My husband and I just celebrated 20 years of marriage. We have a great marriage in all areas but one - I don’t trust him. While I’ve never found evidence of an affair, he loves female attention. He’s very secretive about his electronics. He watches a lot of porn. And I think I’ve pinned down the real issue - I think he has a “mild” voyeur problem. He takes picture of women - nothing sexual, just in bikinis on the beach, in a tight dress somewhere - and hides them in a secret folder on his phone. We had discussed this before, he says he’ll stop, but he doesn’t. He thinks it’s no big deal, it’s a “cheap thrill”. We have a great and active sex life. We are best friends. He is a highly responsible career person and a truly kind man. I don’t even have an issue with the porn, we watch together at times. But this feels like betrayal and I’m having a hard time trusting him. I’ve caught him from day 1 doing questionable things..and always rationalized them. I can’t reconcile the deep love he shows me, the tenderness with which he cares for me, with these behaviors. He calls me possessive and jealous so he needs to hide things from me at times and is afraid of my reaction, but I feel I’m reactive, not naturally like this. Covid was a happy reset for our relationship - but even during this, he’s done this twice, once today. I’m so numb from it already. Please help, or at least help validate me .

TMS, your description of your relationship as a "great marriage in all areas but one" defies reality and I suspect you have been telling yourself this for a very long time. That is a hard sell given the list of issues I see.

There are many more problems here than just trust, add thoughtless and dishonesty. The most glaring one is that he doesn't care about your feelings. His desire to gawk at other women, use porn, and take their photos comes before your feelings. You said IF it is not a big deal, why won't he stop?

When you object to his thoughtless behavior, he gaslights you and calls you "possessive and jealous." Jealousy is a normal reaction to a threat in marriage. Most women are very offended when their husbands use porn and admire other women.

Add dishonesty to that list and that does not amount to a good marriage.


In what way? Does he have female friends?

Porn is very bad for marriages in general because it puts you in competition with 18 yr old porn queens. That is his point of comparison. That has manifested into his taking photos of other females. Sex should be exclusive in marriage and it is not in yours. He should be getting his "cheap thrills" in his marriage, not outside of it.

Please read this article about the damage porn causes to marriages: THE SCOURGE OF PORNOGRAPHY

Thank you so much for your reply. He does have several female acquaintances but not “friends”. He works on a female dominated field and so his exposure to women is constant. They aren’t “friends” in that he doesn’t “hang out” with them. He doesn’t text or call to say hello. He enjoys attention in that he lets them dote on him at work - “take care” of him (make sure he ate, etc). I feel that he develops these mini crushes on women, and they on him.

You are also correct in that is IS a big deal, that’s why I think it’s an addiction and f some sort.

And it may be, which is even greater reason for him to stop. If he doesn't stop it will cause great harm to your marriage because your resentment will grow and grow. A loving spouse does not put anything above his spouse's feelings.

That is a huge problem. This, coupled with his focus on women's bodies, is a huge issue threatening your marriage. If women are developing crushes on him, and vice versa, then he is meeting certain needs and vice versa. That is very unprofessional behavior that leads to workplace affairs. Once one need is met outside of marriage, the others are soon to follow.

You are exactly right. I am resentful of it. I guess I just needed to hear that this is not "normal" behavior and that I am not crazy to be upset about this. I always "find" these things it seems, I admit I snoop because I am insecure.

No, you snoop because he is untrustworthy and engages in marriage wrecking behavior. There is nothing wrong with that. You have a right to know what he is doing behind your back since it affects you too.

You are not crazy, but lets remove language like "normal" and "crazy," and focus on what bothers you both. Anything that bothers the other should be eliminated. You don't have to justify it. What bothers me might not bother you, for example. If you want to protect the love in your marriage, you eliminate anything that harms that. If your marriage is full of behavior that make you unhappy, the marriage will eventually fail because you will fall out of love.

Please take the time to read through the Basic Concepts especially the The Policy of Joint Agreement.

Please just bear with me as I am not exactly asking for advice, just need to get this out. It's a work in progress. DH and I got married 20 years ago. Even before we were married he was too flirtatious with other women, liked looking at other women, and I caught him (trapped him, if you will) by pretending to be a stranger in a chat room and he jumped right at the chance. Stupidly I married him anyway and for 20 years have been swallowing crow and all the while knowing that something is just not right. DH's father was a serial philanderer and I believe that this may be the case here too. I have no proof that he ever cheated on me, just what I would call circumstancial evidence. We share an account for buying apps and I have found no less than 10 apps for hiding texts, calls, private messages, and pictures/videos. His phone and computer are locked down and use private browsers. He doesn't share those passwords with me. Up until recently he refused to use Life360. He had what I would call friendships with women that made me uncomfortable - not because I think anything actually happened, but because I feel that he enjoyed the attention. He always had edgy people he was friends with, people I would not choose. He would deny all of this of course but I am not stupid nor in denial. Bottom line I think he has major issues. I think he has a need for this high. Every time I have caught him he has been beyond apologetic and admits he is "sick" but just isn't ready to delve into it right now. I get why, for reasons I won't get into, he just can't at this moment.

