I confiscated the card she thinks she lost it. I neveer told her that I had it I'm just making sure she doesn't do this type of behavior again. Ms. Bad Influence is my new best friend now. Everytime she sees me she hugs me and asks me questions. Very friendly now. I wonder why?

If Ms. Bad Influence is that screwed up, perhaps she's been trying to drive a wedge between you and your wife so that she could take a crack at you. <P>Or she may be looking for hound-type behavior she can report back to your wife. <P>In either case, steer clear of her. <P>You might also contact the big three credit agencies and ask what they can do to put "alerts" on your kids' files so that no cards are issued in their names. It can be done. One calls them "Hawk-alerts" ... can't remember what the others call them. <p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited August 14, 2001).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by impulsive:<BR><B>I confiscated the card she thinks she lost it. I neveer told her that I had it I'm just making sure she doesn't do this type of behavior again.</B><P>You certainly don't need a physical card to run up bills. Ask my Amazon.com account. Cancel the card ASAP, and put the evidence away in a file. Your lawyer may find it of interest in the future. Given that background you shared about your kids, do you find it curious that she choose to put the card in the name of the child for whom you are legally responsible, rather than the one she would be? <P>FYI -- a friend of mine was in a similar position with a second marriage and subsequent divorce, and even though he never adopted the child, he was found to be legally liable for child support.<P><B>Ms. Bad Influence is my new best friend now. Everytime she sees me she hugs me and asks me questions. Very friendly now. I wonder why? </B><P>Scouting for info. Don't trust her.<P>Impy, you need to confront the truth about an affair. The present limbo situation is killing your marriage and killing your love. If you want her back, fight for it, put some honesty in the relationship, expose the truth to the air. <P>

Ms. Bad Influence has been checked into to rehab by my wife. My wife have been out every night this week and I have had the kids. Took the kids to Toronto for the weekend, and when we get home from a long weekend away she meets us in the driveway runs past me and grabs the kids ooohhhh I miss you guys!!!! Didn't even say hi. I guess there is not anybdoy to blame but myself. Wife went to a wedding and reception yesterday. I found a note scibbled on a napkin. <P>My Sweet Sweet My wife's name!!!<BR>You totally drive <BR>me wild! I'm exploding<BR>inside when I look in<BR>your eyes. I truly<BR>do love you.<P>I just took the note and I'd be lying if I didn't say I am so hurt inside I can't breath. The wife is more distant then ever. I hate my life life right now. I am more lonely then I've ever been in my life. I feel trapped. I can't leave my kids. I don't want to fight over them. I can't live in this situation much longer, and it seems as though she is trying to force me out. She has no problem being involved with someone else. I mean people don't usually tell other people they love them unless it's mutual. I'm sure she is telling someone she loves them too. I'm sure she is exploding inside for someone. It certainly is not me. I can't become involved with anyone else because of my vows to God and my lack of interest in committing adultry. I know if I confront her with the napkin she will say it was a joke from her girlfriend, or her gay male friend, aand I'll just look like the pathetic little jealous husband sleeping on the couch and sneaking through her things looking for things in her purse to rip my own heart out.

Imp, I'm so sorry. I feel your pain.<P>I think you should post over on Just Found Out and GQ, where a lot of people are going through the suspicion or reality of infidelity. I also think you should plan on getting to the truth....Halrey says that affairs thrive until they reach the light of day. Maybe the napkin isn't enough. But she did try to confess at one point, so maybe now a discussion will get it out in the open. <P>Hopefully an affair in the open dies a quicker death, under the burden of shame and the reality of a relationship rather than a clandestine and exciting fling.<P>If I were you, I would gird my loins, sit down with her calmly, talk about the night out at the catering job when she returned without the bra, talk about the note on the napkin, talk about her previous confession, and just ask for the truth. <P>Correction....first I would get on some anti-deps with my doctor.<P>Anyway, you may not get the truth out of her that sit down, but I suspect it will come about once she sees you "know".<P>Read up on Halrey's article about how an affair should die. That's the step you are at now.<P>I'd like to be positive here...hey, at least the dragon is out of the cave and you know what you are fighting.<P>Mike<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by impulsive:<BR><B>I found a note scibbled on a napkin. <P>My Sweet Sweet My wife's name!!!<BR>You totally drive <BR>me wild! I'm exploding<BR>inside when I look in<BR>your eyes. I truly<BR>do love you.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Once you get the other, irrefutable evidence, you might provide your wife with this rough translation:<P>"My momentary piece of a** until something better comes along!!! Your abandonment of any sense of decency sparks a like reaction in me, to the extent I ever had any decency--I just want to rut with you! When I look in your eyes, I can only think of my own gratification and I totally miss the pain and misery our actions are storing up for you, me, your children, and your husband. I truly enjoy using you and destroying our lives and the lives of your children and husband!"<P>I'm disgusted by what you found. It's very sad, and I hope you and your wife can find your way through it. With Ms. Bad Influence in rehab, perhaps your wife will realize that it's time for her to check in as well. The booze may not be all of it, but it sure is a big part of it.<BR>

