Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 21 of 32 1 2 19 20 21 22 23 31 32
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
Originally Posted by living_well
Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I am sorry as much as I want to keep my family together I am going to have to tell him. I can’t store it in any longer. It’s just plain weird.

Of course you must tell him. Be careful to always use the 'I' word so that you are presenting the issue as your feelings. It would be a disrespectful judgement to tell him how he feels. So you say 'I so appreciate the fact that there are no more angry outbursts and that you have stopped drinking. I would also love to spend one to one time with you'. Then listen carefully to his response.

Best of luck to you.

Thank you Living Well.

So I told him over the weekend. His response was sure we can go out, the problem our kids are so adorable!

Jesus this is strange. He wants to spend time with me at home in the house, but never instigates time him and I for dates. I do all of that.

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 08/31/20 01:35 PM.
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
Just spoke to BF, he went out Sunday evening with his friends. He got drunk and ended up shouting at another guy for driving fast down the street, when he was walking home 10 minutes later the guy jumped out of his car and punched him. He has been in a severe amount of pain and been to the doctors who have found out he has broken his jaw. He told me yesterday. He is completely ashamed and embarrassed and his friends have called him out for his silly actions too.

I just don't know what to say.

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,517
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,517
Likes: 9
I'm sorry to hear this, CB. However, you must know that this wasn't the wasn't the first time he drank.

We were always worried about how you would know he was keeping straight if you didn't live together. However, I always believed, from my dealing with an affair that was impossible to track, that one day there would be a slip-up and the truth would be revealed, and here it is. He has probably cut down, and looked and felt a lot better as you reported, but he never cut it out altogether.

According to the plan that Dr Harley gave you, you need to no ask him to go into AA or rehab. He had the chance to do it his way and failed, and now, if he wants marriage with you, he needs to do it your way. You need to put this to him in a way that does not sound angry or demanding - even though it is a demand, in the sense that there will be consequences if he refuses your request.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
Thanks Sugar Cane. I knew it really deep down. I think the irritability has been a real sign he is struggling with keeping it hidden. He is currently in a lot of pain and I think he will have to have surgery. Need to find the right time to tell him.

One thing I could do with help on with your experience of emotional needs. I did speak to BF today about how I have been feeling about lack of love....it probably didn’t come out the ideal way but I did not sound angry or demanding.

I said to him that it’s been over 3 years since you have told me you love me or initiated anytime with me. I told him that I need something more from him as I feel like a dried out old tea towel LOL. I even went as far to say look if you don’t feel that way about me then I would rather you just tell me, then at least I actually understand but if you do still love me then I need you to show it!

He got a bit defensive at first and mentioned all the money he has spent taking us away on the boat over the summer as money invested in us! I said it’s not about us going away as a family it it time on our own together and it’s not about spending a lot of money, it’s about him initiating time together on our own out of the house..eg a walk along the beach holding my hand or going out paddle boarding in the evening. Just something!

He responded to me by saying that he really struggles with the fact that he feels like he Does not rock my world anymore. That he sees me laughing with my friends and that I don’t really do that with him. He has always said this. He also mentioned the neighbour coming round and got mad about that. My goodness that has been mentioned more than his cheating. Does this mean he has a high EN for admiration?

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 09/01/20 02:26 PM.
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788
Likes: 2
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788
Likes: 2
Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Thanks Sugar Cane. I knew it really deep down. I think the irritability has been a real sign he is struggling with keeping it hidden. He is currently in a lot of pain and I think he will have to have surgery. Need to find the right time to tell him.

The fact that he refused to go to AA/rehab meant that this was always going to happen eventually. Addicts have to be in a ditch before they are willing to get help. This might be the wake-up call he needs. It is a pity you were not firmer with him about this.

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
One thing I could do with help on with your experience of emotional needs. I did speak to BF today about how I have been feeling about lack of love....it probably didn’t come out the ideal way but I did not sound angry or demanding.

No sense in addressing emotional needs until he is sober. That has to come first. Make it clear that this is the ONLY option you will support. If he is still reluctant, you will have to make it even clearer by telling him that not doing AA/rehab means the end of the relationship. Drawing your line in the sand will save his life.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
Hi MB friends

So thank you for your responses.

