|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788 Likes: 2
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788 Likes: 2 |
Quick update - she did start reading the book this evening, got about a quarter of the way through it. I asked her what she thought so far, she said it made her feel like she was a bad parent for wanting a divorce and that we never had any of the main principles of love in our marriage. Not exactly what I wanted to hear. She said she would finish the book though. That is exactly what you want to hear! Sounds as if you have hit a nerve, congratulations. I’m unable to convince her that following the plan from the book will make a difference. I understand her skepticism and reluctance after the failed counseling attempts and I certainly can’t guarantee it will fix our marriage either but I’m still trying to be hopeful she’ll give me another chance. You need to be gentle and patient. If I understand correctly, there have been lots of broken promises that have caused her to mentally prepare for separation. She will need to build enough trust to pull that wall down but if you put her first in your life and keep it that way, she will gradually see how wonderful that feels and start putting you first too. Unless she is having an affair, that will absolutely fix your marriage. Your daughter will be happier. The current situation is not a positive example for her either. Children have very acute antennae.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 29
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 29 |
Quick update - she did start reading the book this evening, got about a quarter of the way through it. I asked her what she thought so far, she said it made her feel like she was a bad parent for wanting a divorce and that we never had any of the main principles of love in our marriage. Not exactly what I wanted to hear. She said she would finish the book though. That is exactly what you want to hear! Sounds as if you have hit a nerve, congratulations. I’m unable to convince her that following the plan from the book will make a difference. I understand her skepticism and reluctance after the failed counseling attempts and I certainly can’t guarantee it will fix our marriage either but I’m still trying to be hopeful she’ll give me another chance. You need to be gentle and patient. If I understand correctly, there have been lots of broken promises that have caused her to mentally prepare for separation. She will need to build enough trust to pull that wall down but if you put her first in your life and keep it that way, she will gradually see how wonderful that feels and start putting you first too. Unless she is having an affair, that will absolutely fix your marriage. Your daughter will be happier. The current situation is not a positive example for her either. Children have very acute antennae. Thank you, I'm trying to be patient and meet her emotional needs as best I can while she is withdrawn. Her tone was not encouraging though, it sounded like the book was making her realize our marriage was never in the right place. There have been plenty of broken promises by me but it's been very difficult to keep them when my needs have not been met as well for so long.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
[
Thank you, I'm trying to be patient and meet her emotional needs as best I can while she is withdrawn. Her tone was not encouraging though, it sounded like the book was making her realize our marriage was never in the right place. There have been plenty of broken promises by me but it's been very difficult to keep them when my needs have not been met as well for so long. Sadfather, don't mean to sound like a broken record, but all of these efforts are for naught if she is having affair. The reason is because her love bank is closed to you if there is an affair. And secondly, when there is an affair, that is the cause of the desire to get a divorce/separation. Dr Harley has been specializing in saving marriages for 50+ years and this is what he says: "I've seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I'm right almost every time.
Why would anyone need to be alone to sort things out? It makes much more sense to think that being separated makes it easier to be with their lover. Granted, there are many good reasons for a separation, such as physical or extreme mental abuse. But of all those I've seen separate, most have had lovers in the wings. " If she is having an affair, the longer you let this go, the harder it will be to save. I would encourage you to do your due diligence and see what is going on.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 29
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 29 |
[
Thank you, I'm trying to be patient and meet her emotional needs as best I can while she is withdrawn. Her tone was not encouraging though, it sounded like the book was making her realize our marriage was never in the right place. There have been plenty of broken promises by me but it's been very difficult to keep them when my needs have not been met as well for so long. Sadfather, don't mean to sound like a broken record, but all of these efforts are for naught if she is having affair. The reason is because her love bank is closed to you if there is an affair. And secondly, when there is an affair, that is the cause of the desire to get a divorce/separation. Dr Harley has been specializing in saving marriages for 50+ years and this is what he says: "I've seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I'm right almost every time.
