Wow and thank you Living Well.

Your last point made me feel quiet emotional. How do you know all this stuff?

He is coming round tonight to drop DD off. I will see if he stays and then once the kids are asleep try and talk to him.

Feeling remarkably calm and grounded. I also phoned a local rehab clinic to find out a bit more.

Wish me luck peeps.

I guess I also worry because BF appears to be a high functioning alchoholic. He runs a successful business, attends the gym, does charity events so it is difficult to believe he is in this category.

Also I worry that me saying he is an 'alchoholic' or has 'bipolar' is because actually he is just a rubbish partner and doing things to push me away and I am making excuses for the reality of the situation!

I hope that makes sense.

Over time an alcoholic or drug addict needs a higher and higher dose to get high. He is also destroying his body with the alcohol and his brain with the coke. I used to work with people whose brains had been completely fried. They would open their mouths and gibberish would come out.

I did some research today and found a local rehab place. I spoke to a helpful lady about what has been going on and she said he needs to have an assessment with a psychiatrist and then formulate a plan. She added that from what you have been telling me it sounds like he will need in patient treatment. She has booked an appointment with one of the leading consultants there and said that will be the first step.

I now need to ask him if he will go and talk to someone. Hope and pray he will say yes, I think he will.

He is avoiding being on his own with me. He knows something is coming as I have told him we need to chat. He has started to panic as I think he is thinking I am going to end things with him after how I was Sunday. He has been sending me holiday ideas trying to get me to commit to dates and even posted a pic of me on his Facebook account.

Things have massively started to fall into place about what has been going on all these years. It’s like everything is making sense. All the times that he blamed me for stuff when in reality it was all part of the anger / bad mood withdrawal cycle. Which is why I could never understand why he wasn’t happy particularly as I went all out to try and make him happy! Makes me feel a bit better about myself

I guess him having his house is probably a way that he can get as drunk as he like and isolate himself when he needs to

Lightbulb moments!!

Best of luck with this, you can do it. Remember that children learn much more from what their parents do than from what they say. They see him getting drunk and the violent mood swings (very scary for a child). They have learnt to normalise that behaviour. If your relationship breaks down (which it must do if he does not agree to rehab) he will still be entitled to see them and they will still be exposed. Not only does addiction get worse over time but you will no longer be there to protect them. Your son, in particular, will be very vulnerable to following in his father's footsteps.

This is not going to be easy for BF. Tell him how proud you are that he is doing this.

Hi peeps

Why does something seem the right thing to do then faced with that person it all goes out the window?

It was my birthday yesterday and BF made a huge effort with my day. He decorated the house with the kids for me in the morning, in the evening cooked me a lovely dinner and bought me in a cake. Kept kissing me and wishing me happy birthday. If I think how it was last year and how awful it was what a difference.

Anyway, once the kids were sound asleep in bed I asked him nicely - can we talk about last weekend? He responded I don’t want to talk about it today Cool it’s your birthday.

So anyway tonight I will talk to him.

Why is it I come to all these conclusions about his drinking / moods and then face face to face it doesn’t seem bad at all?!

I know it’s a problem and I know I have to do this.

He has also asked me if we can go skiing for New Year. It’s so strange acting like he hated me last weekend (now I know it’s not me and it’s his withdrawals) and then this week be onto booking a holiday?!?!

Thanks guya

Yes you do


He knows what you plan to say and he is attempting to manipulate you to protect his addiction.

I hope you said no to the holiday.

Absolute waste of time. I did it, I confronted him and now I am too depressed to write about it

Yesterday I started off the conversation asking him about the previous weekend and how upsetting I found it him just disappearing me. He said that I was getting angry with the children and made a couple of digs at him about that day and got annoyed about it. Completely unfounded and untrue. He made a very blase statement about my sons poor diet and how he needs to eat better. Internally I was very annoyed about this statement as I feed the children very well day in and day out, and I calmly said to BF, I find that statement a bit upsetting as I feed our son very well.

I can see now that he just gets completely irritable and I could be the perfect person in everyway and he would still find fault.

We actually had an open honest chat about the relationship and I got some of my comments across. I told him that I would not have any drugs in the house and that i am concerned he is doing drugs and then also lying to me about it.

I told him that I love him very much but I am concerned about his drinking and his moods when he is not drinking, and that I would like him to go and talk to someone. He got very defensive and angry, and said that he was most definetly not an alchoholic and that other people drink way more than him. That he only drinks at weekends and doesn't drink like my sister blah blah blah. That he cant believe that the closest person to him would say something so awful and that if i want to carry on with my American clap trap that was fine but he was having nothing to do with it. This was all yesterday morning. So I gave him the rest of the day to take it in. I asked him about the blackouts and the sickness and he flat out denied any of that had happened.

He is still in the house and I am going to wait for him to leave, then call him and tell him that unless he seeks help the relationship is unlikely to continue.

I don't want to say that to him when he is in the house as the kids are here and worried about him causing a scene.

This is HARD.

The hardest part was getting to this point. The air is now clearing. He knows what he has to do if he wants to remain in the relationship.

