I never wanted any of this - and really cant believe he does deep down. Dear god - please let him come to his senses.

Reasonswhy, I hope that you come to your senses. That is what is imperative here because if you don't, you are facing years of agony. I would strongly suggest that you take this opportunity to follow Dr Harley's advice. Additionally, you will have to affair proof your relationship. You have an opportunity to really turn this around if you can follow a plan. I have a feeling that you are only in Plan B to punish him rather than to protect yourself from his destructive behavior. Destructive behavior that will continue if you don't manage this correctly.

Can you outline Dr Harley's advice to you?

You are sorely in need of legal advice about all this.

This seems to be a case of a wealthy man who did not marry the mother of his kids, and keeps his finances separately from her, all so that she cannot touch his wealth. He has done this so that he can walk away from you without many ties. It's becoming clear to me that he did not properly ask you to marry him because he was ambivalent about the relationship and he wanted to be able to move on easily. (I don't know why women put up with this refusal to get married.)

Paying you a salary helps his business; as an employee earning less than the annual tax and NI threshold, he has fewer costs than if he were paying you more, and all the costs are to his business - not from his personal income. However, as this counts as a salary, it should be added to your other earned income, and the chances are that you should be paying tax and NI on that joint amount; is this happening? If it's not, how do you know you won't be landed with a large tax bill at some point? This arrangement is not favourable to you.

Child support should come out of his personal income - and a judge might decree that he needs to pay MORE, as he has a profitable business. It would also not be taxable as your personal income.

I'm no expert on this; this is just what I have gathered as a UK citizen having dealt with tax, as well as marriage problems, on a personal level.

You need to wake up and protect yourself and your children. You seem to have been in a bit of a daze so far. This is understandable, but it needs to stop.

MelodyLane is right. His senses are not the issue here; yours are.

He seems to me to have organised his life very well so that you do not have a claim on it. He hasn't wanted to marry you, and he has been horrible to you for a long time in this relationship because he is not in love with you, and now he has found someone else and moved on easily, so what makes you think he isn't in his right senses? (To be clear: I don't think he has ever been in his right senses, to treat the mother of his children like this - and you sound so lovely and protective, and hurt - but this is who he is, and I don't see what incentive he would have to change now.)

You, however, have clung to him and allowed him to move back despite Dr Harley telling you how messed up the relationship has always been, and you haven't even looked into your legal rights. You own that home 50/50: if he sold the house and kept his 50%, could you provide a home for the children with your 50%? (Not so, from what I know about UK house prices.)

A judge won't let him sell the house and make you homeless, but you haven't even sought legal advice to see how to protect your children. It's your senses that I'm worried about.

Hi Melody Lane

There are 2 radio clips and I have no idea how to post it here on the website. I was called Teresa and it was on these dates;

Thursday, May 30,2019
Thursday, June 6, 2019

Dr Harley emailed me;

"My basic advice is for your to separate (he moves out) and date while separated if he is willing. Don't move in together until you are married with a clear idea about what marriage is. My book, Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders can be downloaded as an ebook from Amazon or just about any ebook source. Read it. Once separated, your relationship will either go forward or backward. It could end in divorce. But if it manages to recover, you will have the relationship that you've always wanted".

Dr Harley recommended separation for 2 reasons - he is an alchoholic, has a anger problem and said we were both renters.

Ofcourse now there is an OW involved so I have no idea how this changes things.

That is why I said in the beginning that I was annoyed for not seeing it through when I tried to separate with him before, because now it is even more complicated. I asked him to leave and get another place (which he agreed was the right thing to do) however he made several attempts to get me to buckle which I didn't and then on the day he was suppose to sign a housing contract, he decided he wanted to talk, which i did, and then I buckled.

Thank you, Reasons.

Hi Sugar Cane

Thank for taking time out to help - you seem very knowledgable about the 'practical side' which is great. Yes I am very aware of how he has operated. I was never too bothered about marriage initially. When I was first pregnant with our first child, he casually said in bed one night - did you want to get married? To which I said your alright thank you, not like that anyway! Because it was a half baked rubbish proposal. there was no meaning to it. Please be assured this is about me realising that I wont put up with his refusal to get married. Well one of the reasons anyway. There are lots. 80% of the time I am on plan, 20% i wobble and go down a destructive path.

You definetly tell it how it is SugarCane i nearly choked when I read this post I had a cry and a chuckle at the same time. Yes I did cling to him. I clung to him because I didnt want to have a broken home, because i didnt want my children to grow up away from me and I wanted desperatley to have a 'happy family'. I am also a fighter and thats what I tried to do. 2 years he has been a complete monster to me. He has been cold, indifferent, demanding, controlling, mean, angry and needy. I couldn't believe what I was seeing most of the time. I am completely mind boggled with his behaviour. on Saturday he was showing me how he was building an out house in the garden for our kids so when they were teenagers they had somewhere to play! He tried to have SF with me Sunday and also booked a holiday for us all only 2 weeks ago to go away in the Summer, meanwhile having his OW. Bizarre.

