to answer your questions:

we are doing some kid/family activities together not as much as usually but not nothing. i installed a zipline over the weekend and four of us played on it together for a while, couple of times over the weekend. happy times, but again no real intimacy between two of us. Also, all four of us have breakfast and dinner together almost every day. she cooks for me still (family meals). on the downside ... i'm planning disney trip in july with kids only. couple days ago asked her if changed her mind and wants to come. answer was no. two little monkeys to watch @ disney is going to be a handful for me but i guess if this ends up going to divorce i best get used to it! but we both are very focused on kids so I feel like the summer will bring several opportunities for fun/recreational family time.

i have stopped accusing her of infidelity.. for several weeks now. in the text I referenced earlier I once again apologized for those accusations over the years. While I don't have spyware on her phone, the PI I had engaged last month gave me a huge data dump from her phoen and computer and there was nothing of note as I mentioned in one of my previous posts.

my parents will stay with us a few weeks in summer .., i asked wife many times if she is still ok with that idea and she was (she has good relationship with my dad and mom) but I am nervous how that will turn out. especially after her comment this weekend. on the other hand I think it can lighten things as long as no one tries to get into deep conversations on "why is she doing this". i asked my mom not to bring it up ... my dad (treats wife as his daughter they bond on many things) is a wildcard. dunno what to expect. my wife knows that divorcing me is not necessarily going to mean cutting of relationship with that side of the family. i don't know if that is a good thing or bad thing!

i know this is marathon.. our 12yr anniversary will be in late fall so until then I just plan to keep things light and not bring up any relationship talk. work on my self and my own issues, look for small wins and try not to get discouraged by pushback. and ultimately try to show that i can be fun, caring and trustworthy .... hopefully attractive again to her.

at this point I don't feel comfortable touching her. I feel like I haven't touched her in months but I am aching to do so. I just feel like I am going to put her in a bad mood if I try something like that. Any tips on how to encourage or escalate physical affection in a non-threatening way? especially when there are huge walls and just a very non-romantic vibe between us

It does seem, like you are on the right track, as she is actually spending some time with you. It is very important for you to be strategic here. Obviously, she has found the experiences of the last years bad enough to go to the trouble to seriously contemplate and seek divorce, even though you have young children. That said, it is entirely understandable, that now you have been giving and paying attention to your side of the street, your "taker" (see: basic concepts) feels that there has to be something in it for you too, especially as it seems that she may be loosening up a bit.

Because she has (or at least is trying to uphold) an image of you, where you are the villain. You are the egotistical p-g, that was rude to her when the children were little and you knew she was not going anywhere anyway because where would a 39-year-old with 2 small kids go? Let's assume this worst-case scenario is her take on this (this may or may not be true). You want to provide her with no ammunition or any resemblance of the fact that you may be thinking about your own interests, especially if these involve requiring her cooperation.

Instead you will have to be the knight in shining armour, who selflessly rescues his family from the abyss. Of course, it is only human, that you have needs as well and these have gone unmet for far too long. It will be hard, but this problem will solve itself, but it may take another few months. Until that time, you will have to take care of this need yourself wenn absolutely necessary. It is helpful to refrain from porn and other self-pleasure measures as much as possible for the following reasons:
1) When you are physically yearning for her, this heightens your energy and drive to conquer her back and will help you to find the strength in the process. Many women complain that their husbands ignore them for about 2 days after sex, or at least are not as affectionate or generally interested in them. Men rarely notice that they have changed their behaviour, but it is a biological function, so use it to your advantage.
2) If you use porn, this will create a contrast effect between actors who are ever ready and willing and into it (at least as long as the camera is on) and your wife, who is ignoring this aspect of your relationship entirely. This contrast will heighten your resentment (your taker speaking up for your interests) towards your wife and this may subconsciously hinder your efforts or change your demeanor. Secondly, your wife will seem less attractive in comparison (without lighting, flattering make-up and filters) and thirdly, almost all women don't like it, when men look at other women, or give other women too much attention. And even those who proclaim, that they don't mind, would not be sad, if their husband stated, that she was the only woman in his life worth looking at and act the part. This is big with most women. You know your wife and at best she would be irritated, should she find porn on any device. Also, if you are out and about with her, take very good care to look only at her and ignore even the most interesting passers-by. She will notice this and it will subconsciously make a MASSIVE love bank deposit, if you strictly ignore the woman with the short skirt and give full attention to your wife without even flinching.

