Amac --

(I follow your story, but don't post very often)

How about a totally out-of-the-box suggestion? Open your own office together. You're both attorneys, correct?
Get away from the corporate firm and professional rules. Practice and share clients together. That way his in-office communication can't be protected from you.

It may not be what you want, but it may be what your marriage needs....

The OW knows where he works. She can email him. And you would never know it.
He is extremely vulnerable to her. It may not happen now, it could happen even 2 or 5 or 7 years from now and he would still be extremely vulnerable.

You simply must affair-proof. No loopholes.

That is the perfect solution!

I agree. This was actually Dr Harley's advice to me for dealing with a serial cheater, similar to your WH.

Have you discussed this personally with your H's boss? That all/most of your H's communications and web searches/activities will be closely monitored daily?

My H told me things like this about his boss and workplace, both times...for example at one workplace he said the boss was putting him and OW on opposite shifts and in the end, it was not true.

Hi Amac
I also have followed your posts. My WH is also a multi affair offender, porn addict. We have done exactly what is being suggested. We now work together from home. We are amazed at how seamlessly it came together and truly we are enjoying sharing the work load.
It was a huge change from Him having a job that I was excluded from totally. The secret second life is long gone. Coming and going as he pleased is a thing of the past. No protected client files, no computer secrets.
Best of luck

Yep! That's the kind of solution I would have to come up with if I had a job like this, if I ever wanted Prisca to let me come back home.

Thanks Lexxy. This is actually something WH suggested during one of my Plan B breaks, something that could happen someday but there are so many issues surrounding this right now.

The biggest hurdle, for me at least, is that what I do does not translate to private practice. I am a prosecutor, meaning I prosecute people for crimes and am employed by the government. The only way for me to practice criminal law in private practice is to do a complete 180 and instead of prosecuting criminals, start to represent them. I do not feel I am built for that kind of work. I knew from a very young age I wanted to be a prosecutor and am very passionate about my job. I love it, and I do it well. It would be very difficult for me morally and ethically to suddenly "go to the dark side" as we sometimes kid about prosecutors who go to defense. It's not to say I never would, I think after I feel like I have done all I could do as a prosecutor I may not have a problem representing low level crimes like DUIs, but even that is hard for me to swallow. I think I would feel major resentment towards WH for putting me in that position to lose a career I love before I have realized all my goals and potential. After being a prosecutor I hope to be a judge, private practice is not something I foresee myself doing.

However, I don't see why I couldn't get the same transparency if WH opened up his own law firm, which is a goal we both have for our future. With that, there would be no reason for me not to have full access to everything, and I don't see why I couldn't continue my job. This is something WH wants to do, and I want him to do also, but it takes $$$, The divorce has cost us a lot, we do not have the money right now to open up a business. I think it is something that will happen in the next 3 years.

No, I haven't. I thought about that, I just don't know how to go about it. I have never even met his boss. I don't think I should just call him up out of the blue and ask him this stuff. His firm is trying to have some family functions soon, I think in that kind of an environment I can bring it up more smoothly and less dramatically.

Any luck finding it? I would really like to hear the advice! I'm kind of feeling scattered brained right now, hard to move forward without knowing what Dr. Harley suggested.

I'm not sure, but reading the description, I think I probably found the links to your segments (and the show before it is May 14th). It seems the audio files aren't uploaded yet, but eventually F5 will do the trick.
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=11130
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=11131
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=11132
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=11133

Thanks Goody2shoes! It wont play when I click. The files will be uploaded at some point?

I would think so, it is the newest show that I can find. I kept changing the number until I found aprox. the right date.

After our radio show I emailed Joyce and she shared the link. It takes a few weeks for them to be uploaded to the website. Joyce was right back to me with that link so
i didn't have to wait.

Honestly, I would not believe any of this, at all, unless you talked to the boss yourself.

I am afraid that you are trusting in your WH too easily. This exactly the kind of bullcrap a WS feeds to a BS to get them to back off...sorry to say. I've lived it and I've seen it over and over and over again here on these forums.

Did you tell Dr Harley that the information about your WH being monitored at work and another person being fired for "chatting" was information fed to you from your WH? Not directly from his boss?

I heard the show, and it didn't sound like Dr. Harley was aware that:
1. Your husband was actively trolling online
2. You haven't actually talked to your husband's boss. You believe your husband is being monitored because your husband told you so.

here is what i wrote so you all can see..


