Sorry don't know how to quote but this is what i wrote after i talked to OWBH in December:
Ok just spoke to OWBH. He knew that its physical, knew that it was ongoing but didn't know she had been to his apartment. He knew that WH and I had talked and he tried to reconcile with me, but OW told him I didn't want him back. He says he has confronted my H in person. Sounds like she tells him everything which is sooo weird. He says she texts him right in front of him. OWH said he sent WH an email yesterday saying to stay away and OW confirmed he got it. This is so strange. She clearly is able to get her cake and eat it too, so why would she ever stop?

Regardless of whether I should have contacted or not, I did. So now what?

I am not sure what you mean.

You told us this on 1-11-2018:

�Its really fun to see your H's adulterous hotel charges on his bank account documentation that he is required to send to the court. Wish there was a way for me to avoid looking at them, but I have to ensure he isnt hiding things. ]Ugh. OWBH told me that OW said they havnt had sex since August, I knew that was a lie, but now I have proof. If OWBH actually gave a damn about his wife lying and cheating on him I would send it to him, but no, I know it wont make a differnce and he will continue to enable the affair. I am so angry at hi..�

THAT is why we told you to expose the hotel bill to the OWH.

Yes that is what he told me. I gave him the hotel bill and admittedly berated him a bit for enabling the affair, hence his response. This is what I wrote back to him:

Thanks for responding. I'm sorry if my email came off as hostile towards you. We both have the same goal of not wanting our spouses to ruin their lives, and the lives of our children. My approach is to let them have each other and face the consequences. It will not survive reality, but as long as they get to continue in this affair mode it could last forever.� I think they are both really messed up in the head, and like I said, neither is marriage material right now.� I believe WH is a sex addict, but he will not get help and change as long as OW is there to shield him from the rock bottom he needs to hit.� This has nothing to do with me wanting him back as a husband, it is because he is my childrens father and they deserve someone so much better the the man he has become.� Your children deserve better then the woman she is now as well.� All I know is, I do not want to be with the man WH is now, but I want their destructive relationship to end in the hopes that he will then try to better himself and become someone I want to be with. It will take much more then a knock on the door, and he knows this, which is why OW appears to be the path of least resistance for him.�

We need to be allies. I know our communication causes disruption in both of our lives but some things are important to tell each other. Please send me the explicit texts you referenced. OW sent screen shots to my sister, saying there is a 3rd woman as a way to get me to back off, but the texts were not overly explicit and WH has written them off as "just chatting.' He �needs to be confronted at some point with proof that it is more then that. If you have that please send it.�

Most of the things you told me I already knew from talking to OW brother in July, so please dont hold back because of fear of how it will make me react.� I did not know they have exposed our children to each other. That is completely unacceptable. I have not agreed to let WH have our kids overnight for this reason. Any custody agreement I make will not be done without a stipulation that the children not be exposed to significant others until our divorce is final and there has been 1 year of a continuous dating relationship.� Im glad you will be fighting that as well.

I think our communication should not be hidden from them. If they want a life together they have to accept that they cannot prevent us from talking.�

If there is anything you want or need from me I will share it or do it. I will do anything to prevent my children having a father like this.

Amac, what would be the point of asking him for texts? I would back off now. The goal of making sure he knew they were sleeping together has been achieved!

MIL had asked for them before to confront him with it, when the divorce is final and he can�t retaliate against me for sending them to her . I don�t think she should wait, he can always do something to retaliate at me whether we are divorced or not. He will never admit the extent of his problems without proof. I need as much evidence as possible, and I may use it to keep him from getting custody. I know a judge may not care but if WH knows I could bring up this issue in open court in front of lawyers and judges he knows it may deter him from fighting me.

First off, he doesn't need to admit the extent of his so-called problems, he already knows he is a cheater. And secondly, how do you intend on blackmailing him if you are in Plan B? You continually come up with these blackmail schemes but you shouldn't be blackmailing him, nor can you blackmail someone when you are in Plan B! This not helping you at all.

Is your attorney even trying to get primary custody? I wasn't aware you were even working on that.

None of it would be through me. I would just send the proof to my mother in law. I told my attorney my concerns with what the children could be exposed to and he agreed this type of info could go in the pleading documents if WH tries to fight for more custody, and my attorney can tell him we have this evidence if he communicates with him that he wants more time. As of now, WH just has visitation, no overnights, and there are no court orders in place.

