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Just looked into Webwatcher, which Brainhurts recommended to another poster. I think I'm going to do that .Anyone have any experience with it?
Do I tell WH that is on his phone, I'm guessing not? Nope any snooping you do he should be unaware of.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I think the affair is finally over. WH ended it. My parents were visiting for Easter so my Mom did the exchange last night and WH asked to speak to her and my Dad. He apologized to them and spoke of his regret, said he was willing to do whatever it takes. They believe he is sincere. I would never have expected him to do this, he has always run from things, I thought he would never have the guts to face them. I met him later and do believe he is sincere. Here is the plan:
1) He has to sign a post nuptial agreement that gives me the house and I keep my pension in the event of divorce. My lawyer is working on it now.
2) We deleted his social media this morning, he gave me passwords to all accounts
3) I have his phone right now, we are meeting at lunch to change his phone number and get a new phone for him - he is agreeable to a flip phone for the time being, but Im wondering if I should do an iphone that is has alot of restrictions or that I can monitor? I would like to be able to track him and that is the easiest way, I can't do that with a flip phone. Let me know what you guys suggest about this.
4) We plan to leave Friday to go to his parents in Seattle. I know we have to get away from any temptation for him and we need the time together.
5) I want to do the lie detector- I really do not need details of the affair, i feel I know everything. But I do want to get the whole history of any others. He says she is his only PA, though he has the chatting problem. Please let me know what other things you think are important to ask in this
He will continue at the job he has been at since November for now. It is 2 hours from OW, 30 mins from were we live.
I can't think of anything else. I want to plug every avenue. Please let me know what else we should do in as much detail as possible. I agree completely about the poly. Stand firm. The affair was caused by chat rooms so that's your focus really. Off the top of my head, the gap seems to be that he would probably have computer access at work. So he would need to find a way of being transparent with it. One idea could be that he gets rid of any PC in his office, using his own laptop which you could monitor. You'd also be able to visit his office whenever, like at lunch.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Thanks, Indie! Can't believe we are actually at this point. I did not think it would happen, and I was ok with that. Im already exhausted with the hard work ahead, but I know it will be worth it if we can do it.
I like the work laptop idea. I plan to be visiting WH very soon, its cute actually, he is very excited to have me meet everyone at his new office.
When do you think is good to start talking to him about the MB concepts? We are both eager to start work on the marriage, I actually bought the audio of SA to give to him when we first separated (as my headline states, ha!) but never did for obvious reasons. I'm kind of protective of this place though, you guys have been my safe haven, I dont know that I'm ready for him to know about this quite yet.
BW (Me): 39
FWH: 39
DD: 5
DS: 3
D-Day 1: 5/8/17
Plan B started: 6/19/17
For real: 11/13/17-4/3/18
Affair ended: 3/25/18
DD 2: 2/14/20
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He will continue at the job he has been at since November for now. It is 2 hours from OW, 30 mins from were we live. Bravo!!! This is good news, but proceed with caution. I would not drop the divorce until you are sure. There is no harm in letting it linger for now. He should send SKANKY a no contact letter. My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent. [from SAA, pg 58] OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, XXXXX
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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When do you think is good to start talking to him about the MB concepts? We are both eager to start work on the marriage, I actually bought the audio of SA to give to him when we first separated (as my headline states, ha!) but never did for obvious reasons. I'm kind of protective of this place though, you guys have been my safe haven, I dont know that I'm ready for him to know about this quite yet. As soon as you feel sure the affair is over, bring him here. Before you come, ask the moderators to move your thread to the storage bin and start a new thread. I would ask him to register a screen name and start a thread. You are at a critical place, you can follow this program and create a romantic, affair proof marriage or you can have a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage. There are no shortcuts and recovery does not happen by magic.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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P.S. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. Don't commit until you are absolutely certain the affair is over. I would also call the OWH and tell him about this. You need to help each other now more than ever.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks Melody! I am definitely caution. WH wrote a break up email on his own a few days ago, before he apologized to my parents. I saw it in his sent email box.
So I should contact OWH and tell him that the affair is over and WH is back at home? I really want them just out of my life and to never talk or think about them again. Why do I need to contact him? He has never been good at sharing info with me. I want to be done with all the drama!!
I will bring WH here when the the post nupt is signed and i am sure of everything. I think that will be good.
So thankful to have this place to come to with a plan!
BW (Me): 39
FWH: 39
DD: 5
DS: 3
D-Day 1: 5/8/17
Plan B started: 6/19/17
For real: 11/13/17-4/3/18
Affair ended: 3/25/18
DD 2: 2/14/20
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So I should contact OWH and tell him that the affair is over and WH is back at home? I really want them just out of my life and to never talk or think about them again. Why do I need to contact him? He has never been good at sharing info with me. I want to be done with all the drama!!
! No drama!! Just compare notes with him and verify it is over. You need to make sure the OW knows it is done.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I've been reading your thread; I'm so happy things are getting better for you and your husband. I've been praying for weeks and plan to continue praying. Take care 
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Thank you KarenCJ, nice to hear
BW (Me): 39
FWH: 39
DD: 5
DS: 3
D-Day 1: 5/8/17
Plan B started: 6/19/17
For real: 11/13/17-4/3/18
Affair ended: 3/25/18
DD 2: 2/14/20
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He should send SKANKY a no contact letter. 
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Thanks Melody! I am definitely caution. WH wrote a break up email on his own a few days ago, before he apologized to my parents. I saw it in his sent email box.
