Had a great anniversary weekend with (F?)WH. So strange. It feels like it did when we were first dating. Instead of the affair and the events of the last year always being in my mind like I would have assumed, it was the opposite. I have to remind myself that it actually happened. Not to worry though, I am not so head over heels as to deviate from the plan. MIL will leave tomorrow and then the real work will begin. I plan to have the poly done on Saturday. I'm going to give him the list of questions to answer to me beforehand on Friday. Here is what I've got:

1. How many sexual partners, total? Name and time period of relationship/encounter

2. Total relationships - name, time, and duration of relationship

3. All affairs during our relationship (physical, emotional, online, etc.), include name, when they began, how you would communicate with each other, and duration.

4. Have you had any contact with OW since we have been back together?

5. What things did she leave out of her email to you that would �devastate your life�?

(OW wrote WH an email after he ended it (this was a little over a week before WH and I had any contact) listing all the things she has done for him and all the ways he is horrible, saying she was considering sending the email to his dad and said 'you know as well as I do I left some things out of this email that would devastate your life" - i want to know what she was referring to)

Anything else I should ask? I know for the poly I will only get a couple yes or no questions and I plan those to be 1) Any contact with OW, 2) Any other physical affairs, and 3) any other affairs other then what have been discussed with amac

Question for the poly:
"Did you answer the questions on the list truthfully?"

And be cautious to trust him, it wouldn't be the first false recovery.

It's wise to check but I think number 5 is just an attempt for her to headwork you. I swear OW are more obsessed with the BW than the WH.

Little does she know you're double checking everything anyway.

So true, its pretty sick actually. She doesnt even know me but even WH said it was always a competition for her with me. One she would lose on every scale

I think she probably was referring to things I already knew but she didnt realize I knew, but I do want to hear what he has to say about it.

Hi Amac, I would ask about money spent on her/their relationship, main methods of communication (apps, etc), places they visted together, how he hid the relationship from you originally, whether any of your mutual friends met her and how often, who of his male friends knew/know what happened, whether he introduced her to your family in law, whether she visited his work place, whether he has any pictures of her saved anywhere on any devices, any music/movies/tv programmes/restaurants/recreational activities they shared together, any clothes she bought him, any gifts (so you can burn them!!), whether she was around your kids, what they did together, any future plans they talked about, whether they went to the gym together, did they do anything or go anywhere that you used to do/go with him, any trips away anywhere, etc. I think the aim should be to collect information to inform your extraordinary precautions and also identify things that could be future triggers for both him (fond memories) and you (horrible memories).

From my experience of being totally hoodwinked by a serial cheating WH for many years, I can tell you it is 100% normal to very easily "forget" the affair/s ever happened when someone is showing you love and you desperately want to believe in the sincerity of the emotions. You have an incentive not to want to delve into all the details because they are painful and you don't think you need to go there, and he of course doesn't want to because he wants to just forget it all happened so he never has to actually experience the consequences of his actions. But it is so easy at this stage just to slip right back into old habits without implementing the EPs you need to in order to protect your marriage for the future. If you do not implement EPs, another affair WILL happen.

Also, please please do not take his word for anything! Ask for proof! And don't let him refuse. If he says there are no pics saved anywhere, then take his devices and search them. Perhaps you can also ask him to give you his bank statements and phone bills for the duration of the affair in addition to answering questions? You need to set really clear boundaries at this point that show him he can't manipulate you with words because from now on you will be looking only at actions and evidence.

PS. The long list of topics for questions above should be given to him the day before the poly so that he can answer them fully and truthfully. On the day of the poly, you can select a couple of the key ones plus the one Goody2Shoes suggested for the actual test. He needs to be anxious that any of the questions might come up to give him the motivation to answer truthfully.

Do you have a plan for what you intend to do if he fails the test? Is he already back in the house? Are you prepared to throw him out again and go back into plan B to demonstrate that openness and honesty, and a real change in behaviour (EPs to affair proof your marriage), are dealbreakers for you now?

Those are some superb suggestions. You definitely want to get rid of affair allies and triggers.

Have you read this? Polygraph Testing

Thanks Chalk! I really do believe I know just about everything about the who, what, where, and when of WH's affair. Some from him, but most from my own snooping.(Yes she was around our kids, they went to Las Vegas together, disneyland (our 1st date!!), a green day concert, various hikes, church together ))I have had access to all his bank accounts and credit cards going back for 2 years (even while the divorce was pending, unknown to him), that has shown me alot of what they did. I also have had possession of his laptop (he will never get it back, and has no access to a computer in our house) and phone so I went through all emails between them which detail the places they went together and things they did. I have asked him about who she has met, and I do believe there was no one but thats a good question to follow up on. In one of her breakup response emails to WH she listed all the things she bought him and our kids so I was able to purge alot based on that. I totally cleaned out his apartment of everything of her.

WH asked me last night when I told him we were doing it this weekend if his answers to anything would be a deal breaker. I told him no, because I want him to have every incentive to be honest but I wonder if there would be.

