Jason, I would tell your wife that you are going to "more than make this up to her." Don't speak a word about whether or not she will give you a chance. She can and will think about that on her own.

Then, using the principles of this program, you start being the best husband in the world - the best thing that ever happened to her. You start living a life of 100% transparency and accountability. You practice all of the extraordinary precautions that Dr. Harley recommends that make infidelity impossible. You make your wife aware of where you are and what you are doing at all times. You give her access to all your computers, phones, devices, all passwords, all bank accounts, etc. You let her know that she is willing to check up on you in any way.

You spend 15+ hours every week alone with your wife giving her your undivided attention, becoming her favorite conversation partner and showing affection to her. You spend another 15 hours every week with her and the children being the best father you can possibly be, in her presence. You never become demanding, disrespectful, or have an angry outburst. You practice complete radical honesty with your wife and you eliminate any behaviors you practice that she finds annoying or that she is not enthusiastic about.

If you will live this way, you will make so many love bank deposits that your wife will fall back in love with you, and the trauma that you have inflicted on her will be healed and will be nothing but a bad memory.

Now, your wife might choose to divorce you at any time. That is her choice. But until and unless that happens, you have the chance to make this up to her, and if you do, you will recover your marriage. You do not need to wait for her in any way. You do not need her to give you any opportunity. The fact that you are still legally married to her IS your opportunity - use it!!

Jason, are you listening to Dr. Harley's daily radio show? This is the schooling you are going to need to pull this off.

Okay I need to highlight some of this because it's gold.


This is your sales pitch really. People who have been betrayed need a big incentive to feel hopeful. Make it about how you are educating yourself here, how you are passionate about doing this for her, how you will never stop improving your skills here.


This helps avoid lovebusters. Learn about those herehttp://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

Talking about the forgiveness you want is a Selfish Demand. Talking about how she must/should feel is a Disrespectful Judgement and if you were to talk about how you feel I imagine that would be an Annoying Habit.

Keep it as a good sales pitch. A bright, honest picture of an ideal future. Without pressure because your product is good.

Would she post here? Betrayal is pretty lonely and it would help her to see it's not just her, it is something people come back from.

I told her. Yes she knows her. The OW is a counselor at our school.

What a wonderful person. Has she wrecked other families in your school? She would lose her license for committing adultery with a married colleague in many states.

What seems to predict succes rate in your situation is the effort you put in understanding the program and implementing it. The radio show is invaluable and if you listen to older shows, it will help you understand the plan you need to follow. Start with the shows other members recommended. Also, read other threads. So many people have posted their experience, learn from them, so you don't make common mistakes and your wife doesn't get hurt any more than she already is.

If you can motivate yourself to put effort in that, it will be more likely that you put effort in executing the plan to survive the affair and your marriage has a chance. If not, there is not much hope for your marriage.

So - are you?

Did you read my post?

Yes I read your post. As of now she is still really angry and doesn't want to talk to me a whole lot. I engaged in conversation with her yesterday for about an hour. Trust me I want to talk to her everyday. I have not listened to the radio show yet. I am installing the app as we speak. I will start to listen to the show. I can use all the pointers I can get.
I also wrote her a letter and I said that I was going to be a better man and a better husband. I have not said anything about us being better, I have taken all responsibility and I am working on being better for me and for her. Thank you for you help and guidance.

Definitely start to listen to the radio clips in the Just Compensation thread.

What did this hour long conversation consist of?

It's quite promising you're getting that

Basically how her day was. And we also talked about our kids and there sports. It felt like an hour. Probably was more like 40 min.

I like that you did that. But you need to send her a SOLID PLAN to affair proof your marriage and create a romantic relationship. Because she should not even consider taking you back until you get away from the OW. Your wife is not SAFE until that happens. I hope you understand the sense of urgency here. Going to work with the OW every day has to be a horrible trigger and threat to your wife should cause her to be very alarmed.

Going to work there every day with the OW is the equivalent of the alcoholic going into the bar every day. And of course they all "SWEAR" they will never drink again. [until they drink again]

What is the latest on your transfer?

I am writing the plan now. I watched the video and I have a plan to prevent re occurrence and I am writing a plan to fall in love now. My principal is looking into the transfer. As of now the OW is not at work. She is on leave for another few weeks.

Can you manage to go on leave if she comes back before you are gone?

Is the OW married? Why is she on leave? Does your wife know this?

Also, can you post your letter here so we can give you feedback? This program is very action/results oriented and we can help you with the letter.

Do both your line managers know that you have had an affair? That is surely gross professional misconduct. Has there been any mention of disciplining the pair of you? Surely the school board, or whoever is in charge, would take a dim view of a counsellor, appointed to support students during periods of emotional distress, who has such little sense of professionalism that she has an affair with a married teacher. I'm not saying that your conduct as that married teacher was any less reprehensible, but I'd have thought that her licensing authority would be very concerned about her working in a school, where she is assumed to have a position of trust, and where her client group is vulnerable children.

What does your line manager know about your reasons for requesting the transfer? Does he know about this misconduct? I would have thought that if he knew, he would be dealing with it as a matter of urgency, and as a matter of discipline.

No OW is not married. Widowed. My wife knows everything. Complete transparency. I would post the letter but i already gave it to my wife. I hand wrote it.

You wrote her a SECOND letter with a plan for recovery in it?

Even after a transfer, isn't it still going to be possible for you to see the OW since you'll both be working for the same school district?

Did you write your wife a big long letter asking her to give you a chance, after I encouraged you to "not speak a word about whether or not she will give you a chance"?

No. The letter consisted of how I was working to make myself better. never once asking for a chance or forgiveness. Owning my mistakes and poor choices and the steps I am taking to be better for me, her and the kids.

I have not written a second letter. I have written a plan for recovery as far as a plan to fall in love and a plan to avoid re occurrence. Should I give her a copy of that?