But, you have not even asked for full custody so I don't understand what you are doing. Why not just ask for full custody then? Why WAIT?

Nothing in the OWBH's email is suprising bizarre or anything else. You now know that he is fully aware the affair has been an ongoing PA so that's crossed off the list. Next.

The only thing that I see as a problem is this is the equivalent of a Plan B break - and your Plan B was already shaky at best.

You need to go back to the drawing board - look at the posts we posted to you back in October and November when you had Plan B breaks - to help you get back on track.

None of the custody/blackmail stuff you have posted makes any kind of sense to me. (wanting OW adopting paperwork - saying that you can refuse more time claiming that your WH doesn't want to pay, etc)

I am very concerned that some of the things are actions that could backfire on you, such as saying you will call OWBH every time your WH asks for more time. You do not want to do things like this. You want to be able to always point to your behavior as "acting in the kids' best interest". You do not want it to look like you are enmeshing parenting time with other issues.

In the final divorce settlement what will the parenting plan look like? 50/50? You as primary? Have you discussed that at all with your attorney?

Amac, if you are really sure his parents need to hear more, why don't you give your in laws contact details to OWBH? It looks like he is in plan A, whereas you are in plan B. This is actually the exact approach Dr H recommends for husbands, to fight for their wives because this approach is more successful with women.

Your H is also sounding like an OM who could easily be chased off by a Plan Aer. He's already cheating on OW, he would dump someone whose husband continues to be problematic for easier targets.

As others have said, you don't want to mix up affair fighting with custody issues. Just focus on a straight fight where there is no suggestion of tit for tat! That will backfire and you can't negotiate with a drunk!

It's also terrible plan Bing:

If you fight the affair, you risk meeting his needs and reassuring the cake eating side of his nature. But really you just need to focus on yourself anyway.

If you want this done, I would just pass on details to OWBH as is usually done in exposure. He can be a thorn in the side without flattering WHs vanity.

Because I do not want to upset the status quo. Right now I have the house and full control of the kids. I am fine with him having the limited visitation he does now, but will not allow more in his current state and will fight him if he tries to get it.

Of course this was a Plan B break, which is why i didn't want to do it. Believe me I want Plan B.

My inlaws need to see proof. They are in denial about what he is and will not believe what OWBH tells them. They think OW is the root of all evil as OWH and OW family believe my H is.

As he said in the email, he has confronted my H 4-5 times and his response was he will "never stop contacting her." This does not seem like someone who is going to be easily scared off.

I did not want to do this, I did not want to continue fighting the affair, but I did. OWBH probably won't email me back anyway.

I understand now about not being reactive, so I won't coincide communication with OWBH with custody disputes.

We are not even close to a final divorce settlement because WH only participates in the divorce when I contact anyone from OW side, and then its half-[censored] stuff that doesn't even meet the legal requirements. I have told my attorney I want to maintain the status quo as long as possible and if WH meets my requirements then he could have 1 overnight a week, but WH has not made any contact with my attorney for more custody, hence we remain as is.

I plan to move the divorce forward by petitioning for bifurcation at the end of the month when I have reached the 6 month date. I will be speaking my attorney about this next week. It could be years before the custody and financial aspects are done and it is in my best interest to delay those parts anyway because I have everything now and it will just be his demanding his share. With bifurcation I get my status as a single person and all the other issues will remain open until WH decides he wants to deal with them. I believe he will do that when he is desperate for money and I can make him a low ball offer.

One of the great gifts of exposure is learning this stuff about people. If this is who they are, proof will not change that. They will find excuses. This information needs to be accepted, not changed. You will need to consider their enabling influence IF you ever recover, or if they exert similar influences towards your kids. It's ok to leave them and WH to their fate here. Let it play out. Dose of reality were your words; they were good ones.



Eh, maybe. But it's been said before by waywards who dropped the OP like a hot brick days after this vow when the trouble suddenly started not just to outweigh the fun but to obliterate it. A wayward saying his love is forever....is not a new or unusual phenomenon.

All right, I think you are twisting some of this up.

Nobody wants you to break Plan B. You said that the OWBH didn't know this was an ongoing PA. I know you pulled out something you told us a while back about OWBH knowing everything - but, amac, we can't keep all this straight. We gave you that advice based on what you told us now.

Once you knew the BH knew, then all this further emailing, asking for proof and talks of blackmail is all a further continuation of Plan B break that no one here is endorsing.