"And affair resumption always happens" - really?? Are there hard figures to support this statement?
I guess I agree to disagree with you on the kids front. Kids are protected from all sorts of nasty stuff all the time in society. ...snip...
Perhaps you are correct and my wife hasn't learned anything from this experience. Perhaps she is a true sociopath and narcissist; and is still carrying on behind my back. Perhaps she does not see the value in our family and is not remorseful that her stupid actions threatened it all. I'm not saying we won't expose to the school if necessary, just not yet. Exposure is not needed for my support - I have support already. I believe exposure to the school is not necessary to end the affair, because I believe that is has ended (yes, I know you will say I'm naive, however, we will see sooner rather than later).
I earn a very good living working from home in the tech sector. I'm keen for her to keep her job because 1) despite doing something stupid that threatened everything, she worked damn hard to get it and is a superb teacher; and 2) I worked damn hard in terms of supporting her behind the scenes during the eight years it took to achieve a permanent position at the school.
OOB - you will find many references to an affair being like an addiction. On here you will also find people that were both the betrayed, and the betraying spouse. I hope one of the later will chime in. Despite the sitcom Cheers have you ever known an addict who could be around their drug of choice and not be tempted to relapse?
Sure your wife may have incredible self control - for how long? I stopped drinking almost 12 years ago - I did it before hitting rock bottom, I looked at my family history, and why I was drinking and what it was doing to me, and those around me. I decided I didn't want to take the same risks as others (i.e. my father) and quite. I can go out, my friends can drink - I will be the DD, despite the mental crap of finding out about a WW I have not been tempted at all to drink - but what about tomorrow? Or what about if there is another crisis? How will I react? For this reason I won't take a job in a bar, and I can't tell you the last time I was in one.
Based on what you wrote, you may be able to get rid of this slime by going to his boss with any proof of the bullying, or harassment - heck have your wife carry a VAR when she interacts with him. If he is as bad as you describe (and I am not questioning that at all) he will hang himself.
As for the children - we make choices what to expose them too - correct - I won't let my youngest watch the original Alien movie, but he has seen Deadpool - does that make sense - maybe not.
But we also teach them deep seated lessons (on a sub conscious level) on how we act. By not telling them the truth they will formulate their own ideas of what happened (probably much more accurately than you can imagine) and by not telling them the truth you teach them that dishonesty is ok. Is that your intention?
The children know something has happened, they can see it - they saw the way you and your wife were acting towards each other - and with two of them in the same school they probably saw, heard, or felt something off there between your wife, and OM. And as OM teaches these two what is to prevent him from extracting revenge on them - failing them for example on a test?
If he is close to retiring or moving, he may want to do it now - he isn't irreplaceable, just give him a push - protect your wife, your children and save your marriage.