Dear Dr. Harely,

I have been married for 6 years, have an 18 month old and a 3 year old. I found out via chats on my husband�s computer that he was having an affair in May of 2017. This woman is married and has two small children also. They communicated in a chat room in Sept 2016, met in Jan 2017 and became intimate at the end of March 2017. Upon initially discovery, my husband broke it off, but after about 3 weeks I discovered they were still communicating so I kicked him out Memorial Day Weekend 2017. Shortly after I read Surviving the Affair and found the website forum. That helped me immensely, and I went into Plan B. There were a few breaks at the beginning, but essentially from Nov 2017-April 2018 I had no contact with my WH. My sister acted as IM and I had a babysitter do the exchanges. I had filed for divorce and that was in process, and still pending, but we have reconciled.

On April 4th of this year, my parents did the exchange because they were visiting and my WH asked to speak to them. He apologized to them for all the hurt he had caused me and our family and said he had ended his affair and was willing to do anything to get me back. They believed he was sincere so I contacted him . He agreed to total transparency, to take a lie detector, and to sign a postnuptial agreement that will give me our house and my pension.

Prior to the lie detector test I typed out all the questions I had regarding OW and WH�s history with others. I know from my computer snooping and WH�s admissions that he has chatted with woman online for our entire relationship, admitted to two emotional affairs around the same time as this physical affair, but denies there has ever been any other physical sexual contact with anyone else besides this affair partner. The first lie detector test I had him take was admittedly poorly done, I sat next to him during the test and both of us could see the results live. He passed all questions except the one relating to if there had been any other physical sexual contact before OW. After the test WH still adamantly denies there has ever been anything physical with anyone else, said no matter how many times that is asked the answer will always be the same, and agreed to take another test. He took another test that was better controlled, but again failed that question. I have told him the answer to that question is not a deal breaker, in fact, I assume with his lengthy history there almost had to be others, I just want to start with a clean slate, so there does not appear for him to be a reason to lie about this, but he still fails the test and claims there were never any others. He thinks he fails this question because it evokes the most emotional response in him, but I dont know.

I have montiored his phone, have access to all email and bank accounts. I went through 8,000 emails going back to when we were dating, looked at his chat history, bank records, but could not find any evidence of any other physical affair.

In terms of prevention. OW lives 2 hours away, WH has changed jobs, he is a lawyer and works for a firm that is closer to home now. I have full access to his phone, email, bank accounts, everything. He changed his phone number and got rid of facebook. We have a draft of the post-nup done, which WH drafted himself because he is a family law attorney, we are just waiting on my lawyers review to sign. The forum has pointed out to me that his work is a hole, because I cannot monitor his work computer. I dont know what to do about that. Being that it s law firm, because of client confidentiality there is no way he can allow me access to his computer and work email. His firm has an IT department that monitors the computers, and WH�s boss even has fired someone in the past for using the computer to chat, so I know what they do is monitored. i think it is very unlikely that WH would use a work computer to chat.

Because of this hole, I put a VAR in his car. This has caused some issues because I heard what sounded like WH having a conversation with OW. In response to that, I blew my cover with the VAR and kicked him out. His explanation was that he was talking to himself, which sounded ridiculous, but playing it back, and asking others opinion, I think he was talking to himself, as strange as it is. So now he is back at home.

Sorry for all the info. Please advise what i can do. I am not willing to make him quite his job or stop being a lawyer because I cannot monitor his work computer. I think the fact that his work does monitor it will be a deterrent and makes it so it does not pose a threat worthy of not attempting to save our marriage. Other then that and the failed lie detector, there have been no issues. WH is willing to do anything and we are falling back in love. I want to save my marriage.

In terms of the monitoring, yes, I agree it needs to be verified. HOWEVER, being a lawyer myself and knowing how law firms work it would be VERY UNLIKELY THAT IT IS NOT MONITORED. For me, we cannot even access craiglist, chat rooms etc, and I know many people who have been fired for even lesser things, like selling on eBay at work. This is common practice for larger firms. But I will find a way to verify for sure.

Now, will you guys start advising me on how to work on PREVENTING an affair, rather then CATCHING WH in the act? I think its time for that.

When I couldn't hear the show I emailed again and this is Dr. Harely's response:

Hi Anna,

The app plays the current show only unless a person subscribes to the archives. So I'll give you the answer to your email in writing.

My advice was not to worry about his work email because it is monitored. I'll discuss your situation with the forum moderators to let them know what my position on that subject is. It sounds to me that you have things under control and are making good progress in your recovery. Let us know if you have any other questions.

Dr. Harley

My suggestion would be to read this thread. There are many, many posts telling you how to prevent an affair. YOU NEED TO SPY in addition to other methods. That is how. You won't "CATCH WH IN THE ACT" if you will LISTEN TO THE SUGGESTIONS BECAUSE IT WILL NEVER GET THAT FAR.

For example, in order for an affair to resume, they will have to communicate to make arrangements. WHEN YOU SEE THAT, YOU CAN STEP IN AND PREVENT THE AFFAIR. UNDERSTAND?

It is time for that.