Here is your show
Radio Clip of amac�s question
Segment #2

So you didn't tell Dr. Harley that you haven't confirmed with WH's boss that his online activity is monitored...
Don't you think that crucial bit of information might have affected his advice to you?

And, Hon, you ARE being told how to prevent an affair. This is a gaping hole. You are taking the word of a WH -- one who has lied to you and pulled the wool over your eyes for YEARS.

It's not that you're not being told how to prevent an affair. It's that you don't like what you're being told. So much so that you would leave out crucial information when emailing Dr. Harley so that you could get the exact advice that you want to hear (and maybe, just maybe, we'd all get off your back about it).

Until you have had a heart-to-heart with your WH's boss, you should consider your marriage ripe for another affair.

amac, a couple of questions:

1) you know that meeting emotional needs doesn't prevent affairs, right? do you know what prevents affairs?

2) are you listening to the radio show, daily? Years ago Steve Harley advised me to "embark on a program of education" learning Marriage Builders. He was SO right - I needed to learn a LOT and hear a LOT of things repeated many, many times before they sank in. If I could I'd get everybody who posts on this site to be daily listeners - that's hundreds and hundreds of hours of teaching. You won't make it without it. By this time you could be a great teacher of this material yourself, given the radio show. I'd suggest that you learn the program from the radio show well enough to teach it - that's probably the best way to get yourself a great marriage.

Oh this makes a huge difference. All you need to do then is confirm that with WHs boss which should be easy since he's sympathetic and this level of monitoring is standard for the industry. You were planning on that anyway right?

How to improve spy methods is probably your next step.

I think listening to the show daily is also an excellent suggestion.

What did you think of Dr Hs advice?

I understand you are frustrated. I get it, I really do.

But honestly, I find it really disheartening to see you using this tone with posters who are HELPING you out of the goodness of their hearts. And it is not the first time.

We are not paid workers. We are volunteers. We give up our free time to do this. We don't "hammer" people when we see red flags because it's fun. It's because we see people that cut corners get BURNED again and we don't want to see that happen to you. Think about that before you get frustrated, here.

Re-read your words. You are basically demanding that we give you advice the way that you want it. That's not how this works.

I get frustrated because frankly, the posts I'm getting are accusing not only my WH of distorting facts intentionally, but also me. Prisca saying I intentionally left out that WH told me this or that to get advice I want, and being told I'm being "fed" this or that, when it is not the case. Why would I waste my own precious time and yours by distorting things to get an answer I want? That helps no one. I understand you all are doing this to help me, but at the same time I feel like I keep saying things over and over again that are being ignored so that I am not getting appropriate advise.

1. I AGREE THE MONITORING NEEDS TO BE VERIFIED.AND I HAVE SAID THAT OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT I THINK THERE IS A TACTFUL WAY TO DO IT SO IT DOES NOT HINDER HIS CAREER, THIS MAY TAKE A BIT OF TIME
2. I HAVE TAKEN WH'S WORD ON NOTHING SINCE WE RECONCILED - I KNOW FROM MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCE THAT LAW FIRMS MONITOR THEIR EMPLOYEES THIS IS DIFFERENT THEN A BS TAKING A WS AT THEIR WORD ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS AT WORK WITH NO PERSONAL KNOWLEDGE

As for spying, what more can I do? I get a backup a every night to my computer that shows all his phones, calls, texts, pictures, websites searched etc. I have a VAR that I can put back in his car whenever I want. I have access to all his bank account and private emails. As Dr. Harley said on the show, if the work is being monitored (which I believe it is, not because WH says so but because of common practice, to be verified) then it would be very difficult for him to get around that. As I have said before, it would be WAYYY easier for him to get another phone or tablet to connect to wifi and do whatever he wants on it.

My pressing issue is that I need to close this thread because I want to introduce (F)WH to MB so we can start implementing the concepts that will prevent an affair. It will be almost 2 months that he has been home, things are good but I know it can be better with MB and I dont want us to get too set in a routine. I want us to start working the program and I want him to have access to this resources but dont want to bring him here with this thread up.

Thanks BH!

amac, are you listening to the radio show? That will be a much better resource for your husband than the forum.

Communication = Affair, in my mind. If it gets that far I would be done. I need help so he will not want to communicate. He doesnt right now, but I know there is the potential in the future.

Doesn't he have a history of doing just that?

We agree, it is a waste of time.
So when will you be verifying? How?

I know from personal experience that a lot of businesses also monitor their employees.
I also know from personal experience that waywards LIE THROUGH THEIR TEETH. You have experienced this as well.

Until you have talked to WH's boss yourself, you need to consider your marriage ripe for an affair.

You can't move forward in your recovery until this has been verified.

Yup, I know that based on my experience. I think emotional needs were being met in my marriage up until my 2nd pregnancy. But WH was chatting late at night when I was sleeping. I would go to bed at 10-11, WH would stay up until 2 or 3. Basically the equivalent of overnight separation. That is no longer the case. We go to bed together at 10. No more idle time for him.

Yes, I think the radio program will help alot and I want WH to be able to start listening as well.

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amac, are you listening to the radio show? That will be a much better resource for your husband than the forum.[/quote]

I agree. But I need away to introduce him to these concepts first. Do you guys have any suggestions about how to do that without pointing him to the site? I would like a way to give him a summary of the concepts so he feels good about it, then move onto the books and radio show. The summary he would get from the site, but I dont want him to see the forum with this thread up.

Have you listened to today's show, yet?


He can start now!

Have him install the app and start listening to the show every day.

Ok, but what about a basic understanding of the concepts? I dont know if he will get as much from the radio show without a basic understanding of things and the terminology. I need a MB glossary and cheat sheet

They teach some of the concepts every day - the best thing to do is to just jump in and start listening, and plan to be in this for the long term. You both need a lot of education to recover, and this is the best way to get it.