There is nothing to unpack. This is just code for "I'll say I'm thinking about it, while not doing anything." I know because I used to pull the same stunt. For two years here at MB I said I was "working on it," which was code for doing nothing.

For example, there's literally zero to unpack here:

What's to unpack? Just tell us when it's going to happen.


"daily commitment" is not a safeguard. It'll take almost no time at all at MB to learn that. This is just you saying the very flowery things Susie is talking about.

You've been on here for days/hours - what does MB actually recommend you do in your situation? Find out.

Make a todo list of the things that have been recommended to you in this thread. Post this todo list to us with dates as to when those things are going to happen. Don't give us baloney about how you're "unpacking" it. You've had over a decade to unpack.

How come when I said "don't post anything about emotional needs" you posted a bunch of stuff aut emotional needs and called it "safeguards"? Saying I love you is not a safeguard, w1hubby. Helping with tasks is not a safeguard.

You need precautions that will prevent you from having an affair EVEN IF NOBODY IS MEETING EMOTIONAL NEEDS IN YOUR MARRIAGE. It will take very little to learn about this here.


What difference does that make? In the US divorce happens if one spouse wants it whether you accept it or not.

Let's see actions that will make a difference.


Where's your todo list?

These are flowery words. This is not a plan. These actions will weather nothing.

If you really are reading MB, you should know the answers to the questions.

You're not serious.

I apologize for not understanding your definition of safeguards, markos. When I said "unpack" here, it wasn't as a deflection. I meant that as I write this I've given my wife personal time to do things she wants to do (read, write) since she's been uber-focused on me since I've told her of my affair five weeks ago. When she is finished with personal time, her and I will sit down and discuss that which is on this thread and make that to-do list. Please know that I totally respect your words and thoughts here, but I think working with my wife would be best.

Do not apologize to me. I'm not hurt, and I'm not the one you're going to hurt if you don't do this.

Don't try to look for my definitions, either. This is Marriage Builders. Learn Dr. Harley's definitions.


This isn't my first rodeo, w1hubby. I think I'm better equipped than you to know when you're deflecting.

Where's your todo list?


None of this has anything to do with you making the todo list. You don't need to wait for your wife to do ANYTHING before you go through this thread and make a list of the things that we have recommended that you do.

Go through this thread and make a list of the things that you've been advised to do. Post that list to us with dates as to when you will get these things done.


Knock it off. Your wife wants you to read here, right? Well, read here and make a list of things we've said, to prove you're listening. Get after it, let's see it TODAY.

For example:


You're a big boy and can read through this thread a second time without your wife holding your hand. This recovery is not dependent on her; it is dependent on YOU. Prove that you're going to act on the words we've spoken to you rather than flushing them down the toilet and forgetting them after you've replied to them.

If you can't even read through this thread a second time, you are not going to make it and should just give your wife money for a lawyer to file for divorce now.

Can you prove that you're not forgetting our words as soon as you've replied to them? Or are you going to give us more 💩 ?

Todo list. Today.

[/quote]

No offense, but my post was not for you. It was for lurkers who may be reading and be hearing similar language from their own WS.

I don't see anything you have posted but stalling and (no offense again) fluff.

NOTE: (and I know that you know this already): There is no need to move to the EN/UA part of the program when you won't even protect your BW from more affairs. I don't see any protection here. Nada.

Um, no. Don't put this on her.

It would most certainly be easier than working with us. She's much easier to gaslight than we are!

You got that todo list?

Prove us wrong.

w1, what's with telling your wife that you are being "attacked"? We are on your side and telling you the things you need to do in order to make things better, the things that have worked for every formerly wayward husband or wife ever on this site.

So...

Rather than hiding behind your wife, read through this thread again now (before it gets any longer) and make a list of the things we've said you need to do, and post the list, along with dates as to when you think these things will be done.

Come on!

[quote=Prisca]You got that todo list?
Yes I do!
I'm taking this from: HOW TO SURVIVE AN AFFAIR, Willard F. Harley, Jr., PhD
A reprint of chapter 13 of His Needs, Her Needs (2011 Edition)
1. End the Affair - Status: Done - I have no other affair partners and have told my wife about all physical and emotional affairs. I have told my wife about inappropriate relationships and conversations.
2. Create Transparency - Status: Continuing - I discontinued any hidden or secret second life - guarding myself from temptation since I know it will create more intimacy and compatibility together. Following the policy of radical honesty. I've given my wife all access to my electronic devices, text, phone, computer history. My wife has a 24-hour access to the places I go when we are not together. I am unemployed right now and my wife works at home, so we see each other quite a bit during the day. If I go back to work in an office, I will check-in with her several times a day via email, text, and calls. If I go back to work online at home, I will check in several times during the day.
3. Meet Each Other's Basic Emotional Needs - Status: Continuing - We are working together on this. We are reading together which is providing more insight into how we can provide even more support to each other.[ - /quote]

**Edit** - I just finished the first of the videos and will be taking notes on these and the books as well.

Thank you for all your motivating words - a bit difficult to read at times, but I know your hearts mean well.

Here's a full checklist from Dr. Harley's book. The point of the following is to eliminate as much as possible any way a wayward spouse could be tempted. Your life becomes an open book and you spend all your time together.

Have you exposed your lifestyle to some people in your life who can hold you accountable?

"The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends."

Thank you so much for this, LWFH!
We haven't gotten to that portion of the book, but we have reviewed these and have either checked them off the list or in process of doing so.
Thank you again.

How about copy/paste the checklist and share with the forum what has been checked and what needs to be adressed. It might help you get organized and held accountable for what you still need to adress. MB is action oriented, hence the checklist.

Per your request, LWFH!!

What does the I stand for?

Those were things my husband felt were “in-process” though they have mostly been taken care of.

1. He was unable to change his phone number because he was applying to jobs and that was the number he had put on multiple applications and it would be basically impossible for potential employers to contact him if he got a new number, so he blocked the OW’s number. He closed all email accounts except for one, which isn’t an email he used to contact her, and I have access to this including passwords. I also have full access to his phone, call records, text messages, etc.

2. I consider this one done, but since it isn’t in writing, maybe that’s why he listed it in progress? My husband has been unemployed and I work from home, so we both know each other’s schedule and what the other is doing since we’re together 24/7.

3. My husband still has an account my name isn’t on but was unable to close it because that is where his unemployment checks were being deposited and we were afraid trying to change it would cause a disruption because… government. His bank is being consolidated with another bank so he couldn’t add my name to the account or make any changes to it at all during the transition without closing the account and opening a new one, but that would have caused the same issues with the unemployment. But that is being solved because he starts a new job Monday! So relieved and excited. So that account will be closed and we’ll just have a joint account with both our names on it.

Wonderful news writer!