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Joined: Jan 2010
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Asking for the second time, do you have the book Surviving an Affair? You probably need to learn how marriages can be saved from an affair if you want to save yours. Even if you don't there's still some good advice there to help your personal recovery. No I do not have that book You need it.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: May 2018
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Well that escalated quickly... just want to be clear... I do not feel my wife is still cheating on me... our marriage over the past 3 or 4 weeks has been great... my issue now is the fact that her and the OM still have limited contact which is killing me... the general consensus i am getting from here is she either needs to quit her job or we are doomed... correct? Yes, that's the expert opinion Dr. Harley gives, having seen many marriages where contact with an affair partner never ended, and we have seen it many times here on this forum. As you put it, it is killing you. You can't recover that way, and your marriage can't recover that way. It might seem like just semantics, but as long as they are still in contact, regardless of what they are or are not doing, basically their contact is continuation of the affair and will continue to hurt you. Fair enough... when you explain it like that it's hard to disagree
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,820 Likes: 7
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I think if my wife could at least accept responsibility for it that would help me alot... For what it is worth, it is almost unheard of for a wayward wife to accept responsibility for her affair. Despite this, a happy recovery is possible. But not if she remains in contact with her affair partner. An affair is an addiction, and an alcoholic cannot recover by hanging out in a bar.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Oct 2007
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They were friends... he kissed her first. They were work out buddies at work. Would take long walks on break and make out. Would hide in the stairwell at work and make out and touch each other. She swears sex never happened... Sorry to tell you but...this is a full blown PA. Most affairs quickly escalate as the affair partners make massive love bank deposits. Affairs rarely stay EAs unless the affairees do not have physical access to each other (such as living in different countries). Most BS's who come here do NOT want to believe the affair is a PA - they almost always insist it is "only a EA". About 99% of the time it is a PA. Yes, an EA is just as dangerous as a PA - but for some reason BS's feel more comfortable (less likely to take action such as exposure) and try to convince themselves if they just work on "communication" or other issues, they can woo back their spouse. No. Either way, your spouse cannot be around the OP ever again without put your M in grave danger.
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Joined: Oct 2007
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What happened to your wife, happens thousands of times every day to husbands and wives who feel they should be able to have friends of the opposite sex. They don't see the danger of falling in love when their intimate emotional needs are met outside of marriage. They usually understand that sex is off limits. But they rarely see intimate conversation (communication of emotional reactions and personal problems) as the first step to an affair. If enough Love Bank deposits are made to trigger romantic love, then our instincts to meet the intimate emotional needs of affection and sexual fulfillment become almost irresistible Link: https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8119_friends.html
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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If you expose her affair, she will be angry for awhile. It will be rough for you.
If you don't expose her affair, you will be forever wishing you did. Agree somewhat... as far as exposing to everyone (family and friends)... I haven't even considered that as something I am willing to do... from day one of the initial divorce talk we've handled all of this without letting anyone know... the only person I want to expose it to is OM's wife.. which could cost my wife her career... This is where you should start, by exposing to the OM';s wife. It is the most critical exposure. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping her secret will lead to your divorce. Do you want to be divorced? And you do not have the power to "ruin her career. " If her career is ruined, it will be because she is having a workplace affair. Most employers don't appreciate that because it puts them in legal jeopardy. You should expose wide and far now and then give her the option of quitting her little job. If she won't quit - IMMEDIATELY - you should expose to the workplace authorities. Pleaes read the Exposure 101 thread linked in my signature. It is your BEST HOPE OF SAVING YOUR MARRIAGE.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
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[
Well that escalated quickly... just want to be clear... I do not feel my wife is still cheating on me... our marriage over the past 3 or 4 weeks has been great... my issue now is the fact that her and the OM still have limited contact which is killing me... the general consensus i am getting from here is she either needs to quit her job or we are doomed... correct? Like Markos said, this is not a "consensus," but the truth. The truth is that your marriage is over if she stays there. An alcoholic can change the name of his drinks to "limited workplace drinks" but he is still drunk. The affair should be exposed and then you can give your wife the option of quitting - IMMEDIATELY - or you will expose to the workplace. That's your only hope. If you won't do that, you should file for divorce and move out.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Dec 2010
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Exposing the affair to the OM's wife is really important to ending the affair and the best chance to make sure it stays that way. Once the OM's wife knows about the affair, she will put a great deal of pressure on her husband to end his affair and to get your wife completely out of his life.
Also, if she doesn't know about the affair, it's a pretty sure bet she has figured out that something is wrong and knowing about her husband's affair will answer that question. She is likely to be one of your greatest allies in keeping the two apart.
Last edited by LongWayFromHome; 05/16/18 02:28 PM.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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