He will.
Don't try to spoon feed him.

I listened to my part on the way to work, will listen to today's episode on the way home.

Great, amac! That's how I did it - MB radio every day on the way to and from work.

Get your husband to start listening, too.

There are a couple things I want to avoid - 1) Me looking like a controlling overbearing wife (yes I know this is necessary but really will not have time to explain to people at his work all the reasons why), 2) WH being viewed as a liability at work.

I have found nothing to suggest that he ever looked at porn or chatted at work. I was able to search 9 years of chat and porn history, so I know pretty much when and where he was when he did it. Not at work. I recognize that with work as his likely only option the monitoring is needed to foreclose the possibility, but I dont want him to look like the guy who got fired for chatting at work when it hasn't happened yet. So I want to be discreet with this as possible, if I can.

I believe I will be told that its best for his work to know all the details etc., but please remember that Dr. Harley said monitoring was fine. He did not say I needed to meet with WH's boss and have a heart to heart and tell him all the dirty details of WH's biggest life mistake. I dont think that is necessary and would be viewed as a huge Love Buster by WH.

Here are my best/preferred options as I see them:

1) My divorce lawyer, coincidentally, used to be partners with WH's new boss. I believe he would know what kind of monitoring the firm does, and would also likely be able to verify if someone had been fired for chatting. I emailed him today but he is not available to speak to me until next Tuesday.

2) When I kicked WH last year, he lived with his paralegal at that time for a few months before getting an apartment. She then went to this firm and helped WH get his job there. I think she is just a good person who felt bad for him because he had no where else to go, but always seemed to be supportive of our marriage. She was still working at WH's current firm when I visited when we first reconciled and we talked for a bit and she told me she would "keep him in line." She has since left that firm, but would know about the monitoring and any firings. I think she would be honest with me if I contacted her and would be understanding of my need to know. I dont have her number but can get it off WH's phone back up tonight. Of course there is the chance she wont answer my call, wont want to be involved, or will tell WH that I called before getting back to me.

Any other ideas about how I can discreetly get this information? I thought about posting about the firm on different sites to see if I can get an answer, but there is always the possibility that WH himself would answer because most of the stuff is anonymous.

I think youd be amazed at how much simpler it would be to just talk to his boss. Remember he already knows about the affair! But he only knows about his poor actions, he doesn't know about how hard he's trying to be completely transparent now.

Which is not a bad thing for his boss to know at ALL. Imagine how much his reputation would improve for you, were this your employee. Hes accepted a huge character failing and is fixing it with your help.

A big part of exposure is people building up their reputations again with those who were exposed to.

Just grab the bull by the horns. 'This is awkward, but WH is being completely transparent with me about his online life and wishes he could do the same with internet activity at work. I know that's not possible but I'm right in thinking internet is monitored here?' It's not going to be a big deal for him to say 'yes/no' - You can also use it as an opportunity to thank him for his support.

The opposite sex friend who gave him a place to live? Yowzer, that acquaintance needs to be dropped entirely.

Good to know that for all those years he didn't watch any porn in an environment were he was being monitored.

I was thinking the exact same thing. He moved in with a woman?

Very bizarre situation. She is married and older, has a daughter. He stayed in their spare room. I think she felt motherly towards him. Lots of drama though, as to be expected with the wayward life. They don�t have contact now that she has left his firm.

That is how I initially thought of it, but I think it would only have that affect on WH's boss coming from HIM. If Its me telling the boss this stuff I think it will look like what it is, a wife wanting to check up on her husband at work because she doesnt trust him. If it was his old firm, somewhere he worked for years and I had somewhat of an association with I think that is a conversation we probably could have had with his firm together. This is a totally different dynamic, for alot of reasons. WH is new here, still proving himself and with our divorce and affair baggage there has been alot of drama, brought to the firm by both of us. I was constantly serving subpoenas and threatening depositions on WH's firm and boss, through my divorce lawyer who btw does not get along with WH's boss. They all also know im a prosecutor, which unfortunately means I am automatically labelled as a "ball buster" without even doing anything. All of this in my opinion, makes approaching the boss at this point a bad idea.

I think with time when the drama settles down, WH proves himself vaulable, and I get to know these people more and they see I am not a crazy ball buster, then I think we can have a candid conversation. Until then I want to verify through anonymous means.

This isn't MB advice, so it may be an overstep buuut..

You've done this a few times. Limited your behaviour to what you think others think women are allowed to ask for/do. I would be proud of that title, honestly! And it's not like being fierce and passionate at work can't translate into being fierce and passionate about your marriage. There's no shame in that. Besides, if your professional circle believe you're a hard [censored] in recovery.....good? Better than your professional circle believing you have a blank check book of forgiveness for your husband the hopeless cheat. Being visibly tough serves both your reputations.

Anyway! It's often recommended for a remorseful spouse to self expose/provide transparency so why not just do that, as you suggest?

Have him broach this.

Do you have an update?

What happened with the pre-nup that your H was supposed to sign?

Were you ever able to verify that the workplace was "monitoring" all of your H's emails and online activities?

