Ok thanks guys

Will get on the case. The only place for contact now is the pick up and drop offs with the children. This week I haven’t seen him at all as I am managing to hide in the house at pick up and dropping them round the corner at drop off.

All still quiet in Plan B. I have set eyes on him for over a week now.

The kids are doing really well even though BF hasn't seen them since last Thursday and he has them overnight tomorrow and this weekend. It seems the kids are getting use to the new routine and are far better off, which is so sad.

All round everyone feeling so much better in Plan B than 'dating' before. It was so excruciating being with him so non committal. I am ashamed that I clung onto him so long.

I feel lonely but far better than being around BF.

Still in lockdown in the the UK, and homeschooling probably for another 6 weeks.

Looking forward to Spring and having more of a social life.

One question - along with feeling a million times better in Plan B - what do you do with all the anger?

I have so much anger and resentment towards BF that I feel like I want to have my 'judgement day' with him. The more 'the fog' is lifting the less I can ever imagine forgiving him or being with him again.

There are so many things wrong. IT is so sad. I know the kids are desperate for us to be together again.

Anger is not necessarily a bad thing. It is part of the grieving process and is a great way to motivate yourself to solve problems. It is a primary, natural emotion which has evolved as a way of surviving and protecting yourself from what is considered a wrong-doing. Over time it will fade.

As you go through the stages of grieving (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) you will discover things about yourself that you needed to know. Yes it is sad but you had to do this. Keep posting, important not to bury your feelings. They are valid and very real.

Thanks Living Well.

BF picked children up from the house today, I stayed inside the house so I couldn't see or talk to him. I got the feeling he was really angry and frustrated. He was here for about 20 mins started talking loudly on the drive, he kept mentioning my name and then wandered round the house for about 20 mins 'checking stuff out'. I didn't see or talk to him.

Then I got a message from IM saying that I had forgot to pack the kids coats and why hadn't I allowed DS to take his Nintendo? I hadn't forgotten the coats at all I distinctly remember packing them and double checked the coat stand. He is losing it.

I responded to the IM and also asked for BF to not come into the house and wander around again. Is this him getting a house fix?

Kids are at BFs house this weekend. Neither of them want to go, mostly DS. I asked him why he doesn’t want to go and he said Dad is always so busy doing stuff all the time we don’t get any rest. I want to stay at home and chill out with you Mum.

I really resent the fact that XBF has put us all in the situation. Plan B is no hardship at all. The longer I am away from him the more I can’t believe I tolerated such poor treatment. I can’t believe I felt guilty for keeping his children away from him.

The worst thing that sits with me is how he knew I was so desperate to keep the children with me all the time and how he used it against me as it gave him so much power in the relationship. The worse is the nightmares I have which are being with him but him just playing games with me, him all haughty doing me a favour by being with me. Awful.

Do you encourage them to say that directly to him?


Now you need to put on your brave boots and go to see that solicitor. BF's next power play will be the house. You need to preempt that. But first find out your rights. Can you afford it alone?

Thanks LW. I remember from what you said before about BF and DS and encouraging DS to speak direct and not get in the way. I had encouraged DS to go to Dads as I know it is important.

However, when BF turned up DS hid in the toilet and refused to go out and speak to him. I managed to persuade DS to speak to Dad and he went outside and spoke to him. BF started to get mad and said well just come to mine and we will sort it out when you are there. BF said no Dad and walked back inside.

BF stayed on the drive shouting ‘Can I speak to my son please’?

I just ignored it and eventually he drove off roaring his engine really loudly.

As soon as he went I chatted to DS he is so upset about us splitting up. He seems to be very angry at Dad and I think they had a row when he was at his house on Wednesday.

This is so hard watching DS go through this. Any insight into what I can do to help him and why he would not want to spend time
With Dad?

Feel in a lot of pain tonight.

Mainly devastated over what we are putting the children through.

If all was good we would have been celebrating 10 years together. I was so looking forward to reaching that milestone. What a load of trash.

Will I ever recover? I have hidden away from friends and family due to the embarrassment of this situation. I feel so incredibly let down by him.

Although when I told my children about what was going on with their Mum and Dad, they almost cried with relief. They had felt the tension (children are hyper sensitive about anything to do with their parents) and thought it was their fault for being too naughty.


Be patient, this stuff takes time. Your brain has to rewire to the new normal. You need to reconnect with friends and family. Nobody is going to criticise you for going the extra mile.

Having a really difficult time with DS. Very tricky to know what to say.

