We are concerned at the advice to expose to hundreds of people using social media announcements and to create fake profiles. Also by the advice to expose to school parents, and acquaintances who live abroad.

Dr Harley's advice is to expose the affair to close family and friends of the betrayed and wayward spouse, the other person's spouse and close family, and line managers and HR if it is a workplace affair. He recommends exposing to one person at a time, in a very personal way by phone or in person, requesting their support in helping you save the marriage. He specifically warns against mass emails or social media announcements.

Dr Harley would be happy to explain his exposure method directly to you. He will also give you general advice about fighting the affair. Email him at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

An update.

As far as I can tell through the exposure the relationship has been killed.

She sent me an extremely long text message this morning like a three page essay but the short of it:
She says she has not been as happy as what she is now in years.
She should have walked out 5 years ago.
She's tired of asking for a divorce.
Says I suffer from serious mental illness
Her and the kids are scared of me - Like OK the kids have been with me for almost 3 weeks now and we have had lots of laughter, they def not scared of me.
Accused me of invading her privacy.
Wants me to move out of our house permanently in order for her to move in and provide a stable place for our kids to grow up in.

Charlie, this is just wayward babble. Try to ignore it (we know it is hard). You have inflicted some damage on the affair but do not assume that this is anything other than a temporary setback. Exposure makes a wayward uncomfortable because it removes the thrill of secrecy. However, you need to pay attention to the posting from Irish Green. You do not want to cross the line into doing anything illegal. The suggestion to contact Dr Harley is an excellent one.

How are you doing on protecting your finances?

Did you do a full exposure through the MB guidelines? Without this do not think the relationship is over. They can get back together. They can just hide the relationship for a while and resume. Stick to your strategy. Do your part well first.

1. Do not be fooled by WW by the way what they say and do. Just stick to your strategy you are being given her. Do not wave away from the strategy. Do not let her wa ve you away from from it no matter what she say ir do. Waywards fool you. Without a strategy you will fail. The strategy is your best weapon.

2. Do a widespread exposure as soon as possible

3. Never ever move out of the house. Your chances of saving the marriage will dwindle.

Know that she is the one who moved out and moving in and having you out will save her face and reputation. The fact that you are at house with kids is an image disaster for her, I think.

In South Africa, if you move out, hmmm, with custody laws supporting women you will most likely if not definitely lose custody.

In fact you may have to change the locks - I will let others here give you advice about this. I just hope she does not get you kicked out of the house through the courts - others here can advice you on how to protect you from getting kicked out of the house.

Also do not move out for the sake if the children. It is the home of growing up and memories to cherish. You did nothing wrong. She did the wrong.

Finally, for most people in the world focus is not part of their skill neither is it part of their vocabulary or dinner conversations when growing up. For you just focus on saving your marriage and getting custody( and document, document, document),not what OM or WW says unless WW is saying something worth it. Whatever she or OM says post there to get advice from the experts. But stay focused!

Document every day interaction and her actions. Document every thing you do with and for the children, acholl, doctors, dentists, etc. and house. You will not be the one who has the expert to turn the slightest thing in the documentation into a win. It is the lawyer. It is amazing what lawyers can do with the slightest thing.

I did send a mail to Dr. Harley and asked for advice also included in mail a link back to this thread.

With finances today will have to be the split of our joint finances. She logged into the bank account during the early morning hours and made an EFT to her personal account, left me with the equivalent of about $25. I have changed the login credentials and stopped her cards (to the joint account) obviously I have no right over her personal account. I have a friend that said he will bail me out financially to get though the month. also expecting a lump sum to come in, in the near future from the sale of a vehicle.

She has been bombarding me with texts the whole day telling me 'what a monster' I am and she will never come back to the anchor in her life. I just replied by saying: Stop fighting with me and making me out to be this monster, rather come talk to me when you realize that you are busy making the biggest mistake of our lives. All decisions I make is with the well being of my family put first and that includes you.

I did very little work today and spent most of the day reading articles and threads posted here. I must admit that even with her affair, I do not feel the affair ongoing or not is my biggest threat.