I have been madly busy getting the kids ready for school. They are all settled now and having this space time makes things much easier to deal with this next important step.

BF has been more full on with me that ever wanting to see me every day all day. Whatever I said to him last week he has listened to every word. He has organised days out, evenings out and evenings in, pretty much every day.

Typical that I now need to tell him this about AA or rehab. We are meeting for lunch tomorrow and I will draw the line in the sand then.

Still what bothers me most is his ambivalence about the relationship. Although his actions show one thing his words say another. He got a builder round to the house look at a big extension on the house, which he wouldn’t bother doing unless he didn’t want to come back. Yet he says nothing. Sometimes I wonder why I want to be with someone so confusing.


Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 09/09/20 11:20 AM.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,421
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,421
Likes: 4
So is he going to go to to AA or rehab? What did Dr. Harley tell you if he started drinking again?

Have you gone to ALANON?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
Morning all

Still been here and reading.

Ofcourse, I haven't said anything to him YET about his drinking. I have been enjoying falling in love again and the amount of attention he has been giving me. It has been amazing and he has not been able to stay away from me. We have spent so much time together since the children have been back at school, going to the gym, out for lunch and on the boat. He got me a beautiful bouquet of flowers last weekend out of the blue.

He still hasn't mentioned wanting to come home, and social media he doesnt post anything about me just him and the children.

Yes as you all knew it would only be a matter of time before something went wrong and this weekend he went out and got drunk with his friends and was so hungover he couldn't get out of bed Saturday morning (at his house). He made some story up about he went to pilates class and then for a run, but I know its lie and he was just covering up the fact he was hungover. It made it even worse that some married friends of ours came over Saturday afternoon to see us all. Happy together and committed and where is BF hungover at his batchelor pad.

I am going to talk to him tonight about it after he drops son of at our house. I feel clearer about it and more assertive without having an angry tone ofcourse.

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,517
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,517
Likes: 9
Did you have the talk with him on Monday night? How did it go?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
Originally Posted by SugarCane
Did you have the talk with him on Monday night? How did it go?

Hi SugarCane

I hope you are well!

So BF has agreed to go to AA and stop drinking. He had his second session with AA this week. He absolutely hates it, but knows that he is drinking far too heavily at weekends and that it needs to stop. I said if this doesn't work then it would have to be rehab.

I have to tell you it is awful though. I actually use to like him drinking and even look forward to it because it would loosen him up and make him relax more. He was irritable in the week when he wasn't drinking and now its even worse.

As far as we are concerned, it is so different this time. I remember you saying Sugar, when I was sad and they all went off on the boat without me, don't worry you will be doing that soon. Also Living Well saying that his extending the lease on his house was an act of love, to get 'us' right. You were all so right! I know now that BF does want to be in my life for the rest of my life. I am very confident about that. The changes he has made are huge, he is much calmer, kinder and caring.

I was so stressed out when I came on here in January after learning of the affair that I couldn't see things clearly at all. Now, I am feeling so much better, much calmer and clearer and confident. We are so different and better together. He got angry at the house the other week about something the gardener had done, and we spoke about it the next day, I raised it and said although I could understand why he was upset, I really do not want that level of anger in the house. I am getting so much better at communicating how I feel, something I was too frightened to do before incase he blows up.

After the chat I had with him about making the effort and time to organise time with me, he has organised things every week. This Friday he has booked a babysitter and organised for us to have dinner out. Last week, we went to the gym together one morning and another day we went for breakfast. This is when the children are at school. This is a huge change.

Dr Harleys advice has been right on the mark. Its unbelievable. All the things he has told me has been spot on. He told me always to be kind, warm and respectful towards BF in my tone and body language. This is the weird thing, this has been quite hard for me which makes me realise how cold and abrupt I had been with BF in the past. How much more positive BF has responded towards me, in the last few weeks, I have also noticed that whenever he feels some kind of anger or disapproval from me it really sends him to his cave.

So why when its so much better than it was before do I get this unsettled feeling in my stomach? I feel sometimes shame and embarrassment in front of others about our situation and I am starting to question how I live with the fact that he cheated on me...:(

BF has also been mentioning marriage a lot in conversation lately, now I might just be getting myself at it, but he has mentioned it 6/7 times in conversation the last few weeks. I know now that I could not live with him without this level of commitment, particularly after what has happened it would be too much of an embarrassment / humiliation. He has also talked about coming home, saying that I should bring some of the furniture back now, and when daughter asked to stay at his he said that he would rather her be at home as it is much more comfortable. I just kept quiet.

