Gee thanks GDP, LOL That really helped. As soon as you learned to handle your depression your wife left!!!! Boy that's the most insirational thing I've heard all day!!! LOL, I understand exactly what your saying. I hope that's not what's happening here though. If it is I hate to say it but I'll get over it. I understand her pain. I was a moron for a very long time. She endured garbage that no one should have had to put up with. Now all of a sudden I open my eyes, make changes and again I'm asking her to go into what feels like harms way to her. Well I glad you guys feel like I made the right move today but I'm not confident I did the right thing. Part of me thought I should have just said nothing or said I didn't want to talk. I could very well force her hand to do something she might not have done if I didn't make her feel like I made her feel today. I doubt she would get involved with someone but I do think it's possible she could pack the boys up and move back to Seattle where she's from or California where her sister is because she says she doesn't have a support system here. I could force her hands to take my boys across country. Then I'll be sitting here feeling like a jerk, because now my boys are 3000 miles away. I talked to a attorney and he said in my state she just can't take the boys like that without showing a pattern of abuse or adjudicating it. I hope that's true. My boys would be crushed without me, and I'll die without them. I'm really giving her space for a while. A long while. I think my upbeat nature now, irritates her. She told me that I'm very handsome now and she's sure I'm getting hit on alot now. That made me feel good but the bottom line here is I feel like I took a stand that has a tremendous amount risk attached. The other part of this is that she feels financial pressure mounting. The theatre season is winding down and the restuarant she waitresses at is in the heart of the theatre district. She is not making as much money and the daily bills are mounting and that since of independence that she stood on is feeling unstable now. It really make her feel out of control because it makes her feel like she has no option but to depend on me for financial help. She feels like that financial help is contingent upon her giving the marriage a try despite her aversion to the thought of reconcilliation. So I understand her frustration. It's like she backed in a corner to try to make the marriage work. I know I can make her happy if I get a opportunity but it's like I'm unfairly leveraging her dependency on me into getting what I want. I'm not trying to do this but I understand her pain. Wow, am I alive now because I used to be at a place where I never would have seen this from her perspective. I thought she was distant yesterday, today she seemed like speck across the room.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by impulsive:<BR><B>Gee thanks GDP, LOL That really helped. As soon as you learned to handle your depression your wife left!!!! Boy that's the most insirational thing I've heard all day!!! LOL, I understand exactly what your saying. I hope that's not what's happening here though.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Um, let me clarify. My wife didn't leave me <I>because</I> I learned to handle my depression. In fact, by that time she was so self-absorbed that she didn't even <I>notice</I>.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Well I glad you guys feel like I made the right move today but I'm not confident I did the right thing. Part of me thought I should have just said nothing or said I didn't want to talk.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I could be wrong, but I think one of the <I>worst</I> things you could do is withdraw. If your wife wants to talk, you listen. If your wife wants you to talk, you talk. If your wife wants to make love, you make love. If your wife wants to cuddle, you cuddle. Get the picture? Any time she invites you in, you accept her invitation.<P>The rest of the time, you give her space. And if she tries to push you away, you don't budge and you don't push back.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I think my upbeat nature now, irritates her. She told me that I'm very handsome now and she's sure I'm getting hit on alot now.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Why do you think she finds you irritating, hmm? Do you think maybe it's because she's looking for reasons to reject you and she's having trouble finding them? Bit of dissonance there, you know. Makes her uncomfortable.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>That made me feel good but the bottom line here is I feel like I took a stand that has a tremendous amount risk attached.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Unfortunately, you don't have the luxury of avoiding risk. It's <I>there</I>, like it or not, regardless of whether you take a stand. So there's no point in second-guessing yourself. What your wife does is out of your hands.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>The other part of this is that she feels financial pressure mounting. The theatre season is winding down and the restuarant she waitresses at is in the heart of the theatre district. She is not making as much money and the daily bills are mounting and that since of independence that she stood on is feeling unstable now. It really make her feel out of control because it makes her feel like she has no option but to depend on me for financial help. She feels like that financial help is contingent upon her giving the marriage a try despite her aversion to the thought of reconcilliation. So I understand her frustration. It's like she backed in a corner to try to make the marriage work. I know I can make her happy if I get a opportunity but it's like I'm unfairly leveraging her dependency on me into getting what I want. I'm not trying to do this but I understand her pain.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm not sure what to think about this. There's good and bad sides to this. But in the end, I guess it comes back to reality, and to consequences. What can't be changed must be accepted, and that goes for your wife as well as you.<BR>