Ugh my lawyer is taking his time with the post-nup. I conferenced with my lawyer about the draft WH provided last week. It's all good in substance but my lawyers wants to add a few things to cover all potential situations. We are waiting on him to provide the revised version. Lawyer said this week, I emailed yesterday for the status but haven't heard back yet. Once we get it from him, WH will need to review it with a lawyer before signing. I'm thinking a 2 week deadline once he gets it. So, probably still a few weeks away from completion. I am anxious to get it done.

My lawyer hadn't worked with WH's boss since 2008 so he didn't know about his monitoring, BUT, on Wednesday WH gave me his employee handbook which spelled out directly that they are being monitored, specifically mentions that any instant messaging/chatting would result in discipline. His workplace is even more hardcore then mine it seems. Even tells employees they are limited to one personal phone call a day! Does seems to fit with what WH has told me so far about his boss scolding him for texting and the alleged firing of a former employee for chatting.

Dr. Harely recommended I verify with HR and the handbook in my mind is probably better then that. HR wouldn't give me as much detailed information as the handbook contains, and would probably be uneasy sharing company policies with me so I think this is sufficient verification.

We leave tomorrow for a vacation with my family. This will be the first time WH will see my siblings since we reconciled. WH is quite anxious about it, understandably and deservedly. Any tips on how to handle this? My siblings are not against us being back together per se, but there is this sentiment that he needs to suffer more/pay for what he did. I told WH the worst thing he could do is act like nothing happened, I think he needs to address it with them and have a conversation and after that point I think things can be somewhat normal. With our friends that is how it as gone, the men have been the hardest on him, surprisingly. Cold and distant at the first meeting, then once they express their shock and disappointment things have improved.

He's clearly trying to think of ways to be transparent. The workplace policy does indeed sound too stringent for him to risk using workplace devices.

This must be so reassuring to have that verified!

The family situation sounds great and your husband's anxiety will probably work in his favour as demonstrating repentance rather than entitlement. He should apologize to them for the distress and acknowledge he knows he is on indefinite probation and that he does not expect anyone to give him a free pass.

Thanks Indie!

The vacation went as good as can be be expected, I think. My siblings made it a point to make me feel supported, but at the same time not really giving an inch to FWH. (I'm okay calling him FWH now instead of WH, nice feeling!) It was hardest with my sister and her husband. She and her husband would not speak to FWH, but they had an upfront conversation about it where they acknowledged that they weren't going to talk to him for awhile and that they were scared, but supported me because they know this is what I want, FWH accepted that and apologized. So, I think that's about as good as things could have been. FWH was a bit more reclusive then I would have liked but he also had moments of effort so overall I feel good about it.

I still feel a bit in limbo with recovery, just because the post nup is still not done. The last thing on my list. My lawyer sent his revisions to FWH on Friday, hopefully he will not drag his feet now on the approval. Then he has to get a lawyer to go over it with him, and then we can get in signed. FWH has been listening to SAA on CD in his car, I'm hoping he can finish this week and as we can do the questionnaires. I'm a bit uneasy still about having him come here. Mostly because that would mean I would need to give him more computer access, which I dont want. What do you guys think?

One thing I have been struggling a bit with since we reconciled is my own rehashing of the affair. While in Plan B I actually didn't think about it that much, but now I think because my feelings for him have been uncaged its like the wound has been reopened. Part of me wants affirmation from him, like I want to hear that the horrible things he said ("we were never in love, just checking boxes, sex was never good, etc." all the typical fog boggle) were not true and he didnt mean them, but that might not be the truth. Even if he told me that I dont know if I would believe it, though he has said the more horrible texts were sent by OW using his phone. But regardless, I'm sure he did think and feel alot those things because that's what waywards feel and think, right? I still can't wear my engagement ring or look at pictures from before the affair because it feels like a painful fraud. I was happy and I thought he was and now because the affair, I question all the past. What is the best way to deal with these feelings? I have not voiced these things to FWH and dont know if I should or not.

amac, the best advice I can give you is to never talk about this and never write the words again. Put all of your focus on making your marriage a happy, passionate relationship. Every time you bring this up, you are freshly triggering your self. Stop talking about it and dont' write those words. The quicker your marriage recovers the faster these memories will fade. But they won't fade if you bring them up.

Thanks, Melody. That's actually a relief to hear. Away they go!!

Good girl!!

I think it would be amazing to have him come here! I'm sure it would be good for you to see him engage with the material.

Just make sure your home computer is key logged etc and get into good habits, like using the computer within each other's eyeline.

I do think some of the couples who were recovering when I first joined the boards got brand new rings. That might symbolise a new start for you?

Think of it like a new start when you get anxious. Trust wasn't built overnight. And, tell that voice of fear that this relationship came back from the brink of an affair! How could it do that unless it were amazing and special? Now you get to make it even better.

Thanks Indie, that is a nice way to think of things. You always have a way of putting things in a positive, but still realistic tone. Quite a skill, and one that I really appreciate

I actually do kinda feel that way. My sister in law was texting with me yesterday, expressing the sentiment that I have gotten from alot of people that "he is so lucky," but my response has been that I feel lucky too. Hard thing to explain or understand, but I do.