Yes she has / had an affair but I feel she has felt emotionally neglected for some time, this OM obviously filled the emotional gap. She reached a point where in her mind it was the point of no return. Hence she moved out to stay with her sister, started the affair (prior to moving out / separation or not), and now looking to move into a place of her own.

My concern stays with how do I get her from: 'I AM DONE', to be willing to reconsider this situation?

I lived with her for 15 years and know her inside out. She will carry on with this path OM or not. I need to get her to a point where she is willing to reconsider.

Previous attempts at asking her to reconsider have been met with a very stern "I AM DONE".

Obviously I need to change for the better with or without her. But how do I get her from "I AM DONE" to reconsidering?

Any update on finding OM parents and his circle?

How much is left in compiling the list of exposure and exposing?

How much did she wipe you out from the bank account? You may need to report to authorities or file something legal for the money to be returned. Not sure how it works there. In the US the courts may look into it during divorce proceedings and it takes forever but depends on the state. Mine more than 5 years and still going. No money back yet. Not sure if I will ever get anything back. Will fight for it though very hard but in the. Ack pdf my mind I will be counting the funds as something I have lost and will not include it in my future budget. She took everything from the accounts.

I can't find the OM anywhere on social media FB, IG, etc, nowhere. He is either using an alias or perhaps he is just really not into social media.

From bank account almost the equivalent of about ~$1 000. This is from joint account so legally it is her money as much as it is mine.

From my post above where I state that the other man is less and less of a threat to me. There has been a lead up to this, I've been so busy trying to see to the physical well being of my family that I've neglected the emotional support. Which lead up to this and her now saying: "I'm done". I need to somehow make her see that I can once again fulfill the emotional needs and get her to open her heart to me then she will turn back towards me.

Use a PI and pay him later if you cannot pay him now.

Just act fast when the experts tell you do something:
You could hired a PI by now using funds from a joint account.
You could have protected your joint account if you acted when you told to do so.

Take these as a learning lessons and act fast. Once the experts tell you to do something be on top of it. No need to think. Just action because the thinking has been done for you. I know it is hard with the emotions all over.

Is OM not even on LinkedIn? From the mutual friend who refused to give you his number if I have this right. can you get any leads for friends. the schools he went to/classmates, etc?

Well, $1000 can mean a lot in SA depending on the socio-economic class. It maybe a good idea not dwell on it so much but still fight for it maybe in court. It is for the needs of the children therefore with fighting for. By now you should have taken a pdf of that transaction and statements, and store them Use drop box or any cloud system.

You definitely need to find his parents, friends as and family no matter what though. He needs to feel the heat from them to stop the affair.

Use a PI and pay him later if you cannot pay him now.

Just act fast when the experts tell you do something:
You could hired a PI by now using funds from a joint account.
You could have protected your joint account if you acted when you told to do so.

Take these as a learning lessons and act fast. Once the experts tell you to do something be on top of it. No need to think. Just action because the thinking has been done for you. I know it is hard with the emotions all over.

Is OM not even on LinkedIn? From the mutual friend who refused to give you his number if I have this right. can you get any leads for friends. the schools he went to/classmates, etc?

Well, $1000 can mean a lot in SA depending on the socio-economic class. It maybe a good idea not dwell on it so much but still fight for it maybe in court. It is for the needs of the children therefore with fighting for. By now you should have taken a pdf of that transaction and statements, and store them Use drop box or any cloud system.

As long as there is an ongoing affair, there is no hope for reconciliation. This is why first doing your best to break up the affair is suggested, i.e. exposure to close family/friends and the affair partner's close family/friends, and to workplace HR if a workplace affair. Basically, you expose to people that can support you and also those that can influence your wife to reconsider her actions, or to people that can influence her affair partner to reconsider his actions. Otherwise you have to wait for the affair to die naturally, which can take months or even years, or your wife has multiple affairs.

