Hello everyone. I’m new to register but have lurked for a few days. Anyway, I’m looking for some advice. A little back story. I have been with my wife for over 16 years married for 15. We met at 20 (me) and 17 (her). We have 5 kids. For the last 3 months she was having an affair and it got really bad. She decided to get our oldest 15 year old daughter involved, and tried to get her to call him dad. Lie to my other children when they met in public about it being a co worker for a friends father. She told my daughter her goal was to leave me before my birthday and take the kids in hopes I would kill myself. Now I knew something was off for a while and did constantly nag her about what was what and who’s number was this on the phone bill etc. She decided to get another prepaid phone as a result. Well the stress finally got to my daughter and she broke down and told me everything. I walked into our bedroom told her I knew everything, and knew about the phone, her solution was to walk out without saying a word to me or the kids. This was 2 weeks ago today.

Since than she’s seen the kids 3x. 2 of those times was because we invited her to lunch or a playground. We’ve texted or talked everyday except yesterday. Sometimes she’s really nice and sometimes she’s mean as nails. She has gone days without reaching out to the kids in anyway, and when she does it’s to FaceTime for 2 mins and she considers it mission accomplished.

She tries to claim i was controlling and treated her like a dog. I’ve ruminated about this for 2 weeks. I don’t see it. I never stopped her from seeing her friends. Never told her no. Was always respectful to anyone I met. The last 3 months when my intuition went off, yeah I acted out of character. I did even make 2 fake phone numbers trying to get her ton admit to it, but other than that, I’ve always been supportive and kind. She was honestly the best friend I ever had.

I don’t understand what happened. She was the best wife and mother and friend any man could ask for.

I’m still trying to figure out if this is her now, and accept it. Or if something has happened to make her completely lose her self.

And sadly even knowing everything I do, I still want to work things out. She’ll never go to counseling with me so that’s out of the question. She said she’ll go on a date with me tomorrow, but I can tell she doesn’t want too. I honestly just don’t know what to do.

I’m very scattered brain right now, so if I need to clarify anything please let me know. But basically I’m trying to figure out the best course of action to win my wife back. Sad I know.

And as additional info me and the kids are in family counseling without her.

Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.

Who is this OM (other man)? Is he married? You said she left. Where is she staying?

Have you read the exposure thread on here?

Hi STeven, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. Where is your wife? Who is the other man? Have you identified him? How did she meet him? Who has been told about her affair?


It is very typical for a cheating spouse to rewrite history to blame their spouse for the affair. Nothing you have listed here is control on your part I see control on her part, though. If she forced you to put up with going out with her friends, that is controlling behavior. Are there any other ways you could have controlled her?

She supposedly staying at a friends house. Yes i know who he is. She works at a credit union and he’s a member. And sadly my daughter goes to school with his son. I know he’s in the middle of a divorce too. I never knew of him until now And honestly no, I can’t think of anything I did that could be consider controlling. I mean she had her own bank account with her credit union and I didn’t even care that I wasn’t on it and couldn’t check it with the app. But she’s on my BOA account, with full access and it doesn’t bother me. Well didn’t. And she never went out all that much. So I didn’t feel it was an issue. What I mean by that is if she was out clubbing til 2am coming home loaded I would have had an issue with that. Once or twice a month she went to dinner with the friend she’s supposedly staying at. She says she’s stopped talking to the other man. Obviously I don’t believe that for a second. And no I haven’t checked out the exposure thread. I’ll do that now.

I checked out the exposure thread. It was more than hey mom had an affair and we’re divorcing. It was hey moms having an affair and needs your help covering it up, making the other 4 hate him and hopefully he kills himself. And unfortunately I’m not kidding, or exaggerating.

I would gather as much intel as you can about him and make plans to expose the affair to his family and yours. Have you read the exposure thread and put together a plan?

I would also find out where she is staying. Who does she stay with? How is she seeing the OM? Have you spoken to the OM's wife? Have you found the OM's facebook page?

Exposure is the single best weapon you have against this affair. If you can kill the affair, you have a chance to save your marriage. Most affairs don't make it, but exposure hastens its death and makes it more likely you can save your marriage.

