Yes, that is exactly what he was afraid of, I think. That I expect him to have complete verbal diarrhea now in the name of honesty.

Just read this,

The Post-Nup is signed, and my divorce case will be dismissed. The house is now mine. My attorney advised that rather then wait and have it become mine upon a future divorce, FWH give it to me now in exchange for a sunset provision of 6 years. Meaning that after 6 years, if no divorce has been filed, then the house will go back in both of our names. I had other provisions included that I would keep the majority of my pension regardless of any time frame of divorce so I feel well protected, but sad. I dont want the house to be mine, I want it to be ours. We built this life together. I told FWH now that its all done I intend to never think about it again, and intend to live as if it does not exist. I will never act like or say that its "my house," and I would be very hurt if he ever treated things that way.

It is been a long road, and I learned alot. I wish this was not the way we both had to learn the things we have, but I'm looking forward to continuing to learn; hopefully the easy way instead of the hard way

I want to say how thankful l am to MB, and all of you who have advised me over the last year. I would not have been able to be at this point without it. I wish I could post a picture of my family so you could see what you saved.

I am forever grateful.

Someone mailed a letter and sexual pictures of FWH to his law firm, not at the office he currently works at, but one of its other locations. The other location is near were OW has moved to. My husbands boss called him and told him about it, we have not seen it yet. Obviously, this is OW. I'm angry and scared of what else she is capable of. What is the best way to handle this? Here are the options as I see them:

1. Do nothing
2. Get the police involved, it is is illegal in CA to share sexual photos without the other persons consent.
3. Call OW's mother and tell her what she is doing and hope she can convince her to leave us alone (I dont trust talking to OWBH, he clearly cannot influence her)

I really dont want the drama of a police investigation, I just want her to leave us alone. As far as I know, her adoption is still pending. A criminal investigation would definitely affect that and I would think a normal, rationale person would be deterred with that, which is why I would call her mother and include that in the conversation. But clearly, I am not dealing with a rationale person. I dont know what to do. I'm afraid if we do nothing, as we have to all her other attempts to elicit a response, her provocation will just increase. What makes them finally stop????

The best negotiation position in case of blackmail is to make clear she has no leverage and her actions do have consequenses. You want to nip this in the bud and that most probably includes involving the police. Ask a legal professional what your options are.

And don't contact her yourself. She wants a reaction, to stirr up your life. Don't jump because she commands you. Just take legal action and let a pro handle it.

You need to see the letter to determine the sender. Then you can discuss options. What did the letter say?

So, if she's sent them it's just an attention seeking attempt to test the sincerity of his no contact pledge. Anything you do, aside from your husband contacting her directly, will frustrate her aim and send her the message that Yeah, he's serious.

She imagines this to be more embarrassing than it is because she's no idea about your recovery plan. He's self exposed to anyone important and this just makes her look crazy and unbalanced and will simply garner sympathy for him.

So I think anything goes. Though if it were me, I'd contact the police because it's a crime! When people break the law to get attention it's best to document and report it in case of escalation. It may be that a phone call or visit from cops is enough to send a warning shot without you having to go the whole hog. If she's done this to other people they may uncover another line of inquiry not even involving you.

The letter was mailed to my husband's firm location nearest to OW. It was addressed to two of the three partners, one male, and one female. The return address listed the address for the location my husband works at. The mailing date was Monday, firm received it Tuesday and boss called my H, since H is in a different office we didn't get to see it until yesterday. Everything was type written, this is what it said:

"Law firm,

Thought you should know who is representing you. This guy is all over the porn and hookup sites bragging about being a top lawyer looking for sex. Uses the name **** but told me it was FWH"

The letter included two nude full frontal selfies of my husband. We can tell based on the details in the photos they were taken at his apartment in December. FWH says she is the only one he shared them with, which I believe. (He is a wearing a wedding ring OW gave him in the photos (yes sick i know) he would not send photos to some random chic with a wedding ring on).

The screen name referred to the one OW caught him using last year to chat with other women.

Im not worried about the allegation of being all over the sites. I dont see how he could be with the monitoring at work and no computer access at home. We are constantly together when at home and I have spyware on his phone so I see everything he does. I am also reassured that FWH disclosed all of this to me right away and did not ever suggest that I not be involved or not see the letter.

Thanks goody2shoes, I think you are right.

You are so right Indie, (as always). Of course its embarrassing, but not as much as it could have been if FWH had not disclosed. The boss told FWH that his position is that my husband is the victim of a crime, which he is.

