hello i am new here. i will try to make this as short as possible but give all imortant details.

so me and my wife had been having a rough time ups and downs over 2 years now. got a son of 6 years.brought my wife of a different nationality to my country and she could get a job for the past 6 years. i dint find her one either.
end of june she finally got a job that suited her timings. all that during our constant arguements. so for about 6 months i had given up even talking to her cause everytime she opened her mouth it would be an arguement or nagging. about 2-3months ago i closed my business and went totally broke and it became worse between us. then 1 day i approached her intimately and she rejected and said she is no longer connected to me. somehow i figured its due to my neglect. i asked her to work it out and she said she doesnt even feel like connecting.
my brain started running and i figured something is fishy. then one night she was sleeping and i tried to open her phone and noticed the lock pattern i knew is now changed.used her fingers while she was asleep and unlocked. snooped around and found in her notes she had kept a conversation about some guy telling her the following
- if i tell her then it will be easy for her to leave me but its not true cause i am not leaving her cause of another girl.

other notes were her writing he got me gum cause i wanted one, he got me phone cover cause my phone fell and stuff like that

i lost it and woke her up and confronted her. she got defensive. said its nothing and we had a mojor arguement in the middle of the night. she dint confess to anything

next night i snooped again and this time i had put in my fingerprint to unlock the phone without her knowing. this time i found a love contract like i will do this and that. a damn long list of nonsense and signed by another man. confronted her again and nothing.

finaly third night i saw a secretly saved whatsapp msg hidden in her phone. this was the last time and the whole chat was about how this coworker was so possessive of her and how she like to make him feel jealous. the hurt, pain , rage, anger and everything i felt at that moment was extreme. i have never felt like that in my life. finally she said sorry. too late now i found out everything and she never confessed anything. she asked me to give her a chance and said i will if she quits that job and cuts all contact with him. however she doesnt want to quit the job cause she got it after 6 years. now she is blaming me that i am the one who is ruining her job and that i should trust her and give her a chance while she still works there. my personality is if you break my trust you aint getting it again. i gave her the ultimatum to quit the job or leave my house.

since then whatever she has done is opposite of winning my trust.now i feel she is playing me. she isnt financially capable of getting her own place and so she suddenly said she wants to be with me and then work it out but i should let her work. otherwise if i cant then we part but she gets to stay in my house and when she is capable of moving out she moves out. she cheats and now she gives me choices. m so fed up and tired now i have lost all patience and even my humanity for her. now i told her if she continues to play me i will mess her life badly. told her to first leave my house and then she can do whatever she wants with whoever she wants.


i threw her out two times already and she came back to me and wants to show me that she still loves me and wants to continue working and win my trust slowly. however its been 3 weeks now and i dont even know whats real anymore and whats fake. i feel like love is also fake now. and there is nothing like love.

am i wrong to ask her to leave her job if she wants to win my trust and gain my love again for her?

at first i thought ill handle it and try to give her a chance to work and keep this family for my son. my son is my soul, a hug from him cures all my stress in 1 minute. thats how what he means to me. but now i feel like its better to part rather than being played like this.
she has been hiding more and everytime i catch her in a lie its the same acting that starts from her, why did i come back to this man? eye rolling and all that to avoid it. please help. i just simply cant try to make this work without her leaving that damned job. what should i do?

i would also say that i havent handled this situation well due to 2 things
1)i had caught her once chating dirty stuff during when we were engaged.and now she has a total memory loss of that
2)my emotional instability.

i have lost control of my emotions and myself. have broken things in the house smashed my phone to pieces. when i calm down and ask her, i sense her lies, its just so obvious. when i lose it i have even come to the point of terrorising her into speaking the truth with a knife on my throat, she quickly answers and then later says she did that cause i terrorised her, now i know thats totally wrong of me to do but i have really lost it all and she doesnt even try to do 1 thing right.
i put a spy app in her phone, last to last sunday she went out and called him and talked 8 full minutes outside work hours, now when i told her to do so infront of me, she started trembling cause she was caught offguard. she didnt. m totally lost. no idea what to do now.

Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.

Did you save the evidence of your evidence? Do you know who the OM is? Is he married?

And yes she needs to quit that job. Have you read the exposure thread?

And you have got to stop having Angry outbursts. We understand how emotional and hurtful an affair is, but you have to control your anger. Can you do this?

