[QUOTE]Originally posted by impulsive:<BR><B>It seems as though she's getting a little frustrated by my constant cleaning. She stopped me today from making her bed.</B><P>Okay, Pontius Pilate, enough hand washing <P>There comes a point where meeting the Domestic Support EN or being tidy crosses over to a silent accusation that your spouse is a slob. You appear to have entered that zone. I wouldn't want to delve into the psychology of it, all that is important is that it has apparently morphed from meeting an EN of your W's to becoming a lovebuster. Perhaps you need to find a new outlet....paint a few rooms, do some outside planting, take a mistress...but I digress.... <P>No, seriously, redirect your energies. But I would talk to her, otherwise your changes may cause friction. Say that you sensed she didn't want you to make her bed...see what she says. <BR>

I'll be back tomorrow,<B>impulsive</B>... I do have some thoughts, but can't write them all right now... it's late and I'm sooooo tired.<P>I'll be back!!<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

I think it's natural for a withdrawn spouse to try to reject extra-perfect meeting of needs in one area when they've developed a sense that needs are not being met in another area. Or when they develop a sense that the meeting of such needs is "going overboard" at an unsustainable rate due to desperation. Or when they feel like there's an attempt to produce guilt in them by meeting some need. Or when they <I>are</I> feeling guilty because they are quietly hardening their resolve to leave.<P>If she doesn't want you doing something, you can't give her the third degree. You need to ease back on what you're doing and try to work out in your own mind what's going on--then probe gently to confirm or disprove your hypothesis. Try again until you gain understanding. Then address that problem.

I am new to this discussion and have not read all the messages, but I think I've read enough to get the jist of it. The bottom fell out of my marriage 7 months ago and my H moved out of the house. I know what it is like to have your partner tell you that they see no future for your marriage, but they probably don't fully believe that themselves. My H said that for quite a while, but he is slowly starting to see a little glimmer of hope. This may seem like an awful long time, but it's not. Your W has probably been unhappy in the marriage for quite sometime. You need to show her that the reason you are doing the positive things you are is because you love her NOT because you want something in return. From some of the comments it appears this is not the case and she can probably see this too. You need to be the best person you can be to your W without expecting ANYTHING in return. Yes, it is a roller coaster ride, but you need to keep your eyes focused on the future. Your W is trying to test the authenticity of your claims by making these negatives comments. The best things you can do is LISTEN and empathize with her feelings. Acknowledge the fact that you hurt her deeply and that you wish you would have come around sooner. Do not make excuses or try to blame her. There will be times where you will not be able to do this, but get right back on the horse. It may take sometime for your W to come back to the line of reconciliation, but you must be waiting for her there with open arms. So many times a spouse does come around, but the other one has gotten impatient and walked away too soon. Find some support from family or SAME sex friends and know that God fully supports you in your efforts to make your marriage work. Find strength in the Bible and ask for His help. He does not approve of divorce. I am currently in a support group called Divorce Care. It is offered by different churches which can be found on their website at <A HREF="http://www.divorcecare.com" TARGET=_blank>www.divorcecare.com</A> I would encourage you to find such a group that will you support you fully in your efforts to reconcile your marriage. Most of them are focused on helping you get through divorce, but make sure you find one that really believes in the sanctity of marriage. It will make such a big difference. Our culture is too engrossed with the notion that if things get rough the best thing to do is move on. The pain from divorce lasts a lifetime so spending a few months/years up front can save you from a lot of pain in the future. If you can make this marriage work you will have a much deeper relationship than you did before or that you can find with someone else. Even if things do not work out in the long run (years not months), you will be able to feel good about yourself - you took the high road. You will have maintained a civil relationship with your ex-spouse which is very, very important when you have children. My H is still living away from home and talking negative about the future, but I know the changes I have made within myself have definitely made a difference. Be careful that you do not ignore your relationship by getting too caught up in the changes, such as spending too much time at work, with friends, etc. Hang in there, the rewards are worth it.

