Hi Brainy

Thanks for reapnnsing. No I don’t think I did. I asked him if we would stop drinking and go to AA. I told him that unless he stops drinking that it won’t work between us and he agreed.

One cannot have a normal relationship with an addict:
1. the addict will put the addiction over everything else.
2. if the addict is hiding the addiction, you are dealing with a partner, who is either somewhat high and Nlt reacting like his/her usual self, or irritable, because the substance is wearing of.

As you are probably dealing with both sides aka mood swings, a good relationship is very unlikely and you are always walkingon eggshells, because you never know how he is going to react.
And this is true for all addictions, even smoking, when your partner tries to hide it from you and is not having a regular brainsupply of the favorite substance. Also, they pick fights to get away from you to be able to use.

If your boyfriend is on cocaine and alcohol, it is no wonder that he does not want to move in with you as it would interfere with his addictions. Also, there is the contrast effect of nice but tedious family against the highs of cocaine. Not good.

Thank you Happy Heart

Had a terrible weekend he has been moody, cold and irritable all weekend. He then announced Sunday afternoon that he was heading back to his house.

I went outside to talk to him away from the children. I asked him what was up, that he had been moody and irritable with me for 2 days. He said that no he hadn’t all had been fine, that he wanted to head home to sort his motorbike out. That he didn’t want to talk about it right there that maybe another time.

Well I am fed up waiting for another time and fed up being treated like a piece of trash.

On his way out I told him that I can’t do it anymore. He left the house and said that’s fine, ok.

For my own sanity and mental health. Him just wandering in and out whenever he feels like it.

He has too many issues alchohol, cocaine, moody swings and independent behaviour. It is just never going to work.

I just feel helpless. I think the issue here is that he is just not that into me. It’s like he just goes cold on me.

I deserve more than being with someone so non commital, moody, irritable, independent along with the alchohol and cocaine use. The children and I deserve better. I have started a imagine a future without him and how much happier I can be.

I have done all I can do and I am planning to move on with my life.

Is he still using? If so, have you told him rehab or nohab?

Stupid me for allowing this to happen.

I am more annoyed at myself.

The love I have for him is pretty much destroyed.

The children were here today and when he told me he was going back to his house, I simply said that’s a good idea and then added quite calmly I just don’t want to do this anymore. He said fine and then left.

I don’t want him just turning up at the house again. I don’t want him in the house again taking drugs or drinking. How do I tell him about getting rehab or nothing? Over text (my favourite choice) or wait till he turns up at the house again? He will be back round at some point pretending everything is normal.

Thank you

You need to be a mama bear protecting her cubs. You can do this.


I would write a physical letter but then again, I hate texting and I have disabled it on my phone. But whether you text or write, there is a plan B letter somewhere around on the site, Brainy can find it.

Thank you Living Well

I will text him tomorrow. I don’t want him at the house again

He already has the Plan B letter

Thank you Happy Heart for your insight into addiction

From what I remember you are a Doctor?

What is strange about BF is that he is a high functioning alchohol. He binge drinks heavily and then runs a hugely successful business, goes to the gym, does charity work ect...so seems to operate well. That’s why it is hard to consider him an alchoholic.

Thank you

I would do a practice letter of telling him he needs to go to rehab and post it here for feedback.

I just want to make sure I understand, you have never told him that if he drank again he would need to go into rehab. Is that correct?

Yes brainy I never told him about rehab.

No doubt he will be in touch soon. I will tell him then about rehab. I will follow Dr Harleys advice and tell him that he needs to go into rehab and if he chooses this path then I will be there to support him.

Even if he does do this, there are still too many issues. I am not even sure that they could be resolved by addiction treatment. He would also have to liaise with Dr Harley too, to understand how a healthy relationship works. Even then there is no guarantee and too much damage.

He is inflicted so much pain on me. The affair, the drinking and the drugs. The fact that he rented out a house so near the kids school and all our friends, almost parading our business so 'out there'.

I have just been told that a boy in my sons class has covid so my son, daughter and I will be self isolating for 14 days.

Quarantai can ususlly be cut short with testing.

Thanks Happy Heart. Here in the UK the public health guidelines for school children are 14 day isolation if one of their school 'bubble/class' is confirmed positive.

So here I am again, trying to stay calm and strong.

I probably didn't deal very well with things at the weekend. BF was not drinking and acted cold and indifferent to me all day sat and sun and then announcing mid afternoon on Sunday that he was going back to his house. I basically told him that quietly and not angrily that I just can't do this anymore.

Anyway, I am trying to stay calm and not let my emotions get the better of me and need a few days to get my handle on things again. He has text me multiple times about the children to which I have responded. Now I need to find a time to have this conversation with him, from a loving caring manner. Which is tricky I can tell you, sometimes I just want to let him have it.

So far he has his anger under control and now is to deal with the addiction.

Problem with the addiction is I have been in denial about his drinking for 3 reasons.

1. He is never a nasty drunk, his caring loving side comes out when he is drinking. He is so affectionate and loving. For him to give up drinking makes me wonder if I will never see this side again? I can't cope with all the other side.
2. I enjoy drinking too, not a lot but now and again a few glasses, and I know that if he stops i must do aswell.
3. That if I ask him to stop and he wont that it will be the end of us.

On top of this, it also looks like I am entering the peri menopause. It all feels such a lot to deal with, and I am really doing it on my own. Big Pants Time.

However, I am feeling strong and ready to face this. I have a watched a few videos ect on how to deal with it, I am going to ask him if he thinks he has a problem drinking first, if he agrees then I will ask him to do the AA (he never went before) or go into a 28 day rehab program? Offer him my love and support to do this with him. If he doesn't agree then go to Plan B

Now I just need to talk to him face to face.

Thats what I am doing.

Often like that; affectionate and loving when high and angry when not. Once he has gone through rehab, he will be different. No more violent mood swings.


You cannot drink in front of him for at least the toughest part which is going to be a year and the alcohol supply needs to be thrown away (his place) or locked up (yours).


That's true, you cannot compete with an addiction and he will only stop if he decides to.



I would go directly to the rehab option, don't mess about. You are too close to giving up for AA to work.

Thank you Living Well.

The problem is now, IF he agrees to go to rehab what about all the other issues? How will they get resolved?

I am not sure rehab can wave a magic wand and solve all those other things. There is the coercive control, the financial control, the independent behaviour

When his mood switched this weekend and he went cold on me reminded how he did that all the time when he was living together. It was awful and I have not had to put up with that for such a long time.

Also not sure the rehab can fix the flirting, lack of boundaries around women and perceiving himself as single on social media!!!

There are no guarantees but the therapy that is a core part of rehab is designed to deal with the demons. Nobody becomes an addict without having demons. Controlling behaviour is a result of deep insecurity, a feeling that the world is your enemy so you have to hold tightly onto everything you can control.


That's the withdrawal. Addicts crash. He rushed off for his next fix.


Your problem is that he is in actual fact single. The fix if everything else gets sorted out is to get married. But that is far in the future.