She is very confused and will go up and down. One day she will be friendly and hateful the next. Just understand you are dealing with the equivalent of a falling down drunk who is intoxicated by an affair.

You did great! just stick with it!

MelodyLane is correct, it was in my first marriage years before I came here as a BS in my current marriage.

Hello All,

I�m struggling at the moment with building a plan around Dr H�s Plan A approach whilst being separated from my WW! I am getting to grips with his principles and his mind-set BUT feel most of these are based around a couple that have decided to reconcile and are now working towards where their MR fell down in the first place.

Obviously I�m nowhere near that point but want some kind of guide to start depositing LU�s (love units) into the LB (love bank)! What I�m basically doing is treating her like my best friend and allowing her to feel safe when we have the opportunity to talk F2F, my most recent conversations went like this:
Please bare in mind she had just come back from a night away with the AP (bonfire night in the UK.
WW �I had a tear in my eye last night as I overlooked the fields and saw all the fireworks, I was missing you� she was NOT talking to me BUT our two sons. She looked squarely at me then said �come on WW put your big girl pants on, you did this!� I basically smiled at her and looked at her in a way that suggested yes she did!

WW then asked me if she could take the boys and have them over night as she had not seen much of them over the weekend BUT it was my weekend to have them I said that if she really wanted but I also haven�t seen them and had adhered to our custody rota, she agreed and returned the boys back to me at the agreed time. < does this withdrawal from the LB?

All other conversation was a mixture of the family as a whole which I feel is going to be the norm. I don�t think this will be enough to credit my account more than the AP but will continue to work at it.

Question � do I inform the WW that I�m doing Plan A and if so does anybody have a link to a template as this is not mentioned in the SAA book.

Mark.

No, Plan A is intended for your situation. Otherwise we wouldn't recommend it. We are not giving you our personal opinions, but the concepts of Marriage Builders as they apply to your situation.


You won't be able to make many deposits anyway because as long as her affair is going strong, her lovebank will be CLOSED to you. It is now open to the OM because the affair is going strong.

This is why it is SO CRITICAL for you to expose the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so helping them keep the secret helps the affair thrive and grow.

When will you be exposing?


You don't mention Plan A to your wife.

Hi Melody,

I had planned on the 16th BUT am compiling emails now for all except SIL who is away on vacation until that date. Once I'm happy with what I'm saying I will then expose, should think Wednesday this week...

Thanks.

Mark.

By the way sat kids down and mentioned to them the situation.

Sounds good!! Please post the emails first so we can give you feedback.

Hi Melody,

As requested.

WORKPLACE EXPOSURE LETTER TO HR & TECHNICAL DIRECTOR
To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

I wish to inform you that I continue to stand for my marriage in the belief that it is the right thing to do morally and is in the best interest of my two young children. Please aid me in combating this affair.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BH

OTHER BS
Dear XXXX:

I regret to inform you of the continuing affair between WW and your husband, I was informed by WW on the 8th January 2017 that a physical affair existed between the two.

I am informing you to make sure you are aware of your husband�s actions and that I intend to stand for my marriage in the belief that it is the right thing to do morally and is in the best interest of my two young children. Please aid me in combating this affair by exposing his actions to your closest friends, family members and if possible the members of your WH�s family.

It saddens me to have to do this but intend to fight this to the bitter end. Please feel free to contact me at email address or XXXX XXXXX

Regards.

BH

FRIENDS AND FAMILY
Dear Friends and Family,

I am writing you this message because you are important people in the lives of WW and me. As some of you know, WW has recently forced me to separate from the family home and my children due to I�m shocked to find out her carrying on a physical affair with a co-worker who resides at XXX.

The purpose of this forced separation is so that she can carry on her affair without my interference in the family home exposing your nephews/grandchildren to this stranger and only allowing access to their father 50% of the time.

As our friends, I am asking that you use your influence with WW to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support him in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

I would so appreciate your support.

Warmest regards,

BH

Perfect!! I would make sure you also expose to the OM's family and friends. Does he have a facebook page?

Hello All,

Well the emails have gone and the letter to their HR department and Director have been sent. I'm expecting a massive push-back from WW, this is NOT going to be pretty... Wish me luck!

Mark.

We are with you, Mark! Hang on for the storm. Good job!

Don't be scared Mark. You will get angry responses but don't question yourself. This is exactly what needs to be done to have the biggest possible impact on the affair - and the angrier your WW is, the bigger you know the impact has been. After the storm has dissipated (which happens a lot more quickly than you think), you will feel so glad that you took such strong action to fight the affair.

Hello All,

Just though I�d bump up my thread and see if I could get some clarity on what the boards see as love bank deposits when separated from the WS?
The challenge for you is that the situation only allows for the couple being together for literally only minutes!

