While you are apart, continue reading everthing you can on this site. Practice Plan A and don't Love bust.
Read others stories - you can get good ideas on how to improve yourself, and get strength. <p>Review material weekly to help remember how to act. WRITE DOWN A PLAN of what you are going to do to win her back. Work on it DAILY. If you can afford it, get phone counseling with the Harleys. They can help you set up your plan. <p>We pray for your success. Don't give up.

SC1,
Good advice from Still Seeking. Read, read, and learn! Don't worry about winning her back just yet. Focus on bettering yourself!
I have noticed the same thing as yourself. It is great in some ways to have her gone. Even though I have been been the one solely resonsible for the kids over the past three weeks, it actually has been a bit refreshing. My apartment is spotless, and I've fixed everything that has needed fixing. Use this time to get some stuff done. Also, it can never hurt to show her that you are confident about yourself more. If you have the money, buy some new clothes, etc. Make her curious about you again; just like as if you were both in the early stages of dating again.
A word of caution though. If you think she'll get angry over your spending too much money, then don't do it, or at least buy stuff on sale!<p>Good luck!<p>Sweden

By separating are we doing a plan A or plan B? Since we do have limited phone contact only what is this considered? I was thinking right along that I was doing plan B but now I guess that I may still be on plan A because we have not completely avoided contact with one another. Let me know what you think and could phone counseling really help right now?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> By separating are we doing a plan A or plan B? <hr></blockquote><p>Plan A can be (and often is ) done while the parties are separated. During every contact you are polite, you avoid LB's you express love, and meet needs for affection, still give financial support etc. ( Search the site, others have written much about it) <p>You usually go to plan B when you have done plan A as long as you can stand it. <p>Plan B you avoid all but necessary communication. Such as for exchanging children. You separate on purpose even if the spouse wants to live with you. Again, others have written much about it, search the site. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Let me know what you think and could phone counseling really help right now? <hr></blockquote><p>The Harleys can help you set up a good plan with just a few counseling sessions and can help monitor your plan to make sure it's working, and help you know when to change to plan B.
If you have read the forums much, you can see it is well worth it. <p>Again, read as much as you can, reading on the forums can help you see: <p>1. You are not alone, many others have been where you are now. <p>2. How to handle your problem - ideas on what to do. <p>3. Not to give up even on down days. <p>4. You can give support to others when you start into recovery! <p>Here is a good place to start reading: <p>Wats Guide<p>Have faith, you can do better than you might think. We are praying for you. <p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Still Seeking
Thanks for the response. The link that you had in your reply did not work. Can you fix it and send it again? I will contact the Harleys for counseling this week. Thanks again.

Try this -
WAT"S Guide<p>I am still learning about links - <p>Hope this is a good day for you.

Had my first counseling session with Steve yesterday. It would seem that I need to stop all the LB's that we have been doing when we are together. I need to keep doing good things and chip away at her defense mechanism. If she sees me in a different way then she can't predict the future and it slows down the divorce process thoughts. Steve feels that since no one knew of her dissatisfaction with me that she is just recreating what she felt for me years ago based on how she feels today. She has forgotten what it was to be in love with me. She really is not pursuing divorce and if she was there would be lawyers pounding on my doors. She is definitely in a fog and I just need to be on the sideline supporting her, listening and being her best friend. I will keep everyone posted.

starcastle1:<p>You know everyone always says the WS ALWAYS says
"I don't love you, I never did" well, it still suprises me how the BS can say "I didn't KNOW we had problems, I thought we had the 'perfect' marriage" <p>You said for the past 'SIX' months she's been telling you this..so why is it a shock to you that
she wants you to move out?? You Heard her say these other things..so what did she say to you that you ignored??<p>You apparently ignored the times she said she was NOT HAPPY, WE HAVE PROBLEMS!! If something is NOT CORRECTED HERE it's over!! <p>She says that she wants to miss me and the only way to do that would be if i wasn't around. All the years that we have been married we never spent more than 2 days apart. Should i be moving out or not? She is at the stage where if she does miss me then she will want to go to counseling but otherwise she sees no need.<p>TR- Do you have friends you do things with? Does she have friends she does things with even occassionally? example: do you have guy friends that you go out with once a month? does she have female friends she does things with at least once a month? <p>What have been her biggest complaints? what have been yours? Look back to arguements what were the underlying issues in the arguements/discussions?<p>Not just the past six months either..think back past those..what things has she mentioned were wrong that 'you' ignored..and by ignored I mean didn't make changes to correct..or do anything about?? Start there..and see what list you can come up with..<p>Because another thing a WS will say is "I TOLD YOU what the problems were and I'm NOT going to go through them again" or "YOU FIGURE IT OUT"
and the BS always like "when did you tell me??"
"I don't remember YOU telling me!"<p>So if you think back to times she's told you things, you may have been so engrossed in a tv show, or doing something else..as she sat there talking to you..and you completely blocked out what she said..all the while your saying.."uh huh" "yes, dear" "okay" "I'll do that next week"
and then when things get to this point your confused as to why things are so bad..it's because you've been ignoring what's been said..you've ignored her needs as if they weren't important..
and it's very possible it started when you got married 11 years ago..

After 2 months of being separated I was asked to move back home. The separation really did not work at all and as a matter of fact things just got worse and worse. My wife actually went to a lawyer and got all the paperwork going for a divorce after a fight that she felt threatened by me. I could not believe that she would think that I would ever hurt her but here it was and she did just that. She ended up handing me an ultimatum which was we move to Connecticut where she would be willing to try to work on the marriage or she would file for divorce in Massachusetts. I told her to go ahead and file and she was upset at me thinking that I would have easily agreed to move. After about a week and she hadn't filed yet we were discussing everything and she mentioned that I would end up agreeing to move so why not just agree to it now. So I did agree against everyones advice including my counselor Steve. I felt that I needed to do something drastic to show her how strongly I felt towards saving our marriage. I was then asked to move back home and we have been together since. Don't get me wrong here but we are not happy at all yet. We are not arguing at all and for the most part there are no Love Busters at all. We do things as a family all the time and even moving to Connecticut is beginning to die out. Let me explain that she is from Connecticut and the move would have brought her closer to her family so just in case the marriage didn't work out she would have her family around for comfort. We are both counseling with Steve on this web site and let me tell you that he makes a difference. He is able to give her hope to save the marriage where no one else could. He answers her questions with the answers that she needs to hear. I could never do that and I haven't tried to do anything like that in a long time. For the longest time I was telling her how to fix the problem without really knowing what the problem was. Steve is able to do this easily. This is why we leave it to the experts. I feel things are improving but like I said, nowhere near where we need to be. You just need to be focused on what your objective is; my marriage. I have felt my confidence increasing but I was always 100% sure that we would not be divorced. I have no idea why I felt like that but I did and still do. We may divorce but even if we do we will know that we tried everything we could and be friends afterwards. I will keep everyone updated as needed.