Well, imps, I have to say that I am really very proud of you. You have come a long way here. You are responding with love to her negativity and, in spite of hurting for her, you are not becoming despondent yourself. Your inconsistencies are growing less and less. Quite frankly IMO I think you made all the right moves. If she wants out of the marriage then she should take the steps for it and that way she will start to learn what awaits her as a newly divorced woman - not that I want her to hurt. But you are right, she is romanticizing divorce. She has a chance now to face the future with a loving husband besides her or alone. It is her choice and what she must remember about you if she does decide to separate is that you remained loving even in the face of the pain she might be causing you. I can tell you that that stood out in my mind while my H and I were separated. The amount of understanding and love he was capable of even though I was hurting him astounded me. I had come to realise that I felt that he was with me because he needed me to bolster him up and that resulted in my losing respect for him (even though I would not have been able to verbalise it at the time). But the strength he displayed during our separation in pulling himself together and also being a support for me earned him my respect all over again. If he had acted all hurt and sour and said "Fine, whatever!", we would not be trying again today. Because I would have felt like he did not love me, only himself. In your behaviour I see a reflection of his. Maybe she will come around or not - that choice is hers alone. But at least you are now secure in the knowledge that you are doing everything possible to make amends for the past, change yourself and change your marriage. And the strengths you are finding in yourself and your capacity for love will stay with you for the rest of your life in all the relationships you have and will provide a good role model for your children. What about counseling for her though? Clearly she has stuff to work out and I know you would be willing to support her while she does it. <P>On the affection, I think you did the right thing at that moment. It was called for.But don't make a habit of it. Her space is vital for her to think right now. Give it to her. <P>I continue to pray for you along with myself. Finding the strength to face my own trials was very difficult today. But it cheers me to see you doing well. <P>God bless

She decided against counseling. I offered. Would it be a good idea to write a short letter and put it on her pillow?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by impulsive:<BR><B>She decided against counseling. I offered. Would it be a good idea to write a short letter and put it on her pillow?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My instinctual reaction? NO! She needs space. Leave her be. She needs to find her own way here. She may feel pressured.<BR>But see what the others say.<P>

OK, impulsive, I'll probably get bashed for my perspective, but I'll go out on the limb.<P>You are continuing to describe <B>my</B> wife and <B>our</B> situation of six months ago (just ask Mike, he was "here" to watch the whole mess unfold). Everything your W does and says is identical to what mine did and said(except perhaps the affair), and everything you do and say is identical to what I did and said. So, let me use my experience to give you some possible insight, and a potential roadmap.<P>I kept trying to show my W my changes (which were real), I kept trying to convince her why this can work, how divorce is wrong, blah blah blah. I might as well have been speaking a different language. My W was so withdrawn by this time, that she was not able to process what was hapenning. She saw my changes, she said I was the "perfect husband", and then...she moved out.<P>Now that she is out and on her own, she is beginning to see (I think) that life here wasn't so bad. I suspect that if I had "kept" her here longer, it would have just made her more miserable.<P>My point is this. I think once someone has withdrawn to the point of deciding to leave, you should not try to stop them. Until she leaves, practice your Plan A to the hilt. Your goal is to give her something good to remember you by. When she leaves (which she will, I suspect), she will have those good memories to ponder over while she is all alone (because even if she starts "dating", she'll still be alone).<P>I think I'm rambling, but what I'm trying to say is that the natural reaction to try keep your W from leaving is probably not all that useful. It just irritates her and makes her feel trapped. I'd give her the "letting go" speech, without any preconditions. Just make sure that when she leaves, she has good memories of the "new" impulsive.<P>Hope this helped.<P>AGG