Anyway, its all progress not perfection and I do feel a much better person that I did this time last year.

Thanks for all your help and time, you all really helped me through a dark place.

Melody I don't think you read my posts anymore, I know you dipped out and I understand why. Your words ring in my head all the time - which was he knows you will let him back without meeting any of your terms. I really hope not, as I could put all this time and effort in and he he doesn't want to marry me after all. I really hope not, I am nervous about this.

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 10/20/20 02:33 PM.
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788
Likes: 2
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788
Likes: 2
Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Originally Posted by SugarCane
Did you have the talk with him on Monday night? How did it go?

Hi SugarCane

I hope you are well!

So BF has agreed to go to AA and stop drinking. He had his second session with AA this week. He absolutely hates it, but knows that he is drinking far too heavily at weekends and that it needs to stop. I said if this doesn't work then it would have to be rehab.

I have to tell you it is awful though. I actually use to like him drinking and even look forward to it because it would loosen him up and make him relax more. He was irritable in the week when he wasn't drinking and now its even worse.


I'm sure SugarCane will be by soon but I wanted to say congratulations. This was not easy for you and it's not over yet but your children have learnt a massively important lesson about not giving up that they will hold onto for the rest of their lives.

Drying out will take several months. You will gradually see him lose the irritability, therapy would be good, he was self-medicating with alcohol and needs to address the demons that he was hiding from. The complete process including the brain rewiring takes 5 years.

Well done!


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
Thank you Living Well.

I worry about the children a lot, but they seem so happy and content even though BF and I are separated.

Maybe it’s because the atmosphere is so calm and there seems to be no angst in the air.

We laugh as a family all the time.

In our bubble we are good. It’s just when I see family and friends it brings up negative feelings about the situation.

For example my sister and I are no longer talking after she discredited me as a mother. Then when I met my friend for lunch asked how things were going and she said well I hope he realises he will never get anything as good as you (makes me feel like a doormat) Or seeing his family again who never contacted me once since BF left.

There is all this other rebuilding that needs to be done too frown



Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 10/21/20 03:20 PM.
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
Hi All

Just popping in as really struggling right now.

BF was at the house on Tuesday and really irritated, and was complaining about the poor wifi at the house and how it never seemed to work and that was one of the things stopping him coming home. It really got under my skin and it was one of the moments before when I would have lost my temper. I cannot believe the audacity that he would be away from his kids and I just because of that? All I said to him was well at least it works fine in your house so you can get your work done there. I am not sure what he was expecting me to say?

So again, I find him confusing. We had a conversation in the kitchen last week about how well things are going and he said , I think we are going to be ok CoolB I know we are? Otherwise I wouldn't have booked for us to go away next Easter!

I guess I am feeling at that point where we have been dating for 4 months its been going really well but he has STILL made no mention of marriage or coming home. Feeling frustrated and incredibly insecure.

I also checked his facebook this week, even though we are still not friends on it. He has put up a charity post about collecting football boots for childrens homes, one of the girls who has responded he knows I had an issue with previously, and she has donated him boots and then asked for help to find a club for her son, and he has offered to ring round and help her. Admittedly she put a kiss at the end of her message and he didn't.

I am feeling so furious. I haven't even had chance to mention it because I don't want him to know I am checking his facebook.

Why hasn't he

1. Posted ANYTHING about me on social media - why is he keeping us quiet
2. Mentioned anything about moving back home
3. Why hasn't he added me on his facebook page - maybe annoyed because I took him off before?

Not sure if this is all hormonal or what but I just need to vent sorry frown

I am also feeling furious because I don't feel like he is being there for his children just swanning in and out when he feels like it and we are all sat here. We have booked a baby sitter to go out for dinner tonight, he arranged it, and I am just not feeling it at all.








Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
I just dont know if I can do this anymore - he is so uncommunicative about ANYTHING - he has not told me once he loves me, he hides me on social media, he has been ambivalent about the relationship for 3 years and I just dont know whether I am coming or going.

I should just not feel like this in a relationship.

Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 10/23/20 06:22 AM.
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788
Likes: 2
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788
Likes: 2
Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I just dont know if I can do this anymore - he is so uncommunicative about ANYTHING - he has not told me once he loves me, he hides me on social media, he has been ambivalent about the relationship for 3 years and I just dont know whether I am coming or going.

I should just not feel like this in a relationship.

Cool, your relationship fell apart gradually over time and it will need to be rebuilt brick by brick. The first step is his alcoholism. Drying out is hard. Dr Harley said to be supportive and kind. Can you do that?


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
Thanks for keeping me in check Living Well.

I just have moments where I feel totally insecure.

Sometimes I just ask myself what the hell I am doing and why don’t you just move on you deserve better? Most people would have given up by now.

Even now still we have been away for London for two nights and instead of focusing on the things he has done for me I focus on the things he hasn’t. Why do I do this? For example he organised lunch today at The Shard in London as a surprise for us all, yet I feel that some way he is just not that into me as he shows me no physical affection apart from a kiss hello or kiss goodbye?

I am starting to question whether the insecurity is my issues or just the way he makes me feel?




Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
Also got really triggered by his affair yesterday. It is the first time us as a family have been to London. This was where the affair started.

He told me that she was a hairdresser in London. He told me that it was one time he couldn’t get into his normal hairdresser so he went somewhere else. Then yesterday he said he had only been to one hairdresser. So this is not consistent so I made a comment to him about that.

When we got off the train he said to me anymore snide comments CoolB and I am going back home.

I am really angry about it and now think what a pack of lies.

More stuff that just questions why I am doing this.

Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788
Likes: 2
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788
Likes: 2
Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Also got really triggered by his affair yesterday. It is the first time us as a family have been to London. This was where the affair started.

He told me that she was a hairdresser in London. He told me that it was one time he couldn’t get into his normal hairdresser so he went somewhere else. Then yesterday he said he had only been to one hairdresser. So this is not consistent so I made a comment to him about that.

When we got off the train he said to me anymore snide comments CoolB and I am going back home.

I am really angry about it and now think what a pack of lies.

More stuff that just questions why I am doing this.

Cool; both of you are free agents. Of course what he did was perfectly horrible but you are not married to him. Generally we advise people not to marry someone that behaves like this. Dating is the way you test someone to see if he is marriage material. In your case the situation is more complex because you have children together.

But what you cannot do is keep punishing him by bringing this up. Either dump him as non marriage material or work on the relationship and stop discussing it. He is telling you that this is destructive and he is right. I hope none of these conversations happen in front of your children.

How is the AA going?


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 380
Originally Posted by living_well
Cool; both of you are free agents. Of course what he did was perfectly horrible but you are not married to him. Generally we advise people not to marry someone that behaves like this. Dating is the way you test someone to see if he is marriage material. In your case the situation is more complex because you have children together.

But what you cannot do is keep punishing him by bringing this up. Either dump him as non marriage material or work on the relationship and stop discussing it. He is telling you that this is destructive and he is right. I hope none of these conversations happen in front of your children.

Hi Living Well - yes you are right. I wont bring it up again. The issue I had about it, is the lies about the woman he had the affair with.

Worse than that. BF had been drinking again at the weekend, and when I got up Sunday morning, I also found the remnants of white powder on the side frown

I confronted him Sunday morning about the white powder and he said he most definetly had not done that. He just barefaced lied to me. I told him I do not want any drugs in the house. I said to him do you think I am imaging things strong white powder on the side? He said yes, and I said how nasty is that to make me think I am imaging it.

So here I am again back at square one. Now I have to confront him again. He is coming over tonight, what do I say? Do I do it in person or over the phone?

Dr Harley said that if he starts to drink again then I must ask him to go straight into rehab and if he doesn't do Plan B.










Last edited by Coolbeginnings; 11/12/20 07:55 AM.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,421
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,421
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Dr Harley said that if he starts to drink again then I must ask him to go straight into rehab and if he doesn't do Plan B.

And you made this clear to him, correct? He knew if he started drinking again he had to go to rehab?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Page 21 of 32 1 2 19 20 21 22 23 31 32

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (Mauve), 885 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Reyna98, Nofoguy, Ingrid Guerci, Wifey02, forevermemorable
71,822 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5