I feel I�m going to get a response outlining the bank is closed to me whilst WW is still involved with her AP but how can I effectively Plan A and try to beat the A in this situation�
I feel I�m just in a holding pattern waiting for the A to fizzle out (95% do within 2-years) < not sure about this all very clinical and statistics mean very little.

Has anybody on the boards reconciled from this position? To be honest I don�t see much reconciliation on this site at all� Where are the success stories?

My crash helmets on�

Mark.

Are you going to update us on the exposure?

Hi Melody,

The exposure was carried out with military precision, all letters and emails sent at the same time (letters sent so that a documented exposure was submitted also). As you�ll remember I sent to AP�s wife, her family and the director of their place of work plus the HR director. I also sat my boys down and told them.

I am still waiting for the effects of this to filter through but presently am seeing NO difference in her demeanor, could still be too early or that they�re not bothered and just shying away from the problem and won�t condone their actions!

What do you suggest after exposure..? Plan A.

How can I implement an effective Plan A in my situation? I�m just spinning my wheels and allowing all of her EN�s to be given by 2 men, she�s not likely to give this up any time soon as she has the best of both worlds so as Dr Harley suggest will have to allow the A to end in the wrong way having no other choice.

Hopeless� I need a strategy to implement!

Thanks.

I have to say I have never heard of an exposure with no fallout. This is a first in 17 years!!

And yes, Plan A is in order. Plan A means being willing to meet her needs in the future if she ends her affair. You would try to demonstrate that when the opportunity presents itself. Look for creative ways to present yourself as the best option as her affairs falls apart and crumbles from your exposure.

Hello All,

Though I�d use this space to journal (I hope you don�t mind reading my drivel) and ask for opinions based on the content, appreciate all input.

My situation � separated from my WW since February this year, have two children aged 8 & 10 and am currently in a Plan A. I have exposed A to all (see previous posts) and am waiting on the fall-out which so far has not been forthcoming� The PA continues.

Sunday 19th Nov � Did not have the boys but as usual shared some time with them for a few hours, WW dropped them off to me and everything was civil. WW did not enter the house and as usual had her car running for a quick get-a-way, we talked to each other whilst the boys were gathering their things and the conversation turned to my night out (Sat) and �did you have a good time?� I know I shouldn�t mind read but why so interested�

I mentioned to her what I did and she seemed really happy for me! We had a laugh about her cooking for the boys previously and how they didn�t like it too much and basically went into a group discussion with the boys involved. The visit ended well with me running after my youngest with some soap suds for him which ended up on his head, WW gave me a very confused look when this happened a look I�ve not seen before.

Baby Steps � what would improvement look like?
WW to enter the house.
WW to spend more time with the boys and me.
WW maintaining eye contact more.
WW laughing and engaging in conversation.

We live in hope�

Mark.

21/11/2017

All,

Boys staying with me for the next two night as is the schedule, WW dropped off their stuff and actually came into the house!
Continuing Plan A I started talking to her about my fundraising and Movember, anybody who doesn�t know what this is it�s being sponsored to grow a moustache throughout November for men�s charities.

I have a full beard now which is a total 180 for me being ex-military and told to shave every day! My WW has never seen me like this but once she heard MIL sponsored me as well has SIL she coughed up sponsorship also.
This is becoming a conversation starter for us and much amusement as well! We have been very civil to each other and have not argued in months, arguing I see as the enemy now and keep reminding myself that it withdraws massively, I intend to build the LB up NOT take away from it.

WW is suffering from a cold at the moment which gave me a chance to deposit a little by mentioning the need for her to �better look after herself� I didn�t say I could help her as I feel at the moment this would be pushing it a little too far. We had lots of eye contact throughout the encounter and it felt quite positive. WW mentioned that she was going to �go and do the pile of ironing, have a bath then go to bed�, why would she mention this? Mind reading needs to be managed more than anything else I�m facing at the moment!

Later in the evening WW text me �Could I FaceTime the boys quickly�, she seems to be a master of mental torture as again mind reading led me to wonder what was so important that she had to rush talking to her children..?

Another rollercoaster night!

You got it! Arguing is always a stupid strategy for marriage and you certainly can't afford it now.

Hello All,

I see this a lot with WW. Last night (see my previous post) WW and I had a quite civil encounter whilst she was dropping off things for the boys as is our visitation rota, tonight she didn�t even turn up at my place and instead phoned in the first instance then FaceTimed the boys later.

I call this the �push-back� where I feel WW sees her actions as AGAINST her AP and instead in favor of the MR! She IMHO actually feels guilty for spending quality time with me and needs to justify her actions by going the opposite direction and punish not just me but the boys also by not physically seeing them.

In one respect I see this as a small victory but in another am hurt at how much control this A as on her actions.

It never ceases to amaze me how blind an A makes even the most intelligent individuals and of course how impactful their change of loyalties hits the BS�

Thanks.

Mark.

It's very typical in affairs. You will see her more and more as her affair crumbles.