God, Help me please!

Impulsive? You OK, man?<P>Hang in there! And don't be too hard on yourself when you're feeling down. It would be extremely unrealistic to expect you to remain on a high all the time, especially during these trying circumstances. Consistency in attitudes and behavior are more important than consistency in emotions, and it is crucial for you to demonstrate (to both yourself and your wife) that you are able to deal with negative feelings as well as positive feelings.<P>You deal with them by accepting them, experiencing them, and then <I>doing the right thing</I>.<P>I'm not going to repeat what Mike C2 said, since he said it very well. However, I do want to add something regarding what you said about starting to think about life without your wife.<P>There is only <I>one</I> reason for you to think about this, and that's to render your fear powerless. Once you <I>face</I> your fear of losing your wife, and recognize that this would not destroy you, you should be able to proceed on your chosen course without so much desperation. But at that point, you should not look back. If you dwell on thoughts of losing your wife, you will only become demoralized. So dig in and determine to do <I>everything</I> it takes to win her respect and admiration.<P>At some point, it will dawn on your wife that <I>she</I> is in control of whether she abandons your marriage, and it's not something she <I>has</I> to do. And while your wife may have "checked out" of your marriage emotionally (or at least tried to do so), it's a big emotional leap from doing that to actively working to dismantle your marriage. The longer you show her that you are the person she needs you to be, the harder it is going to be for her to take that emotional leap. In your current circumstances, time really <I>is</I> on your side.<BR>

I guess I'm hanging in there. The waiting game is hard. Patience is a virtue? Who ever said that should be drawn and quartered. I'm very proud of myself. I have made some great lifestyle changes, that really are not that hard to maintain. The suppression of my taker is very hard. I'm lonely.

My wife and I are getting along very well these days. I'm concerned because she'a associating not being in the marriage with us getting along perfectly. She feeling like celibacy is better for our relationship. Me not love busting as being directly related to us not being in a relationship. Separate to her is stress free, and a definite positive. I can't imagine how this is going to make her want her marriage again? Is there a such thing as plan A'ing your way out of a marriage because the new you is so appealling that she doesn't want to jeopardize it by venturing into a relationship again?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by impulsive:<BR><B>Separate to her is stress free, and a definite positive. I can't imagine how this is going to make her want her marriage again? Is there a such thing as plan A'ing your way out of a marriage because the new you is so appealling that she doesn't want to jeopardize it by venturing into a relationship again?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I believe the answer is "yes", but it's way too earlier for you to be worrying about that yet. Your wife is still pushing you away, so you know she isn't too comfortable. You don't want to pull her out of withdrawal into conflict until she is secure in her current situation. At least, that's how I see it.<P>You talked about the "waiting game" earlier. Just remember that there's more than one way to play the game. Picture a waiting room, bare except for a wooden bench and a clock on the wall. Now picture another waiting room. This one has a large-screen TV with hundreds of channels, a video-game console with a large selection of games, a fully-stocked kitchen, a wall full of interesting books, a set of exercise equipment, and a luxurious couch.<P>How long do you think you could stand to wait in each waiting room?<P>Patience <I>is</I> a virtue. It's <I>also</I> a state of mind.<BR>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by impulsive:<BR><B>I'm concerned because she'a associating not being in the marriage with us getting along perfectly.</B><P><rubbing temples> Imp, you are going to give me an aneurysm with mindtwisters like this.<P>Getting along perfectly IS a relationship. You are equating a "relationship" to "Imp having sex". We guys think like that.<P>You are in a productive phase where she is starting to like and respect and appreciate you. Don't look for commitment and passion and concern for your needs, that is still aways off.<P>Look at it this way. You are making it verrry difficult for her to leave this wonderful, perfect companion. Time is on your side. As you continue to impress her, her lovebank builds, her resentment subsides, your husband and wife relationship will reignite.<P>It is a shame if she continues to keep making negative comments, because that can become self-reinforcing...she hears it in her ears and it keeps those feelings alive. I think I might look for the opportunity to very carefully, after another negative comment, request that she refrain from that, that you understand how she feels right now, you've got the message.....if she gives you backchat, don't argue or debate, just back down and say 'Okay, I'm just making the request. Please think about it." <BR> <BR>Mike<BR>

