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Joined: Dec 2020
Posts: 2
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Joined: Dec 2020
Posts: 2
My situation is not looking good.

My wife and I been married 10 years together 11. We have two kids a Son who is 7 and a daughter who is 5. We were on the verge of moving out of state into a new home with other family members moving close to us as well. Everything seemed to be going well, we had little issues but were not arguers or fighters. We got comfortable and had been staying with her parents during the process of moving and in sperate rooms to sperate the kids. We were intimate once a week or so, had good financial stability both working. I got into playing an online game and kind of upset her by being really into it a lot of my time. I felt secure about or marriage though she had three affairs in the past and "broke up with me" she never filed divorce and after i discovered the affairs she came back to me and we worked it out. I never thought she would leave me again after the last affair about 2 years ago. We were still sort of recovering from that and I was dumb thinking once we moved and started over things would be good so i was chillin'. She complained about it but never gave me an ultimatum or anything, seemed to tolerate it. Then she started going out at night to play board games at her sisters house with her friends. More and more she was over there. One day she comes home and tells me "i want a divorce" that was September 15th. The next week in october I got served papers. We agreed on all the terms of custody and so forth so its amicable. I have the kids 3 days she has them 4. Then she suddenly takes everything we got for the new home and leaves to a new apartment around the 15th of october. Tells me she has a room mate but isnt ready to tell me who he is. A week later I noticed a family friend who is married and has a wife and his own kids was missing off his wife's facebook photos. Turns out him and my W were hanging out a lot at the sisters house. So much they decided to divorce thier spouses and move in together. After about 45 days of being super husband and doing everything I can to win her back busting my butt she admits she left me for our friend.

So since that revalation its been around 45 days or so that she has been living with him in this apartment. She has his kids and our kids there, she watches them all, she hardly works anymore he is wealthy and takes care of all of it. She cooks meals 3x a day and cleans house, all for this man she initially had no sexual attraction to who isn't her type and is maybe a 5 on the scale of good looking she is a 10. Of course he got her emotionally invested so his looks are being overlooked by her and he is obviously meeting her emotional need I neglected. The crazy part is that she always liked working, she hated watching kids and cleaning house and cooking and being a stay at home mom. I did most of that through our marriage and shared all that with her. She has changed her wardrobe, changed her personality shes not anyone that any of us in the family recognize. She brought him to thanksgiving and it was awkward nobody really likes what she did but they don't openly protest it to her they just feel like its weird and wrong. I wasnt there I told her I refuse to see him ever and want nothing to do with him period ever again and we will never be friends. She has plans to spend Christmas day with our kids and his kids and meet his family. i will be working because i don't want to be around that at all.

So, up until today ive kept quiet mainly about what went on to anyone besides my friends, I dont put anything on Facebook or talk to her family about how hurt, sad etc I am. I have messaged her back and forth about things im going through, shes told me a few times she wasn't sure about her choice anymore and gave me little false hopes. About two weeks ago I got tired of the "im not sure" and issued an ultimatum, she didnt come back, she said she cant hurt him because he is super nice to her, has never hurt her and is taking care of everything and she doesn't want to mess his kids up either. Ive told her that she is killing our kids, they are confused about why she lives with a friend and why we are separated now. I have been messaging her almost daily about things for the kids, kind of in a nice way trying to show her that its killing them, that she is doing the wrong thing, that she deserves better and that she is being manipulated and used to be this guy's new house wife. She told me she doesn't want to marry him and prefers keeping my last name. She also states that he doesn't want to marry her either, his wife is fighting hard on his divorce apparently (i dont know how that legal part of it is going for him) but his wife exposed them to all her friends and so on she is furious. Ive don't the opposite and been supportive, understanding and really tried to convince my wife to come back to me. She kept telling me that me being so sweet and nice to her is making it hard for her. So I told her I would stop trying to talk her out of it, and just that i can offer her a better relationship that isn't an ugly mess. I have been pursing her via text and shes said a few positive things, ive lost a lot of weight and shes told me I look really good, called me handsome, occasionally will send me a heart emoji or a kiss one when we text about stuff but thats just making me feel stupid since she gets into bed with him at night every night.

I do want my wife back, i want my kids back, I told her today that i didn't realize what i had until it was gone, and that I have been working really hard to become a great person. She acknowledged this and tells me im a really good man. At this point I realize that talking her out of this isn't going to help. Ive lost weight, got my own place, have a good job, im a great father and I pretty much have it all going on for me. it feels though like there is nothing I can do to save my marriage anymore and this divorce is going to happen. I know shes had affairs in the past and came back to me before but this seems a lot worse. I know she only filed divorce because she had to in order to be with someone so close to our life and to move in with him. She planned on them filing and then later coming out that they just fell for each other going through thier divorces, well my instinct ruined that and everyone found out a lot sooner. Occasionally she seems reluctant about it. But she does it anyways and has made no attempt to reconcile or talk about working it out whatsoever. Ive not begged and pleaded like crazy but ive made it abundantly clear I want her back and Im willing to do the work whatever it takes, she doesn't seem interested in that but she wont tell me "we are done, its over, stop trying, I'm not coming back" nothing like that either. She hasnt changed that we are married on facebook and left most of our pictures up, I think maybe she just doesnt want people at large to know how ugly this is. He was not posted in any pics on thanksgiving either my any of the family that was there. Everyone is embarrased by this. Sometimes It seems she likes the door open and wont "finish" us or tell the kids she has a boyfriend and they arent just friends so she doesnt have to make this totally real.

Anyways is there anything I can do or start doing today that can improve the chances to get her back? Do you guys think she will stay with this dude and be happy (Most of us family wise dont see it lasting but who knows)? is there any hope or am i toast?