Here's my conflict. Besides loving him, which I do, I can't leave. We have 2 children and I won't disrupt their lives right now. I also have a stepchild (he was long divorced when I met him and we get along very well with his first wife, this is not an issue), and I am well aware of what a fragmented life this can be for the kids - splitting family holidays, literally breaking up family (grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc) and I just truly don't want to live like that. My stepchild is incredibly well adjusted and the divorce happened when she was a tiny baby so she has no recollection of a different life, my kids would. All other things being equal, he is my best friend - he is intelligent, funny, smart, articulate. As sick as this sounds, I also think he loves me very much, he has a compulsion which is not an excuse but I do think an illness and weakness. No excuse at all just a fact I think, he is sick. About 75% of the time our life is ideal. We are best friends. We are wonderful travel partners. He is obsessed with me and in tune to my emotions, always able to tell when I am upset (especially about him). He is wonderful to my family. He is a devoted father. He is wonderful in his career. He is my intellectual equal. He supports everything I want to do and more. He is a supportive friend and sounding board. He is the first to ask me what is wrong and how can he help. He has so many good qualities. He appears the ideal husband and our marriage the perfect marriage to the outside world.

But I'm so tired. Tired of snooping, tired of trying to ignore my intuition (and my intuition is good). Tired of trying to cut off "bad behavior" at the pass. Tired of being afraid to go out because I know he will do something "bad". Tired of not trusting him and fearing that he will do something so stupid next time that I won't be able to live with it any more. I don't even know why I stay. I guess everyone has 2 sides to them, sometimes more. I only want a nice, normal husband without the sick parts. I love the "normal" part of him, when I'm able to stuff away my deep hurt about the other things. They I am numb and stuff it away again and pretend all is well until it smacks me in the face again. That's where I am right now.

Thank you for listening. I don't even know what I want or need except to get this out.

TMS2000, you aren't really looking for solutions or you would have found one by now. You aren't even asking for solutions here.

You know something very terrible is going on behind the scenes but you don't really want to know about it. And since you are not willing to do anything about it, you have fooled yourself into thinking "getting it out" is a solution. If you are honest with yourself, you know it will not go away unless and until you face this head on. Talking about a problem is not the same as doing something about it. The longer you let this go on the harder it will be to solve.

People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. You know he is hiding a secret second life. But you keep trying to convince yourself it can't be true.

You know how you solve that? You start spying on him [in a meaningful effective way] and find out what he is really doing. That would either relieve your suspicions or give you actual facts.

You can't do anything or resolve anything unless you have the facts.

You are right, I am not looking for solutions - because a solution would be to leave the marriage, or force therapy, which I don't think he is ready for at this moment, so that brings me back to leave the marriage which I am not ready to do. I absolutely know that something is very wrong, no question. I'm just feeling stuck. "Too good to leave, too bad to stay".

You mean YOU are not ready. You are making false dichotomies and boxing yourself in. It doesn't have to mean leaving the marriage or "forcing therapy." [therapy is not the solution] You are headed for a very bad place where you won't have any options at all. Anything that comes before marriage will eventually come between you.

I am surprised it hasn't happened yet because the longer he leads his secret second life the more likely he is to meet someone else and leave you for her., When that happens - and it will - you will be competing with another woman for his income in a divorce court.

Your silence has only served to enable him for many years while he has grown more and more secretive. Every once in a while you get upset and question him so he will throw you some crumbs to keep you off balance and keep you in line. He has the ideal set up, a secret second life and you at home meeting his needs.

But you have much better options at your disposal. What if you could eliminate his secret second life entirely, save your marriage and create a healthy, solid marriage with no secrets? While there are no guarantees, THAT is your best chance at saving your marriage.

You have a chance to save your marriage, but you will have to decide to step up here. Doing nothing will not save your marriage.

I’m definitely not in denial. I believe whatever is happening is unhealthy. I just don’t think he will stop. He is almost 60.

He won't stop as long as you enable him. He won't stop if his problem is never exposed or addressed. And let's say he doesn't stop, which I doubt, he would have to continue supporting you.

I don't understand what age has to do with it? A person can change their habits at any age. He doesn't stop because he has no motivation to stop. You have to give him that motivation.