Now I am free, and the house is so quiet.

Yes I could provide a decent home for our children with 50%. I could afford a nice home. Nothing like we have now but something comfortable. I also have a well paid role working in cyber security. Do you what I wouldn't even want his dirty money if we were married? He can shove it.

I have looked into my legal rights last year. When we agreed he was moving out last summer after my dealing with Dr Harley I sought some advice from a bull dog lawyer who had been through similiar cases. The solicitor in question said that unmarried mothers when it comes to maintenance only receive child support based on UK government guide lines unless the fathers are super wealthy. Also there is a new law come in which begins with 'P" i cant remember its full name. Its basically a case similiar to mine which unmarried couple, woman gave up her career to bring up kids. Partner got super wealthy and because of that was able to take a chunk of his fortune. If I could be bothered to do that - you know deal with lawyers, court hearings ect..all the pain associated with that.

The trick is to let your lawyer handle most of it, like plan B. And don't throw away your rights under influence of emotions. Let a professional tell you what your rights are and how to handle.

An average wayward has no plan and acts foolish. Get legal advice, make a plan. Strategize. Document.

PS.. Who are you people? I am just looking at how many posts you have done and how long you have been here helping people like me. I am actually becoming really addicted to this site, all the notable posts and threads quite mad. I looked at some from a poster called Just Learning. They were pretty amazing. Thank you.

Ok, thanks. So his advice would be to stay separated until a) alcoholism resolved b) anger management completed and c) affair ended and don't move in together unless you are married. Are you willing to do those things? If you are, I would write him a Plan B letter outlining what it will take for reconciliation. When there are anger management issues, Dr Harley recommends that couples stay apart at least a year to demonstrate anger free behavior. You have the additional issue of his alcoholism that has to be addressed.

I would reach out to this lawyer - or another of your choice - and get a custody and financial agreement in place so he doesn't leave you high and dry. You need to get a legal agreement.

Hi All

I went to the bank yesterday - we have 16k in the joint account. I checked with the bank that its joint signatures so that he cant take any out. We set it up that way and the only way money can be withdrawn is if we both sign for it.

[quote=MelodyLane
Ok, thanks. So his advice would be to stay separated until a) alcoholism resolved b) anger management completed and c) affair ended and don't move in together unless you are married. Are you willing to do those things? If you are, I would write him a Plan B letter outlining what it will take for reconciliation. When there are anger management issues, Dr Harley recommends that couples stay apart at least a year to demonstrate anger free behavior. You have the additional issue of his alcoholism that has to be addressed.



[/quote]

There is no way I would have anything to do with him unless he was willing to do those things. Which will never happen so thats that.

I need to focus on how horrendous its been for me. I also am recovering from how he has treated me for the past 2 years. He has treated me so badly. Its like I need to build myself up again. How do I do this?

Drafting the visitation schedule ready to send over.

The affair almost seems minimal now it is the way he has mistreated me for so long which has been far worse.

By staying completely DARK. You will be amazed at how much better you feel in a few short weeks if you stay dark. You will feel better than you have in years and have much better judgement.


Your sister needs to deliver this and make it clear that this what you will agree to.

There is no way I would have anything to do with him unless he was willing to do those things. Which will never happen so thats that.[/quote]

I tend to agree.

I have felt the most relaxed today I have in days. No drama - lovely. I am sat here at home candles lit, favourite TV, actually feeling a huge sigh of relief that he has gone. Its like I am noticing so many things. How we lived our horrendous life. How I am going to be so much better off away from him, that I am actually not going to have a complete breakdown and be fine. He was always so loud, hectic and demanding it was exhausting.

For example, how disrespectfully my son talks to me, and I guess that he has picked this up from his father? I really told him off today that being unkind is simply not acceptable and that if he continues then he will go to his room, he actually came out and said sorry Mummy. That way of speaking to me is quite normal to him but I am putting a stop to that too. I think they are starting to miss their Dady as they have asked to call him.. The next visit is planned for Saturday. This must be hard for them as they are use to seeing him and speaking to him everyday. They have not spoken to him since Tuesday, and I cant help feeling how he must be? I would literally be tearing my hair out by now.

His best friend came over this morning to complete some work on the extension, I am very close to him and his wife and the 2 families go skiing every year for Christmas. I exposed to him and his wife on Sunday. When I went outside to get in the car (i made an extra effort to look a bit glam), he came over and looked like he was going to cry - are you ok reasons and gave me a huge hug. I kept it very brief told him I was doing ok, and then left for school. I was quite proud of myself. Sticking to Plan B still.

Thanks all for getting me through those last few days. Feeling lots of love for my mother and sister - they have been marvellous.

Reasons.