Don't tell him the relationship is ''unlikely to continue. Tell him the relationship WILL NOT continue. Addicts do not get clean until they have no other choice.

You will be able to walk away with a clear conscience that you did everything you could. Being second best behind drink and drugs is a long walk off a short pier.

I have a friend whose mother killed herself by driving her car into a lorry because of the stress of being married to a (high functioning) alcoholic doctor. By then all four children had been irreparably damaged.

Mama Bear remember?

Your not making this easy lol.

I am like a dog like a bone I am not letting go.

Just a funny last night, he said your diamond earrings look pretty. I said yes and one day it would be nice to have a diamond ring. He said if you would like an eternity ring I can get you one? I laughed and said an eternity ring? I think it needs to be an engagement ring - it’s been 9 years BF!! He smiled and said yes I know, then he sang if you like it put a ring on it. Made me chuckle.

It just shows how far I have come.

He has left now, I am going to ring him tonight and follow up.

Another thought comes to me. Earlier on you told us that you had had a dysfunctional childhood. So one reason for your struggle now is that you have no direct experience of what a normal family looks like and so you have normalised his horrible behaviour.

You owe it to your children to be able to show them what normal family life is like; calm, firm, predictable, loving and gentle. When their father has a violent mood swing, they think it is their fault. I'm sure you were the same. Your children need normal so that they do not cascade the trauma down yet another generation.

The only way to get to that is for him to entirely eliminate the alcohol and drugs for ever. Or be entirely cut out of their lives. If he is also bi-polar, that can be treated with medication. Many bi-polar people make the mistake of thinking they can self medicate with drink and drugs. They can't.

Hi guys

I got to be honest I find the situation incredibly stressful him swanning in and swanning out. Not once this year he has said about coming home and I have really had enough. My mental health cannot take much more.

Anyway, I confronted him again tonight. I am sorry but the anger has bubbled up inside me. Maybe because I have let it fester inside me as I haven’t had the chance to talk all week.

He sensed something was up tonight. Then he said Cool can we talk. I was polite but it was just difficult to contain. I said sure and I rang him when the kids were asleep.

Then I was calmer and polite, told him that I am struggling, That I confronted him Sunday and I will not tolerate having drugs in the family home and when I confronted you about it I gave you the chance to come clean about it and you didn’t. BF said I would never have drugs in the house around the children, then started to do what he normally does, change the subject back to what I have done wrong and said that I was in a mood with him all the weekend before and making digs at him. He then started to get angry and said just let me know when I can have the children. I put the phone down on him.

I can’t have him come here knowing he is doing drugs.

I have text him in the end.

I have told him I will not continue the relationship unless he gets help for his drinking and taking drugs.

His response was bizarrely ‘I totally agree. It is always the blame game with you. Let me know when I can have the children.

I am now In Plan B and I plan to move on.

He has destroyed all sense of love I had for him. I can never be in a relationship with someone who has caused so much pain to my children and I.

The relationship was killed when he decided to give up on me before he even left, when he pursued another woman, when he chose to rent out a mother house and when he decided to keep his house and his family and cake eat without taking the responsibility of family life.

Did you make it clear that it has to be rehab?


You have conditioned him to think that he can play you. If you want to change the dance, change your steps. Do not let him know when he can have the children. Next thing he receives is a solicitor's letter (see below)


He is going to get quite a shock when he realises you are serious. You need a red-meat solicitor who will debone him. Ask for the moon; sole residency of the house till youngest is 18, sole custody on the basis of his drug and alcohol addiction, supervised visitations only, lots of child support etc. I don't know how this all works outside marriage but there must be a way. Be very, very aggressive. Throw the book at him. He could be so shocked at the change that he agrees to rehab. DO NOT BACK DOWN. Your court action only ends after he has done rehab and has been clean for a year and only if you still want him back. Maybe not even then.

Do you have your intermediary lined up?

Why do I always feel that I have done something wrong after facing him like this?

He said we need to talk last night, and then when I rang him and confronted him about the drugs and drinking, he still denied a ever taking the drugs. Did I imagine the remnants of white powder on the side? Did I get it wrong?

My brain is so fogged up I can’t see clearly.

Ah your there LW.

Thank you.

Tough times

Yes tough. Remember that drawing this line in the sand is the only way your children will grow up to be functional adults. Do if for them.

It’s called gaslighting, which is what he has done for so long.

You need to stay strong and go into a dark Plan B and follow living_well’s suggestions.

Do you have your IM? Did you make it clear about rehab?

Hi Guys

No i didn’t tell him about rehab. He denies he has a problem with drinking. If he won’t admit he has a problem then he won’t want to discuss rehab. After I discussed it with him Sunday, on Monday he brought it up again and said he doesn’t drink as nearly as much as his friends.

No I don’t have an IM I have no one I can ask. I went through so many last time.

I am feeling strong. I am also feeling relieved, he could be here tonight drinking and taking coke!

Sat here with the kids watching a Christmas film with the fire on. Tomorrow we are getting up early and going on a bike trail! Don’t have to deal with his hangover!!!