Our plan is to contact the police. Its what this behavior demands. Best case scenario police getting involved will scare her into leaving us alone and things dont have to go any further.

Yep this is why the tactic of exposure can't be beaten.

I struggle to remember how scary it once was. Now I only get scared when people don't go for it.

This has been a challenging week. We went to visit my sister this weekend as today is her due date (baby finally came this morning!). I took the kids down on Friday and spent the day with her and FWH came up Friday night. I sent my sister a text before she came to meet us asking if she would just say hi to FWH. That was something I knew wouldn't be that hard for her to do, and I felt it would go a long way with encouraging him to make efforts himself. She responded back that she would, but complained that he didn't make effort on the last trip and that he didn't even try to talk to her until my sister in law spoke to him first saying "I would hope he is willing to hard things, that is the true test." I felt that was a little unfair, but really did not want to get into a back and forth with her and all i said was "he tried in his own way" (he cooked dinner for everyone the 1st night, and brought her the ice cream she liked specifically), but I still got the "dont make excuses for him" and then she told me how she thought he showed "no humility" when he did try to talk to her and that made her really scared for me. I told her i understood and that I knew it would take time for her to see things differently. I wasn't present for their conversation on our trip, so I dont know how FWH came off, but I do feel like she wasn't giving im a chance, they told him point blank at the beginning of the conversation they weren't ready to talk to him, which was fine at that point. She did in the end make an effort to talk to FWH, and the day went fine and we came home last night.

Now that the baby is here we may go back, but I feel torn about bringing FWH back for this moment. I know they wouldn't want him there. It makes me so sad, and bitter. Bitter for one more casualty of his mistake. We were all such good friends before and this would have been such a happy day for all of us to share. Now I feel sad and torn and resentful towards FWH for bringing us here.

I haven't told FWH all this because I did feel that overall yesterday was a step forward, but I have been obviously bothered today. I told FWH that it is hard for me to balance things with him and my family, and I dont know how much I should say about it. He said that he understood and asked what he could do to make things better fore me.

How much should I be sharing with him about my feelings and the way my family feels? What should my expectations be of him? I do wish he would have done more on our trip with my family, but I dont want to hold that against him. On the other hand, I think anything he did would not have been good enough for my sister at that point. I also want him to make efforts with them in a genuine way, and not because I tell him he needs to.

I would stop making problems where none exist. Your marriage comes FIRST. Stay home and be with your family and work on your marriage. How does your husband feel about you going there?

Are you using the MB program AT ALL? It doesn't seem like you even understand the policy of joint agreement. You are not supposed to find a "balance" between your marriage and your family, but working on making your marriage GREAT.

FWH has not expressed any desire not to see them, in fact, he has been the one suggesting we do more with them.

That doesn't sound like ENTHUSIASTIC AGREEMENT or anything that remotely resembles something good for your marriage. Have you considered using Marriage Builders and putting your marriage first? I will just tell you that most marriages do not ever recover from infidelity. You have one shot here and it sure doesn't seem like you are using the program.

FWH is the one who has suggested we go to see the new baby, he wants them to come stay out our house next month, he suggested they come to a concert with us. I believe although it is uncomfortable right now, he wants the opportunity to mend the relationship because HE WANTS their friendship again, not just to appease me.

This is not a case of us not following the policy, this is me asking how best to deal with family at this stage when a mended relationship is something we both want.

I should add that FWH said on our way home yesterday that he was "really happy" that my sister talked to him. I am the one feeling negatively because I am the one who gets the backlash from her, not him. I have not shared that with him because I want him to continue to feel hopeful and positive, but thats why I asked the question about if this is right or not.

Is either of you sacrificing to make the other happy?

Be honest with him about what was said and tell your family that if they want to be engaged with you, they need to respect your husband. If they don't stop, then you need to back off. But your marriage comes first.

Ok, so he's up for it. However is there enthusiastic agreement from your side to be around your sister the way things are? Don't ignore your half of the PoJA. If you want something from your husband use a 'how would you feel about..' request rather than going in on the negative slant.

As far as handling her goes, I wouldn't rush her. She sees less of the recovery work than you do, has less power over it and loves you. She is scared but she will catch up. Forcing the issue won't help.

It can only help if you don't get ruffled and hung up on it. Let her catch your calmness and sense of reassurance. And at the end of the day, who cares if she approves of your marriage? I have to agree with Melody Lane that great marriages have an inner focus. Let her see you don't need her approval; that's how secure you are. It's ironic that we can reassure others best when we stop caring about what they think; but it's how it works.