Jon-
I am new to your story, but not to your words of pain. I will be praying for you tonight.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{JON}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<p>Just wanted to let you know, I read this and I am so sorry.

I am so very sorry for your pain. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>We've ALL been there at one time or another, and it hurts s000000000 bad!<p>Just know you're being heard tonight.

DAMN this LOGIN problem! I had the post ALL finished, and now it's GONE! Arghhh!<p>So, in essence:<p>I'm going into a weird area of the divorce process I like to call no-wife's land of marriage. We've split the assets, I moved out, she served me the papers, and I'm going to default out and not contest. (no kids/house) I let her know when her mother served me the papers that I disagreed w/ this! That I wanted therapy/counseling and time before such a drastic decision. She didn't agree. So we've pretty much separated and no real reason for her to be around me unless she wants to. I hope she calls, but won't be waiting by the phone until then! <p>One thing you guys might be able to help: I thought there could be several things I could do in the next 6 months to let her know that I care and love her, but also not beg and plead. Just to let her know I'm still here and just a nice guy without hostility. <p>One idea I had was to maybe drop her a letter every few weeks and just summarize what Max (our dog) and I have been up to. Nothing deep or too muchy, just info on things that we do. <p>any thoughts on that idea or any other suggestions? I just don't know what she will do. I know she will be busy for several weeks as her new job will take up alot of brain work. But when things settle down, it would be nice to let her know I care. <p>thanx for the support.<p>a sad but recovering,<p>Jon<p>also thought of sending her this article: HERE<p>maybe a bit much, but that pretty much summed up my last month.<p>[ April 01, 2002: Message edited by: JON ]<p>[ April 01, 2002: Message edited by: JON ]</p>

bump, sorry [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by JON:
<strong>We've split the assets, I moved out, she served me the papers, and I'm going to default out and not contest. (no kids/house) I let her know when her mother served me the papers that I disagreed w/ this.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I am not familiar with the divorce process. Did you sign something that said you woud not contest the divorce? Is that not an option for YOU to decide? Froma legal persepective, what happens next?

HH,<p>in CA you can have a default judgement. basically she serves me. I have the right to counter-sue (file my own petition). I also have the right to do nothing. she then goes back to courthouse and signs a notice of default judgement assuming I won't do anything. then 6 month wait and it's over. unfortunately so simple! <p>Jon

I read the 'walkaway wife' article. Did you send it? What did she think?

thats the question i kind of was wondering about: would it be too pushy to send it to her? I haven't and dont know if I will. Hard to know where she is at right now...how close she is on the teater-totter. I'm just in the dark over here, and guessing I'll just have to work on me alone.<p>Jon

Jon,<p>May those who give up so easily please receive the wisdom that I'm praying they receive. Give me some of it as well, amen.<p>Hang in there. I would like to say that you have dealt with this admirably, and I would like to praise you for not giving up so easily. The best way to convey how I feel is that I wish my H had your committment and patience. <p>It hurts sometimes and it is hard to deal with. Take baby steps through it all, and trust in God and yourself. Take comfort in that you are doing all you can do, and you are not the one that gave up. It's a small comfort, but sometimes it's a bunch of small comforts that make the difference.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by JON:
<strong>thats the question i kind of was wondering about: would it be too pushy to send it to her? Jon</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Pushy? Somehow I have trouble imagening you being pushy. Darn good think your not a salesman Jon. <p>I suggest you give it to her ASAP. <p>How long do you have to contest the divorce? Are you happy with the terms?