Why would anyone need to be alone to sort things out? It makes much more sense to think that being separated makes it easier to be with their lover. Granted, there are many good reasons for a separation, such as physical or extreme mental abuse. But of all those I've seen separate, most have had lovers in the wings. " If she is having an affair, the longer you let this go, the harder it will be to save. I would encourage you to do your due diligence and see what is going on. I hear you on this. Tried to send you PM but looks like forum doesn’t allow it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
They have the forum PM's turned off. Can you post here? thanks
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 29
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 29 |
They have the forum PM's turned off. Can you post here? thanks Let’s say hypothetically at a minimum she’s having an emotional affair, how would your advice differ?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
They have the forum PM's turned off. Can you post here? thanks Let’s say hypothetically at a minimum she’s having an emotional affair, how would your advice differ? Let me ask you a hypothetical. If the Titantic is sinking and needs a new paint job, do you FIRST stop the sinking and then paint the ship? Or do you ignore the sinking ship and paint the girls bathrooms pink?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
What is different is that in order to save your marriage, we have to FIRST kill the affair. Obviously, if there is no affair, we would move right into the program.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 29
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 29 |
Ok, what’s the best way to kill an affair?
Last edited by sadfather; 05/16/19 08:20 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Ok, what’s the best way to kill an affair? By bringing it out into the open. Affairs thrive on secrecy, and are ruined by exposure. It's like bringing a crowd of onlookers into the crack house to watch the crack heads get high. It ruins their high!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6 |
Ok, what’s the best way to kill an affair? Did you spy and get some evidence?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 29
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 29 |
Ok, what’s the best way to kill an affair? Did you spy and get some evidence? It’s borderline but there is at least something emotional going on, which makes sense. Maybe more.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 790 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 790 Likes: 4 |
What exactly did you discover?
To get the best advice it would be good to provide all details.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6 |
What exactly did you discover?
To get the best advice it would be good to provide all details. I agree. What did you find out? Who is the OM (other man)?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 29
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 29 |
What exactly did you discover?
To get the best advice it would be good to provide all details. I agree. What did you find out? Who is the OM (other man)? I’m trying to be somewhat cryptic as this is a public forum, really wish there was a PM option. I don’t have all the pieces but there is an emotional (maybe more) affair with a married man who works in the same field and lives out of state. I know name age, location of OM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,155
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,155 |
Dr. Harley advises to get enough facts to convince a jury. Until you do, do not let on that you know.
After you have utterly convincing evidence, you expose and run the other man off.
me, DH
5 children
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
[
I’m trying to be somewhat cryptic as this is a public forum, really wish there was a PM option. I don’t have all the pieces but there is an emotional (maybe more) affair with a married man who works in the same field and lives out of state. I know name age, location of OM. SAdfather, you are completely anonymous here but we have to have these facts if we are going to help you. It is critically important that you get evidence of the affair. This will be even easier to bust up given that he is a married man. But you need to get moving. The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to bust up. Please get the evidence and come back here for next steps. Don't ask her and DO NOT LET ON that you know anything to her.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
affair with a married man who works in the same field and lives out of state. I know name age, location of OM. If you can, find his facebook page and start collecting evidence. Copy his family and friends names into a text doc for safekeeping. Find the contact information for his wife and your wife's employer. Take the time to go read the thread in my link, "Exposure 101."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 790 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 790 Likes: 4 |
Strategy is key in your situation. Snoop, gather evidence, don't get caught. If she catches you going through her phone, don't act guilty, but take control and say 'surely you have nothing to hide from me?' and change the subject.
Be prepared.
You can share your story in detail and if at some point there is a risk the thread is read by your spouse, you can ask the mods to hide them thread.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
[. I don’t have all the pieces but there is an emotional (maybe more) affair with a married man who works in the same field and lives out of state. sadfather, did you just find this out today or were you going to keep this to yourself in the hopes that it wouldn't matter to the plan we give you?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
357
guests, and
790
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,528
Members72,056
| |
Most Online8,273
Aug 17th, 2025
|
|
|
|