Hi to all, but especially to <B>impulsive</B>,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by impulsive:<BR><B>I have been working hard to not LB and continue to maintain a consistent commitment towards the EN that I know are important to her. I'm a little compulsive with my cleaning. I make her bed everyday, I wash the dishes several times a day. I don't allow anything to be out of place in the house. It seems as though she's getting a little frustrated by my constant cleaning. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>It seems that your compusive cleaning **is** a LB to her. Remember, the spouse on the receiving end determines what a lovebuster is!<P>I asked yesterday if you are OCD or ADHD -- you mentioned your black and white thinking.<P>If I were you, I would SERIOUSLY consider visiting a doctor to get a possible diagnosis. You can get some excellent advice -- and yes, even meds, if necessary -- that will help you put things back into proper perspective.<P>I am ADHD and have tendencies toward OCD behavior. I have to guard myself against the "all or nothing" thinking, and also against being IMPULSIVE. Hey, you named yourself that for a reason, I think! <P>I met my ex-H on a blind date and married him six weeks later. We were married for 20 years. Those two things don't seem to go together, but I am loyal to a fault once I determine to be. I have done many, many impulsive things, some dangerous -- one was to have an affair. I slept with the man once and stopped it. My ex had five affairs (that I know of) and I kept taking him back because I felt a loyalty to him and loved him in spite of his mistakes. But the time had to come to take a closer look at what was beneath the problems that caused each of us to stray. <P>It's sometimes the "little things" that drive people apart finally. I would hate to see something like your making her bed drive her away. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>She stopped me today from making her bed. She said it's ok you don't have to do that. I didn't fight but I was a little diappointed.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>It was YOUR expectation -- not hers. NO EXPECTATIONS. That's the only way to go right now.<P>You have such a willing heart... use it to focus on HER needs, okay?<P>Best wishes.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

Super frustrated today. I got a phone call from the wife today telling me that she owes me a apology for coming home drunk, the other night and having Sex with me because she thinks she is giving me mixed messages and leading me on and she doesn't want to do that. I said where is this coming from? She said that I have turned into the most unbelieveable perfect husband that a woman can ask for. I'm am so happy she can't believe it. She has not seen me this happy in years. I told her that when this process first started I was doing nice things for her conditionally. It took me a while to understand the concept of doing things unconditionally. That I do the things I do like make her bed, and clean and cook because I love her and I want to make her life to be easier. She seems to be scared of something. It seems like things have just been going way to good for her and she took this opportunity to bust my bubble. Anytime things go good she comes with a dose of reality that totally saps my energy and optimism. I could understand if I was coming to her and talking relationship. If I was pressuring in some way then I would deserve to be pushed away for being impatient and violating the spirit of my plan A. I'm not doing anything but being a better person, stopped love busting, and meeting all the emotional needs she allows me to, and out of the blue she takes every opportunity to break me down and kill my hope. I don't understand it! It makes it very hard to keep striving towards saving something that she feels compelled to throw away. I don't know what else to do. I'm praying and growing so I'm stronger and wiser but my faith in this marriage is taking a severe beating right now. So what am I supposed to do? What happens next time she comes home and says let's make love? I can't function in this atmosphere anymore. I stopped all the impulsive behavior, and she still seems hell bent on pouring a bucket of water on my tiny flame of hope of saving this marriage.<p>[This message has been edited by impulsive (edited April 11, 2001).]

My marriage really hit the rocks <I>after</I> the XW got some relief from a serious health condition, and <I>after</I> we achieved some measure of real economic stability. In response to my questioning why she wanted to break up the marriage, I heard these exact words that baffle me to this day: "I just have to do this now while times are good."<P>Is there some deep-seated need to have things be difficult? Is there a sense that "well, everything else in my life is now fixed--the problem must be my husband"? Is there just "mid-life crisis"? Is there a desire to stop sacrificing and let others do the sacrificing for a change? Do they feel undeserving of happiness, and thus compelled to destroy it? Or can they just not respect you when they have you on the ropes like this? <P>I'm not sure the questions are answerable. And frankly, if you weren't a good person you wouldn't be perplexed by them. You would simply slough the marriage and children and move forward, mindlessly sharklike, toward the next relationship or materialistic conquest that would give you momentary comfort and happiness.<P>I heard someone say the other day that he knows of no long-term marriages that have not gone through difficult times. Your wife's dissatisfaction and desire that you have a sham marriage until the kids are out of the house -- certainly qualifies. Marriages do indeed die of neglect. But they can also be smothered, especially when they've gotten fragile.<P>Right now, your hyperattentiveness is at a level that has gone beyond unsettling ... and reached (for her) annoying proportions. You need to ratchet down a notch or two, and distract yourself with either therapy that you attend, or a hobby, or some other innocent diversion. She doesn't seem to be in a hurry to go anywhere. Don't cause her to hurry by making her uncomfortable.

