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#3015833 11/10/21 11:25 AM
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So, here goes.
About 6 months ago my wife said she wanted a divorce, then immediately retreated. We then spent the next 5 months (me thinking things were better), but apparently they never were. About 6 weeks ago, she came to me and said she was completely done, wanted to me to move out and abide by her "custody plan". Obviously this caught me off guard, so I needed a couple of days to adjust. She said her reason was that "she didn't love me anymore". She says she married me 13 years ago for "financial security" and she married for the wrong reasons. In addition both of us have been heavily involved in church and she claims "God is telling her" to divorce. She claims there are a bunch of financial charges that can't be explained. Reality is she has control over our finances and she spends about 80% of our money. Nevertheless our finances aren't an issue, we are in good shape and both of us make good money. I have been the primary caregiver for our son as my career allows that flexibility. My wife started her own business 3 years ago so I stepped up at home. With all of this said, she says she wants a divorce but has yet to make the move. This weekend she put out all of the Christmas Decorations and moved her "winter wardrobe" to our master bedroom.
In terms of our relationship, I have avoided talking about "us" for about 3 weeks now. We are sleeping in seperate rooms and haven't been intimate for 2 months. She won't say "I Love you" anymore, yet she says "Love you".
I have stopped paying attention to her and am focusing on myself and being a better Dad. So, any idea on what I can do here? Thanks so much!

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Originally Posted by HardWorkingDad
So, here goes.
About 6 months ago my wife said she wanted a divorce, then immediately retreated. We then spent the next 5 months (me thinking things were better), but apparently they never were. About 6 weeks ago, she came to me and said she was completely done, wanted to me to move out and abide by her "custody plan". Obviously this caught me off guard, so I needed a couple of days to adjust. She said her reason was that "she didn't love me anymore". She says she married me 13 years ago for "financial security" and she married for the wrong reasons. In addition both of us have been heavily involved in church and she claims "God is telling her" to divorce. She claims there are a bunch of financial charges that can't be explained. Reality is she has control over our finances and she spends about 80% of our money. Nevertheless our finances aren't an issue, we are in good shape and both of us make good money. I have been the primary caregiver for our son as my career allows that flexibility. My wife started her own business 3 years ago so I stepped up at home. With all of this said, she says she wants a divorce but has yet to make the move. This weekend she put out all of the Christmas Decorations and moved her "winter wardrobe" to our master bedroom.
In terms of our relationship, I have avoided talking about "us" for about 3 weeks now. We are sleeping in seperate rooms and haven't been intimate for 2 months. She won't say "I Love you" anymore, yet she says "Love you".
I have stopped paying attention to her and am focusing on myself and being a better Dad. So, any idea on what I can do here? Thanks so much!

So sorry for what brought you here but you are in the right place. It sounds very much as if your wife is having an affair. Cheaters always reinvent the history of their marriage. Don't ask her, if you tip your hand she will take this further underground but you need to start some serious snooping. If an affair is confirmed we will help you with the next steps which will involve chasing off the scumbag. You have a good chance of saving your marriage if you do this right.

If you have access to her cellphone, slip some spyware onto it. Hide a voice activated recorder in her car or any place that she might go to take a private call. That way you can capture telephone conversations. A tracker will be useful too. This is likely to be someone she is working with, maybe someone she talked about a lot and then went silent. Keep us in touch so that we can help. You might also want to read through some of the stories in the 'Surviving an Affair' forum to see what others have done.


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Thanks LivingWell. You are probably right and I have evidence that she sent inappropriate texts to another guy earlier this year. (however that guy now has a serious GF and based on his facebook has no interest in anything but his current squeeze). We are a very "high profile" couple in our community so it would be extremely difficult for her to have an actual physical affair and someone not know. In fact it was someone who told me about the texts earlier this year (apparently the guy bragged about them to a friend). Her best friend is a PI, so she knows what to look for. But at the end of the day, that doesn't matter if she did or didn't. My faith tells me to forgive her and work on our marriage, if she is willing. We are both at the point where we have gotten legal advice and I am pretty sure she now has an attorney on retainer. I too have an attorney on retainer at this point, just to cover my situation. Basically, if we move forward with divorce she would potentially lose her business (unless she can pay me 50%, which she can't) and she would lose 50% of time with our son as all indications point to a 50/50 split. So, I know my next steps for Divorce, but is there anything I can potentially do to save the marriage. Obviously I don't want to beg or anything like that, but I feel that if we could go to counseling we could breakthrough some of this stuff.

