Do these boys know what is really happening to them?

Hi Melody,

Unfortunately my children are well aware of the AP and so are WW family members, there have been numerous family occasions where he's participated. Come to think about it on her 40th birthday party AP was introduced to ALL her closest friends which was confirmed to me the next day! She has since had very little to no contact with these people�

They have taken my boys S10 & S8 away for a week on a �family� holiday this year.

�Others can comment, but the best way is to be kind and inviting and look for opportunities to meet her needs and make yourself look better than the OM.� < Will take this on board and look at how this site suggest re-building the R.

I will continue to monitor the post for advice and comment.

Thanks again.

Mark.

Hello All,

Being new to MB could I ask if it�s possible to carry out the principles on your own? Presently my WW is checked out of the MR and deeply involved with her AP, I can understand participation from her when she�s willing to reconcile but that I feel is a long way-a-way at the moment.

As Melody is suggesting I�m in a battle to better than the OM and WILL WIN with everybody�s help here.

Thank you.

Mark.

So your sons are being taught that adultery is an acceptable lifestyle. Is there someone in this scenario who can teach them right from wrong? They are being exposed to the affair in a sick and dysfunctional way. They are being taught that wrong is right. That is profoundly morally confustng to kids. This is why you need to expose the truth to them and teach them that it is WRONG to have an affair and break up a family.

Mark, there is a massive difference between your children 'knowing' and you telling them. You will explain in age appropriate language that their mother has broken her marriage vows through her relationship with xyz. Tell them you are heartbroken and that you want to recover your marriage as this will be the best outcome for everyone. Because you have not had this conversation with them, they are deeply confused and think that you have approved the current arrangement. Imagine what life lessons they are taking away from that!

Similarly, when you reach out to OMW and all the other people that will have an impact on your WW such as her parents and siblings, you will say that you are fighting for your marriage and want their support. Someone is having an affair right now with a girlfriend of mine. He told everyone that he and his wife had split up amicably and that they were in the process of getting a divorce. It was only by chance that I spoke to his BW who told me she was heartbroken. She also told me that no divorce had been filed and that he had only moved out after he had met this woman. Very different story and I was able to do all kinds of things to support the BW from that moment onwards. For example, I told the OW that she should be ashamed of herself. I also told all our mutual friends the true story.

The reason MB recommends exposure be done all at one time is to avoid the danger that the Wayward will spin another version of the story. You do not want her to tell people that have not yet heard directly from you that you are bitter and angry. You are fighting for what is right. Roll up your sleeves and do it.

No, you can't carry on the principles on your own. You need to FIRST kill the affair and attract your wife back.

Unfortunately, a lot of enabling has taken place and you will have to work hard to overcome that. Start by teaching your sons right from wrong and role model responsible adult behavior. By that I mean you should show them what a responsible man does when his family and marriage are under attack by a vile adulterous RAT. Your kids know this is wrong but their instincts about right and wrong are not being validated by any adults.

My father was a serial cheater who had introduced me to his OW when I was 4. My instincts told me this was wrong but that was not validated. I learned not to trust my instincts and concluded I was stupid. I had to learn right from wrong on my OWN in my adult years.

When we say EXPOSE we don't mean the affair has been spun by wayward liars. I don't think you understand what we mean by exposure.

Did you READ the exposure thread?

Hi Melody,

I see somewhere on the site a section on how to handle exposure to children at certain ages, I will re-visit and sit my boys down to make sure they gain an understanding of what their mother is doing from an age appropriate point of view.

EXPOSURE I did the exposure OR it was plain to see I understand that WW could have said anything about why she is doing what she�s doing but my character is unquestioned by all � I intend to �sound out� AP�s W and direct her to MB so that she can aid us both in destroying this A. I�ll also talk to her family members just to outline that although they know about the A I need them to also know I�m fighting for this MR and our family and would appreciate any influence from them in the matter.

Saying this I feel WW is quite controlling and narcissistic, people tend to shy away from A talk as they don�t want it to catch on with their R and instead hide away so that the disease doesn�t spread!!!

�Exposure targets
Parents of all concerned, family, close friends, children of the BS, workplace [if a workplace affair], spouse of the affair partner, pastor. Facebook friends of affair partner.�

Looking at the above list ^^^^ parent�s told, family told, close friends told, children will be told, workplace < compiling letter to HR, spouse of AP knows, pastor < no religious relationships, Facebook < don�t FB at all totally lost on that one�

This is a great start and understand why it�s driven so much here. The next stage is how to manage my interactions with WW when able! Any points in the right direction? Looking into love buster article and have ordered SAA but advice from the board would help a great deal especially if someone has been in a similar situation.

Mark.

Here read this Exposing to Children

"ooking at the above list ^^^^ parent�s told, family told, close friends told, children will be told, workplace < compiling letter to HR, spouse of AP knows, pastor < no religious relationships, Facebook < don�t FB at all totally lost on that one"

So start with the OM's wife, his parents, friends and family. Go start a Facebook page NOW, find the OMs page and copy and paste his contacts into a document for safe keeping. You will need to do all these exposures on the same day to get the maximum effect.