Read the exposure thread from Surviving Affair Start Here

Silver, you are a very dangerous man and I fear for your wife's life. I would strongly suggest you find a room somewhere and get out of there. We can help you bust up the affair if you are not living there but there is nothing we can we do as long as you are there. You are too volatile to work through this terrible situation and I fear for your wife's life.

unfortunately she deleted all the evidence and the only evidence i had i smashed it away on my phone.
secondly i come from a muslim background so exposing someone elses bad deeds is forbidden for us. i follow my religion moderately and so this is a heart ache for me to be able to do.
yes when i get angry i become extremely dangerous, i normally keep my anger off and bottle it up, i remove it with my daily workouts and then when calm i talk it out with my wife. however this came as a shock to myself and being very strong hearted i am surprised myself that i put a knife on my own throat. i feel ashamed i did that. never ever thought i would or even could that.
yes and when i said to her i will mess her life if she continues to play me was also not fully explained by me here, i told her i will divorce her on the spot and tell my family members to get her out of my house on the spot. so far i havent told anyone yet except here online. i am fighting this war all on my own. and that affair partner is busy poisoning her. he is married and i think the note i saw was him telling her that he wants to leave his wife. truly i think he is a scum and playing around.
i just feel torn and ripped off from my own identity

Will your wife come here and speak to us?

as in here online right? let me try and convince her to come.

Yes, we would like her to come here online.

well she will not come. she is downplaying the whole thing. at first she said she has a crush on that co worker. now its just friendship. now it was nothing. i really am thinking of getting this divorce now.

silver777, did you see this post from MelodyLane?

You should act on this advice immediately. We cannot sanction violence on this forum, no matter what a spouse has done. You are not going to get help here with breaking up the affair as long as you are under the same roof as your wife and putting health and safety - not to mention life and limb - at risk.

Please leave her alone and get out of there. Stop confronting her about the affair. You are too volatile and dangerous to deal with her. She is frightened of you, and retracting what she said before, because she fears what you will do next. By your own admission you have no control over your temper. Please leave her alone.

thanks sugarcane, i will immediately stop that and leave her alone

What are you going to do to assure your wife is safe?

well i have to leave this house, thats all. although as i mentioned i had gone totally broke after closing my business and have just started recovering financially. literally i have only about 2000usd as my daily capital so getting a room to rent and totally becoming a begger i guess is the only way to save my marriage then yes. i am afraid of calling a friend even cause this will become viral where i live and its a big issue for us. but for the past 2 nights i have been sleeping alone and not talking much with my wife. please guide me what nexxt once i have left the house tomorow morning as its already past 12am and she is also sleeping.

i just want to give her space and thats for 2 nights now we have been apart but in the same house. my temper is gone but i still feel depressed and that our family will fall apart if i dont get the right guidance act correctly in time.

another major problem i am facing is that my wife has always had this self esteem issues, what will this one think, what will that one think of me. what does this family member think of me. i have always reassured her not to worry about what people think. so if i expose this to any family member then this will cause her trauma and this might make things from bad to worse. she did request me not to tell anyone and she will change but she will not leave that job. but she had a crush so i know maybe she will controll it for a few days but like an addict it always starts again and then it gets even worse. and the affair partner is possessive of her so he will do everything to ruin us. his married life seems a mess already

silver, the problem you have is that you do not have control of your temper. As such, you should not be around her at all until you get some serious help with your temper. You can't be around her for now.

I would advise you to notify the OM's wife of the affair though. She has a right to know what her husband and your wife are doing to her.

hi everyone-im silver777's wife

To be honest i didn't want to come here but hubby convinced me it will help the both of us. My side of the story - we have been disconnected for long now hes busy with his work and i got a job ( no thanks to him) after long- n after some time became friends with a collegue and it turned into meaningless flirtation, joking around. Hubby saw a message of the flirtation and all hell broke loose from emotional blackmail to suicide attempts to physical abuse.-i went away fr few days but came back coz of my son. I missed him. i have been explaining to hubby that it was innocent flirtation n nothing more-but he wants me to quit- i dont want to, i love this job n i feel that i have sacrificed enough in my life for him.

MrsSilver, it is extremely important that you leave your home and stay away. Your husband has been very violent and is not a safe person to be with.

And no, your affair was not an "innocent flirtation." You are having an affair with another woman's husband and it needs to stop. In the meantime, you need to move to a safe place so you don't get killed.