy the book "How to Fall in Love, and Stay in Love" by Harley. It explains emotional needs of men and women. It explains how sex for a man is like conversation to a woman. I used to be a "no sex" wife, until I realized that my H needed it. I used to withhold sex from my H because I was upset with him. I felt that it was a "gift" I gave him, and when I withheld it, I had more power---Do You understand?? I never did because I wasn't attracted to him, but because I wanted to punish him....I didn't know better, but now I do!!!!!!! <P>I think you should also tell your wife about the affair. Be prepared for a MAJOR blowup, but try to understand what she is going through. She will be really hurt and upset, and mad for awhile (been there, done that). But total honesty is the best, because if you try to reconcile, before she knows the truth, you run the risk of her finding out after you are getting back together, and that takes you back to square one.....<P>I know that AE/PA happens, and can be a real eye opener. It is NEVER the best way, but is it has happened, it can make your marriage better than you ever thought. You might say a prayer, before telling your wife. God always has the right answers!!!<P>Take care, and God Bless!~<BR>Faith n Him

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I know there's plenty of material here about restoring intimacy, but what to do when you just really need to have your sexual needs met and your choice is OW who can offer an incredibly fantastic time physically and with whom you love deeply, or BS who will just "accomodate" your needs, show no intrest, and pretty much make you feel like you could have just taken care of yourself in the shower and spared messing up the sheets? <P>Please forgive if I sound bitter. The bitterness of NEVER having sexual needs met in this marriage is what created my resentment and led me to having the EA/PA. <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hello, BH.<BR>You could be my WH, your story sounds so incredibly similar! I'm sorry your W doesn't desire SF, and I was there...but I've come to realize that I wasn't totally at fault there, either! It takes two..... EN's of mine apparently not being met that made me feel that my H wasn't "worthy" or sex wasn't worth my time? I'm not sure. I hope we get to talk about it someday (My H and me, I meant ) In the meantime, you and your W could do ENQ together and you would find out her EN's, which could end up with her more willing to accomodate your SF need.<P>On another plane, I now desire my H as never before. Is that because he is freely giving himself to someone else? Possibly. Maybe it takes "losing" what you once took for granted to realize you lost it. Maybe your W will come to that place, too, if you tell her where "you've been" - that is that you have been having PA with OP.<P>The only way to truly "fix" this is to be totally honest with your W and begin repairing the wreckage. I would suspect she already has her suspicions about your A. If she sincerely wants to reconcile and help you fix your M, she will move closer to you, and as you move closer to her, it could help you both overcome those unmet needs that led to this unhappiness.<P>I wish you well in your quest to "do the right thing," as it's the only way to find true peace and contentment. Staying in the situation you are in will NOT do it, as you are coming to see. Good luck to you both.<P>Lupo

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lupolady:<BR><B> Hello, BH.<BR>You could be my WH, your story sounds so incredibly similar! I'm sorry your W doesn't desire SF, and I was there...but I've come to realize that I wasn't totally at fault there, either! It takes two..... EN's of mine apparently not being met that made me feel that my H wasn't "worthy" or sex wasn't worth my time? I'm not sure. I hope we get to talk about it someday (My H and me, I meant ) In the meantime, you and your W could do ENQ together and you would find out her EN's, which could end up with her more willing to accomodate your SF need.<P>Lupo</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi Lupo,<P>BS and I talked about the ENQ the other night. While she is reading general content on the MB website, I am perusing the Infidelity section for answers. We agreed to take the ENQ this week. <P>Meanwhile (and I feel like an addict at this this point) I cannot stop thinking about the SF that OW gives me. I would prefer to have that with W right now, but it's never been fulfilling. I told W (before marriage) that her inability to fulfill my SN would cause major problems down the road. THAT WAS 8 YEARS AGO.<P>So here I am. I'd love to go home and make passionate love to my wife, but I'd just feel like I was using her, as she doesn't enjoy sex at all. Or do I invite OW over and have something that we both know gives us tremendous satisfaction? <P>For once, I have a conscience about this. I'd like to know what a BS thinks about this. Your hubby needs a fix. To whom should he go?<P><p>[This message has been edited by Bad Hubby (edited September 03, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>For once, I have a conscience about this. I'd like to know what a BS thinks about this. Your hubby needs a fix. To whom should he go?<BR>[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You know the answer to that already! You said so yourself: "...I have a conscience about this..."<P>Continued contact w/OW will NEVER be a good thing. You MUST fix your M, or break it off properly before moving on to an OP....<P>I read somewhere on this site about "sexually cold women" - that's not the right heading, but something like that....it's in the SF section of EN's, I think. GO THERE. Have your W go there if she is interested in saving your M. It taught me a lot, and I think I would go now (my own self, personally w/H's blessing) to buy books that taught me what I was missing about sex that made me dislike it...I think we can ALL re-learn.<P>Lupo<BR>

