Amac, why are you not in Plan B? You talk about what WH recently told your MIL and what OW is posting on FB...how do you know these things???

I know. I really have blocked out so much and having the babysitter do the exchanges has helped a ton. I looked at the facebook when WH was claiming the affair was over, its the best way for me to know if he is lying or not.

I spoke to my mother in law because I wanted to make sure they knew that WH had not seen his kids, was requesting spousal support from me, and had not paid me any child support. Other then OW they are the only real influences in his life so I want them to hear from me what is actually happening in the hopes that they can be of some influence.

Hi Amac, how are you doing? Since you are quiet now, I guess plan B might be working?! Hope so!

Hi Chalk, thanks for thinking of me I'm doing pretty good. Plan B is working in that I def do not get that panicky desperate feeling anymore and I def have "let go" of all attempts to save my marriage and am very busy and pretty satisfied in my life without WH. I just wish he would go way entirely! Now I view him as this annoying knat who likes to get at me emotionally by demanding things with our kids and still doing absolutely nothing with regards to the divorce which is making it more costly for me because I'm constantly having to do things to get him to engage. We have filed multiple notices and subpoenas requesting information from him and he has still yet to make any contact with my attorney. My atttorney now is subpoening him for a deposition in a couple weeks that I'm hoping will at least force him into his office so we can come to some agreement.

I have information that he might actually be in the process of moving, to where I dont know. I'm betting not in my county, which I would prefer. Meaning he cant make more time demands on the kids. But that is the paradox of this whole thing which I'm sure you can relate to, I dont want to give him more time with them, but it makes me so sad and disappointed that he as their father does not seem to want more time with them. I have written him off as a husband, and I'm hoping to get to the point where I am no longer angered or affected by him being such a negligent father. Im sure it will get there with time.

Hope things are well with you!

Alot has happened and I need motivation to get back on track.

WH finally got off the couch he had been staying on and got a 2 bedroom apartment 15 mins from me, 45 miles from OW. He also go a new job, but not in the county that we live. He is set to start on Tuesday. I dont know where exactly but I assume in the same area he is practicing now because that is where his contacts are.

The divorce process was getting pretty hostile. It was clear to me that WH was trying to get back at me for not taking him back when he tried in Sept. I knew his plan was that if he made it difficult for me I would start to cave. Of course this just made me start to hate him.

I became overconfident in myself because I had been doing so well with my Plan B. Stupidly, this made me believe I was strong enough to break my Plan B and try to negotiate some of the divorce terms with him because I have spent thousands of dollars already and was getting nowhere. 2 weeks ago at the drop-off I asked him to stay (babysitter still did he exchange and has been since Sept). I didn't let him in the house, we talked in the backyard. I told him it was only to talk about the divorce. I asked for a dollar amount to end it and give me what i want and he throw out an absurd number and i told him to leave. I said something pretty awful to him as he was leaving, which caused him to come back shaking and crying. From there he somehow turned the conversation around to what it would take for him to come back. He talked about all the things he missed from our life, about me, and how he knew it was only going to get worse. He kept throwing out things to get me agree to let him back but I said no to everything. Lastly, he suggested signing my proposed divorce agreement that basically gives me everything, but delaying the judgement a year for him to prove his faithfulness. This appealed to me. Seems like a win win, i get the security of knowing I will get what i want in the divorce and a resolution probably alot sooner then without it, and if by some miracle he can prove himself, all the better. I said if he called my attorney and worked it out before our impending hearing I would give him that chance. He also agreed to all other conditions i had mentioned before (no contact with OW, work in my county, lie detecter, flip phone, full transparency and computer supervision).

Well, 3 days later he is filing motions with my attorney, calls him to negotiate child support and as far as the reconciliation terms went my lawyer said "it went nowhere, and will go nowhere." I know I should not be surprised, but it still baffles my mind how waywards can literally do a 360 like that.

