P.S. has your husband been tested for STDs? Have you?

Ruby, I just wanted to get back your question in the original post. Dr. Harley has saved many marriages of serial cheaters and sex addicts. He helped them by teaching them his program.

We aren't going to you any advice other than that given by Dr. Harley. But it doesn't seem like that is what you want. We aren't here to share personal philosophies, but to help you with his concepts - that DO WORK.

Melodylane, I totally get that. I'm not bucking these principles. I've worked and understand the principles here. I've worked them with my Husband. I value all his principles. I was merely asking if other people here were dealing with addictions. Sex addiction is real. I lived it. Nothing more nothing less. I apologize in advance for even putting this dr.'s name out. Wasn't my intention to remotely steer anyone to him or his methods in dealing with people with childhood trauma. I'm sorry to have ruffled your feathers. I know that you have been a long time contributor on this site and your knowledge has helped so many here. I'll continue to work the principles. And yes, we are going to be taking extraodinary measures to safe proof our marriage against porn, prostitution, hookups. Otherwise we will never make it in our marriage and I will retain the attorney that I've already had consultation with. Please fill free to delete that post.

So anyway, I have shown you Dr. Harley's solution to sex addiction. We can help you with that if you want to implement his concepts. He has helped many people resolve that problem effectively.

To add: My H just took a huge step in disclosing all his indiscretions. A lot of courage on his part and willingness to admit that he has a problem that he is actually powerless over when he is in a compulsive state. He's truly sick and he knows it. On top of using the principles here...he must have accountability. Which will include a 12 step program. I personally don't think it's a one size fits all model in my Husbands case. He's claimed he's willing to do whatever it takes. Actions....I will only watch his actions. In interim, I'm focusing on my own self care. because now I have ptsd and betrayal trauma that I'm dealing with as well. There is much work to do. I just hope pray my H has the balls to do the work religiously. He will never be recovered...just one day at a time. and yes exposure has been implemented. Also, he is quitting his Job in 3 months as he will be vested with the company and able to take his pension in lump sum. His work put him on the road for months at a time. I'm sure more stuff will come out in the open when he takes the polygraphs. Biggest fight of our lives is unfolding.

we will need to implement several models of recovery Melody Lane. Harley's model will be one.

Have you read this and listened to the radio clips in here? Serial Cheaters

The best suggestion I can give to you is to put aside your inexperience about recovery and listen to Dr Harley. He knows how to save marriages. Our own best efforts have only served to wreck our marriages. It wasn't until I put aside my own "wisdom" and admitted that I did not know how to save my own marriage that my marriage changed. [I have been in a fully recovered, passionate marriage since 2007]
It doesn't appear you have experience either. You can have a great marriage too if you have the ability to keep an open mind and put aside your own ideas.

Marriage Builders has the FULL solution to your problem, but you have to use it.

What is his illness?

for some reason it can't seem to get it to play. Do you have another link to the call?

This is the reason he cheated. Temptation and opportunity. Divorce and adultery are epidemic in traveling jobs.

deleted.

It sounds to me like you are psychoanalyzing him and trying to make excuses for him. Why not leave that to the professionals?

Why not take off your psychiatrist hat and email Dr Harley? [a real doctor] You can reach him at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

It's okay Melodylane. I was just merely looking for a safe place...a safe place to put my situation out there. wondering if others might be in the same boat. I will continue working the priciples. but I wont be posting on this forum anymore. Be well....all of you in your recovery process. Carry on. I"m not excusing him for anything BTW.

maybe you should actually do some google ing on the subject at hand. Just saying. he either faces his demons or he doesn't . I'm in a actually good place via self care.

I mean this respectfully, but it seems one of the biggest problems in your marriage is your enabling. You have been putting up with his serial cheating for YEARS and here you are years later making silly excuses for him. He doesn't need your excuses; he needs to be held accountable.

My point is his childhood has about as much to do with his adult behavior as the price of tea in China. It is every cheaters DREAM to go sit in "therapy" for years on end so they can avoid making changes. Focusing on his childhood is a needless distraction from the present day problems. It also gives him excuses to use porn and engage in serial adultery. He is not SICK, he has bad habits. Hopefully, you don't waste valuable time in "therapy" that should be devoted to making behavioral changes. Serial cheating is not a "sickness," it is a destructive lifestyle choice. A lifestyle that will never change if he is wasting time in therapy.

It takes no "courage" to waste time sitting in therapy talking about the past. What takes "courage" is making radical changes in ones lifestyle. THAT takes courage. If I were you, I would not have anything to do with him until you see radical and meaningful changes in his life. You are NOT SAFE UNTIL THAT HAPPENI

I am in full agreement with it "taking radical changes" Melodylane. totally

how can I enable an addiction that I wasn't privy too....I had no fn clue the depth of his illness? He's sick. Just as an alcoholic is sick. I stand to believe that my sticking by his side vs deserting him isn't enabling him. I choose at this moment to stick by him....to work a program..programs. time will tell as will his actions.....and I can choose to leave the marriage or stay. I will not stay if he doesn't stay the course and choose sobriety.

The radio clips work for me. Have you tried playing them on another device?

Ruby, you mention desertion, I'm not sure why. You seem to think that if he's not a bona fide addict, you are honor bound to leave him; that's not the case at all. In fact, if he were subject to highly uncontrollable desires, such as a criminal level of sexuality, there'd be more reason to leave than if this were a resovable situation.

Let me put it this way; marriage builders puts forward the theory that everyone is wired for an affair. In certain situations, and travelling is one of them, this would happen to us all.

Sex addicts do exist, Dr Harley has written about them here. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8120_sex_addiction.html.
Just be careful about wrong classification since its easily done and turns a simple resolution into a second D day. Since its free to get Dr Hs opinion why not just ask and make sure?

You have put up with his cheating for how many years? And no, serial cheating is not a sickness. That is an excuse you are making for him.