What should I do if he fails? Does Dr. Harely recommend going back into Plan B? There obviously has to be some consequence, but I guess it depends on where the failure is. If the failure is due to the affair ongoing then yes, he is out of the house and Plan B, but if its due to not revealing all details of the past, Plan B seems a bit extreme. Obviously not revealing it would be a major red flag and as you said, allow for another affair to happen so I really, I dont know?

Just did, thank you BH.

If he were to fail the poly, he would need to come clean and retake. You'd only go back into plan b if he were determinedly protecting details of a SSL.

Wow, that's quite impressive information gathering. Does he know you have all that information? Don't you want to test him a little bit more by asking him questions when you already know the right answer? Maybe I'm a little over cautious because of how absolutely terrible my WH is, but I couldn't imagine feeling safe and secure unless I had triple checked every single statment he made.

I think you should tell him that DISHONESTY is a deal breaker, but that honesty - regardless of the content - would not lose him his marriage if he is sincere about recovering it. You want him to prove that he is sincere, and that if you have any slight suspicion that he is not, he should do whatever it takes to reassure you.

haha we do think alike Chalk, tonight i told him dishonesty would be a dealbreaker. And yes, most of the questions i am asking him I already know the answers to. And I told him that so he should not be afraid to tell the truth. The purpose of these questions has very little to do with information gathering, but rather a test of his honesty and sincerity.

He doesn't know the extent of what I've gathered. He knows I can see email and such on his phone, but doesn't know that I put spyware on there that i can see his searches. A huge benefit to that was I could see his searches from before we reconciled, and that did show me he his mind was in the right place. I dont think he knows that i literally know every detail of the affair, just because he did erase alot of emails when they broke up, but I was able to recover. I also hacked into a secret email that he created when with his affair partner. He has no idea I know about that one. If he ever gets tempted, that will be the one he uses and I'll know.

Have you sat down and asked all your questions in one setting or do you keep asking questions at different times?

When is the poly scheduled for?

I gave him the list of questions last night and had him type out his answers and then discussed with him after. It took a long time. It was hard for him, he cried and said he was terrified about hurting me and his family again. I do believe he was honest, what he said comports with what I have found out on my own. He had countless online sex encounters and 2 emotional online affairs before this physical affair partner, but maintains this was his only physical affair.

Poly is later today.

The poly did not go very well. I had three questions asked:

1) Have you told Amac the full extent of your contact with OW since you and Anna have been back together?

2) Have you had sexual contact with anyone other than Amac and OW during your relationship with Amac?

3) Were you honest in answering all of Amac's questions?

The first time he was asked all three questions he passed, but then would consistently fail questions #2. Both he and the examiner where getting frustrated and even the examiner said "I believe you" and asked if there were other ways to ask the question, but we couldn't come up with anything on the spot like that. It is a pretty straightforward question. He still passed #3 consistently which was weird because I asked question #2 in my questions.

I have to admit I was cheap with the test. I could have gone with a more controlled enviornment that was $500. This was $145 cash, I sat next to WH during the test and we both watched the screen. The more expensive test is not set up that way, I would not even be allowed in the room. This one did seem kind of hookey, but I thought WH's attitude about the whole thing was the most important part, rather then the actual test. But this causes problems. WH was really frustrated and maintains there has been no other sexual contact besides OW. Maintains he has never met anyone else besides OW. I dont see why he would need to lie about that at this point. I would have been way more concerned with him lying about contact with OW then this question. He thinks that question just evokes an emotional response in him because of his shame and thats why he failed it.

So, I dont know what to do. WH maintains no matter how many times I ask that questions his answer will be the same. I guess we have to do the other test but I really dont want to spend the money. And both WH and I are wary of the tests now. He said its up to me if I want him to take the test again.

I think you need to spend the extra cash.

I don't think that is a straightforward question; the phrasing is vague and the more it is considered the more likely your WH is to conflate online sexual contact and physical contact. I don't think a good polygrapher would phrase it that way.

There's also the fact that a good photographer would never write off a failed question without successfully rephrasing it and explaining to your h how to pass it.

You're wary of tests because this test sucked.

I know you're more concerned about OW right now, but this question is a pretty big deal. If he has been physically meeting up with strangers, it's the same danger to your marriage as online meetings but the recovery EPs would be different.

Im not saying he lied, I'm saying the peace of mind/EPs would get you further along in recovery.

I agree with Indie! I would worry that the niggling uncertainty would sit in the back of your mind and jeopardise your recovery. I would also be wary of giving your WH the impression that if he REALLY REALLY REALLY promises that he is telling the truth that you will believe HIM rather than evidence when there is doubt, such as in this case. That is a dangerous message to give someone that has already been decieving you. As I see it, it is not so much about being sure that you have got the information (which it seems like you have), but teaching your WH that lies will not work in future - and if there is any doubt, you will go the extra mile to get proof, rather than accept his word for it.

Thanks Chalk, yes, you and Indie are right. Regardless of the answer I would not be okay, and WH needs to no I wont be okay, unless I feel like I have done everything I could to get all the information I need to move on from all this. I emailed the other examiner, hopefully will be able to get it done this Wed or Thursday.

Sounds good!! It's quite a whirlwind how things have completely changed in a very short time!