Sadly, she’s not hiding she had one. She honestly doesn’t seem to care. She just blames me for not being a good husband or father. If I didn’t know better I’d say there’s a substance abuse issue. But I can’t imagine that’s the case. She’s never cared what she “looked like” to others. It’s weird. The only thing she has seemed to care about is her job.

That's fine, but people who do know will care. Such as the OM's wife and family, their employer. Her family, friends, etc.

Is she telling her workplace that she is having a workplace adulterous affair? Most managers and human resource directors have a big problem with workplace adulterers because they are walking legal liabiilities. Everyone should know about the affair.

Well yesterday she blew off our “date” and blew off seeing the kids. My son asked if we could just drive by the guys house just to see if she was there. Sure enough she was, with her sister in law and nephew. Unreal. So obviously within 5 mins my phones ringing and she demanding to take the kids today and talk to them about her boyfriend and freaking moving in with him. They all told her absolutely not. Haven’t heard from her today, but I know my one daughter texted her basically saying why would you pick the OM and meeting his kids over seeing us. Sad part is, I knew she was lying but hoped she was truthful. Seems to almost be a game to lie, like it’s all of a sudden fun for her. Idk maybe when it’s a secret it’s better. Anyway, I guess it’s just time accept the woman I married and the mother my kids knew is gone. Who knows if she’ll ever come back, but I know I won’t have any contact anymore with her unless I have too. I just feel so bad for my kids. They just want their mothers attention and affection and she just won’t give it. And no one understands why.

I'm sorry for all the pain you and your family are suffering because of your wife's affair. Dr. Harley has a really good book called Surviving an Affair. You can get it online through Kindle or in a hard back copy. We can help you navigate your way through this forum, but it's a good idea to get the book, too.

If you want to try and save your marriage, you must take very specific steps and keep your emotions under control as much as possible. If you are feeling emotionally all over the place, or depressed, you might need to see your doctor and go on anti depressants for a while, just to help get your through this.

As MelodyLane offered, the first step is exposure. This is very important. Read through the Exposure 101 thread she has linked in her signature. You will need to be very strategic about this.

Meanwhile, go to the Notable Posts section and read up on what you, as the betrayed spouse, should be doing. You need to read up Plan A. Plan A is being a really good husband, no love busters, such as selfish demands or disrespectful judgments. if she has expressed complaints about you, address them. Be very kind and patient, but snoop, get evidence that would convince a jury and expose the affair.

Steven, you would be perfectly within your rights if you decided to end the marriage, but you still need to expose the affair. Everyone should know. Even if you don't want to save your marriage, you need to do as much as possible to expose it so the affair dies more quickly and your kids don't have to be exposed to her affair.

Secondly, you should file for divorce while she is in the throws of her affair so you have a legal advantage. Fogged out waywards tend to hand everything over to their spouse when their judgement is impaired. This gives you a chance to protect your children and your finances. You should also take her OFF any joint accounts because she will wipe out your family money if given a chance.

It doesn't seem you are even reading our posts, though, and you aren't going to get much help here if you ask for advice and then don't take it. It's real important that you are planning a strategy rather than just reacting. Very hard to do but it can be done if you will take the advice.

I am absolutely reading and taking the advice. I guess I wasn’t clear. She is reveling in the affair. She didn’t hide it from anyone but me. Her job knows. Her co-workers know. Her family knows. Everyone knows. There’s is no one left to expose it too. She took steps for months behind my back to make me look like a horrible person, father and husband. She told her family she was looking for a place of her own to rent for over a year. She’s charming and incredibly charismatic. Where I am an introvert and incredibly soft spoken. She honestly had my 5 kids convinced I was a bad person. My only saving grace is she got up and walked out when the facts of the affair were no longer deniable and she hasn’t tried to see the kids and has ignored them for days on end.

I do appreciate you reminding me I need to get her off my bank account. I knew it, but with everything happening it absolutely slipped my mind.

Sad part is, I still don’t know if she lost her mind, or if this has been her the entire time and I was blinded by my love for her.

Thank you for the advice and the help. I really do appreciate it.

You need to expose yourself. What she exposed is a different story than the truth. Get the facts, read the exposure thread again and plan, strategize.

