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I am in full agreement with it "taking radical changes" Melodylane. totally Has he made those changes? Has he stopped cheating? Made his life so transparent that he can't cheat anymore? What are the changes he has made?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ruby, are you married to this man?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes ML. Married 14 years together 17 total
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I am in full agreement with it "taking radical changes" Melodylane. totally Has he made those changes? Has he stopped cheating? Made his life so transparent that he can't cheat anymore? What are the changes he has made? I would also like to know what precautions he has put in place. And who all have you exposed this to? Has he stopped traveling?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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The reason I asked is because you posted 12.5 years ago on 6-29-2005 said: "Not tieing the knot anytime soon. and "He's living with me, as is his 17 yr old,� In the same thread you also mentioned you knew he was involved in porn and actively seeking women: "There is a more to our story, incidents of porn, email accounts newly set up, online dating sites.......again, Redflags. So I'm just observing and making mental notes." Is this the same guy?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Omg....send me the whole link? Can u email it to me?
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Im about to go to work.ill check in wjen i can
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Were any of the OW married? Do you have children? I don't see any answers to these questions. Maybe I missed it.
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I would also like to know what precautions he has put in place. And who all have you exposed this to? Has he stopped traveling?
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I know this was asked, but you never answered. Have you been tested for STD/STI?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Are there any members on this forum whose spouse is addicted to sex. Be it online affairs, searching for hookups on pages like craigslist, backpage, Ashley Madison, chatrooms, etc etc? I ask because my H is an addict. I've left our marital home since Oct of 2017. Our marriage is huge crisis. We are being interviewed with a CSAT next week (certified sex addiction therapist) to see if he will accept us into a 3 day couples intensive. It's a 6k investment. H balked at first because he has to take multiple polygraphs and disclose all of his indiscretions, infidelities etc. Well, He ended up emailing me all of his infidelities, affairs and inappropriate activities. Your WH sounds like any other serial cheater. Serial cheaters *are* addicts - they are addicted to getting needs met outside of the marriage and they have an addiction to their SSL (secret second life). The tools that you would need to deal with these issues are right here on this site. Going to therapy and talking about childhood problems will not help your WH to make the radical lifestyle changes that are necessary here. I've spoken to Dr Harley about this personally and he did not encourage therapy or say that it would help my exWH to give up his marriage-wrecking behavior. He emphasized that my exWH needed to change the conditions that enabled him to cheat - and make it impossible, including changing his job so that we would be together 24/7 etc. You should utilize Dr. Harley's principles - with the help of this forum to present a plan to your husband on how to affair proof the marriage, which includes a radical lifestyle change and see if he is willing to get on board. If there is any waffling whatsoever, you should just start your Plan B/separation preparations.
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H was sexually molested at the age of 6 by an Uncle. Exposed to his dads girly mags at the age of 10. Needless to say this trauma has affected him throughout his life. He has been leading a double life right under my nose. Plenty of people who are molested or had otherwise bad childhoods do NOT cheat. Plenty of people who had NO trauma in their childhoods DO cheat. I've seen betrayed spouses on here going on and on about how their WS's cheating was because of x, y and z issues (non-childhood related). Wayward spouses, in general, will latch on to almost any excuse to avoid taking responsibility for their marriage-wrecking behavior. It is a big mistake to focus on these excuses (regardless of what they are). Going to therapy to deal with personal issues usually just leads to more WS self-focus and playing the victim card vs shifting the focus back that marriage. We've seen it many many times on this forum, ruby. I honestly don't bother helping posters that have a WS going to IC because I know that recovery is not going to happen based on what I have seen on these forums and my own experience.
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We havent had any marital problems ML.  If your marriage is not affair proofed, the rest of it does not matter.
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Holy cow, I Should have walked away.
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Holy cow, I Should have walked away. Sorry, we do not pat people on the back here when we see them standing on the train tracks, about to get hit again.
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Holy cow, I Should have walked away. And by the way, it is very rude to throw this dig out when people have spent time trying to help you. We're not here to tell you what you want to hear. We are volunteers who take time out of our day to help because we believe in MB and it's helped us out in our own marriages.
Last edited by SusieQ; 02/11/18 12:21 PM.
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Holy cow, I Should have walked away. No, you should not have walked! We are here to support, not enable PlanRuby. Keep in mind that you have no experience at this, Dr Harley DOES. This is why I asked you to put aside your own ideas about recovery and keep an open mind.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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