My wife came home from work, and did not even speak to me. This is so unlike her through this whole process. I said to her I am so sorry you don't even feel compelled to speak to me. She said I'm sneaky, I'm a back stabber, I trapped her and she never knew I was such a coniver. This hurt me deeply. She then proceeded to tell me that she has given me all that she has to give. She has nothing left. She doesn't want the marriage. I've screwed over her our whole marriage and all she's done is love me and forgive me and I just spit in her face so to speak today by not having the decency to let her go. She says it's all about me. I'm selfish. People I was not prepared for this. I didn't know what to say. She is very bitter right now. She is harboring a great deal of resentment. I feel like all the positive I accomplished with Plan A over the last weeks was flushed down the toilet with the developments of today. My counseler told me to expect a great deal of resentment and bitterness from her but I never anticipated this much this soon. He said that it's important that I maintain a positive outlook and I still show her I love her through the resentment and bitterness. She really feels trapped. She is trying to decide what her next step is. I doubt very seriously if reengaging in the marriage is one of the options she is considering. It's hard trying to Plan A when the WS is wishing you were not alive. All I could say to her tonight was that I'm sorry you feel that way, and despite how you feel about me I love you. I'm maintaining my faith in God and my committment towards being a better person. I can't allow her to have such a impact on my self worth and my spirits. I love her people but, she don't see it that way. I'm starting to think that maybe my changes are to little to late. Maybe my marriage was already to far gone for Plan A. I don't know what to do but, I do know that there is a very good chance she is going to leave now. I don't see this as a positive development. I see it as catastrophic. I see it as the point of no return. I guess I made my bed so now I have to sleep in it. Please pray for us! What do I have to look forward to next?

Imp,<P>Seperation does mean the end, in may mean the beginning of reconcilliation. I am in th emiddle of sepration been like that for two months now. In the beginnning the W wanted a divorce she was just waiting out the time that we are required to be seperated before filing. Now I feel and believe that she is watching and waiting to see if the changes I am woreking on in me are real and lasting.<BR>Dont get me wrong IMP seperation is pure HELL! Especially if you re still in love with your partner. I spent a lot of time in tears crying to friends, crying in my counselors office, but the tears dont come as often today the do still come. But it is not over till the judge drops the gavel and says divorce granted!!!!!!!! Hang in ther Buddy you are doing great

The weirdest thing about right now is during this ordeal I could always tell if I was up or down. Right now I can't tell if I'm up or down. I think this feels worse then down.

<BR>Impy, in your last few posts you called your W a "WS", and also commented thatyou wouldn't be surprised if she was having an affair for spite.<P>At this point, I think it would be important to know if she is having an affair. (Although equally important not to have her know you are suspicious).Your Plan A has made its impression...if it is an OP that is stopping progress, than another strategy might be called for here.<P>Do you have reason to believe there could be an OM, EA or PA? Her sudden rush to separate is suspicious in my book....<P>Arguing against it, if she was fleeing the marriage to go to an OM she might not be expressing financial concerns... <P>Mike

OOhh Boy, here it comes the down right apathy and nastiness. She woke up this morning not very nice. I'm just going to leave this in God's hands becuse it's a little much for me to handle right now. If she talks I'll respond nicely and politely, but if she doesn't talk I won't force the issue. The amazing thing is I know I love her because I feel her pain more then I feel my own right now.

Mike the interesting part of yesterdays talk was that she didn't say it's time for you to move out now. She was saying down the line when we are in better financial shape. The stand came and the situation changed once I said I didn't have any intentions on leaving my house. I felt that once she heard me say that she might do something to force my hand like get involved with someone else to send me over the edge. I think she has been surprised by my stances. I think she thought I would give up a long time ago. I still don't believe there is anyone else, I was just thinking out loud that this stance regarding my not moving might cause her to do something to force my hand since everything else she has thrown at me has not caused me to give up. She is very bitter and very stand offish right now.