I just had to reply to this one. Badhubby first of all if nothing else you owe your W the truth. You say you love OW also. Has the OW been there to fill all your EN's or just SF? My H and I have been separated for 5mos. I'm quite sure he has had an EA with a married co-worker. He swears that they are only friends and he is not having sex with any one other than me. Actually,I believe him. My H could go without sex for a good 2mos. You see, it's not as though I don't enjoy sex it's just that it wasn't a priority to me. I love my H and was/am still very attracted to him. When I ask him to leave I don't know what it was, I guess the realization of how much I truly love him and the thought of my M ending our sex life is incredible. Seriously. Lupo I know exactly what you mean. My H has a very hard time trying to understand what has happened to me. I am now the the one iniating. I look forward to us being intimate. As I said we are still separated but I notice that he is spending more time here with the kids and I. So, please if you are willing to try and save your M be honest and truthful with your W. I know you say you love the OW but it sounds as though the relationship is mostly physical. There is a chance that you can share that passion with your wife. My best to you I hope you make the right decision.<BR>cybil

BadHubby,<P>I'll pass on a bit of advice my ol' MB buddy here gave me once. At that time, I was not sure of anything I said or did with my H. I always thought that he took what I was saying negatively.<P>Well, I posted about my insecurites and my buddy "Waiting for Her" gave me some excellent advice.<P>He proposed that I was pre-determining my H's reactions to my questions therefore I wasn't really listening to his answers but only how I thought he would answer.<P>For example, I mentioned once that I was going to load up some old toys of the kids and take them to the dump. He didn't even say anything in response but I immediately got defensive and determined that he gave me a wierd look like he thought I was asking for his help. Looking back, it was just a basic conversation. He didn't say or do anything to make me think negatively. I was just so convinced that he would react negatively I felt something that just wasn't there.<P>When I read your post, I thought of this. You have already pre-determined that sex with your wife will be unfulfilling and more like a duty to her. Therefore, you are approaching the possibility of SF with your wife in a negative manner and most likely will not be sastified by even great sex. <P>Don't have any expectations and treat your wife as you would your lover. Make her feel special and she may surprise you. Remember, attitude is very important. If you want to enjoy something you will but you can hate even the most enjoyable things if you convince yourself you hate it.<P>I don't know your specific situation as I am the BS but I haven't had sex with my H in 4 weeks and even though I know about his affair, I would love to be held by him and made love to. But that's a whole other story.....<P>Hope this opens your eyes a bit. It sure did me when I received this same advice.<P>PP