Think through the timing carefully so that you can expose to your boys on the evening of this day. Can you explain what you mean by age appropriate? If that means telling them some incoherent nonsense, please erase that idea. Tell them the full truth, that their family is being broken up so thier mom can carry on affair with a married man.

You keep saying the OM's wife "knows" about the affair. How do you know what she knows if you have spoken to her?

The OMS parents will be a critical exposure because many parents would not allow a cheating married woman to darken their doorstep. The OM has probably told some big whopping lie.

Hello All,

I have arranged �operation exposure� for the 16th and hopefully all relevant people be hit at the same time.

All I ask now is advice on how I can effectively carry out a Plan A whilst no longer living with my WW! I basically see her for tops 15 minutes when I have custody of the children and less when pick-ups happen, I feel it impossible to instigate the guidance due to lack of opportunity!

Do I�
Ask her to accompany my boys and me on family outings? < Bonfire night in UK plus Christmas round the corner.
Check in on her via phone call once a week?
Remain friendly and a safe place for her when we have our face-to-face?

All the above I feel will be met with contempt as she only has eyes for her AP. Do we continue to carry on with this so that IF THE A ENDS I�m still seen as having some investment in the MR�? I feel this action smacks of cake eating where she has the best of both worlds which could go on indefinitely.

Mark.

Why are you waiting until the 16th? Why can�t you do the exposure sooner?

Mark, we are not advocating that this go on forever, but that you strive to attract her back. Once you expose the affair, it will start crumbling. Once it starts crumbling, she will need a safe place to land. Stop worrying about "cake eating" and concen yourself with being shrewd and strategic. They have no plan, but you do.

And let's say that the affair does not end in 8-10 months, then you can go into Plan B leaving a very good taste in her mouth that she will remember when her affair dies.

Hello Both,

BrainHurts � As suggested I want to make sure I expose to everyone at the same time, SIL is away until that point and I want the most impact so will hold fire till then.

Melody � Understand the concept of a Plan A but initiating it in my position and getting the strategies in place with the limited window will prove problematic.

BrainHurts � If you don�t mind I have questions for you�
When you were in you�re A how did you perceive your H (sorry I�m assuming no physical or mental abuse was involved)? Did you lose respect for him? Did you no longer see him as your H but an annoying presence?
I�m sorry I haven�t read your situation how did he go about bringing you back around? What was the timescale?

I ask the questions as has much as I hold out for the A ending in my situation it seems so strong it eats away at my resolve! Having the chance to get a WW POV is invaluable, what would your reaction have been to your H carrying out Plan A with you..?

Mark.

It's not problematic at all. Plan A means a) exposure and b) expressing your willingness to meet her needs if she ends her affair. In the meantime, you look for creative opportunities to meet her needs and present yourself as the most attractive option.


Brainhurts is a betrayed spouse. Plan A gives you the best chance at recovery. When you extend an olive branch, it causes her confusion and causes her to question her decision to leave the marriage. This most especially comes into play when the affair crumbles. 95% of affairs fall apart quickly because of the traits that made them possible, thoughtlessness, deceit and selfishness.

That is Dr Harley's point of view, which is what you need. He knows how to save marriages, wayward wives do not.

Sorry Melody,

BrainHurts signature suggested WW although Former that's why I asked the question.

Thanks.

Gotcha, i think it may have been years before she arrived here. She came here as a betrayed spouse.

Hello All,

Now that I�ve instigated Plan A I have noticed changes to her attitude towards me, an example.

Yesterday we had a F2F when she was picking boys up from my house to take back to the family home and we engaged in conversation which I kept almost flirtatious, talk went onto bonfire night and how she would not be able to celebrate it due to her being away on the Saturday and not back until late on the Sunday.

Obviously they were spending time away together, but I remained courteous and calm and said she could pick the boys up once she got home but have them back for 20:00 due to us going to a fireworks display. I was thanked for this as it was my weekend to have the boys but agreed for her to see the boys anyway. I mentioned she was welcome to join us.

Everything carried on in this vein and onto Christmas where WW said �I know what you can buy dad for Christmas� to which I responded with �as long as it costs �700,000� WW and I laughed. This interaction continued to go well with me reminding her of a dish that she made for me which involved an ingredient I was using for my dinner at the time she chimed in with the missing ingredient I couldn�t remember. I know it sounds nothing BUT was a major step forwards in her demeanor.

Today was the total opposite! I could tell she was under pressure due to her childcare letting her down and not able to take the boys to school for her. I obviously said drop them off with me and I�ll get them to school, again the conversation went onto the Sunday with a request from her knowing that I was taking boys to a display Saturday as well has Sunday could I give up the Sunday allowing her to enjoy bonfire night with them! I agreed and we went our separate ways.

As time goes on I feel I�m going to get a lot of anger towards how I�m treating her and Plan A�

Mark.