Hi all

BF and I have been spending lots of family time together.

Tomorrow we are having a couple of days away on our own.

I still feel that he is a bit non commital, they are no social media posts of me (just him and the kids) or mention of coming home. Even silly things like pictures of me on his Facebook or Instagram.

I saw a post one of his friends posted of him and his wife with a caption ‘love her’. I mentioned this to BF seeing how he would react and he just grunted! Then I just said to myself he loves you in his own way!

I can’t help feeling how full on he was with me for the first few years of our relationship and how different he is now.

I just don’t want to have to ask him to tell me he loves me or be a bit romantic about me. It just feels forced that way. He use to all the time in the first few years.

BF stayed over Friday evening and we watched a Netflix show together. At midnight I wanted to go to bed and he wanted me to stay up with him and watch another show. I went to bed and BF watched one more and I had to go back in the room and get a glass of water. When I went back in the room I thought he dropped his phone on the floor as if he was hiding something. I asked him and he said no! Now I concerned.

I wish I didn’t feel so I insecure!!!! I am getting tired of feeling this way and can’t help but feel that he is a huge contributing factor.

I sometimes wander if my insecurity killed the relationship in the first place? It seems to me the more confident and independent I am the more he seems to want me.

Cool thanks for checking in! Do you listen to the radio show? Friday they talked about needing to start with love busters or it’s hard to feel the deposits. Also the suggest you to say “I love it when you...” to let your partner know what makes deposits for you.

Thanks New, I did try and look into the radio station but I don't think they have loaded the program up yet!

BF and I went away on our own for 1 night last week. I was quite nervous before I went and got myself into a bit of a state. I can honestly say it was great. We spent 2 days on the boat swimming, sunbathing and chatting. We even saw a pod of dolphins. I said to him you really know how to have a first date and he laughed and said stick with me kid you will be alright.

He opened up to me a little on the boat, saying that he feels that he has gotten very intolerant of things over the last couple of years. That he feels some of this has come with the success of the business. He also said he couldn't be bothered with anyone anymore and he wouldn't care less if he never saw anyone else ever again apart from me and the kids. I do find this quite strange. Maybe it is some sort of sign of depression?

I also notice that BF likes us to be on the boat a lot as a family, I think this is because it is neutral territory. I feel that he does not like staying at the house. Which gives me little hope he wants to come home.

A male neighbour popped round to the house on Saturday evening when I was on my own to borrow some gardening tools. I made him a cup of tea and we made polite chat for about 30 minutes.

When I told BF the next day he got really angry saying this is how women can get attacked and how he wouldn't let another woman into his house. Also said that it was bad of me to let another man in the house, in a house we are paying for. I felt like saying well you don't want to be here, but I didn't.

Something is just 'not right' with BF and I don't know what it is. He is very irritable and argumentative with people around him. I also feel that he is really hard on DS and constantly puts him down and has unrealistic expectations of him. BF even admitted it how irritating he finds DS. DS is only 8 and yes he can be a bit of a day dreamer and challenging at times but very loveable and affectionate. He has fallen out with the football coach over something and didnt bother showing to DS football game on Sunday. He tried to argue with me about something on the boat and I told BF that I wasn't going to argue with him.

I remember before when we were living together this is what he use to like towards me. Its like he has this need to isolate himself a lot. Shut himself off from everyone.

Sometimes it is like I have had an affair or something and is pushing me away. He is making it clear there is no one else, and every day he keeps coming to see the kids and I every day. However, he is keeping me at arms length. No words of love and no signs of commitment. Maybe he is scared it will all fall apart again? Or maybe he just doesn't feel that way?

He is certainly very territorial about any men coming in the house.

Sorry if I seem up and down. I do come here to vent. No one else sees this side of me. I am not even opening up to friends or family now. I just keep it all a secret and vent here.

Cool, you are right to be concerned. What about getting back in touch with Dr Harley? Tell him about these odd behaviours. He knows far more about this than any of us. List everything now so that you do not forget any of the details.

I have every sympathy with him here.

Why would you let a man into your home to chat for 30 minutes? Why make him tea? You could have been cheerful and helpful but guarded.

You might see BF as being a bit extreme when he talked about being attacked, but it's certainly possible that you were sending out "interested" signals during that chat. Of course, you're free to do that, but is that what you want to do?

Is this man married? I really hope you didn't upset a wife by doing that. I would be most discomforted if 1. a woman invited my husband in for tea and 2. he accepted and stayed for 30 minutes.

I don't know whether this is a sign of depression (sounds likely) or withdrawal from alcohol, or something else, but the point is, unless and until he behaves like a man in love, who wants to be with you and who is happy with you, you won't be getting married, and he won't be moving home. Do you agree?

Thank you for the tip Living Well. I did contact Dr Harley and he came straight back to me. He is such a kind man not sure how I can repay him?

This was his response:

His irritability could have a lot to do with his unwillingness to give up his independent behavior in return for having a normal relationship with you. But since you have had to put up with his angry outbursts throughout your relationship, maybe that is something that he has had throughout his life. Stick to your plan.

This makes a lot of sense. Dr Harley was very much follow the plan and continue with the situation as is until he addresses everything in the plan including marrying you before living together.