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You need to rule out an affair. If an affair is happening Dr. Harley has steps to take to save your marriage. You need to know what you are dealing with.

Are you going to snoop to rule out an affair?


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I have pretty much ruled out a currently ongoing affair that I can find out about. Her best friend is a PI, so if an affair is going on, it is merely emotional at this point. We are both so well known in this community that if something physical was happening it would get back to me. I do not have access to her phone, email, etc. She ever walks out of a room without her phone. So, if something is going on, I won't be able to find out by "snooping".
But, with that said, I have been going along with the assumption that an affair is happening. My attorney, counselor, and accountability friends have all told me that for her to react how she is that there has to be someone else.
At this point she won't leave the house due to custody. What I mean by that is in my state to have a no fault divorce, you have to live seperate, no exceptions. For her to "file" she has to move out first and to move out we have to have some sort of custody agreement or she has to leave our son. I have offered a temporary 50/50 custody until mediation. She is against that scenario (because the judge would likely want to stay with the "status quo" of 50/50). In addition she has a business that I would have half of. So there are a lot of moving parts here. It seems she just is unwilling to work on the marriage and unwilling to walk out the door.
A little background, up until 2 months ago (when she became fully came to the conclusion she wanted a divorce), I handled 90% of parenting duties. I have been doing that since she started her business 3 years ago. In addition, she has poured every dollar she has made back into the business, meanwhile I have been paying every bill we have had for the past 3 years, all the while we have not sacrificed our lifestyle as I made that committment to her when she started her business. She has not slowed down her spending habits which has built up credit card debt, however I will have that completely paid off by the end of this month.
As for me, since her first comment about divorce back in May, I have totally changed the way I handle things with her, I don't argue nor do I force her into talking about things, which she hates to do. In addition, my relationship with our son has grown by leaps and bounds. In addition, I have lost weight and in the best shape of my life, down to where I nearly have 6 pack abs (which she has ALWAYS said is her biggest turn on for any guy and I have never had that).
So, I feel like I am doing everything I can, but she is unwilling to "put the past behind us" and attack the future. Any thoughts?

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Originally Posted by HardWorkingDad
Thanks LivingWell. You are probably right and I have evidence that she sent inappropriate texts to another guy earlier this year. (however that guy now has a serious GF and based on his facebook has no interest in anything but his current squeeze). We are a very "high profile" couple in our community so it would be extremely difficult for her to have an actual physical affair and someone not know. In fact it was someone who told me about the texts earlier this year (apparently the guy bragged about them to a friend). Her best friend is a PI, so she knows what to look for. But at the end of the day, that doesn't matter if she did or didn't. My faith tells me to forgive her and work on our marriage, if she is willing. We are both at the point where we have gotten legal advice and I am pretty sure she now has an attorney on retainer. I too have an attorney on retainer at this point, just to cover my situation. Basically, if we move forward with divorce she would potentially lose her business (unless she can pay me 50%, which she can't) and she would lose 50% of time with our son as all indications point to a 50/50 split. So, I know my next steps for Divorce, but is there anything I can potentially do to save the marriage. Obviously I don't want to beg or anything like that, but I feel that if we could go to counseling we could breakthrough some of this stuff.

I agree with Brainy, the first step is to get the goods on her. Don't be afraid. It is what you need to do to work on your marriage. You will not save it unless you go this route. Begging will make you look very unattractive to her and counseling will be fatal as the counsellor will just recommend divorce.

Fighting for your marriage by seeing off scumbag will make you look like a hero to your wife once she comes out of the 'affair fog' that she is now in but first you have to get the proof.

Cheating spouses can be extremely sneaky and it certainly seems that you are married to one in that category. I don't believe there is a 'serious GF' for one minute and neither should you. He put that up when you originally caught them out. If she wants to have a physical affair, she will find a way and the fact that BF is single makes that very easy.

By the way, neither the fact that she will lose her business nor that she will lose custody are considerations for her right now. The 'affair fog' has blocked out all rational thought.