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by peoplepleaser:<BR><B>BadHubby,<P>You have already pre-determined that sex with your wife will be unfulfilling and more like a duty to her. Therefore, you are approaching the possibility of SF with your wife in a negative manner and most likely will not be sastified by even great sex. <P>Don't have any expectations and treat your wife as you would your lover. Make her feel special and she may surprise you. Remember, attitude is very important. If you want to enjoy something you will but you can hate even the most enjoyable things if you convince yourself you hate it.<P>PP</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Peoplepleaser,<P>You are right in that I do think that intimacy with my wife will be unfufilling for her. It would me more fulfilling for me if I knew she were really into it. <P>I cannot imagine it ever being great and maybe that's due to two reasons. Sex with my wife has never been fulfilling, with the exception of sex during our courtship. Then it was fulfilling. One or two years into it, she began to withdraw. It was then I realized that sex was something that she didn't really enjoy for the physical aspects, but more so for the emotional validation it could give her. She withdrew totally when she had figured out she'd finally landed the husband she was looking for. <P>I on the other hand, desired intimacy which included a passionate sex life. She obliged when I made advances, but never, ever, made me feel as thought she liked it. For many years I wondered if there was something wrong with me, or my performance. OK, now I probably do sound like the strereotypical male, concerned with these things and not those of addressing emotional needs of the partner. <P>But why then, are my SN met when my OW is satisfied? I love to satisfy her, and during the times where I strived to satisfy my W, she was never interested, nor seemed to derive pleasure from my efforts.<P>I have always taken issue with the lack of sexual desire my W has demonstrated. She often tried to make me believe that sex isn't everything, but for a man in his 30's to try and believe that a healthy sex life is not important, is, well, just impossible for me. Furthermore, W has, at times tried to convince me that it is normal for some women to have no sex drive, AND that I had an overactive libido!<P>So I end up meeting a coworker, with whom I have fallen in love. Sex was far from our minds, trust me. <P>Inevitably, our EA turned into a PA, and the intimacy we have is something that I cannot decribe here for fear of being kicked off the message boards. Let me just say that I could have never imagined the kind of sex that OW and I have shared. At times, I have been so overwhelmed by the satisfaction that I wondered if we were both driven by lust. But we both fulfill each other's emotionional needs nearly perfectly. <P>The time we (OW and I) have spent together during the last 2 years, despite the adversity, despite the challenges, and arguments that lovers go through, including issues of my marriage, we remain so close. So close that, I had resolved to end my marriage. I was long detached (emotionally and physically) from my W before we separated. <P>If I were to not initiate sex for months with my W, she'd have no problem with it. This was the case before the PA as well as after. <P>I love my W. But now I have had a taste of something that I never could imagine she could be. Maybe my SN's are so strong and I have found someone that can share it with, that the other EN's of each other have been easily fulfilled. <P>I don't know, but right now, I feel like, unless my wife can turn into a sexual dynamo with a libido that is compatible with mine, I will always be yearning for the OW. <P>The fog lifts, then it settles back in. Judging by my previous posts, it would seem that it has made its way back momantarily.<P>But, as my W has tried to convince me, there was something that brought us together in the first place. I acknowledge that, and resolce to give my marriage a chance. But when I come clean with her, I still believe there's a chance she'll withdraw completely and head for the hills. <P><BR>I appreciate you sharing your experiences, and I wouldn't be here if the dialogue didn't help in some way.<P><BR>[This message has been edited by Bad Hubby (edited September 03, 2001).]<P>[This message has been edited by Bad Hubby (edited September 03, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Bad Hubby (edited September 03, 2001).]

Hi again Bad Hubby,<P>Well, I'm thinking since you are the one here trying to save your marriage, or at least exploring the possibilites of salvaging it, that you should be the one to start the ball rolling.<P>I say you have your wife fill out that ENQ for herself. Then I think you should try and meet her top two most important emotional needs. Some women need a close intimate connection with their H before they feel "safe" or "comfortable" enough to give of herself (physical intimacy). <P>You know your wife loves you, and I'm sure she wants to stay married to you. I think if you try and show her you want to make her happy by meeting her needs (top two), she would be willing to reciprocate. <P>The thing is, it probably won't happen right away, it'll take time, she'll need to see you are consistent in meeting her needs. And as you know it took you a while to get here, so it's going to take time to repair and rebuild. <P>BH, when you do tell her what your needs are (SF) you don't hint or allude to it, you tell her what you need. So many BS here never had their WS TELL them what they needed. WS assumed BS knew by virtue of loving them and WS thought BS would intutively know what WS's needs were (crystal ball). BS deserve the chance to be told what WS needs are so BS can make you happy in the marriage.<P>I don't know if I've helped you, I hope I have.<P>Love,<BR>Jo<BR>