Who's in the band that played that reception?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B>Who's in the band that played that reception?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well struck.

. Imp, this really sucks... The reality of your situation was obvious for months, but the natural insticts are always to find explanations to rationalize away the "signs"... My d-day was exactly a year ago this week, so when I read your post, I remembered the gut-wrenching feeling of seeing someone else "love" your spouse. Yes, you are right, it is never one-sided, so you can be pretty sure that she has the feelings for whoever this retard is...<P>Just do yourself a favor and don't try to see HER writings to HIM, that WILL make you sick to your stomach... I had to HEAR their conversations to prove to myself that I was not insane, and I was sick for days afterwards...<P>As far as confrontation, you still have no PROOF, so you are somewhat handicapped... <shrug>. I suppose you can ask her about the note, but you'll be sure to get some lame explanation, which won't accomplish anything. If you want to be convincing, you need to at least know who the OM is, or know of a specific time/date/event when they were or will be together.<P>Aside from that, you need to refresh your thinking on what you will do once you know that your W is having an affair; continue to Plan A, go to Plan B, go to Plan D, etc... Have you thought about it?<P>I'm truly sorry for this, Imp...<P>AGG<BR>

I really don't have a game plan. I pray for her daily and I'm the best father in the world. I'm finally to a point where I don't care about my needs anymore. I speak pleasantly and I'm a provider despite it all she is still my wife. I've turned this entire situation over to God. He will either turn her around or send her from me in the mean time I'm becoming a incredibly strong person and a well rounded person mentally, physically and spiritually. I have no desire to confront her or ask her about it. I really don't care who this person is. I was lost before and it's a sad place to be so I really feel sorry for her because the long term ramifications of your actions can have a devestating impact on you. I'm proof. Please pray for my strength and for my wives salvation. I've lost a total of 45 pounds down from 285. God I feel good despite the train wreck of a marriage that I have right now. Remember people hard times do not last always.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by impulsive:<BR><B>I have no desire to confront her or ask her about it. I really don't care who this person is. I was lost before and it's a sad place to be so I really feel sorry for her because the long term ramifications of your actions can have a devestating impact on you. I'm proof. Please pray for my strength and for my wives salvation. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Impy, God helps those that help themselves. Corinthians 5:17....or wait, now I'm confused, maybe it was an episode of The Flying Nun.<P>Anyway, I do not think the path to saving your marriage right now includes paralysis on your part. <P>Reread how Harley says an affair should end:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html</A> <P>I know money is tight, but in your spot I would find the 100 clams and talk to Steve Harley. You NEED a game plan now, more than you ever have in your life. <P>Your W is in a fog, at least you know that now. It sounds perverse, but in a way that is good news. The percentage of affairs that turn long term is very small....too much guilt. Once they are exposed to the open air, they tend to whither. I think it is time for you to do that. Put your relationship on an honest footing, that is the beginning.<P>Talk to Steve. It will be the best 100 bucks you ever spent. You can't afford paralysis, you can't afford amateur advice.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mike C2:<BR><B>Talk to Steve. It will be the best 100 bucks you ever spent. You can't afford paralysis, you can't afford amateur advice.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! <P>Did I make my point? No?<P>Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Ditto!

OK I will call Harley! I really don't have the emotional energy to fight anymore. I really do feel paralysized. I want this to be over soon rather then later. Please pray for my strength.

