Love how the adrenaline likes to wake me up for no reason at 3am, ugh.

Well, yesterday was a quiet day. Other then my IM making sure the babysitter was doing the exchanges there was nothing. I figured it was possible that OW did not get my email because she blocked me, so I forwarded it to OWBH asking if she got it and to please make sure she did. He has not responded.

Im happy to say im in a much better place after this exposure then last time. I keep trying to think of a quote of some kind that says something about what its like to live your worst fear and then finding out it wasn't that bad after all. The shock of all this is wearing off, and I think that was the most painful part for me. Being betrayed, divorced, a single mom, I'm living these things i feared, but I am still happy and grateful for the life I have.

My remaining fear though, sharing my kids with this version of WH. The custody proposal he sent wants them 50% starting in Feb. This is unimaginable to me, to only see my children 50% of the time. I'm telling myself not to get hung up on it until it actually is going to happen. WH is crazy to think he could jump from 5% to 50% that quickly so I dont think it will happen that soon. In all honesty, a big part of my motivation to contact OWBH is because I want him to kick her out and divorce her. If the affair doesn't end, then at least she will be free to totally consume WH and I'm guessing he won't want the kids 50% of the time and best case scenario go live out in the desert with her. Right now he is all alone in his [censored] apartment while she is living 50 miles away with her millionaire husband so of course he wants the kids more.

I can't think of a single example where the wayward actually kept up a decent amount of time with the kids. They are in chaos mode regardless of situation with OW. Just push for the deal you want..

You need to let the people you work with know what is going on so that they can support you. They will admire your assertiveness and no nonsense attitude in letting everybody know you don't want to take his calls.

Thanks Indie, that is comforting to hear.

I'm feeling a bit bombarded lately by associates of WH, not anything overt, just lots of little attempts at contact in a short period of time from people who have been silent over the last few months. His best friend and best man at our wedding messaged me on facebook saying happy new year and to let him know if I need anything. I exposed to him in June but we have not talked since then, but I know he has been in contact over the last few months with WH and trying to be of some influence on him. I just said thanks and happy new year back, I do not want to open up a conversation.

Also WH's family has been reaching out more, my father in law, who has not contacted me since we separated and told my MIL to stop talking to me because he believes them being involved makes things worse, included me on a group text saying happy new year with all his children; except WH. I did not reply. I post pictures and daily updates about my kids on an app that my inlaws and WH's siblings have access to and suddenly they have all been commenting like crazy on it. I dont know what to do, frankly I would prefer to have no contact with any of them for the time being, though I do love them all I just dont want any reminders of WH right now, but I dont want to deprive them of seeing their grandkids. I know it would hurt them alot if I blocked them on the app.

I think WH has probably gone to far with all of them. Before my last exposure i think he was actively playing the "im so torn" card so they all thought they had a shot at influencing him. Now I think he has dug his heels in and they are finally prepared to disown him, something I wish they would have done months ago instead of coddling him.

Despite all this, WH has not sent in any of the declarations that were due, and has not contacted my attorney about overnights, but asked for one through my IM on new years day, which I said no to. He also asked to talk to my daughter on christmas through my IM, but again he was refused. I thought at least talking to OWBH would have made him mad enough to do something with the divorce, but no, I guess he just cant be bothered.

I know this is a sad time, but I think your plan is going well. Well enough to grieve and the large wounds are well enough for you to notice paper cuts.



Not your circus, not your monkeys.




Your plan is a bit leaky here. Your IM did right in refusing, but after swatting away that fly she should have forgotten it and you should not have heard a thing about it.




A waywards anger is very short lived, and inaction is very typical once they see a B.S. can't be bullied or gaslit. I would get used to this inaction and see it as a compliment to your plan.

Could you take a break from general social media for a while? If youre not ready to block people yet? Set up a different app or message thread for people you are truly intimate with so that when you do post something you know you can bear their replies.

On the existing app, you need not block WH's parents, just stop posting there and let it die out. Or make it less frequent, a way to mark holidays, landmarks and birthdays. After divorce, (and plan b is a trial run) they are going to need to rely on their son for a relationship with the kids, anything you give them is above and beyond.

What are you doing for yourself that's fun and nice?

Happy New Year Indie! I should have started my previous post by thanking you, and everyone else who has commented and given me guidance through this. Though sometimes the tone is brutal (as it should be) I am amazed at the compassion you all have to take the time to help us newly betrayed. I dont know where I would be without it.

I have explained to my sister now about parallel parenting so she understands that our time with the kids is to be completely separate and any requests that deviate from that are to be denied, and I dont need to hear about them. It's just scary for her I think because she doesn't know what the legal implications could be with denying him when it comes to the kids which is why she checked with me. Even she, who hates him more then I do, thinks this whole totally separation thing is short term and that eventually we will coparent. Its really frustrating that people just think eventually we should all just get along, no matter what has happened. Um sorry, no.

Thats a good idea about creating a separate app and slowly dying the other one down, but honestly I kind of want his parents to feel the reality of divorce as well, and you are right, it should all be on him. I had been planing to wait until WH filed for custody with the court, if he does that I think I have to block them, I'm sure they leak things to him about my life with the kids through that, and not that there is anything that could be used against me, it just makes me uncomfortable that he could find a way to distort anything.Anyway, my inlaws are probably the most delusional about the future, my MIL said to me in our last conversation she hoped when I get remarried we can "be one of those new age families that all still goes on family vacations together." HA! That's were WH gets his kool aid.