So just sitting back and not love busting and being patient is making love bank deposits? I was concerned that if I wasn't giving physical pleasure like hugs or foot rubs, or back rubs I was not making love bank deposits!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by impulsive:<BR><B>So just sitting back and not love busting and being patient is making love bank deposits?</B><P>I think in your case your biggest lovebank deposit opportunity is domestic support, and your biggest opportunity for relationship advancement is to avoid lovebusting and annoying behavior and act in a consistently steady, loving manner. <P><B>I was concerned that if I wasn't giving physical pleasure like hugs or foot rubs, or back rubs I was not making love bank deposits!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Imp.....has she ever said that affection is a top EN of hers? Has she ever <B>requested</B> the backrubs or footrubs? You have to watch out that those sort of things aren't actually your Taker meeting YOUR need for affection, and therefore be a net loss.<P>Withdrawn spouses don't generally seek or appreciate physical affection, it seems to me. <P>

Impulsive, I just stumbled onto you ongoing saga. It is very close to what I am going through myslelf, right down to the time frame. Have not had the time to read all 17 pages of your story but would love to pick your brain and share some of my story. After 12 years of marriage and 2, in Feb. my wife gave me the same speech you got. Ouch. What got us to that point may be different from you, but her emotional withdrawl is quite similar. At least you are having sex, I've been 2 months without. My mind is like a sponge right now. I read up on issues re my situation, I go to therapy (which I always thought was wacked before), I go to meetings. You name it I'll try it.<BR>I need the support right now and my wife isn't willing or able to give it. By the way my wife and I are 35 so alot is similar between you and I. Be in touch.<P>Cowboy

impulsive, don't get hung up on <I>how</I> you make love bank deposits. Think about it this way: you've got twenties, tens, fives, ones, quarters, dimes, nickels, and pennies. So you go to the bank, and they tell you they're not accepting fives that day. That doesn't mean you can't deposit all the rest.<BR>

Welcome to the party Cowboy. Yeah it's been a little over 2 months now and I remember thinking it's only 2 weeks and I could not imagine going two months. My saga has been a two month roller coaster ride of emotions. It's really been a learning experience that I've haven't enjoyed but am glad I having because I'm growing as a person daily. If you can learn anything from my struggle learn that patience is the operative word here. It's something that I struggle with daily. Plan A is hard as hell, and unless someone has gone through it they can not understand how hard it is to deal with the guilt of bringing a marriage to the brink of failure because of your own stupidity, and having to make major lifestyle changes in order to change the course of your marriage, while the person you realize you love more then ever has absolutely no interest in being around you or with you at all. Plan A is like a radical behavior modification torture technique. It makes you a better person, but challenges every aspect of your old personality. In my case I had to recognize that I was a complete loser of a husband. Once you realize your shortcomings you have to take affirmative steps to no longer destroy but instead mend. This is very difficult because you have to reliquish control. You have to understand that you can't fix it, it's a evolution of a process not a revolution. It's also pain stakingly humbling. Hang in there. If you need to vent do it here. If you have a need to write longer email me at regaldad7@aol.com There are alot of experienced, knowledgable people on this board that have a tremendous amount of compassion, and obviously patience (After dealing with me over the last 2 months) that can help you here. Be positive and encouraged.

Here we go again, Progress I think! Out of the blue the wife came to me eith open arms to hug me, and said thank you so much for doing such a good job around the house cooking, and cleaning and taking care of the kids. She then said while still hugging me that you have changed into such a wonderful person. I said thank you. I wanted to hold her for about a hour or so but I reluctantly let go, because I didn't want to do anything that made her regret seeking affection. I wanted to jump for joy but I maintained my composure. I was expecting a negative comment right after but it never came. I know she notices my strides but it doesn't always seem like it. I'm focusing on doing things unconditionally and not to seek her reaction or approval. How big of a sign is this? Is this the progress it felt like? I think it's important that I maintain my discipline and patience here because before when she reached out it spawned expectations and a smash and grab by my taker. OK what can I do to bolster this progress, or what don't I do to stifle this progess, or do I just maintain my course of action??

Congrats on the hug from the wife. I know how good that must have felt. I had a pretty good day myself. My wife, kids and I went to breakfast and then went shopping for plants for around the house. Once home my wife gave me a hug and kiss as well. That felt so great. Anyway a little later we had a pretty deep discusion initiated by her. She felt the need to remind me she is still not "in love" with me and doesn't know if she will ever get the feeling back. That hurts every time I hear it. I've been warned by other posters that it is normal for the withdrawn spouse to keep telling you she doesn't love you even if love deposits are being made by you. She is still pissed at all the neglect I poured on her over the last 12 years and has to reinforce to herself that she doesn't love me, so she says it every time we talk deep. I didn't start the discussion today, so I guess that her wanting to talk is a good sign. Anyway, congrats on the good day.<BR>Cowboy