Sisyphus....this might not make any more sense than when your wife brought it up but I suspect she felt like it's ok to quit when things are going good....that's what she said isn't it?...because you're much less of a person if you quit when the going gets rough. If you can hang in until things are better, then a person feels like at least you're not kicking the dog when he's already down.

Maybe this would be the ideal time to go to a marriage workshop together and see if she can get invested in the process too? Don't push too hard, but she is seeing one-sided changes and may feel guilty or inadequate and giving you the back-off to even things out somehow.<P>Don't quit or give in now!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by impulsive:<BR><B>It seems like things have just been going way to good for her and she took this opportunity to bust my bubble. Anytime things go good she comes with a dose of reality that totally saps my energy and optimism. I could understand if I was coming to her and talking relationship. If I was pressuring in some way then I would deserve to be pushed away for being impatient and violating the spirit of my plan A. I'm not doing anything but being a better person, stopped love busting, and meeting all the emotional needs she allows me to, and out of the blue she takes every opportunity to break me down and kill my hope. I don't understand it!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>impulsive, you're taking things too personally. Don't you see, this isn't about <I>you</I> any more. Your wife is not reacting to what you are doing, she is reacting to her own internal feelings. She's not looking for opportunities to knock you down or kill your hope. She's fighting her <I>own</I> hope.<P>Think about it. Here your wife is, withdrawn, watching as if from a distance, seeing the husband she always wanted to have. She's saying to herself, "I thought I had one of those once, but it didn't work right. It hurt me and I threw it away." Then come the nagging doubts. "Maybe it wasn't really broken. Maybe it just wasn't configured correctly. Maybe I shouldn't have thrown it away." So she's kicking herself. Did she do the right thing or not? She couldn't bear being hurt again. But what a terrible mistake if she was wrong. She <I>can't</I> have been wrong. The <I>regret</I> would be too much to bear. Which is the greater risk? Hurt or regret? Sometimes it seems like one, and sometimes it seems like the other.<P>So here she is. You're in the wastebasket, and your wife isn't ready to take you back out. But here's the important thing: <I>she hasn't taken out the garbage!</I> Whether she's aware of it or not, she's keeping her options open.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>It makes it very hard to keep striving towards saving something that she feels compelled to throw away. I don't know what else to do. I'm praying and growing so I'm stronger and wiser but my faith in this marriage is taking a severe beating right now. So what am I supposed to do?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Just keep doing what you're doing! You're in the best position you can put yourself in. Your wife has to wrestle with her <I>own</I> fears now, and there's nothing more you can do except be patient.<P>I'm skeptical about the relevance of most of what Sisyphus said, but he's right to point out the danger of smothering your wife. Think about it this way: if you had a perfect relationship with your wife, what would you be doing with regard to domestic support, etc.? If you are going too far "above and beyond", then your wife will see this as an effort to "win" her back, <I>because that's what it is</I>. If you had a perfect marriage, what interests would you be cultivating <I>for yourself</I>? There is room for some independence within interdependence. You can't have the interdependence right now, so you may as well take advantage of your <I>other</I> opportunities.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>What happens next time she comes home and says let's make love?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I say go for it. You already know that if you reject her, it's not going to go well for you. And you already know that if you interpret this as a signal to step closer in your relationship, it's not going to go well for you. But you <I>also</I> know if you give her what she wants, when she wants it, and let <I>her</I> take lead in the dance of distance, she will start feeling conflicted within herself and dash water on your flame of hope.<P>On the surface, <I>all</I> of these outcomes are negative, and it seems that you can't win. But there's an important difference: The first two options bring her into conflict with <I>you</I>, whereas the last brings her into conflict <I>with herself</I>. That last option is a bit dangerous, but it also happens to be where your wife <I>needs</I> to be in order to bring resolution to the present stalemate. So, yeah, you <I>could</I> end up losing, but it's a risk that cannot be avoided.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by GnomeDePlume (edited April 12, 2001).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by impulsive:<BR><B>I got a phone call from the wife today telling me that she owes me a apology for coming home drunk, the other night and having Sex with me because she thinks she is giving me mixed messages and leading me on and she doesn't want to do that.</B><P>Was this out of the blue, or could it have been in reaction to some perceived or real actions on your part over her "boundaries"?<P>You have identified the pattern...she comes close and then straightarms you as a reminder that there is still work to be done. So, expect it, don't have to win a debate everytime over it, just say you understand her feelings, and let it go. Take the good -- the sex, the recognition of your changes, with the bad -- the need to remind you that she still feels pessimism about the future. She talked herself out of this marriage a long time ago...now you have her in a debate with herself. Keepgiving the angel on her right shoulder ammunition to use against the devil on herleft shoulder.<P>That is the rollercoaster that you have to expect. Your role is to be the stability, don;t react to her negaticvity, appreciate it for honesty, let time do its work. Over time, hopefully, you'll see the highs be higher and last longer and the lows be shallower and shorter in duration.<P>Mike<BR> <BR>