It might be time to review this article on spousal abandonment: <A HREF="http://clearinghouse.mwsc.edu/manuscripts/61.asp" TARGET=_blank>http://clearinghouse.mwsc.edu/manuscripts/61.asp</A> <P>Meanwhile, your wife is working toward a crisis. The crisis? Stay or go. Which way will it break? Well, that's in large measure going to be answered by what <I>you</I> do. If you stay on-target in your behavior and attitudes, unflappable in the face of her slings and arrows ... she will be hard pressed to find a good reason break away. She will make the decision to stay, but there will be a dangerous potential for her to second-guess herself and hate herself for it ... so you must convince her to get into counseling with you. <P>If she goes, you don't need to worry about her emotions as you continue Plan A. It's <I>your</I> emotions that will be on trial. Bitterness. Anger. Hurt. You will have to control them, in order to give her time to come back around. You think you've already wrestled with these emotions. But she is still with you now, however weirdly she may be behaving. If she's gone, it will be a lot worse. Prepare yourself. <P>Meanwhile, it might be time to do a little something nice for her, nothing overboard. Don't hand it to her personally. Just put it where she'll find it when you're not around. It's just a little experiment to see how she reacts. <P>Then do something nice for yourself. You are facing adversity in an increasingly courageous manner. That's worth a little celebration.

Well, that is tough. Do not give up hope. I think she needs to know that you understand how she feels. You know, whenI told my H I wanted us to split up - all I told him was that I was seriously unhappy and I did not know if I loved him the way a wife should love a husband. He was devasted - torn apart. I can honestly say that that was the worst experience of his life. I told him I needed space to figure it out. He agreed to move out. If he had not, I would have been very angry and felt like he was being selfish. But as to who moved, well we live in an apt owned by my family, so it had to be him who moved even though I wanted the separation. I felt badly that I was disrupting his life and home and offered to move out and let him have the apt, but he said that he felt uncomfortable. In your case, I really think your W should be the one to move out. For later purposes, if it comes down to custody and so on, you don't want to be accused of abandoning the family home. But I understand how she would feel trapped. I am going to say something here that I feel needs to be said but that I know some people might take issue with. In terms of the financial situation, she is your W and she has supported you and tried to love you through many hard times. What is yours is hers too. And if she is bent on this separation, forcing her to stay with financial blackmail is wrong. Remember, you want her to know that you love her and support her. I am not saying that you should leave, but I think you should make it clear to her that if she needs space and she wants to move out, then you will help her financially. If she feels backed into a corner she may well take your kids and move to another state. You perhaps should explore the possibilities of a legal separation - with some ground rules. Just a few, she will not move out of your town. The kids will alternate between you and her. You will always have access to them. You will give her a certain amount of financial assistance during the separation AND she will agree to a specified number of counseling sessions. I think this last one is important. I know if she is not ready it will not help her. But maybe, it will help her to see that while you support her, and want her to be happy and not feel trapped, you are still committed to saving your marriage. Make it clear that you are not trying to trade your financial assistance for her agreement to counselling but you are trying to fairly address both of your needs. She needs to move out and she needs money to do it. You need to keep trying at the marriage. So you are trying to come to an agreement with her about how both of these needs can be met. Point out to her that if you do end up separating permanently (do not use the D word), then as she said in the beginning you all will want to be compatible for the sake of your children. And being able to come to an agreement on this now will set the stage for future agreements about your children and your joint actions whether it is in the forum of your marriage or your separation.<P>After I told my H I needed space, he took a few weeks to move out and I felt annoyed about it. Tried not to show it because he was in such pain. And I felt guilty for feeling anxious for him to be gone, but his prescence irritated me. And I began to dislike him a bit and feel he was selfish.<P>I am not trying to advise you really on what to do. I am just giving you my reactions, maybe some food for thought. Your W needs to be honest with you about what she is feeling so that you can help her by being supportive even if what she wants is not what you want. That is love IMO. Talk it over with your counselor. Talk over with the other people here. But her concerns need to be addressed otherwise she will think that you are being selfish and are only concerned about your own needs, and in a way, you are.<BR>Just IMO.<P>God bless<BR>Leanna

