I've been married for just 2 years and my husband isn't crazy about me. We're both under 32 ....what is wrong with him?? In the beginning he was all over me. He used to follow me everywhere just to kiss me or hug me or whatever. Now he just comes home from work...watches tv....talks to me for maybe 15 minutes...and goes to sleep! Does he not find me attractive anymore? We have sex maybe once a month and sometimes a month and a half will go by. I've complained lots and lots of times. It's not the sex.....it's that he makes me feel unattractive! My friends don't have this problem.

I should also mention that I'm not the type to come on to a guy even if it's my husband. I expect him to want me so I just watch tv with him expecting him to make a move but he just falls asleep!

I'm considering leaving him and trust me if I had the chance I would cheat on him.....no doubt! (he would have to be someone I really really liked)I don't feel attractive anymore. He doesn't take me out unless I suggest it. I just feel so helpless.

Does anyone have any advise? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I should also mention that I'm not the type to come on to a guy even if it's my husband. I expect him to want me so I just watch tv with him expecting him to make a move but he just falls asleep!

****************************
i have read and experienced that guys really do like a woman to iniate.

that could be part of his problem.
if you wnat more sex (and i know his idifference feels lik erejection to you) but, the first thing i would suggest is telling him you are interested in having more sex w/ him.....and then go into the details about how his attitude make syou feel rejected and undesirable.

GG,

If you feel rejected because your H never initiates, how do you think he feels? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

edited to say: He must initiate once a month right?

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 06:07 AM: Message edited by: liontolamb ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GreekGirl:
<strong> I've been married for just 2 years and my husband isn't crazy about me. We're both under 32 ....what is wrong with him?? In the beginning he was all over me. He used to follow me everywhere just to kiss me or hug me or whatever. Now he just comes home from work...watches tv....talks to me for maybe 15 minutes...and goes to sleep! Does he not find me attractive anymore? We have sex maybe once a month and sometimes a month and a half will go by. I've complained lots and lots of times. It's not the sex.....it's that he makes me feel unattractive! My friends don't have this problem.

I should also mention that I'm not the type to come on to a guy even if it's my husband. I expect him to want me so I just watch tv with him expecting him to make a move but he just falls asleep!

I'm considering leaving him and trust me if I had the chance I would cheat on him.....no doubt! (he would have to be someone I really really liked)I don't feel attractive anymore. He doesn't take me out unless I suggest it. I just feel so helpless.

Does anyone have any advise? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good Morning Greek;
I can relate to what you are going thru with yr hubby. I dont know if I can give you a solution, as my problem is still going on and a bit differant , but similar.
Has anything changed in your lives? Does he work longer hours than he used to? Sex can decline a bit after the initial honeymoon is over, but if you were having it regularly and then now its down to once a month, there is clearly something happening.

1st I would sugggest you NOT complain, maybe talk to him about how YOU feel. Explain that you love him and YOU miss the closeness. Wait and see what he says. Be sweet, calm, and try holding his hand or rubbing his neck as you talk to him about your feelings.

I wish you luck and keep us posted!

Luly

I have discussed this with him several times. I've told him that he makes me feel unattractive. I even asked him if he thinks there is something wrong with me. (Trust me there isn't...just for the record....I definately don't have a problem)

He initiates after I complain but then it is too late for me. I feel he is doing it because I complained and then it isn't the same. I want him to want me the way he wanted me when we first met (IF he even wanted me then <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) I don't like to complain so I just don't say anything until alot of time has gone by but then it just gets worse because it builds up inside. It gets better for maybe a week and then it goes back to the same problem. I've told him how I feel several times. He just denies not wanting me and that a month has not gone by but I know!He just doen't pursue me the way a husband should.

LiontoLamb......I agree with you about initiating but it doen't make me feel comfortable when I think my husband doesn't want me. If he wanted me more often then I would feel comfortable enough to do the same. After all he is a guy. It's a horrible feeling when someone doesn't want it and does it just to not make the other feel bad. That's why I don't initiate.

Luly I've tried all of that. This has been going on for about a year and a half.He doen't work long hours although he does have our future on his mind but so do I. Sex should bring people closer together and make you feel more secure. He should want me even more if he's stressed. I wish you luck too.

I'm so confused.....I just have the need to go out to dinner with a guy that will shower me with compliments.

Greek girl,

I want to talk to you about the biochemistry of love. All relationships move through three stages of love: lust, attraction and attachment. NO ONE remains in the "attraction" (all over you/infatuation) phase of love indefinitely....we aren't "made" that way. That doesn't mean that you can't have passion...in fact the attachment phase has deep meaningful sex that is often quite frequent....but this is a mature, lasting, bottomless love that requires effort...rather than the "effortlessness" you felt during attraction.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/hottopics/love/

This statement of yours bothers me greatly:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm considering leaving him and trust me if I had the chance I would cheat on him.....no doubt! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can keep looking for infatuation...but be warned that it doesn't last with anyone, and you'll have to change partners every 18 to 24 months to keep that "high"...OR you can work on having a satisfying relationship with your husband which might require moving out of your comfort zone about initiation and learn how to seduce your husband. If you're as good looking as you say....that shouldn't be too hard for you...right?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GreekGirl:
<strong>After all he is a guy.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Excuse me, but...

