Thanks Living Well.

Honestly - I haven’t done anything. I am scared of doing this and creating a bigger beast..:(. For some reason if I start off that process it could start something awful off like him getting joint custody. For example if I was unable to prove his alchohol/drugs. Also we live in a small town and the repercussions of taking someone like him to court could be huge.

I did also think that when he picked the children up in the morning he could have been over the limit. That is a dreadful thought.

The kids have been telling me that he has come up with a terrible rash all over his body. He had that anyway but sounds even worse. Probably for his night sweats.

Why do I feel so guilty all the time about hun hardly seeing the children?

Sent via IM the kids schedule to BF.

It is kids go to his every other weekend and then after school one night midweek.

BF has asked to talk to me about the schedule. He is saying a whole weekend is an awful long time for both of us to go each weekend without seeing the kids and at worst for him he has to go Wednesday until the following Wednesday.

I am not sure how to respond?

This is the worst part of all.

He's poking you. If he were serious, he would have suggested an alternative schedule. IM can ask him what changes he would like to make in the schedule and send that to you. Not the request to talk to you. He can ask BF to propose an alternative schedule ('BF, what changes in the schedule would you want to make? I'll forward the proposal to CB') and send you 'BF suggests to schedule every Sunday in odd weeks and Saturday in even weeks, would that be ok for you?'

Remember, only relevant and clean data should be passed. If IM keeps BF on a short leesh, he will stop asking personal contact sooner.

On creating a bigger beast.. find the Jordan Peterson video on the dragon. Ignoring the dragon causes it to grow.

Yes, yes and yes

Ouch always hurts when they go to Dads. Why do I feel like my life is screwed.

He is flat out refusing to let me drop them at his house.

He bought me coffee again today. I stayed in the house as always so he didn’t even get a peep. Not hard I don’t want to set eyes on him. He beeped his car horn 3 times and drove off.

I go out for a long run as soon as they leave, helps pep up the spirit.

Thanks for the recommend Goody. I ended up binge watching Jordan Peterson videos. I had to turn it off though when how choosing the wrong partner can really screw your life up.

Makes me realise how I was given know guidance / direction / wisdom about life at all as I was growing up. At least I won’t make the same mistakes with my children.

Happy running 😃

Hi all

Children came back from Dads this morning. DS text me at 630am asking when he could come home. I said 12 noon and DS responded no Mum 10am please.

When the children got home DS was really moody playing me up. It transpires that he had a conversation with his Dad in the morning about coming home and Dad had read his texts to me and got really angry with DS and shouted at him about wanting to come home to me. BF also started crying infront of them both saying things were really complicated right now and mum was not letting him come to the house.

It took me about 3 hours to get my DS back in the room, hugging him and reassuring him then baking cookies. Finally 4 hours after he got home he returned to normal.

I contacted IM and asked them to pass a message politely asking BF not to cry infront of the children as it really messes them up.

BF has also been asking the children to speak to me to see if he could come over and do fireworks. I told them I really didn’t want to hear any messages from BF as it is upsetting for Mummy.

I think he is getting really stressed and starting to realise he can’t manipulate his way back into my life anymore.

Happy NY peeps.

Got a message from IM saying that could BF have the kids for a few hours this weekend? It is my weekend to have the kids this weekend, he has them next. He also said he is not back at work until mid Jan so can have the kids more.

How shall I respond?

Also spend a lot of time feeling incredibly guilty about him not seeing the kids. I guess I will get use to that?

Why do you feel any need to respond? You need to insist on no contact until he has cleaned himself up. Remember what Goody said; 'ignoring the dragon causes it to grow'. Also the parent who files legal papers first will generally fare better.

You would expext HIM to feel incredibly guilty for putting his substance abuse before his family. But that my dear is a futile hope. He is just biding his time, untill you grow weak, all the while keeping you engaged and wondering, hoping... And he is trying to speed up the Process by guilt-tripping you.

If you don‘t react as expected, he Will turn it up a notch by whooing you with gifts, a promise of better behaviour and hints of marriage.

Eventually you cave in and he will manage to show his best behaviour for a few days, all the while feeling resentfull that you are Unreasonable, coming beTween him and his addiction. Untill the urge becomes too much, or untill he gets bored without the excitement of artificial stimulation aka drugs and alcohol.
Then he will treat you badly and/or pick a fight, so that he can eventually retreat to his drugs and alcohol cave and blame you in the process.

Then rinse and repeat.

You‘ve been there. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.
So, now you can predict his next moves.
No need to thank me for providing the crystal ball.

Thanks LV learning to not respond to any of his requests, they usually go away!

Can I say thank you for all your time you have given in posting to me? Sometimes I feel that I post to much and I am too demanding but I have kept quiet in the outside world and this place has been a place to rant / get support.

On your next point on starting legal proceedings still holding back on that not sure why?!?!

And that my friends is the only post I will ever need to read everytime I feel weak in Plan B. Thank you Happy Heart this was just what I needed

You have also saved me an absolute fortune paying the gypsy at the local fair for 2021 crystal ball reading lol.

It is absolutely normal that you get weak sometimes. That is because you have a heart and because you have grown attached to him and a bit of „sunk cost fallacy“ (google it if it doesn‘t sound familiar).
Like giving up smoking, normal people do not lightly give up their significant other and it is hard to stay away, even if our reasonable brain parts say we should, because there have been good times that you would have wished to be the normality of your relationship.
Sadly, untill there would be radical and evdidence based and most importantly lasting changes, you are not in a relationship with a future.

Relapse into an unhealthy relationship causes more and longer lasting hurt for you, but it is very human to miss and have last straw hope, after having put in so much effort into a relationship with someone who - in the end - does not love you and the children like you deserve to be loved.

Interesting question, Dr Harley said to encourage him into rehab. Did he give you specific instructions on what to do if he refused? If he did not, why not send a follow up note saying that he is refusing to even consider rehab or even acknowledge his addictions. Ask for his advice on where to go from here.

It's very normal by the way, to be afraid.

Thank you Happy Heart. This makes it all sound so final . I definetly wont be going back into the burning house thats for sure. I guess he has to realise that I am serious, which I very much am.

Thank you LW - I listened to the radio show again. Dr Harley said that if BF refuses to acknowledge that he has a drinking problem and wants to continue getting drunk then I am to go into Plan B. Once in Plan B then I need to go and see someone about legal advice if I were to move on for good.

When will you be getting legal advice?

Just as I feel things were starting to get better, the UK goes into full national lockdown for 6 weeks. That means homeschooling 2 children and working. Last time I did this, it nearly broke me.

I have already sent an email to my employers asking to be furloughed for 4 weeks. Will see what they say.

When this happens I feel a lot of anger towards BF. He should be here supporting us as a family though this. It makes me so angry.

DS was with him today. He came back and told me that Daddy has given up drinking Mummy. Yes right.

Also DS always complains that he never spends anytime at the house with BF that they always go straight out. Any insight on this?