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by AGoodGuy:<BR><B>My point is this. I think once someone has withdrawn to the point of deciding to leave, you should not try to stop them. Until she leaves, practice your Plan A to the hilt. Your goal is to give her something good to remember you by. When she leaves (which she will, I suspect), she will have those good memories to ponder over while she is all alone (because even if she starts "dating", she'll still be alone).<P>I think I'm rambling, but what I'm trying to say is that the natural reaction to try keep your W from leaving is probably not all that useful. It just irritates her and makes her feel trapped. I'd give her the "letting go" speech, without any preconditions. Just make sure that when she leaves, she has good memories of the "new" impulsive.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I strongly agree with this, although I don't know what the "letting go" speech is. If your wife decides to leave, impulsive, let her leave and compare two realities, as opposed to a reality and a fantasy.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by impulsive:<BR><B>I said to her I am so sorry you don't even feel compelled to speak to me. She said I'm sneaky, I'm a back stabber, I trapped her and she never knew I was such a coniver. This hurt me deeply. She then proceeded to tell me that she has given me all that she has to give. She has nothing left. She doesn't want the marriage. I've screwed over her our whole marriage and all she's done is love me and forgive me and I just spit in her face so to speak today by not having the decency to let her go. She says it's all about me. I'm selfish. People I was not prepared for this. I didn't know what to say.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>First off, it probably wasn't such a good idea to trigger a conversation the way you did. You invited the reaction you got. As for the rest of it, I wonder what your wife thinks "letting her go" looks like? What is it that she wants from you? So far, her only proposal seems to have been for <I>you</I> to move out, but I have a hard time equating running out on your family with giving your wife her freedom.<P>Your wife can <I>say</I> that you're selfish, and that this is all about you, but her words and actions indicate otherwise. When she told your son that you were going to move out (which was an despicable and manipulative act), she made it pretty clear that this is actually all about <I>her</I>.<P>The bottom line is that there really was nothing you <I>could</I> say. All you could do is listen and try to understand her feelings (in other words, treat it as an empathy building exercise). Because your wife was not making rational sense.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>She is very bitter right now. She is harboring a great deal of resentment. I feel like all the positive I accomplished with Plan A over the last weeks was flushed down the toilet with the developments of today. My counseler told me to expect a great deal of resentment and bitterness from her but I never anticipated this much this soon. He said that it's important that I maintain a positive outlook and I still show her I love her through the resentment and bitterness. She really feels trapped. She is trying to decide what her next step is. I doubt very seriously if reengaging in the marriage is one of the options she is considering.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well congratulations, impulsive! It looks like your wife is actually ahead of even <I>your</I> timetable for a change! But as your counselor warned you, this is not unexpected and it is not really a setback. I know it <I>feels</I> that way, but in the bigger picture, it's not.<P>No, re-engaging in the marriage is not something your wife is considering right now, but until one of you burns a bridge or two, the option will still be on the table for her. She needs more time.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Maybe my marriage was already to far gone for Plan A. I don't know what to do but, I do know that there is a very good chance she is going to leave now. I don't see this as a positive development. I see it as catastrophic. I see it as the point of no return.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If your marriage was already too far gone, then your wife wouldn't be experiencing all this inner turmoil.<P>Quite frankly, impulsive, your wife <I>may</I> need to leave before she can come back. So seeing such an event as a catastrophic point of no return is inappropriate. Would it be a positive development? I wouldn't go <I>that</I> far. It would be devastating to your kids, and it would sharply reduce your opportunities for Plan A. But that doesn't change the fact that there are some things that some people can learn only through experience.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Leanna:<BR><B>I am going to say something here that I feel needs to be said but that I know some people might take issue with. In terms of the financial situation, she is your W and she has supported you and tried to love you through many hard times. What is yours is hers too. And if she is bent on this separation, forcing her to stay with financial blackmail is wrong. Remember, you want her to know that you love her and support her. I am not saying that you should leave, but I think you should make it clear to her that if she needs space and she wants to move out, then you will help her financially. If she feels backed into a corner she may well take your kids and move to another state. You perhaps should explore the possibilities of a legal separation - with some ground rules. Just a few, she will not move out of your town. The kids will alternate between you and her. You will always have access to them. You will give her a certain amount of financial assistance during the separation AND she will agree to a specified number of counseling sessions. I think this last one is important. I know if she is not ready it will not help her. But maybe, it will help her to see that while you support her, and want her to be happy and not feel trapped, you are still committed to saving your marriage. Make it clear that you are not trying to trade your financial assistance for her agreement to counselling but you are trying to fairly address both of your needs.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, I for one am not going to take issue with this. What you're describing sounds a lot like what Lee Raffel calls <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0809225131/o/qid=987778392/sr=8-1/ref=aps_sr_b_1_1/102-3089218-5845760" TARGET=_blank>Controlled Separation</A>, and the key to it is negotiation. I think it may be worth a try, especially if a counselor can be involved in establishing the terms (since such involvement could easily lead to further counseling).<P>The catch is, negotiation requires a certain clarity of mind, and I think it's questionable whether impulsive's wife is in such a state right now. Still, it may not hurt to ask. Personally, I would be inclined to ease into such a discussion by asking the question I asked earlier: what, to impulsive's wife, does "letting go" of her mean?<BR>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by impulsive:<BR><B>The stand came and the situation changed once I said I didn't have any intentions on leaving my house.</B><P>That is the correct answer. Kind but firm. <P>Even though it may seem that a lack of financial resources is keeping you together right now, I still suspect that FS is a major issue holding her heart back. If you can get to a point where she sees an uptrend to prosperity, and a divorce would plunge you guys back to struggling, her head may allow her heart back into the marriage.<P>How are you doing there? Are you still working two jobs? How did the car situation sort itself out? <P>Do you have a game plan to meeting her FS needs better? I think that is the place to focus, not on unwanted hugs, buddy.<P>Mike<P>