Exposure is done for 2 reasons, first to bring the affair out to the light of day which takes away the thrill of secrecy that is part of all affairs. Exposure brings it all out in the open and the secret thrill is gone. It creates a ruckus and disrupts the affair fantasy between the 2 affair partners, hopefully also splashing cold water on your partner so she realizes what she is sacrificing for this illogical affair (family, kids, assets, etc.). Second and just as important, exposure provides avenues of support for the betrayed spouse from family and friends. If done the right way, exposure can provide an important safety net for the betrayed spouse. At the same time the people that support your marriage may have an impact on your wife's thinking as they interact with her, e.g. her parents if still living or her brother.

At the same time, you try to be a Plan A husband, meeting her needs to the best of your ability and also being kind to her in every interaction every time, so that when the affair dies she remembers your kindness and then becomes more open to reconciliation. This is very, very hard since you will be tempted to love bust her in your interactions given how she has wronged you. Probably you will be tempted to be judgmental in your comments, but that is not going to help you achieve your goal, but in fact the opposite.

If after time the affair dies, and you have also done a good Plan A - which means presenting yourself as the husband she always wanted, showing you are willing to change for her to address your own shortcomings in the marriage, and not judging her in your comments or interactions (cannot emphasize this enough!) - then she more likely than not will be willing to try again, especially if you have children together. This process can take many months or even up to 1-2 years for men. It is difficult to maintain Plan A for a long period - 3 weeks for women is the suggested limit, but up to 1 or even 2 years for men as men are less impacted emotionally and physically by the situation than women according to Dr. Harley's experience. For men Dr. Harley recommends to keep up Plan A as long as the man is emotionally able to do so. But this gets harder over time as it is emotionally draining.

On your question, your actions in Plan A are what will open her eyes and open her heart. You have to do this yourself through your actions. But she cannot open her eyes or heart if she is in an ongoing affair with anyone. There is something called on this forum 'the fog' which is the mindset that occurs in people involved in affairs. It is like a drug they cannot give up and they rationalize everything to keep the drug coming. First break up the affair, then reconciliation eventually becomes possible.

If you have not done so already, you should take advantage of all the articles and Q&A columns on this website. I also recommend reading Dr. Harley's books "Surviving an Affair" and "Lovebusters" if you can. Also, listen to the daily radio show. This will help you become good at your Plan A if you decide you want to save your marriage. You could also write the radio show or Dr. Harley for advice.

I received a phone call from her best friend. She stated to me that my wife told her the affair is ended and she is furious that I stuffed-up her happiness. She is going to try and get together with my wife over the weekend and try to reason with her. She says that she feels it's better to do it face to face as opposed a telephone conversation. As with a telephone conversation wife can just abruptly end the call if she hears anything she doesn't like., but in a physical meeting it's not that easy to just exit the conversation.

Wife has been sending lots of texts of hatred, I don't engage in argument and ignore the texts. She is looking for reason to argue with me to justify her actions.

Your wife is spinning the story to convince you (and maybe friends) the affair is over. She will take it underground.

You need to take control of the narrative. That is what exposure also is. You tell crucial family members and friends what is going on, don't let her spin the story.

When are you exposing? How far are you from completing the task? Do it fast. ...and expose before she meets her friend!

You are not mentioning anything about hiring a PI. Can you tell us what is going on?

What are you doing to find her parents, friends and family? Can you stick/focus on this as a action item here in the forum and in your life till it is done?

All the stuff you are saying she is texting and so so happens all the time but you are not focusing on your tasks. Do you realize that most of the stuff you posting is not targeted on completing your tasks? You are more of reacting than proactive. This is not fruitful. Be strategic and proactive, and let her react.

I think it is great your wife's friend is trying to influence her to return to the marriage. That being said, just because your wife says the affair is over now - if it really is - does not mean it can't rekindle later in 1, 2, or 6 months. A strategic exposure still should be done because you cannot be sure it is over. Exposure creates accountability for her actions for your spouse. Your kids, family, friends, etc. need to know what is causing this turmoil in your marriage.

I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to complete this step, both for now and for any future potential reconciliation. And also for control of the narrative mentioned by goody2shoes.

I think you are doing well in ignoring your wife's spewing hatred texts. Don't argue with her ever. Change the subject or exit the conversation.