I'm sorry that you've had to come back with such unpleasant news. I can hear how depressed you are about his behaviour. I think the only thing you can do is follow the advice that Dr Harley gave you last year. The poster BrainHurts is a genius at linking people's radio shows to their threads.

Dear Brainy,

Reasonswhy was on the radio show twice in 2019. She talks about it in this thread. Do you think you could link her shows here for us?

Hi BrainHurts

No she lives alone with her 2 teenage sons. I spoke to her yesterday and she was reluctant to reveal how they met, it wasnt online. I have no idea anything about her, where she lives where she works. She insisted that 'nothing much had happened' and kept trying to call me after I put the phone down and got as much info as I could get.

I only know her name is Vicky. I have exposed his affair to his workplace, all his friends, and all of his family. I am going to tell the school tomorrow. He is so involved there playing the big I am/pillar of society.

i have asked my sister to act as IM. He keeps trying to ring text but only to speak to the children. My sister will act is intermediary and has text him asking to leave me alone.

I am unsure what to do about access to the children, as I want them to see him for their sakes. My sister has told him that all contact goes through her, and that he can pick the kids up tomorrow after school and take them out for a few hours.

I have been deluded, he has simply been with me for the kids and I have let him. i am destroyed didnt sleep a wink last night. Kids are picking up on it the 6 year old has gone really quiet and the 7 year old keeps getting upset.

REasonswhy, you have done the right thing in asking him to move out. I think that is the best thing for all, especially for you. What do you think you handled badly?

Nobody is giving up on you. We want you to be safe. Give us updates as you move through this tough process.

What have you told the children? I will look up the radio clips. Do you remember what Dr. Harley had told you? Could you summarize it for us?

Hey MelodyLane

Thank you for responding. I came here about 6 months ago. I have been with my partner for 9 years (never married) we have a 6 yr old daughter and 7 year old son. There have been problems in the relationship, his angry outbursts, being cold and distant, refusal to get married. Confusing as most of his time wanting to spend all of his time with me and the children, never going on boys holidays or boys nights out but never really committed t me either. Dr Harley advised me to separate, with the intention of dating, falling in love again but not moving back in together until we were married. I came close to separating but never got the courage to follow through with it, i tried maybe twice and eventually buckled either off my own back or because he threw me crumbs. We both agreed we love each other and splitting up was never an option.

I have now discovered he has being having an EA with someone yesterday. I have exposed it to friends, family, his workplace. I should have separated ages ago now I have the added stress of a 3rd party. Do I expose to childrens school?

I actually feel relieved he has gone. I have felt like I have been in Plan A for 2 years, trying to keep him happy and prove I am worthy of him when I actually haven't done anything wrong.

I am using my sister as an IM. Which is a bit difficult. I am having some pressure from her to have some form of contact with him to keep the peace. I keep insisting I don't want to have contact. I found out about the affair yesterday. We didn't argue, I didnt shout. He told me that things havent been right for awhile, I said well they are not going to be whilst you are seeing someone else. Wasnt interested in his babble and asked him to leave. He said things havent been right over Christmas and NY. He said he was going to speak to me about moving out. I told him to leave again. He asked me what do I do, I don't want to take all my stuff in front of the children and upset them? I said do it when we were out. He came when the kids and I were out and cleared all of his stuff not leaving a thing behind.

I have tried keeping myself busy the last 24 hours. I went into work today and made my managers aware they have been very good and told me to take the time. One part relieved I dont have to deal with him and another part distraught over the loss of my family.

Sorry if the English isn't great I am still in shock and trying to calm myself down.

How do I deal with him seeing the children? My son has football 3 times a week where he is assistant coach?! I really don't want to see him incase I break. Actually the sound of his voice at the moment makes my toes curl!!

oh and i must add i am dealing with a very strong character. he has a very nasty angry streak and he will not like this at all.

one thing i dont get is the level of anger he has towards me - like he really hates me? not just now but over the last couple of years.

He keeps pestering my sister about access to the children - he only went yesterday. I have agreed with my sister for him to pick them up for a few hours tomorrow and take them out and drop them back home. He wants to come back here and cook them dinner? I have said no but worrried he will just turn up.

Best to lay down the law at the start, it will make life easier going forwards. Your children are old enough to get out of the car and walk to the door by themselves. If you think he might push into the house with them, arrange to do the hand-off somewhere else. Can he drop them off at your sister's house? Otherwise arrange for him to hand them off to you (say) at the local library

Hi BrainHurts

i have told the children that Daddy is staying in London for a few days as work is very busy. My eldest asked if we had an argument and I said yes over something very silly.

the radio shows were from around the 6 june - i was Teresa.

RW, you are correct to not see or speak to him. I would keep this up, but you shuold send over a very regimented visitation schedule and arrange with your sister to take care of the transfer. Your sister can give him the visitation schedule.

I would tell your children the truth. They are old enough to understand that he hurt you by having an inappropriate relationship with another woman. Let them know he won't be living there anymore.

Have you given any thught to the advice given by Dr Harley? If so, you could write your BF a letter and give him the conditions Dr Harley suggested.

Can you hire a locksmith and change your locks so he doesn't come in?

So I found out who the OW is. She worked at another company on the same project. I have her linked in profile. It is hitting me like a train the first thing I want to do is phone him and scream at him.

I nearly sent an email to some of the people at Robbie's work informing her who she is. I haven't done anything and I have been awake since 4am. I feel like i have pushed her into his arms.

He is obviously totally in love with her. I am mad about you he put in the text.

she is from london - and thats where he is staying at the moment. I feel like blocking him from seeing the kids tonight.

i am DESTROYED.

She has obviously been his confidant about us, and they have had a 'friendship' now it has moved onto something even more. When I spoke to her Sunday, she told me;

They hadn't had SF - they had only kissed.
That he told her we had split up
She was insistent for me NOT to break things up over this
I told her we had been on holiday for 2 weeks over Xmas
That we had been having SF

I feel like contacting her to find out more. How long the friendship has been going on.

I am going to have to go to the docs and get something to see me through this.

RW, I am sorry you are suffering so much. The very best thing you can do to alleviate your suffering is a) get on anti-depressants and b) go completely DARK. Do not speak to the OW or your boyfriend. I know it feels tempting to lash out, but it will only increase your suffering. STAY DARK.


Feelings are not truth. You did no such thing. If he were remotely serious about fighting for your relationship, he wouldn't have had this affair. You don't have the power to push him into anyone's arms.


Probably a lie. She has a vested interest in lying to you.

PLEASE follow my advice and stay away. You will only increase your suffering if you lash out. STAY DARK.

Thank you for your support Melody Lane.

My sister who is IM came over for the evening. Mainly to be there when he drops the kids back to the house. I decided that I would get out of the house for the first handover incase he decided to come in.

When I got back to the house my sister was distraught. We concentrated on getting the children to bed. My son was in a right state after the visit. He told me that Daddy had said to him Mummy has been texting lots of men and going on lunches, mummy doesn't love Daddy anymore and that Mummy won't let Daddy in the house. That Daddy is very angry with Mummy texting lots of people and saying bad things about him (exposure). My son told my sister that Daddy was crying at dinner that he couldnt be with the chidlren. My son was hysterical saying I want Daddy! I managed to calm him down which took about 30 mins. Then he said sorry Mummy and I said thats ok Mummy is not upset with you and Mummy loves you very much.

I am so angry that he did this to the children and filled their heads with BS.

Once the children were asleep my sister had told me that when he dropped them off at the house, my sister said thank you, and he replied 'they are my children' very huffy and short with her. SO now what? I let him see the children and he messes them up like this?