We cannot help you if you choose to be an enabler and a coward. All you have done is help the affairees hide their affair better at work.

If you are not serious about saving your marriage and instead, choose to be an enabler, I give this no hope. You are allowing a self serving wayward to guide your actions. Her objective is to pursue her affair with her lover at the expense of your marriage.

Is it your goal to help the affair?

This is the stupidest thing I have ever read here. First off, telling you about contact means nothing. If I am a recovering alcoholic and I "tell you" when I get drunk, does that mean I am sober? If she "tells you" about her affair, does it mean her feelings are any less triggered? Your comment only tells me you DON'T GET IT.

Secondly, you will be the last person she will tell when she has contact with her lover. Every day she goes to work she can see her affair partner. With your blessing.

Sir, if you won't get off your dead [censored] you won't have a marriage to save. You need to expose this affair fully and completely NOW and demand she quit her job.

The longer you ENABLE her affair, the more entrenched it will get. You cannot save a marriage if you choose to be an enabler.

Your marriage will NEVER survive if she works at that same place. You are headed to divorce and will not have benefit of her little job anyway. Trying to protect her little job at the expense of your marriage is a stupid, boneheaded move.

The longer you sit there and enable her affair, the harder it will be to save this.

forworse, I implore you to stop enabling this affair at your own expense. Recovery is very hard and the longer you put this off, the harder it will be to save your marriage. You are allowing yourself to be used as an enabler and an accessory to an affair that is wrecking your marriage. Cooperating with people whose goal is the destruction of your marriage is suicide.

Your chances of saving your marriage by enabling an affair are ZERO. Soon, all opportunity will be gone and she will be leaving you for her lover if you won't wake up and get off your [censored].

God, this is difficult to hear. I know that I have been a moron. However, I feel like I am being very punitive if I try to contact HR unilaterally. I realize my WW is driving this whole thing. I can't believe I've become such a wimp.

I scheduled an appointment with Steve tomorrow morning. I need to speak with someone.

I don't understand the concept of unilaterally contacting HR or my wife's Director. Are you saying the goal of stopping the affair overrides any fundamental sense of dignity? My wife would feel betrayed if I contacted her employer. To this point, she has manipulated me because I am a wimp. I have my wife's bosses' contact info but that seems like a nuclear solution.

Please explain the morality/ethics behind this solution. What happens if my marriage doesn't work out? I don't want to destroy my wife's career. I am not a vindictive person.

We don't need my wife's income. However, she loves her job and her career. She always has. She is an outstanding social worker.

Sir, feelings are not truth. You are allowing your emotions to drive you. The advice we give you comes from DR. BILL HARLEY, the founder of Marriage Builders. Are you hoping to get advice that will support your marriage wrecking enabling from Steve?

You are speaking to "someone," it is we posters are volunteering our FREE TIME giving you the qualified, expert advice of DR BILL HARLEY. That us great that you will get counseling from Steve, but the advice will not differ.

DR BILL HARLEY: "Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."

You do not have the power to destroy your wife's career. First off, if her career is destroyed, it will be due to her unprofessional, unethical behavior.

Secondly, the only hope you have is if she leaves that job. You are sacrificing your marriage for her career. Is that your choice?

And lastly, it is unethical on your part to enable an affair and to knowingly leave her employer at such legal risk. It is also unethical to hide this secret from the other victims.

YOU ARE AN ACCESSORY TO THE CRIME.

I understand that and I assumed that would be your response. I just can't believe this is happening.

You're right though...I am letting my emotions direct my decisions. However, I still don't understand the ethics/morality behind threatening my wife's career. My wife means everything to me. My marriage means everything to me. However, if my marriage does not work out, my WW will need to rely on her position. I don't discount your advice. I am seeking to understand it.

Does that make sense?

sorry, I just saw your response

"I don't understand the concept of unilaterally contacting HR or my wife's Director. Are you saying the goal of stopping the affair overrides any fundamental sense of dignity"

There is no dignity in having an affair with a married man and there is no dignity in helping the cheaters hide the affair.

This is your FEAR talking.

DR BILL HARLEY: "When there is an affair in the workplace, and the other person continues to work there, my advice is that the unfaithful spouse must quit the job and find another to avoid ever seeing or talking to the other person again. But if the unfaithful spouse is unwilling to resign, should a betrayed spouse expose the affair to the employer?

While I unhesitatingly recommend immediately exposing the affair to friends, family, clergy, children and the other person's spouse, I'm not so quick to suggest immediately exposing it to an employer. That's because such exposure could have unintended legal and economic consequences. For example, the affair might constitute grounds for a sexual harassment claim by the unfaithful spouse's lover. Or it might trigger the outright firing of the spouse, making it far more difficult for them to find another job.

If the unfaithful spouse has separated, in spite of my reservations I recommend immediate exposure to the employer. But if the unfaithful spouse has not separated, I advise the betrayed spouse to warn the unfaithful spouse that if he or she works there one more day, the affair will be exposed to the employer. That gives him or her an opportunity to use vacation time to look for another job and make a graceful exit. If a new job is not found by the time the vacation time is over, I recommend applying for an unpaid leave of absence or a resignation to avoid returning to work.

If the unfaithful spouse becomes angry upon hearing the warning, making it clear that there will be no resignation from the job, I encourage the betrayed spouse to expose the affair to the employer immediately." http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=9&sublink=584

You're partially right. I just can't get past the feeling that I am trying to control her life by contacting HR.

I know her pathetic decisions drove us here. She is responsible for all of this pain. I know that she is acting extremely selfish and is disregarding our children's well-being.

I can't help but ask: What are the chances that my wife flies straight going forward? She says she is appalled by her behavior and has no intention of repeating it.

Unfortunately, I looked my journal again. I think I already have my answer. WW has a repeated recent history of infidelity and dishonesty. I need to refer to her as WW instead of wife now. She is truly acting like an alien has abducted her brain.

No, you have this backwards, she is CONTROLLING you by forcing you to enable her affair. Asking someone to stop harming you is not CONTROL. Forcing you to endure her contact with her lover IS control.

Once again, feelings are not truth. Your FEELINGS are leading you wrong.

STOP

OK, Melody. I can live with that. I will inform WW that I contact HR unless she agrees to leave the hospital. God this sucks.