This is the reason you should expose. She has spun the story and you need to get the truth out there. You have not even spoken to the OM's wife or his parents or their employer. You are just sitting back allowing these waywards to spin the story with some misleading crap like "my husband was abusive and I had to leave him..." [a very typical story] They always lie about the betrayed spouse and as such, create an environment where the affair is easy to conduct.

Also, you have NO IDEA what these people do know because you have not spoken to them. No one has told them the truth and enlisted their help to put pressure on the affair.

You need to start taking some action steps here if you want to save your marriage.


She is a classic, TYPICAL wayward spouse who is high on the addiction of an affair. You should view her as a falling down drunk. Your objective is to kill her affair so she will sober up. But that is less likely to happen if you won't expose the affair.

Her HR manager knows WHAT exactly? When did you speak to her boss and HR manager and what did you tell them?

What EXACTLY did you tell the OM's wife? What exactly did you tell your wife's parents?

Do all these people in your life support and endorse adultery? That would be very, very odd.

What do her parents think of her adultery with a married man? What do they think of her abandoning her children for her affair? Are they all in favor of her disgraceful behavior? As a parent of a grown married man, I can tell you I would have a problem with that if my son were doing the same.

Unfortunately her mom passed away about 2 years ago and her father was in a motorcycle accident and has a TBI. I did email her HR department today. I guess I should stop assuming her job knows. I just know she bought him stuff on amazon and had it delivered to her place of employment. I do know for a fact some coworkers know, but I don’t know for a fact anyone that could do something about it knows. I know with my job there has been plenty of affairs and my employer doesn’t care. And I would assume at this point she would just tell them she left me for him, and there is no affair anymore? Idk. As far as the OM wife, she knew because I saw her texts the OM sent to My wife. And they’re in the middle of a divorce anyway according to my daughter who was put in the middle of all this. The few friends of hers I have talked to have said she just doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t know how to move forward or isn’t thinking clearly. Or she loves me but isn’t in love with me and she loves the OM. I do know she’s lying to them because my daughter talked to her aunt, who is the wife of my brother in law, and she was shocked to hear MW had agreed to go on a date last weekend.

As stupid as it sounds, I feel like i may have just ruined everything by letting her job know. I’m afraid she’s going to hate me now if she does lose her job. But I suppose it’s not like everything is sunshine and smiles anyway.

I do appreciate everyone’s patience with me. And I really appreciate the advice. I feel like I’m living in the twilight zone.

If anything is ruined, it's not because you let her employer know about her adultery; it's because of her adultery that is so destructive - not telling people about it. Your marriage can survive her anger, so go ahead and follow through with the plan to expose. This part is really important. Exposure shines the light of day into a very destructive situation. Not everyone in her and your life will condone what she is doing. There may be a few allies to you who will tell her that her behavior is extremely destructive. Exposure will help you as well by giving you some much-needed support in your very stressful time.

Your best plan is to follow through with exposure as described in MelodyLane's signature and start immediately being a really great husband, no love busters. She will be very upset at the exposure but that's okay. Exposure will hasten things along, either to divorce or reconciliation.

Your post concerns me terribly because it doesn't seem like you are willing to follow a strategic plan. Are you? You are all over the place and instead of following the plan in Exposure 101, you are basically telling me why this can't be done. Have you even read the exposure thread in my signature?

Are you just unwilling to do this?

I absolutely am. This is stuff that took place before I ever came to the site. I.E a week after she left she wanted to go on a date the next weekend with me. I was just saying I know she’s not telling everyone the truth about everything and is hiding certain things because no one besides me and the kids knew about that. I openly admit for the first 2 weeks or so I did absolutely everything wrong. I was there at her beckon call, was always available, told her how much I love her etc.

I’m sorry my post concerns you, but as I previously said, I did email her HR department. I did send out some messages over Facebook last night as well. My only concern was she was going to blame me for everything and use that against me. I.E. tell the kids I ruined her life or I’m being vindictive and have it completely back fire. It was just a concern. As far as exposing the affair, as I already stated previously, she wasn’t hiding it at all. They just had her version of what happened, and I am trying to change what they were told and am making sure the truth is told. I

Btw the day of the “date came and went without it happening”. Just as FYI.