Now, if the time comes - and it will - when she will slowly let her heart open up a bit, you have to be super strong. You will have to behave like you would on a first date with the most desirable girl of all. You will have to take it slowly and refrain - yes, I said it: REFRAIN - from any sexual interaction that she is not enthusiastic about. This means, that you will have to go to the process of holding hands, looking at sunsets and the like, stroking her hair and looking at her lovingly, before you can think of kissing her. Depending on your relationship beforehand - has she ever complained of you being overbearing? - you have to stay the gallant knight, even if everything hurts. You do it for your children and because you really can have the relationship back that was so wonderful and if you follow the rules, it will even be better.

In the articles section, there are articles about "how can a husband get the sex he wants in marriage" and about "sexual aversion". You may want to read them to see if they in any way help you in your situation.
Marriage builders is based on scientific psychological processes, that people cannot NOT react to. So keep throwing peddles in the river and eventually, you will see the heap rise above the water. One year from now, everything will have worked out.

You are the one fighting for your family here and everyone is rooting for you. Keep going strong!

P.S. Maybe she is open to work on the love busters questionnaires if you tell her, that you want to become a better person regardless if the marriage survives, but that you would appreciate her input. Please note, that it may bring up some bad memories in the process, but you can pick your time. That way, you could see what worms her the most.

I have an update, seeking help ..
we are still in house seperated. the summer was actually quite nice .. no big arguements, we had a nice "family" life although she sleeps in another room. almost no interactions that could be called a love buster. there were many days when I thougnoht I could feel/see tenderness and love in her eyes. I took my son on vacation for a week and when back she seemed even more tender for a few days mind you through all this I did not bring up us/relationship/marriage/divorce topics since way back in may/june. until a couple of days ago. i am also more convinced there is no third person/AP/guy in between this situation

so what happened? a couple of days ago I went to her bedroom late night to talk about our daughter and it escalated into a heavy/emotional/argumentative discussion about us but she reiterated that she doesn't love me anymore and that is why she doesn't want to give us a chance or work on the marriage. she said I don't want to give you any hope. I'm at a loss and feeling horrible right now. i've been doing everything right for months and her heart is as hard as a rock. she says any positive changes I have are for the next woman in my life not for her. sadly she keeps repeating the bad things I may have done and said .. 10years ago, 5 years ago, 2 years ago, 6months ago etc etc. this has been her pattern for the past two years, usually the present topic that we are arguing about is somewhat bengin and can be easily resolved but then she recalls [censored] from the past and cannot let go of the past.

whenever she rehashes the past I tell her I have apologized for my past actions (like a hundred times !), that I regret the past behavior of mine, and unfortunately I cannot change the past. I ask her for a chance to change the future but she tells me it is too late, I have hurt her too much and she no longer loves me like she did and that is why she doesn't want to work on our issues.

advice?

Fred, this has been going on like a year now and she’s still planning for divorce? Has she met an attorney yet? Why a year, are you all waiting for the holidays or something? What a stressful thing to go through. I just reread, she’s talking about dating being fine in her mind from last year.

Did you ever get spyware on her phone?
Have you read the articles Dating the One You Are Married To
Are you and your wife listening daily to the Marriage Builders Radio show?
Have you read the book Love Busters? Done the questionnaires together?
Has there been violence in your marriage? Six months is not going to be sufficient to feel safe after that for example but the Harleys have helped people in many situations.

Please Fred the tools are here to help you save your family, let’s work together. What’s your plan of action?

Why don’t you email Dr. Harley?

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