This is an affair. Most likely it has already escalated to a PA. Especially if she is talking divorce.

I hope that you realize that MOST people do NOT want to believe their spouse is having an affair, even when the evidence is staring them right in the face. Your instinct is going to push you to believe "there is no OM".

Those are feelings, not facts.

I don't think it is a coincidence that you did not tell us in detail what you did to investigate. That is a red flag. Usually people who are serious about finding out what's going on will tell us what they are doing and ask for advice on how to proceed.

You stated that your W travels and works a lot and is away from the home - which would make investigating more difficult since the OM is a coworker. The chances that you have ruled out an affair this quickly are very low.

This is a very fixable situation but not if you just give up this easily.

Bingo! Well said. Agree with every point!

Ok, haven’t been around for a bit but have a big update. Wife and I had been getting along, agreed to live together for the next year and had been doing some normal family stuff together on the weekends. The original OM she was texting had stopped but there was a newer guy that she was communicating with during the week. Some business stuff, some personal like “how was your day, can’t wait to hear about your trip, lets Skype with wine and talk about this business etc.” Friendly banter but some of it inappropriate for a business relationship. The last straw for me was when she told him we were going to a movie last weekend
and her and our daughter were wearing matching dresses. He asked for a picture. She sent it to him
and he told her how pretty they looked. Involving my
daughter in this really crossed a line for me.

This Saturday we went to the pool as a family, had some drinks, went home and I BBQ’d, more drinks, basically a great family day. Ended up talking to an old friend that evening (who is divorced), told him the whole story. He basically told me to stop being a doormat, she is cheating and she is done and I need to get her out and move on. It really resonated at the time (after about 6 beers) and I ended up confronting her after daughter went to bed. At first she denied it but when I started quoting specific texts she admitted that is was wrong. She says she’s never as much as kissed another man during our relationship but she’s been lonely and hurt and this guy paying attention to her made her feel good about herself again. I think I believe her as this pretty much checks with what I thought was going on.

After her admission I really lost it. All the hurt and anger from the last month all came out. I yelled at her like I never have before. Told he she needs to move, I’m filing for divorce, called her a cheater and threatened to tell all of our friends. Told her how much she betrayed me and how I can never trust her again. You get the idea.

The next morning I felt terrible (and hungover!) and as soon as I saw her in the kitchen we both apologized, hugged and cried. We talked more about it later in the day and she says she will stop communicating with him
outside of business but she still wants a divorce. I apologized for the way in which I confronted her and how angry I got. We are now back to up in the air about staying in the house together and when exactly further steps will happen.

I don’t think my wife was really re-considering the divorce but I had built a little bit of goodwill the last couple of weeks but undid it all by the way I confronted her. I’m glad the EA is out but not sure what to do next. Help!!

Sadfather, we can't help you if you won't follow the advice. The advice is the same, snoop on her and get the goods. When you get it, come back here and we will help with next steps.

p.s. it's not an emotional affair, but a physical affair.

What do you mean? I have the goods, I confronted her and she admitted it. The OM lives in another country so I don’t think it’s physical.

I mean you need to snoop to find out what is really going on. There is much more going on here than you want to admit. She did not admit to an affair, she admitted to a minor internet flirtation to throw you off. There is more here and you need to find it.

What are your snooping resources? Does she know about every one of them?

How often does she travel on business trips with this guy?

I just went through her phone and computer when she wasn’t around. The OM is a client of her company, not a coworker so don’t think they travel together at all. I snooped for weeks and didn’t find anything more than a little flirting via texts.

Do you have spyware on her phone? What about her computer? And does she know it?

No. Her stuff is not really unattended long enough for that as she works from home. Plus her computer and phone are owned by her company so I think that would open up some legal issues with proprietary company knowledge, etc. With that said I had enough access in short bursts over the last few weeks that I’m pretty confident that I’ve seen everything.

The problem is that cheaters delete the evidence. Even the dumbest cheater knows to do that. You are going to have to find a better way to spy on her because this really is not spying. And since she knows you are looking she is even more careful to delete anything incriminating. I would encourage you to find some creative, effective ways to spy on her because I assure you there is much more going on here.

Got it. Gonna be tough as she knows I was snooping. What is the end goal though? Say I find more, then what? She already admitted that it was inappropriate and that she liked the attention. She’s the one that wants the divorce so I’m not sure how more evidence is going to change anything.

If you can get actual evidence of an affair, we have a strong chance of saving your marriage by killing the affair. That is the whole reason she wants the divorce, so ripping this weed out by the roots gives you the best chance. As long as the affair stays underground, it grows and thrives while your marriage fails.


She admitted to a minor flirtation on the internet that has nothing to do what is going on.

Please stop saying "I think I believe her now". There is NO believing a cheater - cheating would not exist without dishonesty. They go hand in hand.

Have you happened to check out the posting history of the people posting to you?? MelodyLane has been here for 18+ years. I have been here for 12+ years. Again - cheaters DO NOT tell the truth.

Do you think there is a reason that we do not suggest asking the cheater to confess? It is because you will get gaslighting and trickle truth and straight out lies. It's NEVER the full truth. NEVER.

Please stop asking your WW for information about her affair versus snooping. All you are doing is pushing the affair further underground.

The first thing you can do, RIGHT NOW, is to stop asking her about the OM and her affair. Just stop. All you are really doing is asking her to keep it hidden better from you. Is that you want?

No, you haven't. Sorry to tell you. Please stop going off of your "feelings" and start following the plan. If you HAVE seen everything, then how will further snooping hurt, if you find nothing more?

Usually when people say things like this (what I quoted above), they really just don't want to know anything more and don't want to have to do any affair fighting. I hope this is not true, in your case, but if it is, please just understand that all you are doing is making a bad situation WORSE.

Do you want this dirtbag to possibly be around your DD? We are trying to help you prevent the worst case scenario from happening.

Checking messages is really not snooping.


Here are some ideas:

Spyware on any home devices - computer, ipads, etc.
VAR in the car
GPS on the car
Spyware on phone

If I were you and I wanted to save my marriage and keep my family together, I would do all of the above.