I haven�t discussed in detail with my attorney because he has yet to formally request it. When he does request it I will not agree to it, and his only recourse will be to request a hearing from the court, which is typically set 6 weeks out. That will give me the opportunity to subpoena his new work records to see how much he is earning now, which I am sure is more then he was making when we set the original child support order. I will also require him to show his lease which he claimed he signed for 6 months. By the time we get to the hearing he will be at least half way through and I will have an argument that his living situation is still not permanent enough for him to have overnights.

I know I won�t be able to stop him from overnights forever but I�m going to do my best to prevent it while his affair is ongoing.

I would ask your attorney about this because as far as I know, as long as he has a place and beds for them to sleep in, you're not going to be able to stop the overnights so I don't know if it is worth the cost to you to fight this.

You might be better off trying to get an voluntary agreement from him where he will agree to keep the kids away from the OW.

Actually, I take that back about the beds - my attorney told me even couches in the living room at X's parent's house was OK for the kids to sleep on, but they were older than your kids.

Yes, I recognize that. I don't intend to actually go to court over the issue. Just make WH go through the process of filing the motion and setting a date, then I will negotiate at the last minute as Elaina suggested.

Hi Amac, I'm a Plan Ber, who hasn't commented on here in a few years but your Plan C has alarmed me so much I reactivated my account just so I could chime in here. Since you've already accepted the recent criticism, I won't pile on - but I want to make it clear to you that you are risking two very important priorities:

1) The mental and physical health of your children's sole responsible parent.
(I'm still haunted by the premature death of one very feisty lady before her child was of age. The child was given into the care of the WH and OW)
2) Avoiding a second Dday.
(If your nagging and cajoling were actually successful in dragging WH home with an NC letter then a second Dday would inevitably follow. A man child is not going to be able to hack recovery. You need to set the bar high: access to the challenge of marriage is only allowed to grownups who can get themselves home, write an NC letter all by their big boy selves).

1) You are getting stellar, step by step advice from the site's best vets.
2) You are clearly a bright, fearless, moral and dedicated person.
Which all = NO EXCUSE for veering off into Plan C at this stage in the game. Besides all of that: telling your husband what to do is both a DJ and a SD which you should know how to avoid before attempting a marriage recovery anyway.

I said I wouldn't pile on. OK. So constructively, Plan B is a WONDERFUL time built out of peace. It gives you time and space to spring clean out anything in your life which is not positive. Time to get your mind right. Time to set high standards. Time to focus entirely on you/your child. Time to learn how to let go of things not in your control. Abusers are going to abuse and enablers are going to enable but at least you are not controlling or enabling anyone. At least they won't affect anyone on your exclusive plan B guest list. Their behaviour wont affect anyone within the protection of the plan B castle.

Yes, divorce sucks like a Dyson and I bet you don't have a dedicated 'in case of divorce' budget so you're sliding each and every penny through gritted teeth not really realising it's the absolute best thing you could be spending money on right now.

Every penny protects priorities 1 and 2 above. I say that as someone who spent four times on lawyers what I thought I would. Still worth it. I'm happy, healthy and wealthy today.

Just ....... treat yourself as being worth more. Do something nice for Amac every time you have to do divorce stuff or pay divorce bills. For me it's pedicures. (Susie will say makeup but WUT)..

Thanks so much for your input Indiegirl, I have read alot of what you have posted to others and found it very helpful. But yikes, my plan C must be pretty bad if it made you reactivate!

I am tempted to go on the defensive and say I wasn't DJing in the drama I initiated in the last post. I just wanted to talk divorce but it ended up being 3 hours of him trying to talk me into letting him back. But I know it doesn't matter. The conversation should not have happened period. I was much more at peace with everything before it and was starting to feel the benefits of Plan B. I think alot about what you wrote to someone else that for the BS this is our time, if there is a recovery it will be hard (something I realize and made it easy for me to turn down most of the options WH presented) so I really should be enjoying myself now. And overall I am. Ugh just need to recover from this setback....