Bullsh*t! How much younger than 32 years old are you? Not every guy is the stereotypical horndog, and I think you need to start learning more about your H's feelings instead of expecting him to act a certain way.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GreekGirl:
<strong>Sex should bring people closer together and make you feel more secure. He should want me even more if he's stressed.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He could say the same thing, yet you do nothing to initiate. Then you talk about cheating on him, like you're some queen who is entitled to everything while making no effort in return (regarding sex).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GreekGirl:
<strong>I'm so confused.....I just have the need to go out to dinner with a guy that will shower me with compliments. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sure that after two years of your behavior, your husband feels the same way (toward women).

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 08:21 AM: Message edited by: DevotedHusb ]</small>

Okay, now that I've gotten that off my chest, I want to say something without so much venom attached.

Greekgirl, please consider initiating. It tears a man up inside when he doesn't feel desired, just as it tears you up inside. You said he was once all over you, and I can see where he might be saying to himself, "I give up." It really hurts when the desire you have for someone isn't shown in return.

Your comment about cheating really disturbs me, and I hope you will reconsider that assertion. At the very least, try initiating for a few months before cheating. You may find that all the sexual problems will go away.

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 08:27 AM: Message edited by: DevotedHusb ]</small>

DevotedHusb.........thanks for all your advise and comments. I appreciate your honesty. I can see how you view all of my comments but I'm really not that bad.

First off I am 32....I just don't like to tell people how old I am <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I have NO problem initiating....I just don't want to initiate something I think he might NOT WANT(judging from the fact that he doen't want me often). How do you think I would feel....unnatractive and unwanted...so much so that I have to MAKE my husband want me. I'm sorry, I'm not a Queen but please! I would never stoop to that level. Do you suggest I beg him too. I am an attractive woman and again I would have no problem initiating...I just want him to start being more attentive.

Star*fish.....We are still young and are married only 2 years. We should still be in the honeymoon/attraction stage! But I know what you are saying. I have accused him many times of being bored because NOW he has me...lol.

Anyway......I am willing to start initiating and I think you guys are right. I should swallow my pride just for the sake of trying something different. It's just so frustrating. I fix myself up..hair,nails,makeup,clothes...etc. Do you think he notices? I do alot....make him dinner...take care of him. That's why I suggested cheating on him. This is making me very depressed. I'm feeling so bad about myself that I just don't know what to do anymore. I recently went back to college and that is going downhill as well. As you can see...this is serious. I don't want to cheat on my husband...I love him. But I can't let this go on. I want to feel good about myself again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GreekGirl:
<strong> DevotedHusb.........thanks for all your advise and comments. I appreciate your honesty. I can see how you view all of my comments but I'm really not that bad.

First off I am 32....I just don't like to tell people how old I am <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I have NO problem initiating....I just don't want to initiate something I think he might NOT WANT(judging from the fact that he doen't want me often). How do you think I would feel....unnatractive and unwanted...so much so that I have to MAKE my husband want me. I'm sorry, I'm not a Queen but please! I would never stoop to that level. Do you suggest I beg him too. I am an attractive woman and again I would have no problem initiating...I just want him to start being more attentive.

Star*fish.....We are still young and are married only 2 years. We should still be in the honeymoon/attraction stage! But I know what you are saying. I have accused him many times of being bored because NOW he has me...lol.

Anyway......I am willing to start initiating and I think you guys are right. I should swallow my pride just for the sake of trying something different. It's just so frustrating. I fix myself up..hair,nails,makeup,clothes...etc. Do you think he notices? I do alot....make him dinner...take care of him. That's why I suggested cheating on him. This is making me very depressed. I'm feeling so bad about myself that I just don't know what to do anymore. I recently went back to college and that is going downhill as well. As you can see...this is serious. I don't want to cheat on my husband...I love him. But I can't let this go on. I want to feel good about myself again. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like you do alot.

Are they the things he wants?

I'm sure it's frustrating to put in a lot of effort into the wrong things.

So what do you know? What you want.

Do you know what he wants, and I mean really know, not just think you know what he is thinking and feeling.

TB

That's a great point TB. I want to look into that. It's not that I don't try. I have asked him many many times what he wants but he is very vague. I asked him if I'm doing something wrong and he says no.

He just denys not wanting me and tells me that I push him away when he initiates.

Here's how it goes:
He comes back from work...takes a shower....we watch tv in bed...I sit there waiting for him to do something...he falls asleep....I get mad and we fight...he then initiates. Oh great....what am I supposed to say...thank you....I feel much better now?? LOL

I have to find more ways to see what he wants. I just don't know what else to do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GreekGirl:
<strong> That's a great point TB. I want to look into that. It's not that I don't try. I have asked him many many times what he wants but he is very vague. I asked him if I'm doing something wrong and he says no.

He just denys not wanting me and tells me that I push him away when he initiates.