HH, i've got 6 months to contest the divorce. i have what i need. it may be tough, but i'm not gonna be going for alimony or anything like that. as far as being satisfied? well, i would be satisfied if she would call me up and put some water on this fire [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] slow down, nelly! put a jerk on those reigns, baby! geeze, get out of the fast lane with this one! but I don't know.<p>It's interesting HH though that i've gotten so much different advice. Some say NO, don't give her anything right now, as that might push her further away and more resentful. Others say YES, it could open her mind. Unfortunately none of us know what or how she will react if I did. Her mother told me that she is NOT ready to talk. Maybe I should take that advise, as it seems to be the closest liason to her.<p>I don't know right now. If she's not open to communication and thinks I'm trying to CHANGE her mind, I just don't know. . . <p>well, thanx for the replies,<p>Jon

i emailed her this afternoon. just told her Max and I had a great weekend out at the dunes. then wrote if she had 15 seconds, to click to the article link. she responded "nice article, glad you and max had a great weekend". then get this, she told me that 'our' car just got finished at the shop (A/C went out) and asked if 'we' could take it up to MY friends used-car lot so that 'we' could get it sold. if you don't know the saga of the car, there was a disagreement about it. she had insisted that I not drive it because loan was in her name. i had asked to drive it (i commute for a living) until it sold then take the equity and buy another. she refused, and I agreed to take several thousand $$, buy another car, and just give that car to her to sell. so now she wants 'US' to sell 'our' car. hmmm, i really don't want to bend over any more, as my hands are already wrapped around my toes.<p>so how much of a friend should I be?<p>Jon<p>[ April 02, 2002: Message edited by: JON ]<p>[ April 02, 2002: Message edited by: JON ]</p>

Well, thought I would bump this up the walls of pain here [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] It's been just over a month since my last post. I guess I'm just human, and we get worn out sometimes. Nothing too much to report now that I have gone dark w/ no communication. Just moving on w/ my life and still praying that this ends up w/ the best outcome, whatever it may be.<p>I met w/ her once a few weeks ago at a coffee shop to iron out some remaining tax issues and bills. Sat down and showed her a phone bill that I received from when she was training in chicago. I told her we could split it, and she proceeded to explain that she was away during that period and did not use 'our' phone, so she wouldn't pay it. Inside my mind i shook my head and realized what kind of meeting this would be. We had and extra $500 in taxes due as well, and I told her that since I would not be seeking spousal support, if we could split the remaining taxes according to our income. She did not like that idea at all! I realize that legally it is community property, but so is income to a certain extent. And since I was not going for her paycheck, it seemed only fair. (sorry, still trying to convince myself that I am a fair man) Well, we were communicating at totally diff. levels, and I finally had to take a time-out and go out to the car. Well, to shorten the story, I asked her if we could talk in her car, she agreed. I asked the 'why' question and braced myself. She began to tell me that our relationship had been all about me for the past 3 years. That she didn't like the person she was, and believed we were just incompatible people at the core. We spoke for a while, and I can't even remember all that I said. I just tried to be very honest w/ her about my feelings and hopes. One quote that will stick w/ me for the rest of my life: "Jon, I'm DONE trying, I'm just DONE!" Man, I wanted to lash out and ask her 'who the F#$@ she thought she was?' If she thought I had ESP and could read the unhappiness in our relationship out of thin air? A very frustrating point. Well, we ended the evening w/ me going back to her place and getting my TV that she insisted I take. It was cordial, and I offered a hug before I left. She half-heartedly accepted it, and I was off.<p>That was the last time I saw her physically. A few emails lately about bills and such. One particularly interesting one I sent w/ a paragraph at the bottom just being real and telling her that I was doing fine, but that I did wish this could all just go away w/ a snap of the finger and just hold her again. I got a reply back saying "glad you're doing well, have a good weekend". <p>so that's where it's at. and to add, she is holding $2000 in 401k and rental deposit because she hasn't been able to sell the car I drove (loan in her name). She had insisted on me not driving her liability and instead wrote me a check for $3000 to go and buy another one. The car has roughly $4000 in equity at least, but she hasn't been able to sell it and thinks it will not sell for what “I” had thought. So now she says I can include the 401k $$ in the check she already wrote. I don't really know how to respond. I guess she really has a tough time w/ commitment to promises when things don't go exactly the way she plans them to, ironically.<p>So the tears have dried up. I can't seem to cry anymore. Life is moving on. I got another job (big opportunity) and have doubled my workload overnight. Is a good thing right now to keep busy. It's really confusing as to what to do now though. It seems that I'm just playing the waiting game, and that any communication w/ wife is taken WAY out of context and turned around into negative feelings by her. <p>Do I really want her back? Honestly, I couldnt answer that. I am SO disappointed in her ability to write our marriage off so quickly! Is love really so conditional? I have to hand it too her, if she wanted me to get over her in the quickest way possible, she's done a fabulous job!<p>Human emotion, man it's interesting! I struggle w/ the idea of forgiving your spouse and moving on. Can I forgive her? I don't know. I don't know that it's a one-way street. Can it be done w/out apology? I know the wayward spouses are in a “Fog” and not thinking clearly now. But to stretch it a bit, when someone robs another, or even rapes another, aren’t they in a “fog” as well? Do we forgive them so easily. I know it’s a stretch, but seriously. I understand if marriages include physical, substance, or mental abuse, or other extraneous circumstances. But when someone leaves on a whim after keeping their feelings pent up inside all the while? All I can remember is how my wife would remind me how glad she was to be married to me. How ‘low-maintenance’ of a woman she was and how lucky I was for that fact. How she could hardly wait to have children w/ me, and grow old and saggy together. How much better our sex-life was becoming. Does that sound like “Jon, our marriage is in DEEP jeopardy, we need counseling now!” ? W/out giving change or love an opportunity? I really feel robbed of almost 4 years of my life. Like a ‘leased’ rather than a ‘bought’ [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] It really is silly. So can I forgive that? I KNOW I don’t respect that!<p>Well, sorry to ramble on. I really enjoy just putting feelings down on paper. I have compiled a Bulletin Board file that I’ve saved all these threads on. It is already, but will be even more interesting a year down the road.<p>Ciao,<p>Jon