He is saying things like I hate Daddy and he is not my Dad anymore. He is saying why did he choose that house over us Mummy? Has Daddy ever asked to come home? I have been asking questions honestly. I have repeatedly told them that nothing is their fault but since I Took BF back after the cheating incident I am really struggling what to tell them. DS has cried a few times and I am helpless.

I feel so terrible I am putting my kids through this. I know why Dr Harley said that we should date and the kids should continue to go between houses

I feel so much rejection from BF it’s untrue I can’t understand that I was that bad he would choose to stay away from us all like this.

I just don’t feel like I am strong enough to cope with this 🥲

Yes you are strong enough. You are Mother Bear, remember?

Yes I am! Why me? WAh Wah Wah pity party for me please.

You are so kind Living Well.

Just having a little anxious phase. Had horrible dream last night that I was in BFs house looking out the window watching BF and the children at the pub playing pool and having fun. Weird.

I ended up having a lovely weekend just DS and I. The children and I are so much happier and laugh all the time. I feel like I can relax and enjoy them so much more.

I realise now that on the Fridays that BF takes the children for the weekend is a really tough day for me.

I can’t help but wonder if BF is struggling not seeing his children very much. If it was me I would move heaven and earth to have my children with me every night. I don’t know how he has handled it this long.

On Sunday when he dropped DD off, he turned up 1 hour 45 minutes late. I got quite panicked and ended up getting DS to call DD to find out where they had gone. I don’t want that to get a habit so I got IM to drop BF a message letting him know that I had plans and to make sure he is on time. Another way to needle me?

DS went out to the talk to DD on the drive so they had 5 minutes outside. DD does not seem bothered about the distance from Dad at all. I am not sure what to make of this.

I know I am doing good because I was singing and cleaning and DS said to me out the blue ‘Mummy you don’t want Daddy to come home do you?’. I wanted to say yes I do, but only if he treats and loves us as we deserve.

If that is the truth, you should have said it. That was a lovely answer and he would have been very happy to hear it.

Boys need a relationship with their fathers and he is trying to work out what you are ok with and what you are not ok with because he also does not want to make you unhappy.

Wow it’s been a whole week since I posted here...lol.

Things have been good, life in our house is very peaceful and calm and the children seem so much happier. My DS looks happier and healthier than ever and we laugh all the time !
That constant pressure when BF was around, of having to please him in every way has gone. I have even got some of my sense of humour back and have started to reconnect with friends.

I am also handling the children so much better in regards to the separation. I am handling the drop off and pick ups better to make it less stressful for the kids and also dealing with any questions they have for me. I am making sure the kids are reassured that when they are with Daddy Mummy wants to have fun and enjoy that time. They did go through a phase of blaming me for the split saying things such as you threw him out and Daddy didn’t cheat but i can deal with this better now. I am not sure what he is saying to them.

The anger has subsided slightly and made way for a great sense of sadness. Mainly about how he has treated us and how our separation affects the future. I have spent a lot of time reflecting on our relationship and how abysmal it has been and how the kids and I deserve so much more .

I found BF so confusing and still can’t make any sense at all why we are in this position. When he cheated on me last year I just thought that he had grass is greener syndrome and I always knew in my heart that once reality sets in he would be back. Now I just think he went off me and wanted to have his freedom but why did he not just move on instead of coming back? It’s too confusing to figure out.

His activity from going very quiet has picked up again . I had the kids at the weekend and he randomly turned up at the house with some of the kids stuff. I hid indoors and the kids answered the door. I also got a message from IM asking if BF could come over and taken DS out for football practice, I declined and said more than welcome to do that in his time with children. He also liked one of my Strava runs about 230am
In the morning. I have now blocked him from there too.

I also did some reading on emotional abuse and in it, it talked about the effects on the children. It said that where there is abuse and the parents split up, some children discover how pleasant life is without father around and choose to distance themselves from him. This can be a sign of emotional health and recovery. I wonder if this is what is happening with DS?

It is a coping mechanism but DS does need a relationship with his father.

Yes I agree he does.

After all this I still feel that I have love left for BF. Even after all that has happened. Much of the time it is easier to hate him rather than face the rejection and abandonment of BF.

Losing any sort of hope that BF will meet terms of Plan B letter. It has been 8 weeks since I went into Plan B. He has had to face Christmas, daughters birthday and New Years Eve without his family and still nothing.

Is there any hope? I cant even bear to tell people when they ask abut the childrens schedule being every other weekend and see them look at me with pity.