[QUOTE]Originally posted by impulsive:<BR><B>I was expecting a negative comment right after but it never came.</B><P>I was expecting one in reading your recounting <P>Well, that is progress, the positive without the straightarm. <P>Now make sure you don't disrespect the boundaries you have set. Let her know she can be kind without you making assumptions and looking for SF.<P>Other than that...hey, just keep on keeping on, it is getting you hugs and gratitude <P>Mike <BR>

Unfreaking believable!!! I'm home all night with the kids. Wife is at work. Kids in bed by 10:00pm, wife does not get off until 1:00 a.m. Doesn't get home until 4:00pm, must of had a few drinks after work. Walks in, 2 minutes of small talk, goes to the bathroom, and calls out to the front of the house to me on my trusty couch. Hey!! You wanna mess around? I literally had to pinch myself to see if I drifted to sleep. Sure, I said. Went back to her room and started at her toes, and worked my way up. Didn't know when or if I was going to get sex again so I made the best of it. Her orgasms were earth movers! So afterwards I got her a towel, a glass of water, and tucked her in and left the room after kissing her on her forehead. I can't believe she asked for SF!! After all that talk about it was not a good idea, and a mistake, I was bunkered in for the long haul. I'm a little concerned that she was fairly liquored up. Does that diminish the sincerity of the request? Did it affect her judgement? Was it just her getting her rocks off, or was it something more profound? Well I think it is very important that I act tommorrow, exactly how I acted today. I don't want to give her any reason to feel like last night was a mistake. Is this a good sign or am I reading to far into a drunk horny wife coming home and asking for SF?

impulsive, the answer to your questions are all the same: who cares? <P>Bottom line, you were given an opportunity to make a love bank deposit. Take what happened as a good sign, but don't take anything for granted. Slow and steady wins the race.<BR>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by impulsive:<BR><B>Unfreaking believable!!! I'm home all night with the kids. Wife is at work. Kids in bed by 10:00pm, wife does not get off until 1:00 a.m. Doesn't get home until 4:00pm,</B><P>I'm assuming you mean 4:00 am.<P><B>Her orgasms were earth movers!</B><P><high five><P><B>I'm a little concerned that she was fairly liquored up. Does that diminish the sincerity of the request? Did it affect her judgement? Was it just her getting her rocks off, or was it something more profound?</B><P>Obviously, alcohol lowers inhibitions, which is why we all had sex with so many ugly people in college. <P>But....I still think this is definitely a net plus, because sometimes alcohol also makes people get a little mad and morose about marital problems. Better that she reacted the way she did then coming home and cutting your penis off in your sleep.<P>Much better, now that I ponder it.<P><B>Well I think it is very important that I act tommorrow, exactly how I acted today. I don't want to give her any reason to feel like last night was a mistake.</B><BR> <BR>Exactly. As Bill Parcells said to his players who were hotdogging after touchdowns "Try to act like you've been there before."<P>And get some good scotch in the house <BR>

I getting a little confused here. No negative feedback from the SF, things have been very civil, and extremely smooth lately. I have been working hard to not LB and continue to maintain a consistent commitment towards the EN that I know are important to her. I'm a little compulsive with my cleaning. I make her bed everyday, I wash the dishes several times a day. I don't allow anything to be out of place in the house. It seems as though she's getting a little frustrated by my constant cleaning. She stopped me today from making her bed. She said it's ok you don't have to do that. I didn't fight but I was a little diappointed. My personality is all or none. I have a very hard time doing anything half way. I'm focused in on the changes I needed to make and now it's like I'm to focused for her comfort. Can my cleaning and trying to provide adequate domestic support become a LB? I don't understand how no domestic support can be a huge LB, and then to much domestic support can become a LB. I guess moderation is the key, but then I might not provide the support at a time when she really depends on it, and then i LB in the other direction. Has this ever happened to anyone before. I'm scared because the last thing I want to do is turn her off by trying to hard to be the ideal mate, from a far with no pressure.

Hi impulsive,<P>I was wondering, have you mentioned anywhere that you are actually OCD or ADHD?? I am ADHD and I **used** to be a very, VERY black and white thinker. <P>It was:<P>RIGHT OR WRONG<BR>DARK OR LIGHT<BR>ALL OR NOTHING<P>And it drives people (especially our spouses) NUTS!!<P>How you answer will determine which way I can go with advice for you...<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

Well I've never been diagnosed because it's never came out in the form of a problem before. I do know that I am definetely all or none. So I don't know how to deal with this in regard to my plan A.