I wish I could say that was the end of my drama, but I didn't stop. After WH dropped off the kids last Sunday I had the babysitter with them so I could meet a friend. On my way home I drove by the exit where WH is now living. I went to his apartment. He wouldn't answer when I knocked, I saw the light on so I called out to him and told him to let me in. I told him I wanted to see where my children were going to be staying. He had a crib, and a toddler bed for my daughter and a few clothes in their closet. In his room was just an air mattress. No other furniture in the entire place. I looked at him and asked him "do you want this life?" He said what choice did he have. I put my arms around him, and he tensed and said "Oh s$ht" and I knew his affair wasn't over. I looked around the apartment and saw a curling iron on the bathroom counter. I pointed to it and he said "that was there when i moved in" haha such a bad liar. Of course we argued about him lying and then i asked why he didn't sign the agreement to give me the security i need to save our marriage and family he said "i dont know if i can do it." I asked because of her or you'll cheat with someone else?" He said there are feeling involved with her and he has been "faithful to her, except for the chatting" I said then divorce me! but give me the house. Then he started retracting saying he knew it wasn't going to work with her and he was trying and that I should see that by the fact he moved back to our county. I then asked him where he was going to work and he wouldn't tell him, then i realized his new job must not be in our county otherwise he would tell me. I told him I would NEVER be with him if he was not working in our county. He started saying it wasn't a done thing and his current firm would take him back (I guess he thinks they will let him work in our county, IDK) but i ran out. He started screaming after me "what do you want?"

That's where things are.

Such a huge mess. I dont know what to do.

I let WH have the kids with his family over thanksgiving. Part of me hopes that him being a single parent and having them full time for the first time in 6 months and seeing his siblings with their families might bring some reality to him.

Also, I have not had any further contact with OWBW because I thought the affair might have been over, but seeing the curling iron confirmed its not. Part of me wants to contact him today and tell him everything I know to raise some hell in the affair that might prevent WH from starting his new job this week. If he does that, then I dont see how we can ever reconcile. But if i do that, WH will be mad and that will counteract any influence being with him family this weekend will have had. I will contact OWBH at some point regardless because I need to know when their adoption will be done. That is critical for alot of reasons. OW is still living with her BH under the guise that it just for the adoption, but I think when it happens she probably won't actually leave him. Also, I plan to use that as a reason not to give WH more custody because he could uproot and move to OW area if she does actually leave her H.

I think no matter what I do WH will start the new job. He cannot afford his apartment and the child support he has to pay me with his current salary. And even if he doesn't take it because of something I did, I know he will always resent me for it.

Bring on the scolding, I know I need it. I know I need to go back to a dark Plan B. Is there any solution here? Im afraid if I dont contact OWBH I will always regret it, on the flip side i might regret it if I do because I will wonder if there was even the slight chance that WH would choose not take the job on his own, if that makes sense.

The solution is to go back to Plan immediately and get to work negotiating [NOT DIRECTLY!] a favorable, final settlement in your divorce. Putting it off is only giving him permission to pursue his affair longer. You are still very addicted to him which is greatly harming your judgement. Stay dark and move forward.

Should I contact OWBH?

I would not. Just move forward and completely withdraw from this insane asylum. You really need to effect a very dark Plan B at this point.

As long as you are interjecting yourself into the situation, it takes attention away from the problems in the affair. And yes, there are many practical problems on top of the usual issues of bad traits cheaters bring into a relationship. Just think of it this way: when your enemies are destroying each other, don't interfere. You have interfered ALOT, making you the subject rather than their unviable relationship.

Thanks Melody, that makes sense.

AMAC, your emotions are leading you to a very bad place and causing you to make bad decisions. The longer you stay dark, the less that will happen. You MUST put aside your emotions and start thinking rationally. No small feat, but much easier when you stay dark, my friend.

I agree with ML that you are still very much addicted to WH and I fear until you take care of this situation with WH coming to the house you are going to find yourself getting involved in wayward drama for years to come.

Part of the reason I stick around here is to help BSs through the transition of divorce. It sickens me to my core to see BSs come back here YEARS after the D still refusing to let go of their xWS and demanding that contact is necessary because they "don't care" or for the kids, etc.

If you do not get yourself out of this cycle, this is going to be you. Posting about your WH and this type of drama for years.

I warned another poster about this years ago. She would constantly break Plan B - write LONG posts about her WH and OW drama. I told her if you don't stop this, you are going to be here for years posting stuff like this. She came back three years later (after breaking Plan B) with long posts, yet again, her WH and his now wife OW. She can't even see how toxic contact has been for her and how it has kept her stuck.