I'm afraid I am spoiling myself rotten. For NYE I got a spray tan (something I havnt done since my wedding) spent way to much on a new outfit, hired a babysitter to stay with my kids overnight and went out with friends and had an 8 course meal and partied on a rooftop overlooking the ocean. I cant deny there were some tears, only because my best friends husband got too drunk and kept bringing up WH and how he wants to go talk to hin. Despite that, I had a good time and am so glad 2017 is over. Things can only be better in 2018

Superb.

And it's a pleasure to help those with good sense and courage.

Yes!!!! It's like the entire world conspires to make infidelity seem like something you should just "get over" after sufficient time as passed - and that getting over it means you should interact with your wayward spouse as if he were a normal human being again, not a loony alien. And I guess that is when we are supposed to start saying things like "It just didn't work out", as if there were no fault involved, or it was some unavoidable chance event. Most people I speak to, even my mum, make me feel like refusing to directly interact with WH is some kind of perverse punishment or expression of unresolved anger. So I just don't mention it to anyone anymore.


I had a few reservations about totally cutting off my family in law, but now that I have, I feel so much better. Even just the deliberations about amount/type/justification for contact was dragging me down. So I decided to just cut it all out. I don't even answer the phone to them when they call to wish the kids happy birthday. When the kids are old enough to seek out these relationships for themselves, i'll support them. But I'm not going to jeopardise my emotional stability for the sake of WH's family.


That sounds fantastic!! 2018 will be much better, I am sure!

I have this feeling right now, I've had it 3 times in my life. The 1st is when I found the chats on WH's computer that confirmed the affair. He had taken the kids to work and I was home getting ready to leave and this feeling came and I felt possessed to look through his computer until I found something; and i did. The last time I got this feeling is when I talked to WH before thanksgiving in that 3 hour deal with the devil conversation. It's different then my other Plan B breaks, those were impulsive, this is a different feeling. Last time I got it I screamed and cried for an hour because I didn't want it, but its almost like a predetermination. I literally feel this urge coursing through my body. There is no imputes to it. I have had no contact and heard nothing about WH that would cause this to come about. I feel like an animal that needs to be caged to prevent myself from making contact. I will cage myself this time even though it is soooo hard and the feeling is one that makes me think I'm supposed to reach out to him. But I regret talking to him before thanksgiving so logically my head knows no good will come from contact and I won't be a slave to my emotions. But what is this feeling? Its so out of nowhere that it it tempting to think of it as some spiritual prompting but I guess the question would be, a prompting from whom, god or the devil?

When your feelings start telling you what you to do, just remember Jeremiah 17:9:

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?"

Your feelings will always lead you into the ditch because feelings have no logic and no intellect. Adult women control their feelings and rely upon their logic and reason. Teenage gurls follow their feelings.

Thanks Melody, exactly what i needed to hear! I have never before in any aspect of my life let emotions come before logic or even had the temptation. This is very new to me. But yes, as opposed to WH and OW I will not let my emotions control me. I said that to him once as well, you dont destroy lives based on a feeling.

When my daughter came home from visitation today her shirt was on backwards and she had different socks on. Then she started talking about wearing a dress and I realized WH had taken them to church today. At first I was horrified - how WH can sit in church with our children while doing what he is doing is appalling. I began calculating in my mind how I could out him to the church authorities so he can't just sit there and act like he is a normal person. The bishop where I live knows everything but since WH moved he would go to a new ward with a new bishop, and i think its very unlikely he has informed them of the situation or started the repentance process, which is one of my conditions for return. Maybe he has, who knows. After about 5 mins the horror and plotting dissipated, I am just so tired of it all. I dont care what he does.

My WH also took the kids to church on New Year's Eve and I had the same thoughts as you. But maybe it is a good thing. Listening to sermons does make you think about yourself and your situation. I'm sure they can't just sit there mentally patting themselves on the back for a life well lived, can they?!

I remember the feeling you describe so well; in need of being caged is a good description, I think I expressed it as needing to be tied down!

You had that almost irresistible urge, and you didn't act on it!

Even the best extinction burst your own inner addict can conjure is losing power. And an affront to you was soothed within 'five minutes' rather than taking away hour whole night.



I remember how you sounded when you got here. Tough and pumped up. You deserve more calm; you deserve what's round the corner.

You are confusing feelings with instincts.

I hope not! Thats what calmed me down actually, i thought, how long can he sit there before feeling like sh$t about himself, so go ahead and take them. Especially the mormon church where so much emphasis is placed on families and everyone there is a nuclear families with tons of kids. He would have to truly be a monster to sit there and not feel anything, but I wouldn't put it past him right now. Also, trying to get a 3 year old and 1 year old to sit quietly for an hour on his own, ha, I would have loved to see that. I'm guessing that church trip will be a one time thing. Nice try WH.

You're right. I was going to ask how you can tell the difference, but I realize now instincts are based on facts and logic, sometimes that we don't even realize that we are perceiving and connecting. My hunt for evidence of an affair was based on an instinct that came about because of facts; everything WH was saying and doing were text book of someone who is having an affair. The random impulses to contact have not been based on facts or reasons, just pure emotion.

I sure hope so, I think I'm starting to feel the effects of my frenzy. I need some peace and recharge.

Exactly! And to add to this, feelings are influenced by immediate outside events and instincts are usually from within and are a reaction to facts and evidence.