I'm lost right now. I really don't know what else to do. This situation is not getting any better. Once I stopped love busting and started meeting the EN's that she allowed me to meet I thought things would get better somehow. I'm tired of the couch! I'm tired of feeling lonely. I'm tired of walking on egg shells, and getting no where in the process. My taker is starving to death. This existence is equivalent to torture. My finances is getting better by the day. I've made more in the last two weeks then I made in the last two months. Everything is starting to fall into place but my marriage. I'm frustrated beyond belief. I bought a couple of books today. I'm learning spanish via cassette tapes to excercise my mind, I run two miles per day, I'm healthier then I've been in years. Spiritually I'm closer to God then I've ever been but I'm suffering a slow, painful death right now. I probably deserve to suffer for being such a terrible husband for so long but there is nothing I can do about the past. Plan A is not going to work in this case because my wife is irretreivable. Her mind is so made up she is already divorced in her mind. I have to think about life without her. That is what she wants me to do. She told me today that the changes are real. She is convinced that they are the real thing. She also said that although she believes they are real she can't take the gamble that they are going to last forever. She said that she was to unhappy, for to long. She wants me to go forward with my life, and forget about us forever. Be her friend, help financially, and get on with my life. I'm starting to feel compelled to respect her wishes. I can't function like this any longer. I won't do anything like move out, or start dating someone else but I can't continue to hold out hope that a lightning bolt hits her heart one day and I have a chance to prove my love and eternal faithfulness. She has her mind made up. I know her. She would rather die then go back on her word. She made a very good point to me today. She said the reason I have such a hard time excepting the end of our marriage is because of my upbringing. I was a spoiled only child. Even as a adult I've always had people to bail me out of situations. I've always been able to talk my way out of situations. I've never had to deal with consequences because things always worked out my way. Now for the first time I have to deal with consequences. I have to deal with the fact that this thing is not going to go my way. She feels obligated to let me see that. What's next? How do I go on with my life without her? I'm plan A'ed out. I'm emotionally drained. She has made it painfully clear that it's over. I can't stand sitting up night after night can't sleep, can't eat hoping she shows some sign of hope. She been trying to drain my hope well, she did it!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by impulsive:<BR><B>She wants me to go forward with my life, and forget about us forever. Be her friend, help financially, and get on with my life. I'm starting to feel compelled to respect her wishes.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, except for the bit about forgetting, that <I>is</I> what you should be doing. That's what you should have been doing these last two months. What did you think we've been telling you to do? What did you think Plan A was, anyway? It's <I>not</I> some magical ritual formula. It's used to improve yourself and your relationship, and it <I>has already done that</I> for you.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I can't function like this any longer. I won't do anything like move out, or start dating someone else but I can't continue to hold out hope that a lightning bolt hits her heart one day and I have a chance to prove my love and eternal faithfulness.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So, what you're saying is that you intend to continue doing what you've been doing, except this time without hoping for that sudden instantaneous change of heart from your wife? That sounds good to me. Those lightning bolts are extremely rare. Healing a relationship is generally a long, slow process. No one ever said it would be easy.<P>You've been treating your situation like a sprint, hoping that you reach the finish line before you collapse. But your situation is more like a marathon. You've got to pace yourself.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>She has her mind made up. I know her. She would rather die then go back on her word.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't buy your assessment. Wouldn't your wife's stubbornness apply to her wedding vows as well? Well, then, she's already shown herself capable of bending.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>She made a very good point to me today. She said the reason I have such a hard time excepting the end of our marriage is because of my upbringing. I was a spoiled only child. Even as a adult I've always had people to bail me out of situations. I've always been able to talk my way out of situations. I've never had to deal with consequences because things always worked out my way. Now for the first time I have to deal with consequences. I have to deal with the fact that this thing is not going to go my way. She feels obligated to let me see that.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I hear you, man. I wasn't an only child and I wasn't spoiled, but for about the first three decades of my life, I too always had things work out my way. That first lesson where you learn that your life isn't permanently charmed is a tough one, and it can only be learned through experience. You have to learn to <I>adapt</I>.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>What's next? How do I go on with my life without her? I'm plan A'ed out. I'm emotionally drained. She has made it painfully clear that it's over. I can't stand sitting up night after night can't sleep, can't eat hoping she shows some sign of hope. She been trying to drain my hope well, she did it!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>impulsive, my friend, what on earth <I>are</I> you talking about. You're still there, your wife is still there, and you <I>have</I> a life with her. It just doesn't happen to be quite the life you <I>want</I>. Meanwhile, you've been trying to sustain yourself with the fantasy that <I>any day now</I> you will wake up to find all your dreams have suddenly come true.<P>I have a feeling your wife suspects this, and if so, it's no wonder she keeps trying to burst your bubble. What you've been hoping for is simply not realistic, and your wife is legitimately afraid that once you recognize your fantasy for the pipedream it is, you will lapse back into your old bad habits. She <I>expects</I> you to crash and burn, because she knows she can't fulfill your fantasy.<P>What you've got to do, impulsive, is <I>accept</I> your wife <I>just as she is</I> and <I>love her anyway</I>. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't hope for more, but you had better not condition your love on the <I>expectation</I> for more.<P>The thing is, impulsive, as much torment as you have been through (and believe me, I <I>know</I> that torment), you still have no idea how good you've got it. You say that you're "plan A'd out", but let me tell you, if you want to experience a <I>worse</I> hell, all you have to do is throw away what you now have.<P>What you need is an attitude adjustment. Start counting your blessings. Forget the fairy-tale ending and work toward an ordinary happy ending instead. And maybe start working on developing some empathy for your wife, focusing on trying to understand her attitudes and feelings instead of focusing on what her word and actions might mean <I>for you</I>.<BR>