And I won't say anything about the AO you had at him either....or that anger tends to come along when you have no plan and feel powerless. It's like blood in the water to a wayward.



You have a lawyer for that! You don't have any personal influence over a wayward, even if you did it would be borrowing from the lovebank which is a bad habit, and personal influence disappears the moment youre not right there in front of him anyway.



Yeah, because you were being predictable. Your WH knows you and was prepared for you to ride in on your fix it white horse. So he had a little speech prepared because he knows all he has to do is set up situations that are tempting for you to fix and he gets opportunities to pitch the devil's deal. He's going to try it again too, because you've confirmed you'll bite..

I am SO SO sympathetic to your temptations here. He hasn't come back hat in hand so it seems rational to ask him if he's all out...and yet we could have told you that of course he's not that either. He's mayor of cake eating town and any conversations will lead back to that and will be a slap in the face.

So I really agree with Susie on this one. Is this plan a goer while the overnights are still up in the air?

What nice things have you done for yourself this weekend?

Not sure if you have plugged this gap yet or not but I would block/ delete any sources of wayward drama while you're strong so youre not tempted to check while you are weak.

If you have to, get off social media entirely and give the passwords to your IM. She can do any verifications without your even knowing about it.

You are so right about the personal influence disappearing the moment i'm not right in front of him. Its so apparent, its like time has stood still for him and he gave me a similar speech to the same he gave when we first separated - 6 months ago! And he was so shocked to hear about all the developments in my life, its like he expects the world to have stopped around him. Is this a typical wayward thing? So hard to understand..but again proof that I should not be even trying to understand his madness.

Thanks for the "mayor of cake eating town" that made me lol

Yes, I will give my IM the social media passwords, again...ugh. I dont know what to do about the drop offs. Without overnights he has to bring them back here after picking them up from daycare. This will change eventually, but probably not for a couple months in the least.

It was my son's 1st birthday this week. A milestone in so many ways. It was a significant time in my WH drama. For some reason he placed alot of emphasis on it. Telling OW (and me before i knew of the affair but got the 'love u but not in love with u' comment) that he would not leave our house before my son turned 1. Ha, well I'm glad I blew up that plan of his. Also, a year ago at this time my then newborn son was threatened with a life threatening disease and was in and out of the hospital Dec & Jan. That experience almost broke me, maybe even more so then this affair. I felt so alone during the whole ordeal, come to find out later that WH was turning to his online AP to grieve rather then me. My son was miraculously and unexplainably totally unaffected by the disease in his body, but I was not the same after. I went from giving birth, to being in and out of the hospital for 2 months, then coming home with a newborn and a toddler to care for. WH then took his online affair to a physical one and met OW in Jan of last year. So, I can say that compared to this time last year, I would take where I am now, hands down. We had a fun filled (but exhausting) week, celebrating with my parents and sister. I did manage to find some time to splurge on christmas decorations, which I will count as something good for myself

Happy birthday to your son Amac! And so thankful to hear that he is healthy now after such a traumatic start to life. I think Christmas decorations definitely count

Thanks Chalk!

Yeah me too. That's your cake missus. You earned it, you baked it and you deserve it. More fun news like this please.



What, you think he considers you a real person? No! In fact he thinks (to the extent it can be called 'thinking') that you are a meat puppet, summoned by his desire and animated by the presence of his greatness. Don't take it personally though. The whole world has become this to him. Best lie low till he's done with THAT.



Oh! Well if you like cake, check this out. By the wonderful Pepperband (who I miss!) who understood waywards to their bone marrows.




http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2671609&page=1

haha thanks Indie, that WH Pepper was "translating" could be my WH - word for word. But I guess they all do and say the same things. A new thing my WH threw out at that unfortunate break was that he "does not believe in divorce." This coming from a divorce lawyer! Translation - I don't mind profiting off of the pain and suffering of others, but such consequences should not apply to me.

