<small>[ December 31, 2004, 04:16 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]</small>

Do you think that he associates you too much with work rather than fun since you work together?

He might not be receptive to your ATTENTION right now.

How about SF? I'm hoping that you two are still sleeping in the same bed each night. That is where I could focus during MY PLAN A. OW does not have this opportunity for SF as well as AFFECTION. Also you provide DOMESTIC TRANQUILITY so focus on making your home comfortable and cozy.
What about PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS? Are you working out, keeping yourself looking beautiful? This will help you PERSONALLY to feel better. How about joining a HEALTH CLUB? He will notice you focusing on yourself and will begin to wonder what is going on.

I have been following your story but haven't posted until now. I am posting to give you an additional point of view to mull over.

I'd like to start by saying that I am a firm believer in most of the MB priniciples and philosophies but there are some things about Plan A that I do not believe work for everyone and that I did not feel comfortable with.

The main things that I disagree with are allowing the A to die it's natural death, not confronting the OP and not sticking up for yourself. I for one didn't follow that route.

I hastened the A's death in many ways..I disclosed A to everyone in one fell swope. I called OW's H as soon as I found out, we confronted our spouses together, we both gave them the night to chose, he called his parents and hers and I did the same on our end. I then put my H on the phone with all of them and they all told him that they loved him but this wasn't the kind of man he was. They told him they trusted him to do the right thing. This had a tremendous effect on him, that and watching the fear and dissappoint on his children's faces.

I also demanded immediate NC at least while we worked on our marriage...yes I say demanded...continued contact would have killed my already severely damaged spirit. Not only would it have killed my spirit but it would have have made forgiving him and respecting him again impossible (it's one thing to sneak around my back and pretend that what I don't know won't hurt me but an entirely different thing to rub my nose in it).

I learned all I could about fog and just fought it doggedly with logic..even though a fog bound brain isn't conducive to logic...with enough patience and repitition they do start to get it. I also directed him to this website and our wonderful old timer's helped him out.

I also did not hide my feelings and pain from my H...neither did my children...this is one of the single most things that I think brought him out of the fog so quickly. During the affair he survived the guilt by leading a segregated life..once it was out in the open he couldn't lie to himself as easily when faced with our pain and despair.


Now I did do my own version of Plan A...I accepted full responsibilty for my own actions and issues that lead to the pre-A state of our Marriage. I acknowledged all my faults and issues and I committed to overcoming my issues (I had a lot of childhood baggage). I immediately made personal changes and agreed to IC. Even though nothing I did justified his A I acknowledged his feelings that lead to him being ripe for OW's play for him.

You know your H and self better then anyone else. You need to decide for yourself what actions you should take...I just wanted to give you another side to look at.

The OW in our case was our next door neighbor and close friend so I can relate to your story with OW being entrenched in your lives.

We were in same social circle, we knew each others families, shared holidays, our kids played together. That all stopped on dday. We put our house on market, stopped attending all social functions, kids didn't play together....NC all the way around!!

If you'd like to read more about our story you can find it under the recovery board..most of our postings were from 12/02 to 3/03. My H posted under tellthetruth.

In case you are wondering we had one of the fastest recoveries ever but we worked our butts of we did MC, IC counseled with SH read all the books followed the MB principles, etc.

I also confronted the OW on several occasions it worked she knew that I meant business and that she didn't stand a chance in Hell of ever being with my H. Again what worked for me might not work in your situation.

You might also want to look up a thread my H started earlier this year on GQ about how my strong stanced helped him come out of the fog...can't remember title but shouldn't be hard to find since he doens't post much anymore.

I finally responded to you because I can feel the damage your H's cake eating is causing to you.

You are a strong and beautiful person. I admire you.
Reewil

I am trying to discourage you from confronting the OW in your case. She sounds like the OW in my case-- young, unmarried and going, narcissistically for what she wants. Also, your WH, like mine, sounds like he is having a MLC.

So their A is like an addiction to the youth and excitement that the OW offers. These young OW thrive on drama and will use it against you to get your WH's sympathy. You see, he likes rescuing her and taking care of her.

You need to be seen later as offering him stability.

FOREVER, sounds like the OW in your case may have had more morals. Also, she had more to lose in having a family of her own.