I know it will take a lot of hard work on my part but Im willing to do it.

Last edited by lostman84; 12/05/20 07:40 PM.

She asked for Divorce- Sep 2020
I got Served Oct-2020
I Uncovered her affair and she moved out-Oct 2020
Got my new place-Nov 2020
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
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Joined: Nov 2010
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So are you actually divorced or just filed?

Have you exposed to anyone about their affair? Have you at least told your kids the truth? They are probably so confused and wonder why their father won’t tell them the truth.

She is a serial cheater. Why do you want her back?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Nov 2010
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Mar 2022
Posts: 7
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Joined: Mar 2022
Posts: 7
It does not sound to me like she is going to come back. I don't have any good advice to give, but it sounds like she had made up her mind to leave her marriage and pursue a new person. I doubt it will last. People bring their same issues into new relationships and problems tend to just repeat themselves. If she couldn't work on them with you as her husband, as she had vowed to, then she is not going to work on it with a new person. Romance fades and life becomes mundane, regardless of the partner. She has done you wrong many times and has shown you her true colors. What a selfish person to do this to her children.

Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 968
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It's been a while so I'm not sure if you'll see this or not, but here are some things to consider:

Quote
I felt secure about or marriage though she had three affairs in the past and "broke up with me" she never filed divorce and after i discovered the affairs she came back to me and we worked it out. I never thought she would leave me again after the last affair about 2 years ago. We were still sort of recovering from that and I was dumb thinking once we moved and started over things would be good so i was chillin'.

She's got a track record here so it's going to take some radical changes if you want to save this, and chillin' is probably off the table. Are you down for living a different life where you both are radically honest with each other and take steps to make keeping secrets from each other impossible? That's what you need.

Quote
I got into playing an online game and kind of upset her by being really into it a lot of my time. She complained about it but never gave me an ultimatum or anything, seemed to tolerate it. Then she started going out at night to play board games at her sisters house with her friends. More and more she was over there.

From personal experience and talking to dozens of guys in this situation over the years...you might not have been paying enough attention to catch the ultimatum. Or...she might have figured there was no point in giving one. This is a big deal here, no relationship you get into will work until you fix this. She shouldn't have to give you an ultimatum. If she complains about something and you keep doing it, you are non-verbally telling her that you don't care if it bothers her and her suffering doesn't mean anything to you. The point of a complaint is to say "hey, this is hurting me". The good news might be that you can really show her you are a new man if you do something like quit video games. It sounds like you are addicted....many guys our age are. Take that time, and find a way to spend it with her, regularly. When you are 80 you won't regret missing a game from the 2020s but you will never get these prime years back with your wife. You take that time and invest it in her and your marriage and it becomes worth something, time you didn't waste. That's all OM did to win her over, more than likely. Put time you spent on video games into spending time with your wife. Easy fix for you if you can earn the opportunity with her again. And if you don't, a valuable lesson for you if you find someone else. Look up POJA here. Stuff like playing games when your wife is complaining about you playing games is going to doom any relationship.

Quote
up until today ive kept quiet mainly about what went on to anyone besides my friends, I dont put anything on Facebook or talk to her family about how hurt, sad etc I am. I have messaged her back and forth about things im going through, shes told me a few times she wasn't sure about her choice anymore and gave me little false hopes. About two weeks ago I got tired of the "im not sure" and issued an ultimatum, she didnt come back, she said she cant hurt him because he is super nice to her, has never hurt her and is taking care of everything and she doesn't want to mess his kids up either. Ive told her that she is killing our kids, they are confused about why she lives with a friend and why we are separated now. I have been messaging her almost daily about things for the kids, kind of in a nice way trying to show her that its killing them, that she is doing the wrong thing, that she deserves better and that she is being manipulated and used to be this guy's new house wife.

Expose to everyone recommended in the exposure threads on here. If you don't, OM and your wife will tell everyone that your marriage just fell apart on its own and not as a result of any affair, and your kids will learn the lesson that if someone cheats on them, they should just take it like a doormat. If your daughter was cheated on, would you want her to stay with a man that insisted she kept it a secret? Of course not. Expose the affair.

Quote
all for this man she initially had no sexual attraction to who isn't her type and is maybe a 5 on the scale of good looking she is a 10

Like you said....this doesn't matter. Modern guys spend all this time worrying about stuff like this that doesn't matter. What does matter is he probably doesn't play video games late into the night when she's already told him she doesn't like it.

It's been 6 months and so maybe this has progressed in the legal proceedings and maybe it hasn't.....but you need 2 things.

1. Exposure - You HAVE to put a cost on them continuing this that makes it a painful commitment for them to keep up. They need to know that they will pull the wool over nobody's eyes that is close to them, everyone will know they sacrificed two families and all of these children for their own selfish impulses. You have to make that stick to this, nobody else will do it for you.

2. Plan A - You need to run a HARD Plan A. Get in the gym, work on your career, make a "spoil her rotten" list, and ditch the gaming. Every time she sees a gaming console or whatever you use, she is going to think about how you picked it over her. If the divorce isn't finalized, then nothing is settled and there's no rules saying he belongs to her. Don't avoid him, he's a piece of trash and he needs to know he stepped into your lane and you are here to push him out. If he wants to show up at family events or whatever you need to be there looking well dressed and making passes at your wife right in front of him like he doesn't exist. Who cares how it makes other people feel, he's the person out of place and it will probably give your family/friends some backbone to tell him off anyways. Your kids want you to fight for her like it's the only thing in the world. You know that, right?

PS - Talk to your lawyer to make sure custody and property schedule aren't settled if possible. Don't make this easy on them, there's no bonus points for being a nice guy when someone is destroying your family.


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
D-day: 10/5/2014
D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

My story

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