I think mine said something like his version of divorce was being really good friends (hooking up was implied) and that he'd be vetting any boyfriends to make sure they didn't 'take advantage'.



Essentially they don't believe in relinquishing cake.

Today is hard day.

It was my son's 1st year checkup. I told his dr. about the divorce, about the cheating. She said 60% of affairs happen during pregnancy, how the same thing happened to her sister. My son's blood had to be taken at this visit. It was very traumatic for me, they had a hard time finding his vein, just like when he was a newborn. He had to be poked and prodded so much I couldn't handle it. When we were all done and I was out of the office with him I just sat on a bench holding him and crying. Crying for the unfairness of the pain both of us have had to suffer this year.

When I got home there was a package from my mother in law. We talked briefly before thanksgiving, she said my father in law told her she is not allowed to talk to me anymore because when she gets involved it makes the situation worse. (She Planed B'ed me!) Which is for the best, but this package broke the Plan B! In the package was my son's bottle bag that WH had left with them over thanksgiving. She also wrote a letter, talking about the fun things the kids did over Thanksgiving and how she knew christmas would be fun for me with the kids but also sad remembering the past. She included 3 glass ornament birds, she said they represent the freedom from the unhappiness of last year, one for me, my son, and daughter. She talked in the letter about how kids only remember what you tell them, and that my children would be happy well adjusted kids.

I know she meant well but of course this just expounded my sadness today. I hate that of course everything she writes to me I analyze as telling me that WH is a lost cause. I almost feel in a way that she is intentionally provoking me with that letter. But I also think alot of how awful this most be for her. The thought of my child doing these things is almost as unbearable as them being done to me.

I had a babysitter lined up to go to my office christmas party tonight, but I canceled. I haven't told anyone at work but a few close friends about my situation and I'm afraid I'm just too emotionally volatile to be in a social situation tonight. It's okay. Lots of other things to look forward to, but today is a hard one.

I was close to recommending a plan b with her anyway because she struck me as an enabler. Even super amazing and supportive MILs stop earning their keep in plan b after a while because the two of you can't talk about the person who links you. I would deliberately shelve her and not count on her to uphold it.



Im sure she means well but that's......super creepy. You're not going to lie to your kids. The one benefit they are going to get out of this is experience of a super common life problem. Makes me wonder about her.

Yeah she's kind of a bummer. Take care of yourself right now.

It doesn't hurt anyone else as much as it hurts you. Don't lose sight of that. BSs do this a lot. Project their pain and take care of others at their own expense. It sucks for everyone; but no one else had their head in a toilet wben they discovered sexual stuff. No one else has flashbacks to times he looked you in the eye and lied.

Now, granted, she sounds veeeeeery emotional but it just makes me think something else is going on with her. Talk of a cover up? Check. Jealousy of your 'freedom' from this? My guess is she's been a B.S. herself, but was too chicken to expose. But I'd need more clues, and we already know she's bad for your plan B anyway.

So sorry you are having a bad day, amac. I promise it won't always be like this.

There has been a few times during this that my MIL has done things that made me look at her differently. I dont think she is a BS, though. At the beginning when I first found out and both of us were on the fence about what to do she gave me every example she could think of about marriage with affairs that have worked out. In fact, WH's grandfather (dad's side) who WH himself said was an SOB, had a whole other family basically, but in the end choose to stay with WH's grandmother, and MIL says they were happy. She gave me other examples of things that have happened in her marriage that they survived, so I don't think she would have hidden it. But she has def encouraged covering up the truth (not of the affair actually, she exposed it to all of WH's siblings before I was even ready to) but I know she has lied to me about things with him, and vice versa. Lying really is just not acceptable to me on any level.

I do think she wants freedom from this situation. I think the back and forth has been hard for her too and she just wants it to be done so she doesn't have to deal with the situation. We both need the Plan B.