<small>[ December 31, 2004, 04:17 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]</small>

<small>[ December 31, 2004, 04:17 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]</small>

Dying:

Sounds like your OW is a lot like the one in my sitch. What you have to offer that she does not have and never will be able to gain is your wisdom, stability and family bond with your WH. He likely started to "have fun" with her and got caught in her web. He's now addicted and can't break loose.

However, remember, he is intricately tied to you in more ways than he is tied to her. He is not only emotionally tied to you but also you have a history and business dealings with him. ALL OF THIS is important in ways that she will NEVER BE ABLE TO COMPREHEND.

So now, use all of the AMMUNITION against her that you have: DOMESTIC TRANQUILITY--making your home comfy at XMAS, good food, etc.; SEXUAL FULFILLMENT--make your claim on what is yours. What turned him on about you in the past probably still turns him on. There's nothing special about her in this regard!! In the ATTENTION department--make sure you listen when he talks to you and look into his eyes. MAKE SURE NOT TO LB: NO ARGUING, CRYING OR PLEADING. PHYSICAL APPEARANCE: Smell good and look good. Why are you doing these things? This is all that you can control. You can't control what THEY ARE DOING. However, you can BE THE BEST PERSON THAT YOU CAN BE. This will all make YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF.

Don't stoop to her level! You are a QUEEN compared to her. You have helped to make him what he is today. YOU ARE HIS ROCK! Losing you will be a major loss for him. She cannot replace you although she is thinking that she can. Sounds like she goes for what she wants and will try to go to all lengths to get him. Make it your goal to not let her win. THIS IS WAR, A FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE.

BE STRONG, NOT WEEPY. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!

OMG -you guys are wonderful - The light has dawned -my H is still in a fog-he defends OW -insists not telling her H - says why hurt OW's M and S -yeah sure it would hurt her. Not give me hope that this is really over between them. He has lied for almost 2 yrs. Is he still lying -who knows. I am going to tell her H after the holidays or should I wait for the fog to lift with my H? That is my question or do I need to tell OW"S H in order for my H's fog to lift?? Please help.

Hi Realtor:

It is probably best to tell your story on your own thread in order to get all the help and focus that you may need.


Hope to hear from you again soon.

FT: unfortunately many here think that what you did was not Plan A. It is. Click on the links in my signature line link about Plan A - the ones by Zorweb and Cerri. Everything except the demand for no contact is EXACTLY what you did.

<small>[ December 31, 2004, 04:18 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]</small>

<small>[ December 31, 2004, 04:18 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]</small>

FOCUS ON YOUR PLAN.

IGNORE HIM. HE IS IN A FOG.

READ BACK OVER THE WAT GUIDELINES!!!

YOU CANNOT MAGICALLY MAKE THE A STOP.

IT WILL TAKE TIME AND PATIENCE.

HE THINKS THAT HE IS IN LOVE WITH HER. I'M SORRY. THIS IS SOMETHING THAT YOU WILL HAVE TO FACE UNTIL THIS IS ALL OVER.

<small>[ December 31, 2004, 04:18 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WH tells me i could not possible understand his pain as he loves 2 people and of course i dont what fog is that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is part of the typical CAKE-EATER SCRIPT. It is a good sign in that he is not saying that he is only IN LOVE with her.

This means that YOUR PLAN A IS BEING EFFECTIVE. Eventually, you may need to do PLAN B. However, I would suggest keeping up with the PLAN A. Eventually, you can begin to ask him, without LBing, how you two can WORK TOGETHER AS A TEAM to rid him of his pain by arranging NO CONTACT with her?

I think you should feel encouraged , DYING. It's going to take TIME, WORK, AND PATIENCE-NO MAGICAL SOLUTIONS.

<small>[ December 31, 2004, 04:19 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]</small>

dyinghere, It's time for exposure before it goes further. The holiday (xmas) is over, tell his parents, yours and maybe hers. Just because she doesn't have morals, maybe her parents do. Prepare for Plan B. Keep working out and try to feel good about yourself, surround yourself with friends. That's whats helping me. My H ended his EA but now I'm struggling with getting my feelings back for him!

STOP LISTENING TO HIM!!

FOCUS ON YOUR PLAN!

DYIN, ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME????

HE HAS BEEN CAPTURED BY AN ALIEN. HE IS IN AN ADDICTIVE STATE.

FOCUS ON YOURSELF AND YOUR PLAN!!!!

DON'T LET HIM VEER YOU OFF COURSE! THIS IS A FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE!!!!

<small>[ December 31, 2004, 04:19 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]</small>