You were right SugarCane this was the wrong thing to do. Thankfully he is not married and believe me I have never entertained a married man, I couldn’t think of anything more repulsive personally.

To be honest is what just nice to have someone to chat to whilst I was sat on my own. We had a quick gossip about everything going on locally and there was genuinely no flirting involved, but inappropriate. I won’t let it happen again.

I absolutely agree. The problem is a part of me is starting to give up.

Also I have a sneaky suspicion he may still be drinking.

That's one of the easiest ways for women to fall for men - through "nice" conversation. We can fall easily for someone who talks to us and shows an interest in us, and this is one of things that husbands often let slide. Lack of conversation in their relationship makes many women miserable. Having conversations with men would be fine if you want to meet someone new, since you are not married - but untie yourself from BF first, please.

But if you want to give this your best shot for a while longer, don't invite men in for tea and have 30-minute conversations with them!

I wondered about the drinking. It might be irritableness from giving it up, or he might be coping badly with giving up and sneaking a few in when alone. In that case, he might be irritable because he can't drink when he's with you.

Do what Dr H says and stick to your plan, until you're sure you want to give it up. The point is not to give in and let him move home when he isn't making you happy.

Thank you Sugar Cane I hear you

Still in Plan but feel myself slipping into withdrawal.

Another possibility is that he is beginning to realise how hard it is to shake the addiction. What about gently suggesting AA again?

Hi All

All has been going exceptionally well with BF. He has started showing a lot more affection, being very kind and caring. I have felt a lot more secure and feeling like we had really turned a corner. Until.....

The problem seems to be now the kids, and I am really annoyed after a conversation I have just come off the phone with him. BF has taken DD out for a day whilst I get some work done dropping her back in the afternoon. When she was back I was planning on taking the kids out for a treat tea then getting DDs hair cut.

Then BF rings to tell me that he wants to keep DD for the day as he hardly ever spends time with her on his own, all of this is going on with DD in car. DD shouting in the back ground I want to stay with Daddy which I find very distressing. To be honest right now I hate him for putting us in this position. He should have discussed it with me not in front of DD.

On Monday evening again the kids were suppose to come home after spending the day with him and then he asked if he could keep them for longer. I really didn't want them to as they had a busy day the next day and wanted them to get an early night, BF just said who cares about play group the launching of a ship is more important than that. PLay group is something I organise for the children. BF doesn't like play group for them as he said they are too old for it now. I like it because they get free play and to see all their friends, it something I organise with mum friends for them. I reluctantly agreed to BF keeping the children and then when I went to meet up with them all later I felt like a spare part. He hardly said a word to me, not how are you hows your day. We walked to the boat with him a few metres in front of me. Kids also made derogatory comments to me obviously picked up from what BF had said to them, as things they repeated things like who pays for this car mummy? Daddy. Then why couldn't we scoot mummy, just because you turned up in your car.

He does seem to be very controlling around the kids. He is obssessed about my son doing this or the other activity (football, , fishing, boxing, cricket, tennis) the poor child is worn out. I am constantly having to shield DS from BF as I think he puts way too much pressure on him for 8 years old. He is now pushing DD to do football. I am sure its a control thing. DD isn't even interested in football, she only says she is when BF is around.

You know I even remember when the kids were born that he really struggled with not being able to take the children off on his own, that he put pressure on me to stop breastfeeding because of it. He is so independant.

I am not sure I can continue like this. I am angry right now and will take time to calm down. What sort of man puts the women he loves through this? In my mind he is using me for more access to the children.

I don't want him coming round here anymore. God knows what this situation must be doing to the children. Its like he is trying to compete with me. Also, why does he have 'take them off' all the time? Taking them to his house?

Its really funny. Last week I was really slipping into withdrawal and ready to move on. Then its almost as if BF sensed it, then upped all affection / attention and being super affectionate. Then as soon as I relax again he pulls away. I am tired of it and not sure I want to be part of these silly games. He can so cold when he wants to be and flit over to being warm and affectionate again. I really thought we had turned a corner, but this immature behaviour has me zoned out. I am really doing ok without him being here and have a sense of well being.

I was stuck in a place of wanting to come home and now I am not sure I want him home at all. Same old pattern thurs, fri and sat he is lovely then sun, mon and tues pretty dismal.

Morning all

I have had a tough week mentally and vented here but acted postively towards BF as Dr Harley said.

I am battling staying in this at times it’s been over 2 years since he has initiated spending one to one time with me not a date, walk, lunch....nothing. I can’t remember the last time he told me he loved me. Probably 3 years ago? I have told him multiple times. I still have the affair that lingers in my mind how he told her that he loved her company and sent her loads of kisses on a text.

Yet there has been some positives him stopping his angry outbursts and trying to demonstrate faithfulness.

I am sorry as much as I want to keep my family together I am going to have to tell him. I can’t store it in any longer. It’s just plain weird.

Of course you must tell him. Be careful to always use the 'I' word so that you are presenting the issue as your feelings. It would be a disrespectful judgement to tell him how he feels. So you say 'I so appreciate the fact that there are no more angry outbursts and that you have stopped drinking. I would also love to spend one to one time with you'. Then listen carefully to his response.

Best of luck to you.