Was looking through the Q&A columns and came across the following. It made me think of your situation immediately. Thought I'd post it to give you renewed strength. Haven't heard from you in a while. Hope all is well.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Dear Dr. Harley,<BR>My wife of almost 30 years has filed for divorce. She is intending to move out next month, and to another state this summer. Neither of us have ever had an affair, nor have there been addictions, abuse, or financial problems. <P>She is hurt by my past decisions concerning where we lived (in Europe for a six year period when she wanted to be elsewhere), how I treated the children, financial issues and, in general, making decisions without considering her input. It caused her to feel unloved, unequal, unrespected and unadmired by me. Now almost 10 years later after Prozac and 30 therapy sessions she wants out of the marriage. <P>When I made those decisions I wasn't aware of the Policy of Joint Agreement or the effect of my decisions on her Love Bank. I thought I was doing the right thing and that she would appreciate my leadership in the family. But now I know I made terrible mistakes throughout our marriage. I've taken several marriage enrichment courses (alone since she won't go), read several self-help books, and also seen a therapist at least 8 times to see what I can do to help her and myself. She went with me once but didn't like him because he was trying to save our marriage. I'm not trying to control her, but no one she talks to seems to feel that marriages can be saved when a spouse (me) is willing to change his behavior. I am on good terms with our children and love my wife, but her spirit is shut down. <P>I still love her but I am beginning to wonder if it is time to stop trying, or is there some hope or method yet that I have not considered. What do you suggest I do? <P>C.S.<P>Dear C.S.,<BR>I suggest you keep trying to reconcile right up to the day she moves out, then up to the day you are divorced, and then continue on for about two years beyond your divorce. Your wife's Love Bank is so far in the red that she probably can't even see the bottom of the well. But each time you do something to make her feel good, and avoid doing something that annoys her, your reduce the deficit. She probably hates you right now because her Love Bank balance is so negative. But eventually, you will have deposited enough love units to break even. From then on, you will be depositing into the black, and she will like you again. With more deposits, she will eventually love you, and your marriage will be restored. <P>Your wife is suffering from deep resentment that developed over a lifetime. She does not want to forgive you for the mistakes you made during your marriage, and she certainly can't forget. Her Taker reminds her of her lost years, when she was forced to live according to your plans and your schedule. It reminds her of the times she begged you to consider her feelings, and how you ignored her pleas. She is reminded of her overwhelming feeling of loneliness, and hopelessness that made her consider suicide on numerous occasions. How could she ever forgive a man who put her through all of that. <P>It's no wonder your wife wants to make her own choices from now on, and her first choice is to leave the prison. She has probably been counting the days that your children would be on their own so she could be on her own. Every effort you are now making to keep her with you will be interpreted as the same oppressive control that she endured throughout your marriage. <P>Your wife is now in the state of emotional withdrawal, which makes it difficult for you to deposit love units into her Love Bank. She does not want you to try to meet her emotional needs because she does not believe you will ever be able to make her happy. She thinks that as soon as she drops her defenses, you will trap her, and she will be under your control again. <P>For a while, she may want to regain total control of her life so that she knows what it feels like. Once she has regained control, however, she may miss what it was you did for her. After all, none of us can meet our own emotional needs, they can only be met by someone else. That's what marriage is all about. She may be willing to re-enter her relationship with you on new terms. If you can meet her needs without it costing her control of her life, you will have made a deal that will compensate her for some of the pain she has