Bad Hubby,<BR>You answered your own questions....<P>"Sex with my wife has never been fulfilling, with the exception of sex during our courtship. Then it was fulfilling. One or two years into it, she began to withdraw."<P>"Inevitably, our EA turned into a PA, and the intimacy we have is something that I cannot decribe here for fear of being kicked off the message boards"<P>Do you see the connection? There is not a woman whose sex life wasn't wonderful during the courtship days....Why? BECAUSE YOU WERE COURTING HER!" That's all courtship is..an EA.<P>Hubby, you say after 2 years, her sexual responsiveness went down...how did you change? Hey, it was a sure thing at home, so why bother with flowers, affection, silly cards..you already won her, why keep trying? See what I mean?<P>I see hundreds of couples with the exact same complaint and I'll tell you what I tell them. For a woman, foreplay isn't just what happens when the lights go out and you get horizontal...it's the 24 hours before when you talk to her, listen to her, make her feel special..little things. If kids are involved, it's taking some of the responsibilities off of her so she can feel like more than a MOM. If you meet your wife's needs for affection, attention, admiration...just like when you were courting, or just like you do now with the OW, things will turn around. <P>Now, you've got a mess...you've got to get out of this A and give your marriage a chance..it's going to be messy and downhill for awhile..but, you've got to do it.<BR>T<p>[This message has been edited by Twyla (edited September 04, 2001).]

Bad Hubby,<P>Listen to Twyla, she knows what she's talking about. <P>Jo

Bad Hubby,<P>Are you my husband incognito? You sound so much like him except he is now out of the fog and back home with me. He also had the same complaints that you have-our sex life was not satisfactory for him. I admit I never initiated, but did enjoy the sex. However, he felt rejected and hurt when I would turn him down.<P>He also had an EA/PA with a coworker. He even told me six months after he moved back home that sex with her was so much better than with me. That really hurt very badly. It was almost as bad as discovering the A.<P>My question to you is as was to my H-if sex with your OW is so mind blowing unbelievable, why are you still attracted to your W? My H ended up having sex with me every night while the A went to PA. I did not know this at the time and sex was the only way we were communicating during his withdrawn period. It was just sex, not lovemaking or anything like that. However, he could not stay away from me. <P>Our marriage is now a full year into recovery and our sex life is unbelievable. We have the sex life now that he has always dreamed about. In fact, I am wearing him out . I have not forgotten the extreme pain and devastation of the affair but I am trying to forgive.<P>My H has never been able to answer that question. He just kept saying he still loved me during the A and that he would always love me. The OW just fulfilled this EN so he could not get enough of her. <P>Also, when H finally moved out and could spend all of his free time hanging from the chandeliers engaging in this mindblowing sex, he kept calling me and wanting to have lunch with me. You see, I initiated Plan B and went to no contact whatsoever. So, when he could see this OW and not have to lie and sneak around, he began to come out of the fog like you are now. He asked her for space to sort out of his feelings for both of us. H then determined that his wife and family were more important than his sex life. H thought he also loved the OW but when it came down to a choice, he could not walk away from me .<P>Please understand that your wife needs to know the truth. It will hurt her like nothing else ever could, but she has to know. Maybe you both can create a new marriage from the ashes of this one as my H and I have done. It will take both of you working together and at times may seem irreparable but it can be done. Please read the books the other wise MBers suggested and never forget that you both love each other and can overcome this.

Quote: "If I were to not initiate sex for months with my W, she'd have no problem with it. This was the case before the PA as well as after."<P>Not necessarily true. She doesn't have the benefit of knowing you had a PA. You may wonder if the benefit could ever outweigh the cost of your mistake, but there are many recovered couples here who will tell you that many good things have come to their marriages out of the ashes of an affair.<P>If you "had it" with her when you were dating you can get it back, and even better than it was before.<P>You say you want to give your marriage a chance. Well to get to the point I reference above takes lots of long, hard work. If you are serious, the faster you remove yourself from the influence of OW the better.Do not backslide or you will drag on the agony for all involved. If you are serious about your marriage, be a man and give OW up and REALLY work on your marriage.<P>You will not be able to begin to restore your feelings for your wife, nor, more importantly(for you), her to restore her feelings for you, if you hang onto OW in any way, shape or form. Hard to do, you bet. Other WS here have done it and been very successful. You can to. You just have to want it. Do you?

