No I think you are right. He is facing down shame for you rather than run away. That's worth having.

Remember though that you are going to be walking over people's nightmares. People get weird about affairs, like kids whistling when they walk past a graveyard.

The uninitiated believe at least one of three things about affairs. Either that affairs only happen to bad spouses (victim blaming), or that only demons in human skin cheat. This way they can sleep at night, because it wont happen to nice people like them.

Oh and of course the third most important thing; they believe they would leave a cheater/demon because that threat is the main deterrent, right? (except it doesn't work AT ALL) and besides, they'll never have to because they married a nice human.

You dont have time to soothe this lady's worldview back into place. Let her deal with her night tremors on her own time. Be very boring when she talks about it. Then ban talking about it.

True. I hope that my experience will change some people's view of things. I've already gotten texts from a friend, who has a friend who is having an affair that was discovered and then she relapsed. My friend asked me to speak to the BH. I feel to much in the thick of things to give anyone advice right now, but I feel for him and would like to help him. I told her to tell him to read SAA.

Hi Everyone!

This has probably been my longest stretch of not posting in a year! Things of have been going very well so much so that I had began not actively expecting contact from OW, but yesterday she reared her ugly head. She sent an email to FWH. It was from an account they used together during the affair and this is all it said "..." Yes, just three dots. Its her stupid way of referring to "their connection." Oh and BTW, idiot OW, thats actually a gang prison tattoo! Anyway, this was to FWH's gmail account, the only one he uses besides work and I have full access to. On gmail, there is no way to completely block a sender, what FWH had done is to send all emails from all known accounts that she would use to trash. Problem with that of course, is if you go to the trash folder you can see it. Which I did yesterday and saw the email. I believe I saw it before FWH. It was unread and he had been working in the yard so I dont think he would have had a chance to see it, and because its in the trash folder you have to look around to find it, it doesnt just show up anywhere. I deleted the email and have not said anything about it to FWH.

My plan is to not mention it to FWH. I think we are moving forward nicely and I think this would just cause him to think about OW again. I think the thoughts would probably be negative but I prefer 0 thoughts of her. Just wanted to see what you guys thought.

Also would really like to make it so we dont see ANY trace of OW. Any Gmail experts? I'm thinking I can change the filters so the emails go to a folder other then trash that FWH is not aware of, so he would not have a place to look or see them. Or I can have all forwarded to my account, but Gmail puts an annoying notice that mail is being forwarded that stays on the account when you log in from the computer for 7 days, so FWH would know and would wonder why I'm doing that now. Also in this option I believe the original sent email gets archived so still could potentially be located.

I know the suggestion will probably be for him to delete that account and get a new one, but there is something reassuring to me about being able to monitor her attempts at contact with him. As jarring as it was to see, it confirms to me that there has been no previous contact by this lame attempt of hers. Also bringing that up to him now will raise questions for him about why now.

The timing of this is not ideal either. We finally have the postnup done. My lawyer is reviewing it today and I think it should be signed before the end of next week. I dont want this to freak FWH out and make him have 2nd thoughts about signing.

Delete the account!!! Good grief, amac!!

Ok so tell FWH about the email and tell him to delete it? He is going to want a reason if I tell him to delete now.

"_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse)."


That is like saying there is something "reassuring" about watching the alcoholic sit in the bar so you can make sure he doesn't drink. The solution is to get out of the bar and REMOVE ALL TEMPTATION!! If your H had seen this he would have been triggered!!

YES, just tell him she sent an email and you need to shut it down. Is there any other way she can contact him?

Alright i called him, told him about the email. he is totally onboard with deleting the account. Whew.

Amac, you may have taken a more complicated stance than was necessary. If pests are in your home, you call pest control and get rid. You don't put out bait and cameras and begin a science experiment based on observing them in your space.

Haha actually I would probably do that with pests too! Not enough just to kill them, have to know their origin and plug up all possible points of entry I guess I am afraid if I plug this entry that she will find another way and that scares me. I take comfort knowing this is the way she uses and i can see and control it, but I know, its not worth the trigger trauma for me or FWH.

This trigger really sucked for me. Not so much in terms of my feelings for FWH, but it has re ignited my hatred for OW. I keep writing emails to her in my head about how pathetic and disgusting she is for not just leaving us alone, etc.. I dont want to feel this way. I dont want to have hate for anyone. Any articles or radio clips where Dr. Harley discusses how to deal with these feelings?

Also, FWH have been discussing some of the MB concepts and the one he is having a hard time with conceptualizing is radical honesty (of course the one I want the most, ha! but at least he is upfront about his reservations with it). Any radio clips or articles that explain it better? I dont think I have done a great job. The best argument I have for him is that even despite his reservations, if its one of my top needs then he should strive to fulfill it regardless.

I would take comfort in her literacy skills?

The best way is to walk away from them. You have plugged up gaps and you won't get any more triggers. She will become a distant memory.


I think when I was newly betrayed I considered it the most important need, no excuses. I have learned that it's more complicated than it first appears. Some situations are not safe for honesty and even if lovebusters have been eliminated it takes time for the dishonest person to feel safe being honest. Additionally you can't be rude or pointlessly hurtful while being honest to your spouse which complicates matters.

It might be worth asking him what his concerns are with honesty because there are a myriad of reasons but they usually boil down to response. If you can guarantee a certain response ahead of time you might get what you want.

Has he read this? It lays out emotional/historical honesty etc.

You might point out that it's an integral part of PoJA. Without understanding emotional views or back story you cant get to a mutual joint agreement.

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html

He can also come here/write to Dr Harley?

What are his reservations specifically?

Thanks for the info, we will look at it.

He kept saying that some thoughts are "fleeting" so why are they worth mentioning? After listening to SAA he seemed to be under the impression that Dr. Harely advises that spouses share everything single thought that comes into their head with one another and he thought that would lead to more confusion. The example he gave was he had a thought during the day that he should start his own firm a year from now, but then thought about it more and didnt like that idea. He thinks it would not have been worth sharing the initial thought with me because it was "fleeting" but upon further digestion he thought against it.

He also pointed out something that IG mentioned in response also, that sometimes honesty can be used to intentionally hurt people. Unfortunately I think his therapist put this one in his head , FWH indicated when he discussed with him radically honesty the therapist told him he sees alot of cases where couples use honesty to intentionally hurt each other. I agreed with him that yes, in the abstract that is true, however, for us specifically, I dont think either of us has ever shown those tendencies to WANT to hurt each other, and of course sometimes the truth will hurt but if its done in a caring way its so much better then telling a lie in the short term. This is going to be a struggle for him, I know. He is very non confrontational and I think he does think he is being considerate by not being honest in some cases, and I think alot of people feel that way which is why I love that its called "radical" honesty. It is sadly a radical idea, but so necessary.

Have you listened to the radio clips in this Dr. Harley on How to Deal with Triggers

Thanks BH! I will.

He doesn't have to share every fleeting idea but if he shares the main things he's ruminating over; even if it's 'this is why this is a bad idea for me to ever do x' you'll understand him better and will know not to suggest x, because you're in tune with him.



People can be accidentally hurtful too and that's worth avoiding. I think if you're both making a concerted effort to share as much as you can, as part of pleasant, constructive conversation, you're fine.

He is not expected to do away with his filter entirely:)