Right, I dont take their hating on each other as an indication of the end, that im sure has been done before.

Honestly, I know WH did not end the affair because of love for me. In fact if he professed that to me I would find it insincere. He ended it because he could not live with the shame anymore and knew it was wrong, regardless of what happens with us. Funny story actually, he thought I had a boyfriend named "Caleb" for months. When he spoke to my parents he told them he knew he would probably not get another chance with me because of "Caleb." I dont know anyone named Caleb, so that was confusing. My 3 year old daughter has a boyfriend at school named "Caleb" and would say things to WH about him, and he thought she was talking about me having a boyfriend. I feel that yes, he hoped that by ending his affair and aplogizing to my parents it would give us another chance, but I think he did those things knowing he might not. That makes me more secure because I know in the days ahead we will question if we have love for each other, and if that were the reason he ended his affair he could think he made a mistake. Ending it for the reasons he did I think will make him stronger in his decision.

Yes, work is the biggest concern for me too. WH does not have a direct line at work, all calls go through a reception so he said reception can screen the calls, and will only pass on calls for him of actual clients, but I really dont want to trust a receptionist with that. If she says this is "xyx, a client of WH" then she's in, im sure they wont evaluate the veracity of every caller, but I dont know what else to do. Any ideas?

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The answer to the question about if you have love for each other is NO. Creating romantic love after an affair is a critical component of recovery.

I wouldn't overthink it. Dr Harley realizes that sending the letter may set off an emotional OP and still suggests the NCL be sent. If the OW is able to get through to your WH after she gets the letter, then it means you guys still have work to do with EPs.

This is an important first step for the WS. To see if he is willing to provide just compensation to the BS. Is your WH willing to send the letter?

Yes, 100% agree. I feel love for him, and I think he does for me, but it is not romantic love right now.

By mail? Email scares me...I will ask him to do it.

Yes, it is supposed to be mailed, not emailed.

The NC letter is a gesture of love, the first one before the love bank is rebuilt. It's JC for the disrespect he showed before.

Stirring the pot is all relative. Exposure is stirring the pot. So is cutting off a WS in plan B. It's ok to piss people off as long as you are strategic and thorough. An NC letter is completely different language than what the drama llamas are used to so it acts as a douse of cold water. Anyway, if she's going to bubble up again you want that particular explosion to be controlled and the timing to be of your choosing. Before you get too cosy.



Do the receptionists just put people through or do they say 'Its John Doe on the line for you, Mr Amac' ? Because sending people through unnannounced completely negates the point of having a receptionist. It's a reasonable request that receptionists do that and he could refuse any calls that aren't announced/names he recognises. He could also give her name to reception as a crazy faux client who must not get through at all costs.

Still not great though. Hmm.

If she's going to try it, she'll probably do it on receipt of the NC letter. You could time the poly for some time after that because it will check for any recent contact that he hasn't disclosed to you.

Brillant suggestions! I feel better about the NC letter now as a test case, if he is going to fail better to happen early on then down the road.

How are things going? What happened with the NCL?

Things are pretty good. I spoke to WH about the NCL over the weekend, he says he will do it. I plan on sitting down with him and doing it tonight. We were with his family all weekend and got back into town late last night so didn't have an opportunity to do it. I'm feeling a bit overwhwhelmed with having so much to do in terms of the EPs and sorting out our life, while at the same time making quality time for us. Its like I want everything done immediately and its just not possible. I think I need to make a schedule/timeline about what things will be done and when. Actually, I will write it below, so you guys can tell me if there are certain things that should be prioritized. And I will list the things that have been done.

Done:
1. Phone # changed.
2. Got and changed all email, itunes, phone passwords.
3. Webwatcher placed on WHs phone
4. We have switched cars, WHs car is a trigger for him and I'm ok with it.