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Living Well,

Thanks for your response. Nah, the "inappropriate text guy" isn't the guy. I believe there is another guy, a more established guy that she wants a relationship with. My gut tells me that he too might be married. I honestly have no way of getting proof. Like I said, her best friend is a PI. So, that is really off the table.
Any idea on what I can do if I know she is having an affair and she knows I know (since I have asked and have proof of a previous affair). My counselor has told me that really is nothing about me that I can do because the "other guy" has one major quality that I can never have, which is He isn't me.

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Hardworking Dad welcome to M B, I dam hoping you can save your marriage. It sounds like you have taken some great steps with your health, an affair can cause depression, you may also want to consider antidepressants in this short term.

You mentioned taking care of your kids, that’s awesome because many of us can tell you how they feel the effects years after. So that’s beautiful they have a strong connection with you. That’s something another man cannot offer your wife.

Critical thing that helps these situations is busting up the affair. Bringing it out in the open where it’s not so consequence free. Many folks put a VAR in the car to get the information. Many times when confronted the other man will flee for a more available woman. That would be the quickest way out of this mess for you and your family to get on the forgiveness and rebuilding you speak of. If not, exposing the affair to family and friends will give you and your family the support you need to bust up the affair faster. Hopefully while you can still forgive and rebuild.

I encourage you to start listening to the MB radio show daily, it’s like a crash course in the other things we talk about here that you’ve mentioned but may have a hard time knowing if you’re still doing. Eliminating love busters and meeting emotional needs. Mostly though to keep you going on this tough road.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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Thanks NewEveryDay,

Putting a VAR or whatever is not possible. Her best friend is a PI and she is doing daily checks, I am sure, of her vehicle and such. I truly have no way of catching anything unless she just openly admits it or someone sees something. If an affair is happening, it is strictly text/phone based and emotional, at this point. I believe that she will "act on it" once she moves out of the house.
In terms of "outing the affair" and a guy fleeing, I am not sure that is possible. What I mean by that is my wife and I are an extremely well known couple in our community. So, if there is a guy, he is extremely aware of the complexities of our situation. I believe my wife, if she is having an affair, has blamed it on me and has justified in her mind that I pushed her into it (which isn't rationale thought).
I have committed to finishing this marriage strong (if thats what it takes). We haven't had a fight in months, but are currently sleeping in different rooms and we both have attorneys on retainer. In our state, mediation is required prior to litigation, so we know we have mediation. I believe what is keeping her in the house is that a custody agreement, at least temporary, has to be agreed upon before either of us can move out. At that point we would file a Separation of Order/Management, to which point custody could be argued. However it takes about 2 months to get a court date and by that time the custody split would be 8 weeks in and the judge would be unlikely to change it, especially considering how active I have been in his life. (up until a month ago, I was taking care of 75% of his weekly caregiving, its only recently my wife started leaving work early to spend more time with him in the evenings). I have told her I am open to 50/50 temporary custody (if she moves out) and would even be open to "birdnesting" in the meantime, meaning each of us stay in our house 50% of the time with him and the other 50% out of the house.
There is more to this, she owns a business, which I am entitled to 50% of in a divorce, which makes things messier on her side. She can't buy me out, so that either leaves me as staying on as a 50/50 owner or her quitting her business.
So, with all of that said, I think she is staying to "get through the holidays" and then will reasses in January. We haven't discussed how to handle holidays, but I feel if she doesn't want to include me in stuff with her family, I should do the same with her.
In closing, the only reason I am looking at staying in the marriage is my faith and our child. It would take a lot of counseling and great movement from God to get us back to where our marriage should be, but if thats God's plan, I am open to it.

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HardWorkingDad; you may be familiar with this story but it is one that is so appropriate to your situation that I want to put it here anyway. A river burst its banks and created a terrible flood. Many were able to escape but some did not. One of those was a deeply religious man who dropped onto his knees and started to pray. He heard the warnings to evacuate and continued to pray. As the water level rose he climbed the stairs and continued to pray. A rescue boat came by and some got on but he prayed harder. Eventually the water level rose so much that he had to climb out onto his roof. There were helicopters making rooftop rescues but he prayed on. When the water was almost up to his neck he cried out to God 'why have you forgotten me'. The voice of God came back to him saying 'What do you mean forgotten? I sent the rescue services to you three times and three times you ignored them'.

We are here to help you but we cannot help if you do not allow us to. God's plan sent you here.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)

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