You could work together towards a fixed date she and you can agree on, perhaps August or October. During this time you will continue to provide her with your best, and permanent life-changes, but that if she hasn't decided to join you inside the marriage by that time, then you will call it quits. Plan B. <P>Then she won't be left feeling like whether or not there will be a marriage is strictly up to her, and she won't be pressuring herself to lay down the law with you right now. She might even be able relax and enjoy and get into the dream with you! Does this make sense, or is this counter-intuitive?

Crash and burn!! She came home from work. We talked and I threw the Hail Mary pass towards the endzone and it landed 20 yards short. I knew it would. I think I destroyed two months of progress with one 15 minute conversation. I begged for another chance knowing the answer. The bottom line is that the only way I could be as stable and patient as I've been trying to be is because the lightning bolt dream gave me hope, remote hope but hope. I'm not nearly strong enough to pull this thing off, with no hope. She says to little to late. She says that it's not about me it's about her refusing to go backwards. I think I just have to face the fact that I took the most beautiful gift God can give a man and destroyed it. My wife is supermodel beautiful. She literally turns heads with her flawless face. She was the most trusting, honest, affectionate, naive, loving, sexually passionate woman I have ever dreamed of, and the most lovingly compulsive over protective mother in the world. I go months and months without seeing a woman in person that even comes close to my wife's outer beauty. Her inner beauty was even more profound before I decided to take a 8 year joyride with her heart and destroy any chance of saving our marriage. She's burned out. I'm a idiot!! I don't deserve happiness. I have to try to stay focused enough to continue to grow my business somehow. I feel myself slipping off the deep end. I'm overrought with pain, guilt, and emptiness! I don't know how to pick up the pieces. I will never find another woman as complete and well rounded as this one. This is the cruelest agony God could put me through. I would have rather stayed ignorant and stupid. Why bring me to the understanding of my stupidity, and give me the stregth to make the changes I've made in order to be a day late and a dollar short. I will never get over this. He blessed me with a dream woman and I destroyed it. I know I sound way out of control right now, but not nearly as out of control as I feel right now. I should contact the Harley's and see if they are interested in me helping write a book on how not to conduct Plan A. I've screwed this thing up at every turn! I think I'm beyond salvaging at this point. I guess I'll get up in the morning and put my hopelessly optimistic face on until I get another opportunity to melt down and do further damage by kicking the limp body of my dead marriage.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by impulsive:<BR><B>I guess I'll get up in the morning and put my hopelessly optimistic face on until I get another opportunity to melt down and do further damage by kicking the limp body of my dead marriage.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You sound, I don't know, sort of down today. <P>Listen, imp, if there is one thing that has been a pattern with you guys is that every valley has been followed by a peak. Hang in there, don't buy into your W's fatalism, and, history shows, there will be an uptick. As long as you are making lovebank deposits, the game isn't over. Hunker down and soldier on. GDP's analogy about a sprint and a marathon is an excellent one. You got her attention with the fast start. Now find a sustainable pace. The damage to your marriage was down over years...it won't take as long to repair, but it won't be a few months, either.<P>And look for other things in your life that can make you happy, fill some of your needs, hobbies, reading, kids, whatever. She probably feels "your happiness" as an enormous burden, and fears the return of that aggressive Taker when she lets her guard down. Demonstrate that you are a happy person on your own...that will lower her defenses.<P>Hang in there, buddy.<P>Mike <P>