! This was a no contact letter? What did it say?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Amac, I am happy that your WH has ended the A and is willing to work on recovery. However I really want to caution you about getting too excited over this. I can feel the excitement in your posts. I think a lot of BS's spend months and even years thinking about their WS ending the A, and when they do, it seems like victory. But the reality is that ending the A is just the beginning of a long process of recovery. The recovery process is difficult and does not happen overnight. Right now your WH has ended the A, and has agreed to do anything, but when the dust settles and the reality of that hits him, he may waver. And right now you are excited because it seems like the war was won, but when the dust settles and the reality of recovery hits you, you are going to go from excited to angry, resentful, etc. I just want you to be realistic about this and know that even if he has ended the A, you have a long road ahead of you and you may still decide somewhere along the line that divorce is the better option.
Do not cut corners with recovery. Your WH was actively seeking A's online, that makes him very dangerous. You cannot cut corners, you need to make it impossible for him to continue this behavior.
Follow through with the polygraph. It is very important for you to have the full facts before moving into recovery. It may seem now like the A is over, and you just want to get your life back...but I guarentee you that not knowing the truth will keep you from full recovery. Just get it all out on the table now so you know what you are recovering from.
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They were pretty hateful in all their contacts with each other toward the end, but in essence he told her they were not compatible and to "stop bothering him." She called him when I was with him and I answered the call, she started saying awful things to me and I put her on speaker so WH could hear, he told her he was moving on with his life and it was done with her and hung up. We changed his number yesterday. I think its as clear as it can be, but I know it wont stop her, she is crazy. She will lie low for awhile and then try to pop back up somehow.
BW (Me): 39
FWH: 39
DD: 5
DS: 3
D-Day 1: 5/8/17
Plan B started: 6/19/17
For real: 11/13/17-4/3/18
Affair ended: 3/25/18
DD 2: 2/14/20
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Thanks Unwritten, do my posts seem excited? I really dont feel "excited," i am trying to be optimistic because I think that is what both WH and I need right now. But I know it will be exactly as you said, going from excitement, to angry, resentful. I told WH that this is going to be harder then the last 9 months, and I know that is true. I agree, I may decide divorce is the better option but I know I would always regret it if I did not give this a chance when I believe WH is sincere in his desire to change, while fully recognizing that he may fail. After Plan B I feel much better about the prospect of divorce now, I know my kids and I will be ok no matter what happens and I will not hesitate to go that route if needed. Im actually glad things happened the way they did, if he had come back right away i think if he failed a second time it would be very devastating, right now I already know what the other side of the fence looks like.
100% agree about the poly, it is a necessity. Will do it when we are back from Seattle or it might be better there if i can find someone.
BW (Me): 39
FWH: 39
DD: 5
DS: 3
D-Day 1: 5/8/17
Plan B started: 6/19/17
For real: 11/13/17-4/3/18
Affair ended: 3/25/18
DD 2: 2/14/20
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They were pretty hateful in all their contacts with each other toward the end, That is normal for affairs. I would not take this as an indication that it is really over or that your WH will not be drawn back to her. I *think* you know this - but just in case... She called him when I was with him and I answered the call, she started saying awful things to me and I put her on speaker so WH could hear, he told her he was moving on with his life and it was done with her and hung up. We changed his number yesterday. I think its as clear as it can be, but I know it wont stop her, she is crazy. I would wait to see what MelodyLane (and others) think but to me, it sounds like the NC letter still needs to be sent.
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They were pretty hateful in all their contacts with each other toward the end, but in essence he told her they were not compatible and to "stop bothering him." She called him when I was with him and I answered the call, she started saying awful things to me and I put her on speaker so WH could hear, he told her he was moving on with his life and it was done with her and hung up. We changed his number yesterday. I think its as clear as it can be, but I know it wont stop her, she is crazy. She will lie low for awhile and then try to pop back up somehow. Hmmm. That sounds more like a dramatic spat and like the kind of exchange affairees have probably had numerous times before. The no contact letter makes it clear that it isn't about her. It isn't about 'compatability''. It spells out that it is about his love for you. It spells out that the whole thing was wrong. Best of all it's a one way communication she can't respond to.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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i am trying to be optimistic because I think that is what both WH and I need right now. I'm not saying you are wrong in trying to be optimistic - everyone copes with things differently. But I think if we're being realistic, we need to point out that this is only Day 1 of NC. Dr Harley has written about how men can recover their marriages, fall back in love with their wives and still fall back into the affair if there is any contact. I'm concerned about the phone/email situation at work. I'm assuming the OW knows where your WH works and has contacted him there. What are you guys going to do to address that?
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They were pretty hateful in all their contacts with each other toward the end, That is normal for affairs. I would not take this as an indication that it is really over or that your WH will not be drawn back to her. I *think* you know this - but just in case...[/quote] Agree with Susie, he needs to send her a no contact letter. That is a good will gesture towards YOU.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I guess even the thought of NC letter terrifies me, because it is contact! Im afraid it will be stirring the pot, giving her something to react to or she might think he is trying to get her to react when I dont know what the point would be.
I understand that it would be good for her to hear that he is ending it because of love for me, but I think she would think he doesn't mean it and its just something im forcing him to do, so it wouldn't have that impact anyway.
BW (Me): 39
FWH: 39
DD: 5
DS: 3
D-Day 1: 5/8/17
Plan B started: 6/19/17
For real: 11/13/17-4/3/18
Affair ended: 3/25/18
DD 2: 2/14/20
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