This is the last email I got from Dr. Harley yesterday:

"I talked with H this morning and he gave me more information about the relationship he had with the OW and how toxic it was for him and your relationship. He admitted as being as compulsive about it as the OW was, and I'm hoping he that he has the strength to remain faithful to you. I emphasized transparency at all cost and avoiding a second life. I'm more optimistic this time.

Dr. Harley"

He has never recommended divorce.

So he has addressed it. Do you think your husband really will live a transparent life?

I don't know. I think he wants to, and is doing everything I ask of him. But obviously given the history I am very afraid. Maybe the fear is a good thing, I don't think I was afraid enough last time.

Just a thought...
Being afraid of what he will most likely do again won't help you. Secretly monitoring him, though necessary, won't eliminate the fear either. Have you thought about auto-scheduled polygraphs? You could supply the questions upfront, covering vulnerable topics. I have found this idea helpful for building/reinforcing transparency and encouraging thoughtfulness. Since the day of reckoning is pre-scheduled, it might be more difficult for him to compartmentalize.

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Just a thought...
Being afraid of what he will most likely do again won't help you. Secretly monitoring him, though necessary, won't eliminate the fear either. Have you thought about auto-scheduled polygraphs? You could supply the questions upfront, covering vulnerable topics. I have found this idea helpful for building/reinforcing transparency and encouraging thoughtfulness. Since the day of reckoning is pre-scheduled, it might be more difficult for him to compartmentalize.[/quote]

Hi Didn'tquit, yes I have been thinking about this, Dr. Harley even mentioned the idea of annual polygraphs. I like the idea of it, but haven't figured out how to go about them to really give them teeth. Say for example, you ask something along the lines of, have you had contact with the AP? And they fail that question but you have no other evidence of contact. Would that be enough to say you're done? So what do you do if they fail the poly? I guess for it to be effective they need to know up front that if they fail you're done? But is that an empty threat that they know they could wriggle out of if they have covered their tracks otherwise?

If you decide to stay married to him for whatever logical reasons you might have, they key focus is not just his affair partner. It is way bigger task than that. Consider all of the facts you have brought to light regarding the affair, and the conditions of your husband's current job coupled with his poor judgment/boundaries around women. If he can't be transparent which would eliminate the possibility of a secret second life, then you will live in constant fear that he will have another affair, lose his job, etc.

So, to answer your original questions: The repeated polygraphs I am referring to comprise a "transparency training and accountability" program of a sort. The expert needs to understand and agree with the long-term goal. Your husband needs to be on board with the goal. The questions would be reflect overall transparency including but not necessarily limited to inappropriate behavior with women other than his spouse. They can be the same questions every time. My personal opinion is that the window of time should be a couple of months at first, short enough that a mental conflict arises between the risk of impulsive behavior vs. a looming polygraph accountability test. It would take a huge amount of willingness from your husband, so it is important to reward his honesty and transparency. Initially, you will hear difficult things. But, it's worth it. The benefit to this process is peace of mind for both of you, increased trust through verification of transparency and improved intimacy.

Thank you, I agree that it would be about much more then the AP, I just used that as an example. It seems though for this to be effective there has to be some consequence to failing the test, regardless of what the question is. Otherwise how do they feel the pressure to be accountability?

If lying doesn't matter to you, then there would be no point in getting a polygraph. If it does matter to you and it is a condition of marriage, then the marriage would be over if you established he was lying. I think the basic question would be: am I willing to stay married to a liar or am I not. If you are, then there is no point in getting a poly.

Most liars and cheaters do not like failing PG tests, so they typically confess on the way to the test. No one can tell you how to conduct your marriage, but if it were me in your situation, I would be setting up a polygraph annually and if he failed it, I would get divorced.

Agree x100.

I wouldn't bother unless you intend to do something about it. What's the point?