suffered. From there her generosity toward you may carry her the rest of the way to forgiveness. <P>Interestingly enough, a sign of her trusting you may take the form of anger and resentment. If she changes from withdrawal to the state of conflictF (which is an improvement), she will tell you how angry she is, and blame you for all of her depression. Her Taker will release its storehouse of resentment. Her shaming of you, and her disrespect will be hard for you to take, but it will give you an opportunity to hear from her Taker what she wants from you. You will have an opportunity to make a deal with her to compensate her for all of the pain she has suffered. If you can get though her attack without losing too many of her love units in your love bank, you will gain valuable information, and an opportunity from your wife to implement change. <P>Read "Negotiating in the Three States of Marriage" in my Basic Concepts section of the web site for more information about how states of mind effect your negotiating strategy. You should also read Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility. If you read it now, you can start applying its principles while she is still with you, and follow through on them after she has left. Pay close attention to the chapters on the Love Busters, Disrespectful Judgments and Selfish Demands, because they will get you into a ton of trouble if you persist in them while she is still around. <P>My article, in the articles section, entitled "Why Women Leave Men" may also be helpful to you. If possible, make a copy for your wife to read and see if she agrees with me. <P>The Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse) is the ultimate equalizer in marriage. Your wife's stated reason for leaving you is that her feelings have not been taken into account whenever you have made decisions, and she feels like the caboose on a train. All her married life she felt out of control. The Policy of Joint Agreement will change all of that for both of you, and if you try to reconcile with care and consideration for her feelings, you and your wife will have years to practice using it together. <P><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Had a hard time last night. Little things like her not saying goodnight, and her coming home and just going into her room and going to sleep bothers the heck out of me. I'm starting to question my resolve a little. Is this all worth it. She seems to be in the mode where it's like well if you want to stay here you can stay but there will be minimum interaction, no affection, limited convesation, and sooner or later he will get tired of that and leave. If that's her thinking it's getting more and more effective. It's not just the lack of SF, it's also conversation, affection, admiration. I'm lonely and my spirits are about to take a down turn. I have'nt been here for a while now so I don't feel so bad. I was thinking may it's not going to turn around. Or it could be like that saying a watched pot never boils. Whatever the case I'm a little frustrated right now getting a little discouraged and hopefully someone can say something the will encourage me. Please I'm dying here.

Imps this sounds tough indeed. You gotta hang in there buddy. Did you read that letter I posted above this from Dr H. The guy in that letter was facing alot of stuff that you are facing. And what surprised me is that Dr H recommended that he keep Plan Aing even after the separation adn divorce. It is a hard thing to do I think. All I can tell you is to keep Plan Aing and don't try to look for a positive reaction from her at all. I understand that the little positives you were getting are being taken away. And that is tough. Just keep repeating to yourself that you love her and that you are doing this for that reason and even if what she is doing is hurting you right now, the best you can do is keep loving her in an open and non-threatening fashion. As you said before it is easy to love someone who is treating you well. The real test is to love someone who is giving you little encouragement. And always remember that for years your wife was in your position -loving you when you did not seem like you were loving her back. Don't let this hurt your resolve to do your best for yourself and your marriage. Stay firm and pray for guidance and strength. I am praying for you. God is with Imps. He knows what you are suffering - just think of the situation as God testing you adn pass the test <P>Thinking of you<BR>Leanna