<I>Godspeed.</I> May this be another big step on the road back. <P>BTW, with the alcohol involvement, Steve will likely say that nothing can be done on the marriage until the alcohol is under control. Since alcoholic friends tend to part company from non-alcoholic friends, Ms. Bad Influence's entry into rehab is a powerful indicator of your wife' potential problem. Your wife hasn't broken with her, has she?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR>[BBTW, with the alcohol involvement, Steve will likely say that nothing can be done on the marriage until the alcohol is under control. [/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm not sure he would say that at all, and I'd hate to make Impy hesitate in picking up the phone. I think Steve will immediately review Plan A and offer counsel as to what Impy should do regarding the affair.<BR>

He was at one time a chemical dependency counselor, so undoubtedly he will be able to look at the situation and see what's going on.<P>So hard for us to tell by posts what really goes on in a relationship. I never suspected the alcohol involvement till the last month or two (and I usually think I know the signs!). It's a funny thing but men are much less likely to think their W's are alcoholics than the reverse, but when they do, they are much more likely to divorce than women.<P>Dcope, if you think the alcohol is having an affect on your life - go visit al-anon for support! <P>I'm sure most people realize that alcoholics are much more likely to have A's than other folks. Alcohol causes a lot of poor judgement.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by married2alcoholic:<BR><B>He was at one time a chemical dependency counselor, so undoubtedly he will be able to look at the situation and see what's going on.</B><P>I think you are confusing the Harleys on that, father and son, but the point is correct, Steve certainly will recognize and be helpful <P>

My marriage is getting weirder by the day. Things have been very very good the last couple of days. It's been a very cordial even affectionate type of mood. She asked me to get her a bootle of wine yesterday. I did. We worked together in the yard. We watched t.v. together in the bed and fell asleep together in the same bed. My 4 year old got up in the middle of the night, so I went to the couch around 3 in the morning but the night was actually pleasant. Ms. Bad Influence called from rehab, and I talked to her and told her I was praying for her and she invited me and the wife to visiting day this sunday. Don't know if I should go. Today was a continuation of yesterday. She came in from working in the yard and seen me just laying in the bed watching t.v. There just happened to be a pair of her panties on the bad and she jokingly asked me if I was sniffing her panties. Next thing I know she asked for a massage. I rubbed her down for about a hour. I resisted the urge to push for SF so I took a cold shower after wards. She seemed very thankful, and very nice. It is like the first couple of weeks of plan A all over again. I<BR>m not jumping the gun or over stepping my bounds this time. Is it a surprise that things are getting better with you know who in Rehab? Is it a god time for plan A? Maybe there is not a affair, or am I in denial?

Impy, it is nice that she strung together two civil days, but I strongly urge you to stay on track to get with Steve Harley.<P>

Mike,<BR>If Jesus Christ himself couldn't save my marriage what can harley do.<BR>IT'S OVER!!! aLL THE PRAYING AND FASTING AND TALKING AND CRYING IN THE WORLD CAN NOT CHANGE MY WIFE'S MIND. She has her mind made up so it's a done deal. She came home from work and I was in the bed. She asked me to rub her legs because they were hurting. I rubbed her legs for almost a hour and I said can I just hold you close no sex, just let me hold and press up against you. She immediately said no, and she'll sleep on the couch and she is sorry for accepting the leg rubs both times today. I told he not to feel that way that I did it not to get anything in return but to make her feel better. She said it felt better but she feels guilty because I have needs that she has no interest in meeting. I said that's ok I'll get over it just don't feel obligated or guilty. She went to sleep on the couch, I volunteered to leave and did. I felt so alone on the couch, I wanted to die! I went into her room and broke down. It was like a emotional dam broke and couldn't help myself. Through prayer and fasting and faith I thought I was on the right track, but I'm in a can't win situation!!! I feel suicidal. I just don't have the guts to do it! I feel like I've wasted 6 and a half months of my life for nothing. I'm angry at God. Why would he turn me around show me how screwed up I was and bring me through all this to still have me lose my wife and kids. It's like some type of cruel joke! I hate myself right now! I just want to die. She got up and said see this is why we can't live together. Either you leave or I leave. She talked about my changes. One day I'm calm and loving the next I'm distant. She said I didn't talk to her all weekend. I told her about the napkin letter, and she started laughing hysterically. Her Gay busboy at work wrote it she says. He wrote the same one to all the waitressess and put them in their purses. Whatever the bottom line is Harley can't help! God won't help and I'm emotionally spent. I can't think or cry or fight one more day. All she wants is to be friends. All I want to do is die!! I hate life. All this to still lose my wife and kids. IF I can get up the nerve, I'd die tonight!