To do:

1. NCL - written tonight, I will mail it tomorrow.
2. Conference with my lawyer tomorrow for post nup - this will take some time im afraid, hoping to get it signed by next week
3. Im going to WH work during lunch tomorrow, will meet everyone and check out the phone/internet situation.
4. Lie detector - when should I do this? I know we cant really focus on recovery without it, but I do like the idea of giving it some time after the NCL. But I think maybe before the post nup is signed.
5. STD testing - I would like this done by the end of the week, ironically our anniversary is 4/21, so needs to be before then. MIL plans to fly down and watch the kids so we can go away for the weekend.

On top of this we have to vacate WH's apartment, sell his limited furniture, etc. and be out by Sat. Also, I have this whole life I have created that I feel guilty about just abandoning. I'm supposed to go to happy hour with friends on friday, paddle boarding with other friends sat. These are people that have supported me so much, I just hate to suddenly start flaking on everyone, but I know they would understand. How do you balance all this?

This is probably what I would have been like. Since its you and not me I'm going to remind you that this is his just compensation to do. He should be doing the lions share of the emotional labour, and if he is just cut yourself a break. There are snoopings and mailings you have to do as a BS but feeling so responsible for everything? It isn't really your mess to clear up.

Like you said, you have another life waiting anyway.

Oh and swapping cars isn't a bad band aid, but as a long term solution throw it into the sea. Off a cliff.

I kid, but triggers are invisibly stressful.


You're going through a huge life adjustment. People get it! The people who matter don't mind and the people who mind don't matter.

Besides given the divorce/infidelity/general evil rates out there you're going to be an invaluable source of wisdom as a friend. You'll pay it forward just put on your own oxygen mask first.

Have you read this and listened to the radio clips in it? What is Just Compensation?

Yes, I have a few times. Thanks BH.

NCL mailed off today

Could you post a copy of it?

hm he hand wrote it, I should have taken a picture. I'll try to remember, not word for word exact....

"OW

Separating myself from you over the last two weeks has brought clarity to my life and I realize now how destructive our relationship was to me, amac, my children, family, and you. It has cost me a year of memories with my family that I will never be able to get back. I feel alot of shame and guilt for the hurt that it caused. It was an indulgence they did not deserve. I will be making amends to amac, our children, my family and friends for the rest of my life. I will never contact you again and ask that you do not contact me. Please respect my wishes.

WH

I had the first hard day yesterday. We cleaned out most of WH (hopefully FWH) apartment over the weekend and then I went over during my lunch yesterday to do a few things and made it my mission to clean out any signs of OW. WH had a bag in a closet that had a few photos, cards. They were disposed of, but I did look at them first. When I was looking at them I didn't feel that bad, in fact I was glad in some ways, most of the things WH said to OW he has said to me in the past. It wasn't like he was suddenly this super romantic person with her. I also found some cards still in their wrapper, which I could tell based on what they were that he had bought them for me. I think he really did love us both. So hard for me to comprehend that. I felt pretty sick after going through it though. I probably shouldn't have, but I would much rather have been the one to do it then WH.

WH seems to be fog-less. Huge difference from the 3 week false recovery last year so I am fairly confident there has been NC. We haven't started the regimented recovery yet, I haven't talked to him yet about MB. I want to make sure it's really done with OW. No evidence so far of contact. I do look at her facebook page and she is posting stupid things about "life recovery," but still has her cover photo declaration of love for my WH up. I want that down! I would think that she would be bitter and remove it, so why she hasn't gives me pause. But she does have it tattooed on her body also and told her H its for him, so i'm trying not to place much into it until I found evidence to the contrary.

We are going away for our anniversary this weekend. I'm still struggling a bit with the balance. There are a few hard conversations that I'm anxious to have, but I want us to have a nice time together this weekend. We both have said that after our anniversary we will formalize the plan. I think that's when I'll have him do the poly as well.

That NCL looks perfect

Ok, so I think you need to block her on Facebook. You're only going to collect triggers there. Contact OWH or use your snooping tools to verify contact.