Here's how it goes:
He comes back from work...takes a shower....we watch tv in bed...I sit there waiting for him to do something...he falls asleep....I get mad and we fight...he then initiates. Oh great....what am I supposed to say...thank you....I feel much better now?? LOL

I have to find more ways to see what he wants. I just don't know what else to do. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's good information, from his view of the world YOU DO push him away.

Sure, you are upset, but if this is your pattern, then you are training him that if he initiates, you will reject him.

Why would he initiate?

Since you can only control you, if you want sex, then initiate it.

If you don't want sex, or like things the way they are, then keep doing what you are doing.

You choose.

TB
Not the most sensitive guy, but great with logic, LOL

p.s. If he wont tell you, then try things and ask for feedback. Did you like that, love that, or never want to experience that again after you try something.

I'm pretty sure if you rock his world, he'll let you know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 12:35 PM: Message edited by: javaSansContour ]</small>

Okay....I'm going to change <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
That's it....I'm initiating!

But doesn't initiating make a guy think you're easy?? I don't know....excuse me if I offended anyone....its just that I'm a little old fashioned.

I don't want him to be turned off. Guys like the chase....no?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GreekGirl:
<strong>I have NO problem initiating....I just don't want to initiate something I think he might NOT WANT(judging from the fact that he doen't want me often). How do you think I would feel....unnatractive and unwanted...so much so that I have to MAKE my husband want me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm glad you took my post well. I apologize for sounding so harsh. Yes, I do know how it feels to be reluctant about initiating. I was in a relationship where I started to give up any initiating because I was usually rejected. That feeling of rejection can stab you right in the heart.

I get the feeling you actually do some subtle things to initiate sex, maybe a longer-term approach (ie - dressing up, taking care of him, discussions). Perhaps he needs a more direct approach. I remember reading a thread on this forum where a man said something to the effect that what he really wants is to come home every once in a while to a wife who just wants to jump him...no hello, no candlelight dinner...just reach out and grab him (actually I think the suggestion was a little more graphic than that, but you understand maybe).

Don't beg him for sex. Excite him about sex. Be the aggressor and push your limits when initiating.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GreekGirl:
<strong>I fix myself up..hair,nails,makeup,clothes...etc. Do you think he notices? I do alot....make him dinner...take care of him.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, maybe you're approach is ineffective. Can I ask you a question? Early in your relationship was he always the one to initiate (not the long-term approach, but the right-now kind)? How often do/did you say no? I wonder if he's simply felt rejected too.

If he's genuinely lost interest then you probably have an uphill battle. Another poster on this forum can help you in that case (Baba2).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GreekGirl:
<strong>Here's how it goes:
He comes back from work...takes a shower....we watch tv in bed...I sit there waiting for him to do something...he falls asleep....I get mad and we fight...he then initiates.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have a suggestion. The next time he jumps in the shower, wait a few minutes and then take off your clothes and join him. Anticipate just showering naked together, and if it leads to more then great.

Hi GreekGirl,

You're Married! You don't need to worry about appearing "easy"!

You can jump with glee on your H whenever the two of you feel like playing, because you belong to each other! So have fun!

jo

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GreekGirl:
<strong> Okay....I'm going to change <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
That's it....I'm initiating!

But doesn't initiating make a guy think you're easy?? I don't know....excuse me if I offended anyone....its just that I'm a little old fashioned.

I don't want him to be turned off. Guys like the chase....no? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ask him! I personally want to feel wanted from time to time.

I'm sure you can put some "chase" into it if you wanted. Make it a scavenger hunt, so when he catches you, he gets a prize <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GreekGirl:
<strong>But doesn't initiating make a guy think you're easy??</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There's a saying I like: Men want a wife who is a lady in public and a slut in the bedroom. Most guys would love to have a wife who is "easy" (with them...not anyone else). Given the circumstances, I'd risk a bad impression.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GreekGirl:
<strong>I don't want him to be turned off. Guys like the chase....no? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is true too. You don't have to always initiate, but for a while you don't want to reject him. If you truly don't want to be intimate then give him a raincheck (be specific, like "how 'bout tomorrow morning" or "when we get home"...then follow through). Guys do like the chase, but usually they like a little teasing too. Teasing is exciting and makes a person want more. Go up to him wearing your skimpest underwear with a coy smile on your face. Ask him if he likes your underwear and see what happens.

Thanks DevotedHub...
Everyone made such intersesting points.
To answer you're question....When we first met and in the first few months he used to follow me around the house. He was soo cute. He was more aggresive with the sex. Very direct. Now it's just BLAHH. I never had to initiate. And you're right...I use the long term approach. I either have to initiate or put a big sign on my forehead that says HINT HINT....lol.

The shower thing I can't do. We live in a big 2 family house and share bathrooms with my parents <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Jojo....that's how I see it too...it's just that I don't want him to think he HAS me......it's good to play hard to get sometimes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GreekGirl:
<strong> ...it's just that I don't want him to think he HAS me......it's good to play hard to get sometimes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You married him, you GAVE yourself to him.

Honey, he does have according to your most traditional vows, and you have him.

So enjoy being had!

TB