Please write to Dr Harley today. You could send him a link to this thread and ask him to read your perspective.

I found this answer given by Dr Harley to someone on the private forum. The question was not about POJA but the answer included this section on control and abuse. It shows Dr Harley's approach to equal rights within marriage. It shows how essential it is for a marriage to be based on the concept of partnership, and how, when this fundamental principle applies, abusive controlling behaviour no longer has a place. Conflicts will continue arise, as they do in every marriage, but they will be resolved peacefully.

I think you have completely misunderstood what is meant by "doing nothing" under POJA. It does not mean you, Schmee, alone "doing nothing" and letting your husband do what he wants. It does not mean that you alone do not attend church and your husband and family attend the church that he desires. If that's what you have understood, I think you need to do a lot more reading about POJA and love busters.

"Doing nothing" is something that BOTH spouses must do under POJA. This is to say: a problem arises, and a course of action is needed. After much safe, pleasant and respectful brainstorming and negotiation, the spouses cannot agree on a course of action.

POJA requires that they do not choose a course about which one or the other is not enthusiastic. They do not, for example, agree to let the husband have his way this time and agree to let the wife "win" in the next gridlocked negotiation.

The solution is always that they must keep going until they find a course of action about which they are both enthusiastic and so they must do nothing until that solution is found. "Doing nothing" is something that both spouses must do, and as you can probably see, that means both must be committed to acting for the good of each other and the marriage.

Doing nothing is not intended to be a permanent solution, either. It is a temporary solution to the problem of one spouse winning at the other's expense. The problem must be kept on the front burner, and discussed with no demands, disrespect or anger. And with that, we're back to the problem that your husband is not acting with goodwill towards you and the marriage.