I found another post w/ that great article on forgiveness. thanx to whomever posted it. was very interesting and answered some of my questions of internal struggles I have been experiencing.<p>I'm still trying to decide whether to just write off any more contact w/ my wife regarding finances. Per an agreement we made she owes me roughly $1800 which would pay off my credit card and help quite a bit. But I could survive without it.<p>whew, long day at the office. i got another job ontop of full-time school and my previous computer-service gig. today was a damn stressful day, w/ a sore throat to boot. Man, what really makes me sad is that i don't have anyone to just hug. I could use one right now [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Oh well, life could be alot worse! A LOT! I think i'll go say my prayers,<p>Jon

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{JON}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<p>Hey, I know its not the real thing, but its the best I could do [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] !!!

Jon,<p>You mentioned you spoke with her mother about your W. Remember blood is thicker than water, and so she is likely to be telling you whatever she thinks will help your W, not you. So I suppose what I'm saying is you can't trust your MIL to tell you the truth.<p>Best

thanx kam, smiling and feeling a bit better. but now i've got to go study, so that will quickly erase [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>jon

well, there went another month. time just flies when you're having fun! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] nothing has happened between us. I got a new job w/ a finance/realestate company, and that with school is keeping me plenty busy!! 1 more week till quarter is over, and then I will be able to breath. <p>last saturday i went to a childhood friends wedding. i've know both of them for years, and the emotion came pouring back into my life after having all but disappeared for several weeks. i REALLY listened to what the pastor had to say, and his definition of what marriage is all about. i just sat there and could only think of how true his words were. that was tough to hear, tough to realize how quick my 'first' one was. never could imagine of joining these ranks, but here i am!<p>well, life's been so busy. haven't been able to be around here too often. i hope all of you are doing well, and that we come out on the other side a lot stronger and wiser. <p>ciao,<p>Jon

Jon, thanks for the update... I know it is hard as I am going through and ugly divorce right now.. I have children and the fact that my W thinks I, yes I, should just walk away from them, be a weekend dad and such... I told her... Just because you are unhappy I am the one to be punished... I do not think so. She finally agreed to go to mediation but not in the sense I would want to see. It will be a battle of lawyers and i still think we will end up in court... <p>You are handling this well under the circumstances.<p>Prayers