Do whatever you can to plug up the Plan B holes (one is him coming to your house). I do not think you have the willpower to stay dark under these circumstances.

This has been a theme throughout the thread - you trying to get your WH to do what you want him to do.

This has been a theme on this thread - you trying to "talk" and reason w your WH. About the affair, about the divorce. In the future, I'm sure it will be about the kids.

You can't reason with him, amac. It won't work, period.

We just talked about this a page or two ago on this thread. When are you going to accept this?

I know Susie, I have seen those threads from woman still posting years later. Believe me, I do not want to be that, and I really dont think I will.

My Plan B was going very well once I had the babysitter do the exchange. September and October were good months for me and I know that was because there was nothing impending in the divorce process and I could live my life without giving much thought to WH. When we hit november the child support hearing was looming and WH moved, and we had to deal with holidays, so all of this sucked me back in.

I know as you have said, there are always going to be things that come up that can divert my attention to WH and out of Plan B. How do you handle it? Especially during the divorce process which demands you attention?

Hi Amac...
As a person who has been through divorce- lawyers love for you to think you are getting somewhere when they are just taking your money.
Stop trying to reason with him. Just wait for your court cases and tell your lawyer he has 1 hour the day before to see if anything can be worked out- if not just go to court. Let his secretary's see any email that come in and just hold your ground.

Most courts give a very specific set amount no matter how much happened before. (I mean, you will get x amount for child support no matter how much you try to talk it out beforehand. It is set so people can't bargain)
So don't settle for things that you would get in court. Don't be afraid of court. Might feel nervous but have courage and know that they aren't out to get you.

So just keep making your final court dates... stop paying your lawyer for nonsense (let him do that) refuse to negotiate until the day before and be ready for court. Stop trying to contact him over any issues related to the divorce. Lawyers can do that and you can see he is just going to continue doing crazy things costing you money. Plus it keeps it on your mind. Facing it for an hour the day before court is doable. Going to court for a couple hours is doable.

You will be shocked at how much they will suddenly negotiate right before court and then if they stay a jerk ( like mine did) get handed a worse judgement from the judge following "standard" and nothing he could do.
Stop wasting money!
Stop contacting him- it will only make his demands worse.

Even with little ones- there is no reason to have to contact him. Your IM can do it for any schedule changes/ holidays... sickness, something special that kids are doing etc. Stick to the schedule and live your life.

I think you need to look at this in a way similar to the way that Dr Harley looks at NC for a WS - look at the conditions that keep making contact possible and close those loopholes.

Relying on your willpower is not working for you. Maybe it will in a year or two but right now, it is not.

I think as long as he is coming to the house, you're going to be at risk for breaking your PB. I would use the school/day care as the drop-off, pick-up location or some other location and have your babysitter do the transport (I do a combination of the two).

I know you feel you've been in a good Plan B for a couple of months but that is not really the definition of a "good" Plan B. If you were in a good dark Plan B for a long time, you would not get dragged into this drama with your WH. You would actively avoid him because you would know that it is not worth it and there wouldn't be a compulsion to talk to him. You're not there yet.

Thanks Elaina, I like your idea of the 1 hour window to negotiate the day before court, quite brilliant! I will definitely implement that in the future.

I'm not afraid of court, just the money it entails. My lawyer is quit expensive and being an attorney myself I know a day in court is mostly waiting around and I hate the idea of paying so much for that wasted time. Unfortunately, and stupidly, since WH is a divorce lawyer he is representing himself so wasted money is no factor to him.

As of now I have the child support order, possession of the house, and he has very little time with the kids so the only one who will want to be negotiating anything is him. Since he mostly chooses not to participate I"m hopefully I will get a bit of a reprieve.

Yes, it is motivating for me to implement the NC with WH the same way he should be doing NC with AP. It is a bit enlightening to see how hard it really is.

I dont know what to do about the drop off situation. WH picks them up from daycare and has them in the evening for dinner and then drops them home at bedtime. Since he now has the apartment he has told my attorney he will be asking for overnights. I dont want to do that though. I think it will be too disruptive for them and I dont trust him. But if I agreed to that he wouldnt need to come to the house anymore.

Are you thinking you have a case to withhold overnight visitation from him? Did you attorney say that you did?