I feel totally different today. Mike I didn't sound a little discouraged last night did I? I've come to understand that everytime we get close and make what I feel is a tiny step towards progress there is a major correction on her part. I've come to understand that the reason that is happening is because I putting my faith and hope in her rather then in God. It's funny because I pray for God to strengthen me through this season and to give me peace and joy through the storm. My spiits get sky high I start feeling good about life regardless of what my marriage is going through. I have a positive outlook and disposition. Then she will come to me and we'll have sex or have a great day together and then I'll put my faith and hope in her, and before you know it she yanks it from me like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football. Then the crash comes and I end up in worse spiritual shape then where I was when I started. I'm praying for the strength to maintain my faith in God and not my faith in my marriage. I love her and my family more then anything on earth. I can't fix my marriage with words or promises. The only chance I have is for me to focus on me, and my relationship with God and my children and if it's his will for my marriage to come back together then it will happen. I will continue not to love bust, and make as many love bank deposits as I can with out pressure and expectation. The Bible says "A double minded man is unstable in all of his ways". I need to maintain this positive attitude in the face of her negatism and fatalism. The problem is I get so high but then allow myself to be deflated. For the people on this board that are of FAITH, please keep my family lifted up in prayer, and I will continue to pray for the marriages and issues that continue to struggle along with mine.

Having a very tough night. My car died today. The only form of transportation I have is gone now. I can't work with out transpo. I can't take my kid to school. Major setback! The wife seems even mmore distant then ever at this point. Very platonic acting these days. She seems very annoyed by my presence. I asked her a couple of times if I did something to upset her, she says no She's just tired or not feeling good. It's 2 weeks before my next check comes and I will have the cash to buy, a car or truck. I'm just struggling right now. I'm continuing to not LB, or ask for affection or anything. I continuing to provide as much domestic support as possible, but it doesn't seem to be working. I'm really trying to remain positive. I'm working very hard not to have the wild fluctuations in my spirits. It hard though. I don't what to do. Maybe someone has a idea or word of encouragement, No car set my whole situation back on many levels. Help someone!

Sorry you are having a rough night. Is the car totally dead? Maybe just in need of repair? Meanwhile, what about buses or other means of getting around? <P>Your wife sounds like she needs a little space...try and focus on being the best you that you can be, and quit worrying so much about her reactions to everything...that is out of your hands. <P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi

[QUOTE]Originally posted by impulsive:<BR><B>I feel totally different today.</B><P>Yeah, it must be driving your W crazy <P>Listen...the car issue is an opportunity. Solve it and your W will have new respect for your newfound Financial Support acumen. Get to a Rent-A-Wreck or other cheapie rental service and get transportation now. If the car is really dead, sell the bones and use the money to put a down payment on a reliable used car. <P>This is a chance to show her the new dependable you. Solve the problem!<P>God helps those that help themselves.<P>Mike<P>