BadHubby,<P>You asked what BS's feel so you could be compassionate to your wife's feelings. Let me see if I can give you some indication of how we feel. You see, you were already emotionally detached when you made your decision to have an affair, and when you left your wife, but your wife was blind-sided, I'm sure, as was I.<P>My H had problems with my weight (which I have lost all), and with sexual fullfillment because of my insecurity (because of my weight). I haven't been intimate with him in 5 months. He is still on the fence, but I know he is having extramarital sex. I don't think it is with any one person, though. Anyway, my feelings when I first found out for sure that he was sleeping around:<P>My heart stopped. I couldn't believe it. Of course, my just having a baby a week before didn't help things. If you can imagine the pain of your heart literally hurting, and crying, and weaping, then that's it. I still cry every day almost. Not because of his infidelity, but because it was senseless. He didn't share with me (until I was pregnant) just how unhappy he was, and then I couldn't do anything about it for 9 months because I was pregnant. As it was, I only gained 3 lbs during my whole pregnancy, and I was basically by myself.<P>I have always been a dedicated wife and mother, have never said no to sex, although I will admit I never initiated it very often - mostly because of my own insecurities, but also because I was exhausted from working full time and being a mother to two very energetic little boys, and now a baby.<P>When my H told me, he did it in the most cruel way. We were out dancing, and he told me that he would never go out with me again. He got upset with me for something. He said he didn't love me. I started to leave, but then I came back and asked him if he was seeing someone. He showed me a hickie on his neck. Is that cruel or what!?! I was distraught. I walked out - he followed me. I could tell he regretted having told me, but he also said he didn't love me, and would stay only as a convenience. He said, you forgive, so forgive me. I told him that this was what was so sad, I would forgive him, and he didn't even care.<P>He left that night, and came back the two days later. My 11 yr. old son had talked to him and told him, basically, how sorry he was for treating me that way. He said he would try - would give it 100%. Lies - all lies. He was there for 1 more week, the whole time going out and disappearing for hours at a time, while I was at home with a baby. Never trying. Then he left. Has been gone for 5 months. For the first two months it was nothing but I want a divorce. Then, after I lost the weight, and started doing things, he started paying attention, and said he would reconsider. Now he's on the fence, holding me in limbo. He says he can't stop resenting me for waiting this long to lose the weight. He said he told me - I say he didn't. It doesn't matter now, anyway. He was paying attention, and then 1 weekend he disappeared all weekend. When he came back, he did an about face. He still says he is thinking about it, but he is showing no interest in me or my whereabouts at all now.<P>My heart aches every day. My children hurt every day. My heart hurts for them. I am on anti-depressants, and I'm a very strong person, but I couldn't do it without them.<P>I'm sorry this is so long, but felt you needed some history so you could see how I felt a little. <P>You may think that nothing you've done is as bad as my husband, but you have to remember that your wife has never experienced this pain, so it will seem just as bad to her as it does to me. It's like having a baby - it doesn't matter whether you have a 5 lb baby or a 10 lb baby, the pain is the same.<P>The pain is something that almost cannot be explained. There are panic attacks, there are anxiety attacks. My face breaks out often because of my anxiety. My confusion is unbearable, and how can I be there 100% for my children? My H left me at the worst time possible - 1 kid going through puberty, a new baby, and a 9 year old that feels left out because I have to give most of my attention to the baby, and don't have H there to help.<P>It doesn't matter that I have a baby, and your wife doesn't, her problems will be all too unique to her. Let her decide if she wants to fulfill your sexual needs. I don't have that choice, or that chance. Give it to her. Let her try. You do need to let her know of your affair, and you do need to let her grieve, but the first opportunity you get, let her try to fulfill your sexual needs. You may be surprised about what she will learn about herself from almost losing what she held dear to her.<P>TIG